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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that an apology by text/in a card isn't good enough

227 replies

DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 16:19

And if you have done something that really upsets people, you should at least pick up the phone or try to apologise in person?

Would like others opinions though, can't work out if I'm expecting too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 08/01/2012 00:19

Morloth, I never said I didn't view them as important, I said I have never come first for them.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 08/01/2012 00:19

The bad news, Dizzy, is that they are not going to change. The good news is that when you accept that, you will be better off.

I'm still not entirely sure that the NYE party announcement was the best way to handle dramatic and difficult rellies, but you are where you are.

It's so difficult. I know, believe me.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 08/01/2012 00:22

But genuine question Linerunner, how do you accept that? When do you stop hoping they'll change? Just to have a mum/sister you could pick up the phone to when you need a chat or a hug?

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yellowraincoat · 08/01/2012 00:24

You know what? You've just got married, it's been new year and Christmas, it's a really emotional time. Why not just step away from this situation for a week or so and give yourself time to think and process and enjoy your new marriage?

Do you really want your memories of your first weeks of marriage being all this heartache?

Morloth · 08/01/2012 00:26

I agree with LineRunner, they are not going to change, you can't do anything about their behaviour, you have no control at all.

The only person you can control is you.

If they are too hard, if you can't forgive this, then make the decision. But by insisiting on a face to face apology you look like as much as diva as you say they are.

You all sound about the same in PITA levels from what you have written.

If they were more important to you then your friends (and I am not saying they should be) then you would have given some more thought to this. You didn't so I can see how they have come away with the message that they don't really matter.

Have they reacted out of character? No? So what did you expect?

MaryZed · 08/01/2012 00:27

Aha, now we are getting down to it Smile. It's even more important that you don't give them head-space.

Treat them as rather annoying acquaintences - yes they were pissed off, so what? You had a lovely wedding thank you very much. Most people were nice at your party, great. They have apologised (sort of) - let it go.

You are giving them far too much importance, you know. Forget it, move on, enjoy the good memories. Take everything else with a pinch of salt.

To answer your question to LineRunner - don't expect them to change. Cultivate an air of "oh, dear, here they go again, never mind it's not my problem" and sail through life regardless.

Easy for me to say of course. It's up to you to practice it, and eventually it will become second nature and it will cease to matter.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 08/01/2012 00:27

Yellowraincoat, I know you are right but I just feel really anxious, like I need to decide on something now. I just can't switch off to it, but that is a problem of mine, if something is bothering me it becomes all I can think about.

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LineRunner · 08/01/2012 00:27

Dizzy, there are a lot of posters and threads on MN about that very sad experience - many of them talk about 'toxic' parents (and siblings) and offer advice about recalibrating relationships.

The very sad fact is that many of us just don't get our needs met by some of the closest family members in our lives. Bummer, huh?

yellowraincoat · 08/01/2012 00:33

The thing is, you don't need to decide anything now. You can just let go for today or this week or this month and the situation will either go away or resolve itself or it'll still be there waiting. Sitting here worrying about it and going over it isn't actually going to solve it.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 08/01/2012 00:42

Thanks for the link LineRunner, can't open link from my phone but will read it tomorrow.

Yellow, I'm going to keep reading that post when I'm flapping about what to do. Makes perfect sense, just getting it into my thick skull.

Going to try to get some sleep before DS wakes me (teething!). Night all.

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Imjustagirl · 08/01/2012 00:44

Its easy to read your original posts and react and say that you are being ott and your family have apologised and you need to accept you also hurt them. To be honest, thats also virtually my view. However, you carry with you the entire history of your relationship with your mum and sis. Past issues and experiences have obviously made you feel more sensitive about their reaction. Also, there is the fact that this was your long awaited wedding day. I know that I fell out with a friend as she felt unable to attend my wedding due to personal issues. When I look back now, I am ashamed that I reacted as I did. However, at the time I was all consumed by my wedding and hurt beyond belief that she wouldn't attend. At the moment you no doubt feel raw that your wedding party was tarnished by yous sis and mum's behaviour. Your perfect day was made less than perfect by their behaviour. I completely understand why you think they should have held it together and spoke to you after the event, if upset. However, you have to remember they knew nothing about the wedding. It will have been a complete shock to them. In the circumstances, if I was your sister, I would have felt like you had smacked me in the face! If you had told immediate family half hour before the others arrived and then made the announcement to friends, your family would have felt much more included. I think you got too caught up in the excitment of telling a room full of people your happy news. It would have been virtually impossible to expect your family to put on a happy face and act normally.

