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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that an apology by text/in a card isn't good enough

227 replies

DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 16:19

And if you have done something that really upsets people, you should at least pick up the phone or try to apologise in person?

Would like others opinions though, can't work out if I'm expecting too much.

OP posts:
slowburner · 07/01/2012 19:53

Various thoughts, firstly congratulations on your wedding, my wedding day was without question the very happiest day of my life and thinking about how happy I was that day gets me through the rough buts which come with all marriages.

YANBU to be pissed off with your sister and mother. Fact is you have carefully ensured that neither side if your family found out before the other. You have also always been clear that you will have a wedding on the qt without huge palavers about bridesmaids and hats and seating plans, it's not as if
U promised your sister that she would be maid of honour and then snuck off and married without her.

As for an apology, any format is good however it has to be sincere and I can fully see if this is how they behaved when you left them out why you didn't invite them in the first place. Why not just leave it for a while? My sister irritates the f out of me on a regular basis, we see very very little of each other and to be totally honest I like it that way.

ScaredyDog · 07/01/2012 19:56

I think it's quite big of them that they've both apologised.

They are clearly upset about not being invited to your wedding, I don't blame them.

They reacted badly, have recognised that and have apologised to you. Not the apology you wanted - but equally, I think they had good reason to be upset.

I think you should put this behind you and try and get back to normal - sounds like they want to.

I don't think the apology should be on your terms to be honest - you've clearly upset them by not inviting them to your wedding and they are hurt.

slowburner · 07/01/2012 19:56

As for having the wedding YOU wanted, fair play, after all it is YOUR wedding. Why should you have to invite people or family you don't want, why should you have to invite anyone? Why on earth should everyone feel they have some god given right to be invited to weddings?

newbiedoobiedoo · 07/01/2012 19:59

But slowburner it's not about them not being invited is it? More about the fact that they found out at a party full of op's friends? I just don't think there was any need for that! Couldn't OP and her DH have told their families at the same time. Did it HAVE to be at a party with everyone else?

I agree with Oakmaiden I thought OP was going to say she'd sent a card to say sorry for hurting them!

PattiMayor · 07/01/2012 19:59

My sister didn't invite anyone to her wedding and one of my friends got married recently without telling anyone either. I suppose the difference with my sister is that she told us she was going off to get married - we didn't know when exactly but we knew it would be when they were on holiday.

I know my friend's parents were quite upset that they didn't know and there was much pouring of oil on troubled waters required. While I absolutely respect your right to have the wedding you want, I think having the party and announcing it when there was potential for family members to be upset (and presumably you had a bit of an idea they might react badly) was probably not the best plan/

MaryZed · 07/01/2012 20:00

Your mum and sister have succeeded in ruining your party which is such a shame Sad. I'm very glad you didn't give them the opportunity to ruin your wedding.

Don't let them ruin any more of your life. Don't give them head-space. An apology, by text, post or face-to-face won't get rid of what they have done.

Just move on. You know what they are like, step back (emotionally) and don't let them hurt you like this.

An apology won't make you feel better, but will let them justify their behaviour. Forgetting the whole thing (and pretending you don't give a shit whether or not they apologise) will probably upset your sister more.

Oakmaiden · 07/01/2012 20:02

Um - because we live in a society where it is considered a good thing when people think of the consequences their actions will have on other people? And where most of us try, within limits obviously, to not cause pain (emotional or real) to those we love and care about?

I don't have an issue (well - I do a bit, but less of an issue) with not having family at the wedding. I do think it was ... callous, actually... to not tell family until the party. It might have seemed like a good fun surprise to the op and her partner to spring it on people, but a little forewarning would have made it much easier for family to process...

discrete · 07/01/2012 20:03

You can't win. Unless you want to turn your wedding into a big show and balance all the competing claims for the spotlight, you are bound to offend people.

Fuck them. It's your wedding and your life.

IMO your only mistake was to tell them on the day and not a week later....

Yes they should be apologising, quite profusely and to your face.

