To think that an apology by text/in a card isn't good enough

[DizzyCow63]

And if you have done something that really upsets people, you should at least pick up the phone or try to apologise in person?

Would like others opinions though, can't work out if I'm expecting too much.

Eglu, I actually shouted yes when I read your post! You have hit the nail on the head! It shouldn't have come totally out of the blue because they always knew it was our intention to get married this way, and indeed we had dropped this into conversation several times very recently.

Eglu - except that "When we get married we don't want a big fussy wedding and we will just do it all secretly" is one thing - "We got married today and didn't tell you" is different. I can understand the want to avoid the fuss, the expense and the lots of people - but I think it would be hard for a mother to understand why she wasn't even allowed to attend her daughter's wedding (which after all is a public event) and wasn't told it would be happening.

And your point b - yes, I think his sisters probably have the right to be a bit upset too.

But they are pissed off because of how you told them. You said that yourself.

Siamo I am all for people disagreeing with me, that's why I posted here, to get other opinions, if you read my post to Pictish it was the tone of her post that was completely unnecessary.

I'm going now.

Dizzy, I'm sorry, but I think this thread is a little belligerent - starting with an OP which doesn't even explain how you could possibly be in the wrong.

If you can feel something prickling the back of your mind - that's your conscience, ok. You hurt people to suit yourself. It's not the end of the world, but sometimes you just have to accept that you've hurt someone even if you didn't intend to. And then make amends.

It's called being an adult.

I hope you call your mother tomorrow.

Bye now.

If you didn't want all the fuss, why didn't you just arrange the whole thing then invite them on the day? Then everyone would have been happy.

Why didn't you just tell them you were having a private wedding ceremony to which no one was invited and then a party in the evening to celebrate?

Dizzy sometimes you apologise by degrees, you do it initially because you should and then as time goes by and you process what has happened and you mean it more.

I have to admit if I only found out when I got to a party to celebrate, I would be upset. The mother of a friend found out her dd was getting married through her gs, they wanted a quiet civil ceremony and so got married during their lunch hour and went back to work. Mrs P was devasted and hurt, she tried not to show it but it was a hurt that could not be taken back.

Frankly they have made the effort to extend an olive branch, accept it, move on and hope for better things in the future... and stop BU.

"It was probably a major thing to your mother and your sister that you got married without telling them, and that you did this with your "closest" friends. It is not nice to feel excluded, or to be lumped in with everyone and anyone as if you have no importance.

YNABU, but you did really bring it on yourself, and demanding public apologies is just going to make things worse in my view."

I agree. I can understand how hurt they must have been. You can tell me to F* off as well, but I think you are making far too big a deal of wanting them to grovel to you. I think you need to accept the apologies that were made and try to build bridges now. I accept that they behaved badly, but I feel sad that you vastly underestimated how important your getting married was to them. If you insist and leave it too long it will just get worse. Pride isn't a virtue you know.

Op, what reaction did DH's sisters have?

It seems also that there is history here, and quite a bit of it. In terms of causing cock ups, misunderstandings and general chaos at weddings mothers and mothers in law are often at the root of it. I hope to be invited to my daughters wedding one day, but if she chooses not to then that is HER choice.

Yellowraincoat, because I didn't want them there!

PattiMayor, because I believe, and DH agrees, that I mother had known she would have just turned up anyway. She can be very selfish and sneaky when it comes to getting what she wants.

YABU - if apology is sincere, it doesn't matter how it is delivered.

I'd accept the text apology and move on. You hurt them, they hurt you...life's too short for grudges and something like this could run and run so I'd just call it quits and move on.

Completely agree with Pictish, I can't believe you told her to fuck off, bloody rude!

Thing is, it is done now.

You have hurt them - their reaction has hurt you. No matter the whys and wherefores, or whether they SHOULD have been hurt or if their reactions are understandable or not, this is the situation.

If you can see that (and I think you can) then what is important is where you go from here.

You can make it clear to them that you didn't anticipate how hurt they would be, and that you understand their reactions, and that you know they are sorry and that you are too.

Or you can refuse to admit your part in the hurt that has happened, and make them do a face-to-face apology. This might make you feel better, but will in no way help to mend you relationship with them - because they have been hurt too, and you need to acknowledge that.

