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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

women who 'get on better with men'

287 replies

bejeezus · 10/01/2012 16:04

I would have said this about myself into my 20's. I have 2 acquaintances who are women who 'get on better with men' 'have more male friends than female'

Neither of this women IMO have what it takes to be a good friend. They are both quite fickle and seem to lack empathy,I wouldnt trust them or rely on them. I can't really put my finger on what it is about them; they seem a bit fair-weather

On reflection, when I was younger I was less open and was probably emotionally immature (compared with peers) and didnt really have any great girl-friends when growing (not that I recognised). Since having made good female friends,that i do appreciate- there is nothing like it. I think girl-friend relationships are much deeper and enduring and there is nothing like it

Whats your experience of women who 'get on better with men'?
AIBU if I think they are a bit rubbish?

OP posts:
Kayano · 10/01/2012 17:18

I have never fancied any of my male friends and DH trusts me completely to the point if we go to a convention together we go hands on a room etc and people crash with me and/ or vice versa.

Kayano · 10/01/2012 17:19

Go halfs* on a room

DH doesnot go to these
Conventions and calls me a nerd

yellowraincoat · 10/01/2012 17:19

You go hands on a room, Kayano? You filthy article.

tallulah · 10/01/2012 17:19

As a child I had mainly male friends. This carried on into my teens and for various reasons I missed out on the 'learning to be a girl' bit that teenage girls tend to get from their friends. I had no idea that girls routinely shave their legs/ pluck their eyebrows etc and was never very interested in make-up. As a teen I wanted to be a boy because from my perspective they got the better deal. Boys didn't have to wear restricting clothes and stupid heels; didn't have to look 'done up' all the time. Boys school bags were sturdy- girls school bags were tote bags that the handles fell off.

Life got very difficult in my early 20s because married with a young baby it's not the done thing to have male friends.

Now I'm approaching 50 I don't really care. I do tend to get on better with men, and not in a steal-your-DH kind of way. (Yes I recognise the kind of woman described by SS. I've met her and can't stand her). I've been married for almost 30 years, 'get' my sons rather than my daughters, and do tend to make friends with men easier than with women. I would like to have more female friends but somehow it just doesn't happen. I do have a few female friends, and they are of long-standing, so I can't be totally unlikeable.

Don't think I fit your stereotype, sorry.

Original poster
bejeezus · 10/01/2012 17:20

did a post disappear?

Im sure I started to read 1 about the equal importance of engineering and childcare?

OP posts:
maybenow · 10/01/2012 17:21

But do you not think most close male friendships are more tolerant? Maybe it's just my experience but often I hear women getting p'd off if a friend hasn't been in touch for ages whereas most men will just call and ask them to the pub - ime there is less second-guessing and looking for subtext.
(I do have female friends btw - but we're considered all quite 'blokey')

Original poster
bejeezus · 10/01/2012 17:21

ladiesman what is your take on 'women who get on better with men then'?

OP posts:
Kayano · 10/01/2012 17:21

Ack! I corrected! My friends and I have a forum/ fb group that has both sexes
But more males due to our interest iyswim so it's a case of 'who needs a room? Who wants to share?'

SilentBoob · 10/01/2012 17:24

I think you have added 2 + 2 and made 5 OP.

I share your experience, but not your conclusions.

I was incredibly socially and emotionally immature when "all my best mates were blokes" because it was easy to flirt with men. Not that I necessarily fancied them or they me, but it is an easy language to use.

Now I am older, much more confident, entirely happy with who I am, and I have some wonderful and fulfilling close friendships with women who I adore, admire and am lucky to know. There is no comparison between the relationships I had with 'my mates' at uni, and my friendships now.

However, I suspect now I would also be sufficiently grown as a person to sustain a deep and meaningful friendship with a man or men too. The occasion simply hasn't arisen.

I suppose some people get stuck in the flirting stage and struggle to sustain real friendships with either sex. I think we've all met people like that.

This could have been quite an interesting discussion if people hadn't responded so defensively with "yeah well women are bitchy and talk about clothes all the time".

Original poster
bejeezus · 10/01/2012 17:24

thank you limited period

always reassuring to know Im making sense Smile

OP posts:
Theladiesman · 10/01/2012 17:25

Beejessus. I would be wary of such women. They often turn out tobe vixens

Original poster
bejeezus · 10/01/2012 17:28

tallulah that was me also---ive just discovered eye lash curler and Im 40-love em!

you do fit with sunshines more articulate idea though;

You have more male friends,because you have more 'male interests'. Its not that you dislike women because they are bitchy and boring?

OP posts:
KarenJones · 10/01/2012 17:30

I once met a lovely girl who told me that she was glad we got on so well as "women never liked her." The next time we went out she proceeded to get terribly drunk and throw herself at my husband. He suggested perhaps that was why. Grin

People are people, it only matters what is between their legs if you plan to have sex with them at some point, something which thankfully doesn't feature in many of my friendships.

