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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that an apology by text/in a card isn't good enough

227 replies

DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 16:19

And if you have done something that really upsets people, you should at least pick up the phone or try to apologise in person?

Would like others opinions though, can't work out if I'm expecting too much.

OP posts:
Morloth · 07/01/2012 23:03

DizzyCow63 'Ninkynonker I think I am just still quite shocked and hurt and not really thinking logically. I still can't think about without crying.'

Right, now imagine feeling like that at a party and being expected to pretend to be happy.

This situation is your doing, the history isn't relevant. You made all the choices that lead up to them being hurt. Whether through thoughtlessness or deliberately you have engineered a situation where your family were made to feel they were unimportant to you.

I too assumed you were thinking you would need to apologise in person.

They probably can't give you a sincere apology because they are probably not sorry. I wouldn't be.

If you are going to act in a thoughtless selfish manner then you can't be surprised when people react to that.

LineRunner · 07/01/2012 23:10

I'm thinking, OP, that perhaps your mother and sister would imagine that quite a few other people must have known about your getting married, such as your DCs, as well as the two friends and perhaps their own little circles, who had kept it a secret.

Maybe they felt embarrassed, feeling like they were last to know.

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 07/01/2012 23:13

Agree with Morloth

Whether you made it clear or not that you were planning a 'secret' wedding, your DM and DS are hurt. For me - completely understandably.

They have apologised.

Not the most gracious or possibly sincere of apologies - but an apology.

What more do you want?

Have you apologised? As in hindsight you realise your actions have hurt them?

I wouldn't apologise twice for something as my first apology wasn't deemed good enough.

Accept the apology or don't. But YABU to moan about it imo.

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 07/01/2012 23:14

Just because they didn't want to be told in front of your friends, including the ones that did actually get to be at the wedding, at what they thought was a new years eve party, does not mean that they think they are more important than dh's family.

Has it not even occurred to you that they might have thought they might be more important than all your friends? It's your mother and your sister ffs!

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 23:21

They said they should have been told first, before anyone...ie including DH's family.

Perhaps I am judging them too much by what I would do, but if I have believed I have amends to make in the past, I have always, always, either done it personally or at least a call.

I'm going to bed, but you all have given me a lot to ponder.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 07/01/2012 23:23

Although you seem to have pulled your own post, I recall you saying that your husband was the one insisting on your mother making a face to face apology...

Seems like he is quite keen to encourage a divide rather than get past this situation to me..

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 23:27

Squeaky it's nothing to do with him encouraging a divide at all, but about him being very annoyed at the argument, and that I was so upset on our wedding day. He absolutely isn't the type of person to encourage a divide, you couldn't be more wrong.

OP posts:
BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 07/01/2012 23:29

Then he should accept the apology too and move on.

It's done. It's over. It's the past. Can't be changed and can't be made better.

Forgive AND forget.

Not the way married life should start off at.

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 07/01/2012 23:32

I think you seem like an immature diva .
Most of us do grow up and realise that our parents are not perfect .
You need to be a little more understanding and a lot less demanding .
And no. Your family would not have been able to 'contain' themselves . It is very hard to rationalise emotions when we are hurting .

pictish · 07/01/2012 23:40

Yes that's right....as YOUR mother and sister, they probably felt they had first dibs on the news from YOU.
What your dh does with his sisters is between them.
Your mum and sis aren't particularly concerned about them....why would they be? They feel they should come first to YOU.

Don't you get that? Why is that so difficult for you to understand?

Dh's family - his responsibility.
Your family - yours.

That's why I think your dh is inappropriate to think he may demand an apology. It's between YOU and your MOTHER and SISTER. They have been hurt by YOU.
I can understand that your dh was distressed to see you upset on your wedding day....but as has been discussed, you pretty much brought that upon yourself by making your family feel like they are of no consequence to you.
Lucky dh in that his sisters didn't mind, but he certainly doesn't get to opinionate on how your family should feel!