Really it is your call. It depends whether you really understand what has happened and want to rebuild your relationship with your mum and sister. Only you can decide that.

because I didn't want them there!

Ah - says it all really.

You did it that way because it is what YOU wanted, and nobody else mattered. Your mother didn't matter, your sister didn't matter - just you.

And you are suprised that they are upset?

Slowburner, DH's sisters were genuinely delighted, and have been wonderful ever since, couldn't have asked for more.

I wish people would read what I am saying. I have said upthread that people's responses are giving me food for thought. Nowhere have I said I want them to grovel, but as I said in my op, at least pick up the phone.

To the poster who said there is a history, there is, a massive one. A huge part of me wants to resolve this and if the overwhelming reaction is that iabu, then I will try to resolve this, but there is a niggle in the back of my head that this is the opportunity to cut contact, or at least dramatically reduce it. I am so confused.

Congratulations on your wedding and on having the wedding you wanted.

Regarding our expectations of others, sometimes the best we can get is an acknowledgement that maybe their behaviour wasn't quite what could be expected.

I think that traditionally a formal 'in writing' apology holds more weight than an in person apology. Spoken words are not the same as a written record.

I wonder whether actually it was quite dignified to give you the apology in writing and not invade your space if you are not ready?

If no in person contact has yet been made there hasn't yet been the chance to congratulate you or indeed apologise further.

How far do you want to push this? You are sad, your mum sounds as though she is sad. Is the fact that the apology (or their behaviour) wasn't what you'd hoped for enough to loose your relationship over?

I hope that this doesn't become such a major issue for you that it over shadows your memories of the important bits of your day.

You didn't want your mum at the wedding but you did want her at the party to celebrate your wedding afterwards?

YABU, they were hurt and although they behaved badly you can't expect them to just smile and be merry. They apologised and I suggest you do the same.

Oh and just because pictish doesn't sugarcoat her words it doesn't mean she isn't right.

I think the thing to remember is that just as no one has any right to tell you what kind of wedding you may have, you really cannot dictate how people may react, or tell them how to feel. Hurt feelings are valid feelings, you can't help them, it really doesn't matter how many times someone says 'I'm going to do this', if it is something that you think is hurtful, then you will be hurt.

There is also some ground between a massive fuss with bridesmaids, hats and God knows what, and telling no one except two friends and announcing the whole thing as a fait accompli in front of other people. In my opinion, that is a very thoughtless way to behave, and smacks of being completely oblivious to anyone else's feelings.

You could have had your wedding exactly as you wanted, then you could have gone round to your mum and sister, and your DH's sisters and told them what had happened and that you hoped they'd celebrate with you at your party. They'd have had time to adjust to your news.

It's easy to put a brave face on rejection (which is effectively what excluding them was) if you don't care about the people doing the rejecting or you don't know them very well and have a strong sense of being on your best behaviour however much you may be hurt.

They weren't important enough to even be told in a slightly more personal manner.
And now you're pushing them away again, when they are trying to offer the olive branch. They are showing they are prepared to move on, you aren't.

So are they important enough to want to continue to have a relationship with, or is the most important thing here that they have to be publicly embarrassed again, by having to grovel to you?

Don't get so tied up in being seen to be in the right, that you forget what really matters.

Oakmaiden, your first post makes alot of sense, thank you. In regard to your second, and this is meant as a genuine question, why should you have anyone at your wedding you don't want there, regardless of their relation to you? There are so many threads on mn about "oh x says I must invite y to my wedding" and the overwhelming response is always just have who you want, I know this is more extreme because it's my mum but due to various issues I honestly know I wouldn't have enjoyed any of it, it wasn't the cold-hearted, selfish decision your second post makes it sound.

I don't disagree with you about inviting who you wanted. But you could have told them personally after the event.

At the end of the day, they have apologised. Either you want to continue a relationship with them in which case you have to give a little too, or you don't want a relationship with them, in which case why the aggro? Just let it go.

Ninkynonker I think I am just still quite shocked and hurt and not really thinking logically. I still can't think about without crying.

Crying about what though? That they weren't thrilled you'd gotten married without telling them? What did you think their reaction would be?

It's more of an apology than you would have got from me in that position I can tell you. Having a fuck you wedding is all well and good if you're prepared to take the fall out. You're obviously not. You didn't even try to tell them gently but you expect them to tiptoe round you?