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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking that if you won't go out alone at night because you've got a vagina, you are actually a bit pathetic?

859 replies

solidgoldbrass · 08/01/2012 23:34

Because, statistically, if you have a vagina, you are far more at risk of being murdered if you stay at home If your home has a man in it. Yet time and time again there's this 'Waa, waa, I need an armed escort or a male owner to protect me if I'm ever going to set a foot out of doors after dark. It's so unreasonable to expect me to use public transport or walk anywhere...'

OP posts:
outofbodyexperience · 08/01/2012 23:55

out-testosterone? i'm 5'2" and about as small and insignificant as it comes. i just don't happen to believe that possession of a penis renders you a rapist or a mad axe murderer. i find that just as insulting as the suggestion that being a woman means you are too special to leave the house after dark without a penis to protect you.

if i get raped or murdered, it will be the rapist or murderer's fault. not mine because i chose to leave the house. or stay in it.

to suggest otherwise is to continue to blame women for men attacking them. which is barking.

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 08/01/2012 23:58

If you say so, I don't but if you choose to say that please continue...

Even in a drunken state i'm capable of doing a swift risk assessment in my head of whether it's fine to walk home or not, i prefer to minimise risk of harm to myself be it from an attack (be it male rapist or female with a grudge) or traffic or whatever.

I'll freely admit to being a feak and weeble, nearly 6', girlie if it means I stay safe ta.

hohohoshedittant · 09/01/2012 00:00

'if i get raped or murdered, it will be the rapist or murderer's fault. not mine because i chose to leave the house. or stay in it'

It's not really about whose fault it is though! Once you've been murdered I can't imagine your parents/partner/kids/friends being all that comforted by the knowledge that it wasn't your fault! I would also imagine that whilst being murdered or raped the thought that it isn't your fault would help much.

MissCoffeeNWine · 09/01/2012 00:00

How will having some bloke with you help against the axe murderer? I suppose he could be gallant and let you get murdered first.

Getting a taxi brings a whole new set of risks of its own.

Female friends have asked me to walk them home in the past - or expected my DP to walk them home after they visit our house.

He's more at risk of being randomly attacked than they are.

PregolaLola · 09/01/2012 00:01

i wont walk home alone at night, im too frightened obviously im not as strong as you people

Jasper · 09/01/2012 00:02

What are you frightened of and why?

hohohoshedittant · 09/01/2012 00:02

Personally I fear other girls (with vaginas) more than I fear guys when deciding whether or not to walk home alone late. That's maybe because there are a lot of girl gangs in my area and they target (in general) other girls, 15-30.

Mumcentreplus · 09/01/2012 00:08

stay at my house if you are freaked out...Wink

TBH..you can't base your movements on a nutters...SGB facts are men can kick our arse 'usually'...same as adults can hurt children..protect yourself..be sensible and wise..and fuck anyone up who tries to hurt you...

KarenJones · 09/01/2012 00:08

I used to walk everywhere on my own at night when I was younger. I worked in a restaurant at uni and would walk home at one in the morning and also used to walk to my boyfriend/friend's houses after nights out rather than wait for a taxi and it just never occurred to me that I shouldn't. I remember my boss/parents telling me not to but I wasn't worried in the slightest. I was in my home / uni towns where I knew people and felt safe. I did it so often without event that I wasn't afraid and yes, to some degree thought I was young and invincible.

Now I've got children and am rarely out after dark, certainly never alone. I wouldn't consider wandering about at night by myself if I didn't absolutely have to. It could be because I haven't done it for so long that "the fear" has set in and it isnt "normal" to me anymore as my lifestyle has changed entirely but for some reason I think it is having children which has changed me in this way.

I didn't really consider risk or worry unduly about my safety when it was just me to think about but now I have two small people and a husband depending on me I refuse to take the small risks I previously wouldn't think twice about because if I did happen to become one of the tiny minorities of women murdered in an alleyway it wouldn't just be me who would suffer iyswim. As parents we are conditioned to see the danger lurking behind every corner for our children so we start to also see it for ourselves.

It's so much more likely to be a car accident or an illness which offs me and I don't avoid car journeys for this reason, perhaps because they are seen as "safe" whereas long walks home down dark lanes are drummed into us as "dangerous" (although it obviously didnt bother me before). How odd!