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 23:42

Pictish because I have never ever come
First for them, not once.

OP posts:
pictish · 07/01/2012 23:43

Ah.

pictish · 07/01/2012 23:48

Now we are getting somewhere.....if you do not wish to elaborate, that's ok...but be aware that we can only ever make an opinion based on what information we have here.

If there is more to it, then that is fair fucks....but we can only go on what we know.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 23:50

I did say earlier that there was a lot of background and other issues, but to be fair that's probably been lost amongst all my being unreasonable Smile

OP posts:
pictish · 07/01/2012 23:57

Have they got form for histrionics?

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 08/01/2012 00:04

Absolutely, mother has full on dramatics at the slightest thing and everything is always a negative. History of lying to make herself look better. Is v v paranoid and has no social skills whatsoever. Sister is extremely opinionated and in your face, you daren't disagree with her. Rest of family dont speak to them at all.

They are extremely close but v volatile, lots of bitching but sis still lives at home and mum scares of her temper so will always take her side.

I am just an outsider until they need something or want to see DS. I even have texts to say they are coming down to see DS but don't care about seeing me Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 08/01/2012 00:06

Pictish I will apologise for my earlier rude remarks, been lying here talking to DH, think I am so caught up and worn out with their other behaviour that I can't see the wood for the trees regarding this, but I was totally out of line to swear at you and I'm sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 08/01/2012 00:06

*should say regarding this fall out

OP posts:
LineRunner · 08/01/2012 00:06

The thing is, you probably gave them something to be dramatic about. But hindsight is a wonderful thing.

LineRunner · 08/01/2012 00:09

Also, it's probably not really the style of the apology that's bugging you.

I think you want them to change.

A1980 · 08/01/2012 00:10

I would be touched by a card to say sorry. It would mean alot to me.

In a way a card is easier as if what has happened is quite upsetting, picking up the phone can be hard as it can be difficult to get across what you really want to say as the person you are apologising too can start talking back or not want to hear, etc.

The card says exactly what you want to say to the person with no interuptions and is also permanent so you can keep it.

it opens the door and if you talk after the card, you can say sorry in person too.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 08/01/2012 00:10

LineRunner, I would love them to change. Absolutely. But I have begged and pleaded so many times, it makes no difference.

OP posts:
pictish · 08/01/2012 00:13

Ach don't worry about that....I've been told to fuck off on here before, and no doubt will be again. Wink

Right. Ok.
I think you have been given a hard time on here tonight because without knowing the ins and outs of mum and sis, it appeared like you were being hard and selfy....and diva-esque with your need for further apologies.

I will be the first to concede that you may have been misunderstood. I think perhaps your desire for an apology covers a huge array of misdemeanours.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 08/01/2012 00:15

A1980 I do get what you mean, and if it was anyone else, I expect I wouldn't have an issue with the card. But with my mum, I just feel like I have let her hurt me so often, I just can't pick up the phone. I do accept I was wrong this time, we should have went about it differently, but we did genuinely think the telling them that was our plan several times and having no negative reaction, meant they weren't fussed (given how low DH & I usually rank, I wasn't surprised).

OP posts:
Morloth · 08/01/2012 00:17

Well the thing is, they might be right. You might not view them as very important in the scheme of things and might not be interested in their feelings on the matter.

If that is the case (and it would seem it is) then that is the way it is. But you can't have it both ways. You can't view these people as pains in the arses that you can't be bothered with and simultaneously expect them to put you first. Either their feelings matter to you or they don't.

If their feelings don't matter then that should also extend to whether you care if they are sorry or not.

If you wish to continue a relationship with them you are going to have to apologise for leaving them out of the loop. If you don't wish to continue a relationship then don't. But don't then complain that they are not behaving as you wish. Grow up, take responsibility for your actions and realise that you can't just do things like this and not expect there to be repercussions.