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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that an apology by text/in a card isn't good enough

227 replies

DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 16:19

And if you have done something that really upsets people, you should at least pick up the phone or try to apologise in person?

Would like others opinions though, can't work out if I'm expecting too much.

OP posts:
fit2drop · 07/01/2012 21:02

I think that text and card apologies are a "testing the water" step.
Its fair enough that they feel they need to do that and how you respond will dictate whether you move forward or let thiscontinue.
You got the wedding you wanted , thats great.. they were probably shocked and hurt but have had time to look at the bigger picture.
If you value a relationship with your family , take the olive branch offered, even if it is for your child who deserves to have a relationship with his aunty and grandma.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 21:03

Yellowraincoat I absolutely genuinely thought they would be surprised but pleased. Perhaps rather naively.

OP posts:
pictish · 07/01/2012 21:03

Gah...my post has been deleted....now anyone reading the thread will think I said something really horrid.
I didn't btw. No idea why it's been scrapped!

Anyhoo OP - telling me to fuck off asides, perhaps you can now see by the responses that you are certainly not entirely innocent in all of this, and could do with eating a little humble pie yourself.

As for DH has said, and I am inclined to agree, that he wants a face-to-face apology - words fail me!

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 07/01/2012 21:08

I Think the OP has been rather naive and selfish and hard and should be apologising to Mum and Sis. They have apologised. As for the OP DH wanting a face to face apology ... I know where I would tell him to go.

Saying you are going to do something is one thing, but when you actually do it is another. They were shocked and clearly hurt and apparently think more of you than you do of them.

Why have people over to celebrate your wedding when you don't regard them highly enough to invite them ....

IMo Yabu

mercibien · 07/01/2012 21:08

YABU and you sound very immature, do you really have such poor relationship with your family that you couldn't have called them imediately after marrying to tell them your news?

Oakmaiden · 07/01/2012 21:11

Dizzy - thank you for responding to my point. To be honest, it did sound harsh when you made that response to yellowraincoat.

However, my thoughts on your question. I have typed this several times, and it sounds really pompous and smug. I'm sorry about that. But here we go:

I think it is important to consider how the things I do affect other people - especially the people I care about. If something I am going to do would cause someone I care about to be hurt then it wouldn't give me any joy, and I wouldn't do it. Or I would try to find a way to do it that causes least pain. At the very least I would be sensitive to the fact that it might hurt them, and would make allowances for that.

So yes, as it happened I did invite people to my wedding who I didn't know, and in a couple of cases didn't like. But the offence my not inviting them would have caused would be greater than the negative affect they would have on the wedding.

In your case, you say that you wouldn't have enjoyed your wedding had your mum been there. I have assumed it was a fairly short registry office do - forgive me if my assumption is wrong. I really don't see how the lack of enjoyment you would have suffered by her being present sitting in a chair watching was a worse thing than what has actually happened, with your party spoiled and all of you apparently upset for several days afterwards?

So maybe I take the path of least resistance, maybe I am a "people pleaser" - I don't know. But I do think that the way I live my life and the chioices I make don't just affect me, they affect everyone around me. And I bear that in mind when I make choices.

However, hindsight is a wonderful thing. What is done is done. It might help you though to think about how you would feel if your daughter said to you "I didn't invite you to the most special day of my life, Mum, because I didn't want you there. I wouldn't enjoy it if you were there." I know you haven't said this to her is those words, but you have said it here and it isn't too much of a reach to think that she might be feeling this is why you didn't invite her. And that must be devastating.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 21:16

Mercibien, I couldn't have told them on the phone, as mum was at work. There was a very short window between her finishing work and coming here, and I did think telling them in person was better than over the phone, and as I have said it was important that both out families found out together.

OP posts:
Sidge · 07/01/2012 21:19

Regarding insisting on a face-to-face apology I think you're pushing it really.

You had everything go the way you wanted it to, which is fair enough to a point. But now their behaviour (ie the way they apologised) isn't going the way you want it to.

Leave it. Or you risk behaving like a total diva and driving an even bigger wedge between you and your mum and sister.

mercibien · 07/01/2012 21:22

sounds like a poor excuse to me and perhaps you, your mum and sister are cut from the same cloth: you feel they owe you an apology and vice versa?

