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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that an apology by text/in a card isn't good enough

227 replies

DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 16:19

And if you have done something that really upsets people, you should at least pick up the phone or try to apologise in person?

Would like others opinions though, can't work out if I'm expecting too much.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 21:53

Fit2flop how exactly do you work that out from my last reply to you? They were positive when discussed before, I had no reason to believe their reaction would be so bad. I'm going to put this in capitals as people seem incapable of reading it, I DON'T WANT THEM TO GROVEL, I JUST WANT AN APOLOGY WHICH APPEARS SINCERE.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 21:56

I accept from what everyone has said that we could have handled this better, and will think about how I want to continue my relationship with my family. Thanks for the perspective. I am however going to ask for this thread to be pulled as it is quite specific and could be identifying. I should have namechanged but didn't think.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 07/01/2012 21:58

I don't see why this thread should be pulled.

pictish · 07/01/2012 21:59

Honestly, I think it's a case of six of one, half a dozen of the other. Your mum and sis, rightly or wrongly, felt they had been sidelined on your big day, in not being brought up to speed before everyone else.
You intitially posted in the spirit of not giving a toss about those hurt feelings, and being put out by them daring to have them....which I think is pretty selfy.
If they knew you were going to wed in that fashion, then personally speaking, I think a heads up before the announcement would have been appropriate, rather than having them run with the masses...so to speak.

Had it been me...I would've reacted like your dh's sisters....I would be pleased for you....but I can totally see why your side felt cast aside too.

It's not so much about the actual wedding, but your attitude towards your supposed loved ones, I think. You appear to lack any understanding about how this has made them feel....and to put the cherry on top of the whole wedding cake, you encourage your husband to demand an apology as well, when really...no matter what he has or has not done for them, they remain YOUR family and owe him nothing. Their grievance is with YOU and he has no place demanding anything. There are times when spouses need to butt out, and this is one of those times.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 07/01/2012 22:01

No, but you are expecting more than a text to apologise so clearly their chosen method is not good enough for you?

And no, you didn't go out of your way to hurt them. But you didn't go out of your way to tell them as sensitively as possible either did you. Whether you intended to hurt them or not, you still hurt them, and then expected them to be full of the joys in front of your friends and in laws for the next few hours on new years eve. They must have been gutted.

Have you apologised to them?

MaryZed · 07/01/2012 22:02

Oh, God.

Yet another "I don't like the replies so I'll pretend I've outed myself so that I don't look like a gobshite can get the thread pulled [sigh].

And I was even nice to you. I needn't have bothered [grumpy].

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 07/01/2012 22:02

And what Pictish just said about your dh butting out.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 07/01/2012 22:02

Imo I would be deeply hurt if anyone I loved and was close to ( eg, dad, mum, bro, sis) went and got married without informing me beforehand that it was planned I would also be deeply offended.

I would view it (especially as you had a couple with you), that you simply didn't want me there. That - I think is hurtfull, as I love that person and would want to be there to celebrate and witness the promise you made with your DH. It's a moment that cannot be replaced.

I agree it was your day and you did as you wanted.

But at the same time I can't understand why you wouldn't want your immediate family there, as in your case thre are only a few immediate family members anyway.

However, you obviously need to have a face to face conveersation with your Mum and Sis.

Congratulations though!

mynewpassion · 07/01/2012 22:02

If you didn't want them to grovel, then why didn't you at least accepted your mother's written apology?

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 22:02

Pictish we'll have to agree to disagree, IMO it was his wedding and celebrations as much as mine, they should have either held their annoyance until the next day or even asked to speak to me\us upstairs, not caused a massive scene and he has every right to be annoyed at them.

OP posts:
ReindeerBollocks · 07/01/2012 22:02

If they were genuinely nice relatives they would be happy for you (like DHs family). However they are putting their own feelings first and they responded badly at your wedding party.

I can only imagine what they would have been like had you had a big family wedding.

As it is I don't think you'll receive a genuine apology.

fit2drop · 07/01/2012 22:03

*dizzy the walking on coals statement was a carry on from my post just before yours, The bit that you chose to ignore... this bit
Just because it isnt wrapped up in ribbons and lace and they aren't flogging themselves and wearing sack cloths does not mean they are not sincere in their apology

They have apologised, cards and texts are treading water apologies , judging by your responses here , who can blame them for doing it that way.Maybe if you had the good grace to accept their written apologies , they would elaborate more and to your standard once they see you face to face

Personally I think you are being very petty about something they have done in response to something you did that was extremely unthoughtful to them.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 22:03

Mynewpassion, because it was all about letting her see DS and not an actual apology.

OP posts:
BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 07/01/2012 22:04

Should you not apologise?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 07/01/2012 22:05

They have every right to be annoyed at him too then.

Perhaps you should should get him to apologise face to face at the same time as you do.

pictish · 07/01/2012 22:05

Sounds like you pair deserve are made for each other.
Congratulations!

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 22:06

Thank you ReindeerBollocks, I think that's what hurt so much, I can honestly hand on heart say if anyone, friend or family, did what we did I would be genuinely delighted for them, and I felt it selfish of them to make such a scene.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 07/01/2012 22:07

From your last post, yep, you do want a groveling apology. You said that your mother had done a written apology along with wanting seeing your child, her grandchild.

MaryZed · 07/01/2012 22:07

So are you stopping her from seeing your ds if she doesn't apologise?

I must have missed that bit. That's a bit childish isn't it?

usualsuspect · 07/01/2012 22:09

I think you should apologise tbh

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 07/01/2012 22:09

You have stopped her from seeing your DS ..... What a less than nice person you are

mynewpassion · 07/01/2012 22:10

She is childish. Let's say there was a face-to-face apology, then she will say it wasn't sincere enough because it included coming by to see grandchild.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 22:10

MaryZed, he is unable to see her if I am not there for various reasons, unrelated to this, has never seen her without DH or I there, but he only sees him once a week or so, so wouldn't have seen him from then to now anyway, so no we are not.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 22:11

Cookclean how about you give me a chance to reply before rushing to judgement?

OP posts:
cookcleanerchaufferetc · 07/01/2012 22:12

Ok .....