to need to say these things to children's TV characters?

[FannyPriceless]

Fat Controller: Your railway is in a terrible state of disrepair. Your rolling stock needs urgent maintenance. The number of brake failures and derailments is way above average. You are Potters Bar waiting to happen. Do something now.

Tombliboos: You need to get some better elastic for your trousers.

De Li, Yojojo, et al: A sentence includes an article. Subject-verb-noun does not cut it.

Mrs Pontipine and Mrs Wattinger, have you considered contraception? You are costing the state too much in tax credits.

Dora, there really really IS NO NEED TO SHOUT all the fuckin time

Swiper - just either take the stuff or don't. Stop pissing around drawing attention to your petty crimes.

Katie on I can cook- DS has your cookbook. You can't cook. You don't come up with the recipes, you can't sing and Sid will never love you because he loves me

Suzy Sheep- I don't like you. You are a horrible little brat but I bet you'd make a tasty chop.

Kerry from cbeebies- have you fallen out with wimpy boy that you used to do the bedtime hour with?

Ben Ten, how come your only friends are your cousin and her boyfriend, get a life.
Tinkabelle and Terrance just get on with it and get a room.

Station officer Steele, you do realise you have a woman in your team? Yes? Well stop referring to them as men!

Residents of pontepandy, a few things, firstly there is no wonder we have a deficit when you lot are such a strain on fire service resources. Secondly, keep your children in order, that way you will save a fortune on fire damage repairs. Thirdly, there are 5 people who work for fire and rescue, not just Fireman (I'm a smug fucker) Sam!

Tom Thomas, you are the mountain rescue dude, don't let that big head steal your thunder!

Helen Flood, your husband is a liability, leave the bastard!

To the people of Balamory - do you trap newcomers in a giant Wicker Man and burn them alive?

Cheetarah and Tygra - just shag already - you will have beautiful kittens

Horrid Henry shut up for fucks sake and just do as your told!!

Dear I-can-cook-Katie: Do you not think it would be better for the children under your tutelage if you taught them to use knives safely, rather than get them to cut up courgettes and peppers ... with scissors?

Hey. President Wenslydale. You forgot to put on your trousers. Again. Is there something you'd like to tell us?

Dear Green Balloon Club. Bugger off the pack of yese.

Mr Lopart, that's some inferiority complex you have there. Mummy's boy.

Mr Moon, you are a loon; & so are all of your stupid mates & your inaccuracy.

Special Agent Oso - Fuck off, just fuck off.

Mr Bloom: How you doin'?

Todd (ZingZillas): Are you a janitor? Just wondering.

Captain Barnacles: You have a lovely voice, please come and read to me.

Mayor Rosa - how come every time something needs doing in Sheetrock Hills, you automatically call Manny? Aren't these things supposed to go out to tender? You, madam, are corrupt.

Come outside - Aunt Mabel, you really need to start looking after that dog properly, seeing as you lose her on practically every episode!

Waybaloo - PLEASE cheer up! It seems like one of you is sad every episode!

Hanny Manny, you must flout every Health and Safety rule going. Is this why you get all the work, because it's on the cheap?

ask where are jake what do you plan to buy with all those gold doubloon

jake what do you plan to buy with all those gold doubloon

Young boy from Grandpa in my Pocket - get a haircut, you look like a young Tony blair when he was in a band.

Driver Dan - I know you have been shoplifting frozen food by the way you walk.

Aunty Mabel - do you enjoy a little snifter of an afternoon?

Narrator from Little Charley Bear - just leave him alone and stop telling him to slow down and be careful. Firstly, he's always fine, and secondly, it's because you're in his imagination.

Humf, Wallace and Loon. You should maybe suggest going on some other outings now and then. There's more to life than the park.

Parents of Charlie and Lola. I forsee a big rift between your children in the future if you don't step in and control your youngest. Charlie has the patience of a saint but it won't last forever.

To the other Octonauts: aren't you terrified of being eaten by Captain Barnacles? He's a fucking polar bear. Did none of you watch Frozen Planet?

Zingzillas: diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee! Painfully. But quietly.

Freddie Fox - where are you most of the time? Why aren't the truant officers round your house? Mr and Mrs Zebra - ZuZu and ZaZa? Really? Mrs Elf, get a better laugh pleeaaseee. Gordon, you are a horrible bully of an engine and I think you might be a bit camp as well.

Pingu- Pingi is a complete drip and you're far too young to have a girlfriend anyway. Desist!

Ash's mum you are down right crazy to allow you 10yr old to wander about pokemon land unsupervised - he never has enough to eat and is either electracuted or blown up in each episode as for letting him have a electric pokemon as a pet...... REALLY ??????? Bring him home run him a bath and for god sake feed him!

Dora i am planning on filling you backpack with rocks and throwing you in croadile lake!!! you have been warned!

Grandpa: leave Jason alone, stop interfering in his life. The poor boy can't do anything without you tagging along and causing him problems. I also find the fact that you've kept your other Grandchildren out of your 'secret' quite disturbing.

Justin: whatever mind control you are exerting over my child, please stop it. The poor boy's obsessed with Mr bloody Tumble and Justin's bloody House, it's like he's been brainwashed. I find the constant references to your unattractive arse in Justin's House rather unpleasant but my son finds it hilarious and makes me watch it and dance with him.

Green Balloon Club: fuck off back to stage school the lot of you and learn some acting and presenting skills. You're all so wooden it's painful. Oh, and while we're at it, learn to sing. The auto-tune's glaringly obvious. Can whoever trained Skipper sort my dogs out though please?

Dear The Wiggles,
Please just let Jeff sleep, he is old & all that dancing must take its toll.
Also, tell Anthony he can wiggle my way any time