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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that an apology by text/in a card isn't good enough

227 replies

DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 16:19

And if you have done something that really upsets people, you should at least pick up the phone or try to apologise in person?

Would like others opinions though, can't work out if I'm expecting too much.

OP posts:
fit2drop · 07/01/2012 22:13

Why do people come in AIBU and get so defensive when some one says " actually ...YES you are"
Maybe we should have a "only post on this thread if you agree with me so that I feel better about being unreasonable"
but the acronym would be very long opottiyawmstifbabu

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 07/01/2012 22:16

lol fit

VERY correct of some posts though!

MaryZed · 07/01/2012 22:16

But you just said that she only apologised because she wanted to see him Confused. Will you let her see him? Or do you want her to apologise in person first?

You know, although I was nice and understanding (as I usually am) at the beginning, I'm beginning to wonder whether your mum and sister might have a point.

And what fit2drop said - though I would say IAONBUCAAWM (I am obviously not being unreasonable come and agree with me).

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 22:16

Fit2drop if you would take the time to read ally replies you would see I have said it is giving food for thought and I never expected everyone to agree with me. I simply trying to explain to people our thoughts and POV.

OP posts:
cookcleanerchaufferetc · 07/01/2012 22:18

Sorry but I still think from your original post that you are rather, IMO, heartless .....

BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 07/01/2012 22:19

Maybe you should meet and both apologise?

Your Mum and sis have offended you.

You have offended your Mum and Sis.

That is the resolution.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 22:19

MaryZed, yes because my mum automatically thinks the worst of every situation, I have never said she won't see DS. (for perspective, when I was rushed into hosp for surgery, her first question was about who would look after DS if I died, always thinks the worst and over the top).

OP posts:
pickofthepops · 07/01/2012 22:20

Smile trying to smooth waters here .. From personal experience of blow up at own wedding and close relatives due to family discontent, Let's remember that weddings are so so sensitive. I had thought as result of own experiences that quiet affairs have to be the way forward. But OP has shown that even
Those have potential to blow. I'd love to know how not to have someone upset. But at end of day the wedding couple shouldn't have every anniversary thinking about family rows

MaryZed · 07/01/2012 22:24

Well, I really think at this point you need to let it go, move on, maybe apologise for not telling them (at which point your mum will probably apologise for being upset) and then leave it.

These things can fester, and I don't see the point. You have nothing to gain by her grovelling.

yellowraincoat · 07/01/2012 22:25

OP, when it comes right down to it, don't you think this is all rather silly? From where I'm sitting, it just feels like a storm in a teacup. You're upset, they're upset. If you don't want a relationship with them, perfect, here's your out. If you do, just sit down, say "sorry I didn't invite you and I could have told you more sensitively".

Job done. Life is only complex if you make it so.

JoyceDivision · 07/01/2012 22:31

Wow, reap what you sow. You didn't invite them to the wedding (you'd made vague noises about getting married on the quiet, that doesn't mean to people that might regard themselves a sclose to you that there may be chance of a wedding they hopefully could attend, did you think that even though you'd mentioned you would marry this way family would secretly be hoping you might not actually do this?) then because you can't be arsed to give your immediate family not even a hours notice before other people that you've got married, you don't like the fact they're upset?

And you and your h want a face to face apology.

If my daughter turned did this and married someone like this and then decided she wanted a face to face apology from me, I would be heartbroken.

fit2drop · 07/01/2012 22:32

DizzyCow63 Sat 07-Jan-12 22:16:45
Fit2drop if you would take the time to read ally replies you would see I have said it is giving food for thought and I never expected everyone to agree with me. I simply trying to explain to people our thoughts and POV

Really! and if you had taken the time to aknowledge thier apologies you would not be on here trying to defend why you ABU

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 22:32

Yellowraincoat, you are exactly right, I am just struggling with that decision. I have put up with so much apart from this, cutting them out would certainly make life less stressful on a day-to-day basis but all our extended family has already done this and I do feel sorry for them, although it is their own doing. Am as I said, DS at the moment can't have a relationship with them unless DH or I are there for other reasons, and I don't want to be responsible for him not having a relationship with his only living GP.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 22:34

JoyceDivision, it wasn't vague noises, it was made very clear that this was our definite and firm intention, it was just a matter of timing.

OP posts:
mynewpassion · 07/01/2012 22:42

The longer you wait dithering the harder the "I am sorrys" will be.

Like others have said, they have made overtures, the ball is in your court. You could continue posting and defending yourself on here with wanting sincere apologies or you could call your mother and say, I got your apology card and I accept your apologies. You could also say that you apologize for not telling them ahead of time but you didn't want to do it over the phone and time ran out before the party started. You really did want to tell them before announcing it to the rest of the group.

mercibien · 07/01/2012 22:46

Dizzy, just let it drop now,you and your husband ABU to expect further apologies
Why are your feelings more important than your mother's or sister's in this situation?

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 22:49

Mercibien, I never said they were, but mum and sis clearly thought they were more important than DH's family though.

OP posts:
mercibien · 07/01/2012 22:52

to them you are.....

Oakmaiden · 07/01/2012 22:52

Thing is though - if you had phoned them first they wouldn't have known who you had told first...

But I don't think the issue is who you told first - the issue is that you told them in not-private/intimate gathering, along with a load of other people they didn't know. And that didn't allow them space to hide their feelings sufficiently.

fit2drop · 07/01/2012 22:53

thud
Dizzy you really are starting to appear petulant now.

Oakmaiden · 07/01/2012 22:54

...and that you are now posting asking if you should demand an "in-person" apology for their inability to react as you wanted, rather than being willing to accept the text/card they have offered.

mynewpassion · 07/01/2012 22:56

Oakmaiden, an in-person, sincere apology. don't forget the sincere part.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 07/01/2012 22:57

Be the grown up here. Accept their apology graciously and move on.

JoyceDivision · 07/01/2012 22:58

oooohhh, 'but mum and sis clearly thought they were more important than DH's family though'

why, because they showed that they were upset? Oh. My. God. You are now picking at your family for being upset but deciding that rather than admitting you have upset them, you have decided they are upset because they think they are more important than your h's family???

You quite clearly think that you're more important than your mum and sis!

aaarrrrgghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

If your mum meets you face to face I hope she tells you to stick your apology up your arse. Then you and your h can sit and slag off your family for your married life! What joy!

PattiMayor · 07/01/2012 23:00

I think your reaction is out of proportion to what's happened but clearly there is a lot of back story. If you want them in your son's life, I'd accept the apology and move on. They clearly are never going to behave in a way that you feel is appropriate so you either accept them as they are or cut them off.