Original poster
bejeezus · 10/01/2012 17:33

silent

^I was incredibly socially and emotionally immature when "all my best mates were blokes" because it was easy to flirt with men. Not that I necessarily fancied them or they me, but it is an easy language to use.

Now I am older, much more confident, entirely happy with who I am, and I have some wonderful and fulfilling close friendships with women who I adore, admire and am lucky to know^

yes, that sums up my experiences/feelings well
I should have ruminated more before my OP probably

for me though (like I kind of said already) Mumsnet is great for exploring ideas/thoughts/points of view; feedback from so many people. I dont really want to come on here with a fully formed view-point and argue that I am right. Nothing to be gained from that

OP posts:
Original poster
bejeezus · 10/01/2012 17:34

and i didnt really flirt--its 'banter' isnt it

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 10/01/2012 17:36

I have good friends of both sexes. I find that when I am with my female friends our time is split about 65/35 talking about personal matters/other things. With my male friends it tends to be other way around.

TheLadiesman, I can assure you that I do not fancy my male friends and they do not fancy me. How can I be sure? The same way that I am sure that none of my female friends fancy me. However, I have encountered your type before and lost a friend or two along the way because their partner has disapproved.Sad

Chandon · 10/01/2012 17:42

I used to find it easier to be friends with men.

But I grew up with brothers, and all the other kids in our street were boys!

I still find women on the whole a bit trickier (easier to offend, don't like banter/slagging off jokes, care too much about being thin to relax around food and drink...etc).

However, in all truthfulness, I ended up fancying one of my male friends in Uni, and another one ended up fancying me, and it all went a bit pearshaped....but am still friends now with both of them.

Original poster
bejeezus · 10/01/2012 17:45

maybe i was going to say m female and male friends are equally tolerant of my crappness in keeping in touch

but since Ive thought about it...my men-friends are actually definitely LESS tolerant

OP posts:
OldMumsy · 10/01/2012 17:45

DoesNotGiveAFig
"I think some women are jealous of other women, and bitch, and men are generally not bothered enough to get jealous and bitchy."

I concur with this, obviously not in all cases. Women are more opaque, it's harder to know what they really think and feel where as guys tend to be more WYSIWYG. I work in a male dominated industry too and enjoy the banter TBH. Having said that I like spending time with my female friends too.

AbsofCroissant · 10/01/2012 17:51

I get on better with men than women. I put it down to growing up in a household where women were outnumbered quite significantly by men, so I'm used to the darlings. I don't "get" women a lot of the time, whereas I "get" men. I also love the refreshingness (mass generalisation) of being able to have a massive falling out/argument with a male friend and be all cool with it about three seconds later. With women, there is a tendency to never forget and to linger over things. As one of my best (male) friends put it "you're like Elaine from Seinfeld - other women hate you". Nice.

Obvs this is a mass generalisation, as I'm currently working in a mostly female team and they're all lovely and I LOVE it. My guy friends aren't so good on the outfit chat and don't get excited about fancy shoes.

Original poster
bejeezus · 10/01/2012 17:51

Women are more opaque, it's harder to know what they really think and feel where as guys tend to be more WYSIWYG. I work in a male dominated industry too and enjoy the banter TBH

Really?? I really find woman say what they think/feel where as men are more likely to hide it behind banter. Obviously not established friends-who are equally open; but initially, in the first meeting/getting to know each other stages of friendships

OP posts:
AbsofCroissant · 10/01/2012 17:52

"Women are more opaque, it's harder to know what they really think and feel where as guys tend to be more WYSIWYG."

Totally agree with that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/01/2012 17:53

"Im asking why some women think other women arent as easy to get on with as men"

In my case, I find men easier to get on with because they're happy to operate a friendship on a much more superficial level. My women friends would doubtless take a bullet for me and are very good in a crisis, but the pay-off is that they want to know all about you, in depth. My men friends are quite helpful on a practical level but there isn't that same demand for personal info. So if I want deep meaningful conversations about hopes and dreams I'll chat to a female friend. But if I just want to sit around telling gags and putting the world to rights - which I confess is more often - I'll chat to a male friend.

CharlotteBronteSaurus · 10/01/2012 17:54

YANBU
I have lots of male friends
I have great female friends who have lots of male friends
but the women i've met who are take great pains to tell you proudly that they "get on so much better with men" are flaky

for some reason i bet Angelina Jolie would put herself in that category

RhondaRoo · 10/01/2012 17:54

All of my life-long friends are men. I have few female friends I have known longer than 5 years. Even my best female friend is married to my best male friend (my first boyfriend - none serious, been friends for 20 years).

I think the correlation here is that the men I have grown-up with are the sons of my mum's best friends - therefore they were more accessible and I was able to maintain the friendships over the long period. Whereas school friends (mainly girls) were lost once school ended, and the same for jobs - once I left the job the friendship ended (with the exception of 1 of my friends who is now DD's godmum!)

The women that I have known (myself included in my late teens) who are eager to profess how much better they get on with men, tend to be a bit insecure and unsure of their place within a female environment.

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