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 09/01/2012 00:09

For me the primary fear is getting run over followed by large groups of people (both genders, be they equipped with penis or vaginas) followed by getting lost

Mumcentreplus · 09/01/2012 00:09

never be afraid to call out FIRE..

RealLifeIsForWimps · 09/01/2012 00:12

Agree that statistically, you're more likely to be attacked by a random stranger if you're a male than a female. However, stats mean jack in individual cases because people have to make a decision based on their personal circumstances

  • where they live
  • what sort of area they would be walking through
  • who they live with- it's not as though all DH's/DP's pose an equal threat to the wellbeing of their partners and it's impossible to differentiate.

Depending on the balance of these factors you may be safer at home or you may be safer walking naked through an unlit alleyway in Moss Side.

Moominsarescary · 09/01/2012 00:13

' iif i get raped or murdered, it will be the rapist or murderer's fault. not mine because i chose to leave the house. or stay in it.

to suggest otherwise is to continue to blame women for men attacking them. which is barking.'

Who has suggested otherwise? Not that it makes much difference to you who's to blame if your dead

Wongamum · 09/01/2012 00:13

At the age of sixteen I was walking home from work alone at night and I was followed then assaulted by a man. I always had someone with me walking home after that happened. But I AM pathetic.

runningwilde · 09/01/2012 00:15

Is this how you talk to people in real life op? you need to learn how to put your point across in a more succinct, mature way than your bitchy rant

Some women have had genuine reason to fear going out at night and really, what does your little rant add to the world apart from showing us how crass you are.

Grow up.

MillyR · 09/01/2012 00:15

I think it is a bit much to say they are pathetic. It is the way a lot of people have been brought up; you only have to look at the number of threads that appear on here about parents who never let their kids go out alone at any time, not just night. It must be hard to get over that as an adult.

Abirdinthehand · 09/01/2012 00:19

Confused - sure, some women are more at risk from their partners / men at home. Is that you OP? It's not me (thank god) so I am more at risk when out. It does not mean I don't go out. It does mean I asses the (low) risk and act accordingly. Risk at home? Nil. I wander around wearing what i want, saying what i want, doing what i want, and don't give it a second thought. Risk in dark alley at night? very low, but exists. I would probably let someone know I was on my way home so if in 4 hours I have not turned up they look for me. Risk when crossing road with toddler? Highish. Look both ways, hold hand tightly.

I am more likely to be injured crossing the road than at home. for some women this would be the opposite. Different people and situations, different risks, different actions.

Mumcentreplus · 09/01/2012 00:22

Its not pathetic...you are just lucky enough not to be messed with...my mother was harassed by some freak....should she not be afraid because of stats?

Abirdinthehand · 09/01/2012 00:25

And, as thers have posted, people's assessment of risk is also based on upbringing and past experience. People who have been attacked or had someone they know attacked might asses the rsk differenty because evidential experience has taught them to be frightened. They might know all the stats, but still be scared. That is sad and a shame for them, but not pathetic - understandable. I have been lucky and have never had reason to fear either my partner or going out alone. Sadly for many women that is not true.

MillyR · 09/01/2012 00:25

I don't think it is just a risk of being attacked by a partner though, is it? Putting the partner risk aside, aren't you more likely to be attacked in your own home by a friend or an acquaintance or other supposedly safe space than attacked by anyone in a public place like a road?

And none of us can know if we have a dangerous acquaintance.

Abirdinthehand · 09/01/2012 00:25

x post mumcentre

attheendoftheday · 09/01/2012 00:26

I don't feel the need to be waAlked home, I could never see how having a man present was going to stop a murderer, traffic accident etc. But I think it's unnecessary to call other women pathetic, I don't feel the cause of feminism is furthered by insulting each other. I do think that girls are taught early on that they are innately vulnerable and that leads to women overestimating some risks.A

CheerfulYank · 09/01/2012 00:28

I walk alone all the time.

Attack me and I will tase the shit out of you. :o

MillyR · 09/01/2012 00:30

Thinking about it, there have been threads on here where many posters have said they don't answer the door unless they are expecting somebody. So people probably are aware of the risks of being home as opposed to the risks of going out.

squeakytoy · 09/01/2012 00:31

I dont feel like my life is being restricted in anyway because I choose to have respect for my own personal safety.

I live in an area where muggings, sexual assault including rape, and other incidents of crime involving lone women have occurred, regularly and recently. I prefer not to be one of the victims of those crimes.