to need to say these things to children's TV characters?

[FannyPriceless]

Fat Controller: Your railway is in a terrible state of disrepair. Your rolling stock needs urgent maintenance. The number of brake failures and derailments is way above average. You are Potters Bar waiting to happen. Do something now.

Tombliboos: You need to get some better elastic for your trousers.

De Li, Yojojo, et al: A sentence includes an article. Subject-verb-noun does not cut it.

Mr Bloom is a popular guy I see

Dear Mr Bloom, when you say 'hello my dear, haven't you grown' with that lopsided wink, it gets me all of a fluster.

Dear Nina, please take those fucking bunches out. Nobody over the age of 10 should wear their hair in bunches.

Dear Mister Maker, where do you take the maker mobile to get it's MOT?

Oh trust you filthy ladies to turn this into a lust-fest for Mr Bloom!
Although, if we're all doing it, then:
Mr Bloom, haven't you grown! :o

Pingu.

That's not even a language. Seriously- no one understands a thing you are saying.

Oh yes Mr Bloom could lead me up the garden path anytime.

Grandpa in my pocket - you are a grumpy old bastard and everyone hates you.

Mr Bloom, you can leave your hat on.

Jake and the neverland pirates. Yay Hey, go the fuck away.

Little Einsteins, you are pretentious little cunts.

DirtGirl - you are so so wrong.

Ken - you are so wet I want to tread on you.

Mr Bloom? Really? Ewwwww.

Bob the builder-How come you never give a quote and insist on being paid, maybe if you charged people for the work you do they wouldn't treat you like a slave

Chuggington- how on earth does your town function, no-body likes living that close to a railway which is i assume why there only appears to be 6 people in your town.

Katie (i can cook)- yes you can cook, you can cook very well but please i beg of you Stop Singing

Oh and Big Green Baloon club - Please let me rehome SKipper. He's lush.

Chowder, please, please, I do not want to see your nipples again.

Christ, you guys just caused a coughing fit with the Mr Bloom love...

Dear Justin Fletcher: Please go away... PLEASE!

Dear Big Cook and Little Cook: STFU and get dancing lessons. You just look like a pair of oafs...

Katie on I can Cook. Over here. You and I need words. You taught my daughter that it is fabulous to bang her hands together and make big clouds with flour and icing sugar. Stern look.

Oh and who the hell scoops up poop after Clifford the big red dog???

Zingzilla's get off my tele, you are the most annoying, irritating primates in the world. I would rather live with a bunch of real chimps than watch you and your shit.

Thomas the Tank engine - It is not about YOU you you all the time. You sulk everytime something doesn't go your way and have to be centre of attention, just because you have a number one on your side it doesn't mean you are IT.

But I don't get the mr Bloom thing either.

Mister Maker: is that your normal voice? Really?

Mr bloom - how can I find you strangely attractive in character but when I saw you on BBC breakfast in normal attire you did nothing for me

Archie the inventor - Are you related to Boris Johnson?

Spencer from Balamory, you have been painting that house orange for bloody years. Do you charge by the hour? If so you must be a millionaire.

Handy Manny is not shagging Kelly, he is mine!! (or at least his sexy voice is!!)

And Granny Murray must completely overdose on botox, she doesnot look much older than me and I am way off grannyhood as yet!!!

Grandpa - how about you grow a fucking pair and instead of shrinking then teaching people a lesson, just tell them there are shit and not welcome in your home. Lesson learned.

Pat - stop fucking about with Ted Glenn and Alf Thompson. They're a bad influence.

Everyone from Me Too!, learn the bloody way to go to your place of work and stop relying on children under 5 to tell you the way to go.

Get a bloody map or a sat nav and bloody work it out. Losers.

Balamory - have OFSTED ever checked your nursery, thinking of the adult:child ratio?

Why is the bus driver dressed as a nurse?

Who is getting it on with who or are you all interchangable?

And to the smurfs -
have you considered Jeremy Kyle?One girl smurf to all those men smurfs, there are names for girls like you!

All Tweenies and Zingzillas - please go away and give me a break. Failing that, female Tweenies stop flicking your bloody hair all the time. You're supposed to be pretending to be little girls or something, not catwalk princesses.

Jemima off Grandpa in My Pocket. Start saving your pocket money for therapy for when you discover your grandfather had this amazing secret that he chose to share with your irritating younger brother and not you.