Should my friend's DH pick her up after work?

[totallyscunnered]

I think he should, she won't ask.

She finishes work at midnight. It's a mile walk home, along a partially lit country-ish road (fields on one side)

He has the car, she doesn't drive.

They have 2 DC's who are 13 and 11.

He doesn't want to leave the DC's in the house alone.

I think he should go and pick her up and not leave her walking home.

MN Jury, AIBU to think this?

would you even ask this question if it was a man that walking home a mile at midnight?

We want men to see us as their equal partners, sharing household chores and child rearing and yet as soon as it get dark some seam to want a man to come along and protect them from unknown and probably pretty no existant danger.

cantspel, good point

I would freak out if my DH had to walk a mile home in the dark after every shift, sorry. It's not about gender at all.

Criminals pick on people who are habitually alone in lonely places, that's a fact.

If my DP was coming home, late at night after working two jobs, knackered, and I knew he had loads of other crap going on in his life, and picking him up meant he could arrive home 15 minutes sooner and get into the house warm and dry, instead of cold and wet 15 minutes later, you can bet your bottom dollar I'd go out and pick him up

Not everyone doing something nice for a women (who after all happens to be their life partner) is patronising them or treating them like a child. Maybe they are doing an act of kindness because they love them

I lose track of all the times men are castigated on here for not helping / supporting / caring about their OH's. But this seems different. Here the woman is being prortayed as some weak, lily livered wimp for even suggesting her DH should help her. I just can't understand MN sometimes

oikopolis I dont want to live my life fearing criminals in every dark corner. I work lates so dont finish until 11. I drive but i still have a walk to where i park my car. Many of the others i work with will be walking home and a good few will be walking more than a mile. We dont need someone to hold our hands and neither does the ops friend.

It sounds like in this case at least there are a lot of other things the OP's partner could be doing to make her feel better. Like his share of the domestic work. And his share of the support to unwell family members. Which might be better than buying into the idea that women can't go out alone at night because they might get eaten by monsters.

Where did I say that SGB? I said she would be knackered cold and wet. I never said anything about fear, the dark, criminals or monsters. Don't put words in my mouth

And yes, it sounds like he should be doing other things as well

Curryspice my husband has never driven and yes i will on the odd occasion mainly if pouring with rain pick him up or drop him off but he as a adult is more than capable of getting himself home. Just because i am the driver doesn't mean i am a taxi service.

cantspel do whatever you like, but it's a risk, and the more you do it (i.e. the more of a routine it is) the more risky it gets.

If I had a car and had the means to fetch DH from wherever, why on EARTH would I bother taking that risk? It's not about hand holding at all.

If you don't have a car, fair enough, the risk has to be taken. But why take it when there is really no need whatsoever? silly imo. but hey, if others would prefer to take the risk in the interests of "not having their hands held", then more power to them

Yanbu to be concerned.

Could your friend get a bicycle and cycle home? It will be quicker and much safer, and less exhausting!

(I think that she should also learn to drive, and that her dh should pick her up if she is ill - I take it HE only has ONE job?)

oikopolis i have been working lates for over 10 years and just dont see it as the massive risk that you do.

If i felt at any risk i would rather look to taking self defence classes than limit when, where or how i conduct my everyday life.

i think it is a crying shame that people seem to limit their lives through fears that are one the whole unfounded.

That's the crux, cantspel. Completely unfounded fears

Curryspice: you're missing the point. The OP's friend's H is already useless but focussing on the idea that he's bad because he lets her be out of the house alone at night is buying into the idea that women are weak little things who shouldn't be let out alone.

I've been walking home from work at midnight for the past two years. Besides from one silly, drugged eejit telling me she would wait for me after work to "kick my teeth in" and acquiring an abandoned kitten nothing much has happened to me because of it.

I think you're trying to impose that on what the OP has said.

Nowhere has anyone said that women are weak little things who shouldn't be let out alone.

Several people have said that it's a shame she has to be cold, tired and wet when he has the means to prevent that.

You have interpreteted that as meaning people who hold that opinion think that women are weak little things who shouldn't be let out alone

Nothing could be further from the truth

IMHO you are missing the point when you try and make this some kind of feminist battle cry when, imho, it's about one human being helping another human being that they are supposed to love

But what's so arduous about walking a MILE?
And why are you assuming she will be cold, tired, and wet?

I walked three tonight , in the dark.I'm fat and unfit , but it wasn't too taxing . I got drenched. So what?

I have never viewed myself as a feminist so i dont see this as a feminist issue.

To do the odd pick up if puring with rain, not feeling well ect then yes it would be nice if the husband did pick her up. But she has been working this job for years and the husband shouldn't have to pick her up afer every shift just because it is midnight and a mile walk.