You need time. I think you should accept their apology and explain that the last thing you meant to do was to hurt them. You will feel easier about this further down the track.

Ps, Congratulations. Its up to you and your dh whether you can move on and remember the most important part of the day, your perfect wedding.

pictish · 08/01/2012 01:00

Totally 100% what I'mjustagirl just said.

You cannot allow their bad behaviour make you behave badly too. Chin up now OP.

Goodnight xx

pictish · 08/01/2012 01:03

And while it sounds so very trite, the fact is.....one day you will look back on all this and laugh. Grin

minimisschief · 08/01/2012 01:10

What difference does the medium make when they are saying the same words with the same meaning.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 08/01/2012 01:16

If they are so awful, why did you "absolutely genuinely thought they would be surprised but pleased"?

That doesn't make sense. You would have known exactly what their reaction would be which points even more to the fact that this situation is entirely of your own making. You either knew there would be histrionics and you set them up. Or their reaction is a shock to you as stated above, in which case they're not what you're now painting them to be.

LineRunner · 08/01/2012 01:37

I think the OP's tale may be tragedy of hope over experience.

kiasport · 08/01/2012 07:52

I think you probably have more in common with them than you think if they are into overblown, dramatic gestures.

I think announcing you've just got married at a party to a load of guests you haven't invited is a pretty overblown, dramatic gesture too.

Just pointing out, that you may think that you're the only 'victim' of this kind of behaviour but you're probably guilty of it too. You're never going to get along if you all behave this way.

In future, it's probably best not to try to fight fire with fire if the fallout is going to hurt you so much.

MovesLikeJagger · 08/01/2012 09:17

OP you clearly do not particularly like your mother or sister or you would not speak about them the way you do.

You hurt their feelings, they reacted badly because they were hurt. Apology has been received but it's not a good enough one for you and you will not phone them so I think you've made your decision really.

I'm afraid you and your DH sound like you enjoy being the 'victims' in this whole drama and want it to carry on. If you wanted it to end you would accept apology and move on from it, the fact that you won't is making a pretty clear statement IMO.

McHappyPants2012 · 08/01/2012 09:30

op you have hurt them, and something happened at the party......they have apologised.

What more do you want

clam · 08/01/2012 09:58

I stumbled across this thread after the initial post had been pulled so I don't really know exactly what your mum and sister did at the party that has so upset you.
However, even if you did get the face-to-face apology that you're after, would that really make any difference? I can't see that it would change anything. This whole thing goes deeper than that one night.

Bunbaker · 08/01/2012 10:32

"What difference does the medium make when they are saying the same words with the same meaning."

I agree. They have obviously realised that the way they behaved was inappropriate so they have apologised. What more do you want? Blood?

NinkyNonker · 08/01/2012 11:58

I know all about emotionally difficult, draining families, and you have my complete sympathy in that regard! I have to keep reminding myself that I can't control them, or make them who I want them to be, all I can do is control myself and who I want to be, if that makes sense? So try to manage our relationship, manage my reactions, how I allow them to make me feel.

So, focus on the positives. You had the wedding you wanted, and the majority were thrilled for you. Your family threw a hissy, which is sad but point one still remains. Now decide on your reaction. You don't have to decide now, but think about how you want things to work going forward. Apologise on a ltd basis for your actions, not for getting married but for not telling them, but reinforce that given you assumed that they wanted you to be happy you had expected, or hoped that they would respond accordingly. Then you are on a level playing field and when you feel ready you can decide how you want to move forward with the relationship.

I decided to work on my responses. Not let the automatic, all consuming guilt take over if I stood up for myself for example. Not to leap to respond to every communique (my mother would be emailing backwards and forwards all day every day for example) and try to distance myself slightly to try to reinforce that I am an adult, a seperate entity in my own right with her own family. Not feel pressured to include them in all our decisions because we're both mature adults etc. Because that was appropriate for the issues I had...your course of action may be different.

Sorry if this doesn't make sense, am on my phone and reviewing is harder!

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 08/01/2012 12:03

Ninkynonker that makes perfect sense and is excellent advice, thank you.

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Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 08/01/2012 12:07

GwendonlineMary....because we had broached the subject several times, making it clear it was a definite intention and not a pipedream, and had only had positive comments, normally anything they find a a negative is immediately, very vocally, shot down and you are left in no uncertain terms as to their feelings. Which is why I am still so shocked at their behaviour.

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