Oakmaiden · 07/01/2012 20:04

The first part of that was in response to slowburner... obviously typing too slowly!

kiasport · 07/01/2012 20:06

I think, that if you have the kind of wedding that says "fuck you, it's my wedding, I'll do what I like" then you have no right to be pissed off at a reaction that also says "well fuck you too".

pictish · 07/01/2012 20:07

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NinkyNonker · 07/01/2012 20:09

That's the thing. By all means do what you want according to your wishes and feelings. However, others are entitled to their opinions and feelings too, and you (generic, not just OP) have to decide whether others' feelings matter or not. To me, they do. However the family are not unreasonable to e hurt. They were being a little unreasonable in how they responded, and they have apologised for that, but the hurt is understandable. The fact that their apology isn't grand enough for the OP is another matter, and a little diva-ish in my opinion.

ajandjjmum · 07/01/2012 20:09

Friends of our did the same - except their witnesses were two passing strangers.

When they made their announcement at the party, we were all thrilled, except their immediately families, who would have appreciated knowing before all and sundry. In hindsight, the happy couple felt that they could have done this, and apologised to their close family.

Congratulations on your marriage. Smile

DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 20:12

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Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 20:14

Ninkynonker, it's not about the apology being sincere, it's about it being genuine, which I don't believe it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 20:14

Am trying to reply to everyone but finding it hard on phone, will reply more fully when DS is in bed and I can get on laptop.

OP posts:
SiamoNellaMerda · 07/01/2012 20:16

I kind of agree with Pictish - I do think you've been a bit selfish and thoughtless and now you're the one acting all hurt and hard done to. Maybe one day when you have a daughter of your own and this gets done to you you might understand. It must have been a hell of a shock for your mum.

You going to tell me to fuck off too? {grin} - and that's at your snitty childish response to someone's opinion which is, after all, what you asked for.

kiasport · 07/01/2012 20:16

To me, the apology is a way of opening the lines of communication.

What have you done to open the lines of communication?

You are not going to get unanimous agreement on here that what you did was ok OP. If you can accept some lack of thought/tact/consideration on your part and sit down and talk to your mother then you just may get somewhere.

But I think you need to ask yourself why you are so angry? Can you understand why they were hurt by your actions?

Original poster
DizzyCow63 · 07/01/2012 20:17

For all who said about family being hurt, I fully accept this, and expected a conversation the following day were we talked everything through. As two grown adults I did expect them to be able to contain themselves for a few hours, maybe that was expecting too much.

And fwiw, it wasn't a massive party, aside from our family's, there were only approx 8 friends here, very very small gathering.

There are other issues with family behaviour etc which are too long to go into.

OP posts:
SiamoNellaMerda · 07/01/2012 20:19

You know - if you are suddenly and really hurt by something then it's not the easiest thing to keep it on a slow burner for a time more convenient to the person who has hurt you. You sound to me as though a little brush with reality might not do you any harm.

hocuspontas · 07/01/2012 20:20

When you saw that they were hurt would it have killed you to put your arms around them and apologise for not telling them? I would be devastated if one of my dds didn't think of at least giving me the heads-up before the party.

Oakmaiden · 07/01/2012 20:22

So you accept that your family were hurt? And that their actions sprang from their feelings of hurt?

So forget all this nonsense about needing a face to face apology, phone them, invite them both over for a drink and tell them you didn't realise how hurt they would be, and that you understand their reactions and accept their apologies.

Eglu · 07/01/2012 20:24

It's amazing how many posters seem to have missed

a. The OP had made it clear to all family members that they would be going off and getting married without family and friends there.

b. The Mother and Sister did not just find out with everyone else, they found out at the same time as the dh's sisters who are his closest family.

YANBU op, and congratulations. In this situation yes you probably do need a face to face apology, as you need to know they mean it.

kiasport · 07/01/2012 20:27

I haven't missed either of those things Eglu, and I stand by every word I said.

So they've always said they would do this at some point in the ten years they've been together. And? That makes it ok?

Also, If I was close to my brother I can't say I'd be wild in the SIL's position either.

MaryZed · 07/01/2012 20:27

But it won't be any more genuine if she does it in person, will it? It will just make her feel superior, so I would avoid letting her do it, if I were you.