CurrySpice - it isn't necessarily a simple act of kindness.

A simple act of kindness would be doing it once or twice, but doing it every time your spouse works until midnight, day in, week out? No. That's a drudge.

Call me callous and heartless if you will - it doesn't bother me, because I know that my DH and I perform all sorts of other simple acts of kindness for each other.

As I say, even though I wouldn't do it for him (week in, week out), neither would I expect him to do it for me. Hell no. I woud feel bad for keeping him up and dragging him out. I woud feel bad because I know how pissed off I'd be if it were me doing it.

If I couldn't or wouldn't drive, I'd get on a bike - safer than walking, and much faster.

As an aside, I also think women are conditioned to be very, very afraid of the nameless, faceless beast who will attack them apropros of nothing in the dark, when walking alone - when actually women as a group face much greater danger on a daily basis within their own homes from men they know and love. I'm not recommending complacency, but making my way home down a mile's worth of road on a bike wouldn't bother me.

cantspel I never said it was a "massive" risk. I said it was a risk. You're right, it's a small one. But why bother taking it when you don't have to? Just seems stupid to me.

I grew up in an unusually violent community so maybe my views are skewed, but I live in a lovely safe area now... I still wouldn't do it... it's not about being ruled by fear, it's about having choices (choosing to have a car, choosing to fetch loved ones, etc) and having the power to choose which risks you wish to take and which you don't.

There's risk everywhere. You could step out in front of a bus in broad daylight. People get mugged and attacked during the day (watched the news lately?).

As far as the risk is concerned, you have to take responsibility for your personal safety. Hi-vis jacket, torch, mobile.

As far as her partner giving her a lift, perhaps she doesn't WANT to leave her 2 children alone, even for that short time. I would prefer to walk home by myself than have my DH leave the children to give me a lift.

For awhile, when DH had a leg injury that made it difficult for him to walk to work, I drove him to and from work five days a week (DH worked nights). It was dreadful. At the time, we just had one small child at home, but it was still aggravating. Mild annoyance in the warmer weather at having to go out at night with our DS and drive him in to work, then drive home, resettle DS to bed. But during the cold weather, it was absolutely MADDENING!! Having to warm up the car, scrape off the windscreen, defrost everything, drive in to his work with DS in his carseat upset because he had been warm and toasty in bed and was now cold in his carseat. Then driving home again and trying to resettle DS to bed, but he was much more awake due to the cold. The whole process took ages every night! And then, of course, I had to get up and warm up the car again and take DS to go pick up DH after his shift as well in the morning. I resented it, but tried so hard not to say anything or show it, and DH hated it because he knew it was not only a massive inconvenience but it cut into what little sleep I was getting and I was getting more and more exhausted.

Don't get me wrong, I love my DH. But this type of thing on a daily basis when there are other factors (children, other partner working and needing sleep), can be a HUGE pain. And that's not even adding in the additional cost of petrol, depending on the distance to and from work. Obviously in the OP's case, it's a mile each way. But again, if she is working a second job to make ends meet, then that small amount of money spent on petrol could be a problem as well.

Just out of interest how long does everyone think it should take to walk a mile. No marathon-beating bragging please, just a gentle stroll.

I used to do bus stop-to-home (just over a mile) in about 12 minutes when I was a teenager but probably take a bit longer now!

He should def pick her up!

Completely agree it's about doing something kind for your other half, it's only a 10 min round trip, hardly putting him out. And she's out WORKING fgs! Bad enough to work evenings and finish at midnight, think most people wouldn't like the idea of a walk after a long shift at work. 11 and 13 year olds are fine to leave for 10 mins - what exactly do you think is going to happen in 10 mins??

Jasper, it's hardly reaching to suggest that a person might be tired at midnight after working 2 jobs in a day, they might be cold when out at night in the middle of winter, and they might get wet given the climate we enjoy. Asking OP why she assumes her friend will be cold, tired and wet is a bit silly. It's going to be a pretty frequent occurence, unless the friend is able to nap at work/only needs 3 hours sleep a night/lives in a place that has different weather conditions to the rest of the country.

Pendeen, I think I heard somewhere that a healthy adult should be able to do it in 15-20 minutes without exerting themself too much. Obviously you can always power walk, and some people have longer legs than others.

I think you are kind and concerned. You've offered to give your friend a lift home. Leave it there, it is all you can say about that aspect of her life.

I agree that her strict walking routine may make her more vulnerable to attack. More importantly i feel your friend may need a listening ear especially regarding her relationship with her DH.

Does your friend want her DH to leave or want to save the relationship?

I think that is a more important issue.