IUseTooMuchKitchenRoll · 07/01/2012 21:23

You did something that you knew would hurt them, and now you (and your dh! Shock) want them to make a grovelling apology because they couldn't hid their feelings as well as you would have liked?

YABVU!

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 21:23

Mercibien, not a poor excuse, simple practicalities.

OP posts:
kiasport · 07/01/2012 21:24

Gah, I shouldn't be here, but - you want a personal apology despite the fact that you couldn't offer them the courtesy of a personal notification that you were married.

And, I know you wanted to tell all family at the same time - but couldnt' you have bundled your mum, sister and the SIL's off to tell them personally before announcing it en masse?

Don't you see the irony in what you're being offended by? Really?

Oakmaiden · 07/01/2012 21:25

Anyway - the earlier post still stands. What is done is done.

In the end all you can do is decide how to move on from here. I'm going to go and play a game now - let us know how things go for you.

And I hope you have a very happy married life with your partner. Best wishes. xxx

pictish · 07/01/2012 21:25

I think your choice of wedding is fine. it's up to you, and what both you and your dh wanted.....but I do think you were being unrealistic to think that everyone was going to see it from your point of view. This could have been avoided if you had been less concerned about basking in the attention of the announcement, and more mindful of your family.

Where I think you are going very wrong now, is your haughty demands for a better apology, and supporting your dh in demanding one too....he is not their son or brother, so frankly he needs to button it.

Oakmaiden · 07/01/2012 21:25

Not partner - husband!!!

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 21:29

IUseToomuch, for the third time, nowhere have I said I want them to grovel. I didn't go out of my way to hurt them.

OP posts:
mercibien · 07/01/2012 21:30

You reap what you sow, good luck with your relationships in life.

skybluepearl · 07/01/2012 21:33

I can't see the problem with telling family and close friends at the same time. My close friends are closer than my brothers and parents - just as important in my life.

It's great you got married the way you wanted to. Your sister is very nasty reacting as she did. I'd probably blank her for a bit untill you got an apology in person.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 21:34

Kia, there were only approx eight people here apart from immediate family, in hindsight I can see where you are coming from but our thoughts were more that it wasn't a huge group of randomers so to speak, but more it was just our families and very closest friends. Not saying this was right but just explaining where we coming from.

Pictish, DH has done more for my mum and sis than alot of sons or brothers would, and it was his wedding day and party to, so he has every right to his own POV.

OP posts:
kiasport · 07/01/2012 21:36

But were those 8 people close friends of your mum, sister and SIL? Because if not then surely they are just going to see themselves in a room with a load of people they don't know very well being told at the same time as them?

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 21:37

Skybluepearl, that's how we viewed it. And those friends that were here are the friends who her supported us through alot, especially the death of DH's parents eight months apart, when my mum was more than unsupportive and used to complain when we visited MIL slightly more often than her, regardless of the fact her husband had just died!

OP posts:
fit2drop · 07/01/2012 21:39

Actually OP , you said they were aware that you and DH would just pop off and get married one day as you had talked about it before, Surely thier reaction then would have told you/ warned you/ been a red light as to what the fall out would be.

They have apologised, have the good grace to accept it . Just because it isnt wrapped up in ribbons and lace and they aren't flogging themselves and wearing sack cloths does not mean they are not sincere in their apology.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 21:42

Fit2drop, but they didn't have a bad reaction, they were fine about it, various comments about not wasting money on a big wedding etc etc.

OP posts:
fit2drop · 07/01/2012 21:46

DizzyCow63
Just accept their apology, you are coming across like a spoilt entitled princess.
Or have they not done the walking on coals yet ?

Jux · 07/01/2012 21:47

That is the wedding I wanted, and told my family that was what I would do in the unlikely event I got married at all. However, I planned on dragging a couple of strangers in off the street so no one would feel left out, and would have told parents privately first. (As it is, dh 'had' to have family there, so I couldn't leave mine out.)

I think you handled this badly. You had two friends there, implying they were more important than your family. Then you compounded that by not telling parents separately, but lumping them in with everyone else.

I think there is fault on both sides.