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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that an apology by text/in a card isn't good enough

227 replies

DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 16:19

And if you have done something that really upsets people, you should at least pick up the phone or try to apologise in person?

Would like others opinions though, can't work out if I'm expecting too much.

OP posts:
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 19:28

*Wetsuit = were our

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 19:30

Sorry it's so long. Excuse typos am on my stupid phone.

OP posts:
MrsB24 · 07/01/2012 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

molepom · 07/01/2012 19:33

In that case I would want a face to face apology too, and to be honest I think you did thee right thing in marrying in secret, can you imagine the hell that would have been the arrangements.

Your sister sent a text apologising, fair enough but she still needs to aologise to your face and to your DH's. Your mother needs to accept that she had a part in this too and also needs to aologise to your face.

Posting a card saying sorry but refuding to accept that your actions and words had nothing to do with it, is NOT an apology. It's empty.

squeakytoy · 07/01/2012 19:33

It was probably a major thing to your mother and your sister that you got married without telling them, and that you did this with your "closest" friends. It is not nice to feel excluded, or to be lumped in with everyone and anyone as if you have no importance.

YNABU, but you did really bring it on yourself, and demanding public apologies is just going to make things worse in my view.

WilsonFrickett · 07/01/2012 19:34

I would imagine they aren't really sorry. Perhaps they're sorry there was a row, perhaps your S is sorry she visibly sulked, but I imagine they still think you were wrong in not telling them first / on their own. They are trying to smoothe things over, but I think they are taking baby steps hoping you'll meet them halfway.

OR they are ashamed and too ashamed to face you, hence cards.

What do you think it is?

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 19:39

But squeakytoy, it's not that they had no importance, but just that they are EQUALLY as important as DH's family, what gives them the right to believe they are more important? Geniune question, I could understand them being annoyed if IL's knew first.

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 07/01/2012 19:39

Your Dsis and DM are very hurt.

They would dearly have loved to have been at your wedding, however small, but you didn't invite them, instead you chose some other people as your witnesses. You did't tell them of your news separately, they found out along with everybody else. Your actions are basically saying to them "you are no more important to me than all these other people at the party"

They are now trying to make up for hurting you when they were angry. Are you trying to make up for hurting them? Or are you just complaining their apology is not good enough for you?

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 19:40

Molepom, you have said exactly how I feel, thank you, it helps to know someone understands.

OP posts:
kiasport · 07/01/2012 19:41

I don't know really.

I don't really 'get' these weddings where close family are excluded but close friends aren't, and then the family are just supposed to be excited for the couple despite effectively being told they aren't as important to the couple as other people are.

But I will probably get flamed for that. On mumsnet, competitive under-weddening is rife.

YABU, and lucky to get an apology in the first place given that you didn't even tell them first.

molepom · 07/01/2012 19:41

Dizzy, no matter what you would have done you would have ended up upsetting somone in this situation.

newbiedoobiedoo · 07/01/2012 19:43

Ooh I don't know about this one. Surely your own mother deserved to know before your friends? Unless she's been absolutely horrible to you throughout your life? I can see why they would be hurt!

I'm not condoning ruining your night but really, can you imagine thinking you're going to your dd's for a NYE party and then finding out she couldn't be bothered to tell you she'd gotten married?!

I think it's a bit out of order to not accept the apologies that have been made too if I'm honest. DH wants a face to face apology? Why?! (Genuine question).

kiasport · 07/01/2012 19:44

"To us it was such a major thing, to put such a cloud on our wedding day"

It wasn't your wedding day, it was a week later.

yellowraincoat · 07/01/2012 19:45

The whole thing sounds like an overdramatic nightmare on all sides. This is why I avoid family stuff.

kiasport · 07/01/2012 19:45

Oops, .sorry, ignore that, it was your wedding day.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 19:45

Kiasport, just to clarify there were only two close friends, legally required as witnesses, otherwise we wouldn't have had anyone. We didn't have loads of friends and just no family.

Even after all this I wouldn't change our wedding itself, it was perfect, and I strongly believe anyone should have whatever type of wedding they want. To me it is more to do with their behaviour at the party, I don't dispute they have the right to be annoyed, it's just how they expressed their annoyance that has hurt us.

OP posts:
molepom · 07/01/2012 19:46

Yello - I'm begining to think thas is exactly the reason why they did it in secret.

newbiedoobiedoo · 07/01/2012 19:49

But you don't make allowances for immediate reactions. They were and probably are devestated! I think you showed a massive lack of respect towards them tbh.

Of course you are entitled to whatever wedding you want but to tell your own family at a party with friends and acquaintances? If they behaved badly I'm sure it was out of hurt, and I think you (as in DH and you) need to accept that you've hurt people instead of punishing them further because their apologies weren't up to your standards!

kiasport · 07/01/2012 19:49

I don't know.

You got the wedding day you wanted.

You then created a situation where they couldn't process the information anywhere other than in public. And now you're cross because they processed the information in public.

I'm not condoning them being rude to you, but you could have thought this through.

Their actions sound insensitive - but based in the heat of the moment.

Your actions were insensitve and thought through and planned.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 07/01/2012 19:50

what reaction did you expect from them when you just told them along with everyone else?

ProfessorSunny · 07/01/2012 19:50

I wouldn't appreciate an apology by text anywhere near as much as one in a card. It's like a thank you via text message, a written card (depending on the reason) is much nicer. I would say thanks for a lift in a text message but would say thank you for an invitation to dinner with a card.

NinkyNonker · 07/01/2012 19:51

I kind of agree with Lynette. Yes, they could have waited, but I don't really blame them for feeling very hurt. You could easily have told them before the party, therefore acknowledging their importance in your life, if in fact they have any?

I don't think I would play the wounded martyr really, accept the apology as a starter to a conversation and take it from there.

yellowraincoat · 07/01/2012 19:51

I suppose it depends on the relationship you have. I can't imagine I'd be in any way bothered if my brother got married in secret, in fact, it was a massive pain in the arse for me going to his wedding.

But all this demanding an apology stuff. I dunno. Life's too short.

Oakmaiden · 07/01/2012 19:53

Honestly - until the last two paragraphs of your explanatory post I thought YOU wanted to apologise to your Mum and sister for upsetting them by not inviting them to your wedding.

I would be devastated if my daughter got married and didn't invite me, or indeed tell me until at a party afterwards.

And to blame them for ruining your "night"? When they didn't even have any advance warning to allow themselves to put on a brave face and pretend that they didn't mind?

Yes, it is a shame the didn't accept immediately and with good grace, but I can understand them feeling hurt. And whilst texts/cards may feel perfunstory to you, they are at least trying to build bridges and accepting that they caused hurt to you - whilst you don't seem to consider the hurt you may have caused them.

And I would have thought your mother is far more important to tell than siblings. Unless there is a massive history here that you haven't shared with us and she was abusive/neglectful/etc.