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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my friend's DH pick her up after work?

199 replies

totallyscunnered · 06/01/2012 20:32

I think he should, she won't ask.

She finishes work at midnight. It's a mile walk home, along a partially lit country-ish road (fields on one side)

He has the car, she doesn't drive.

They have 2 DC's who are 13 and 11.

He doesn't want to leave the DC's in the house alone.

I think he should go and pick her up and not leave her walking home.

MN Jury, AIBU to think this?

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 07/01/2012 03:14

Things like this, though, I really think some women need to stop acting in this way. I get scared of stuff too, I hate being in the house alone, but I realise it's irrational. I doubt you'd get many men saying they were too scared to walk a mile home in the dark. Women need to stop infantilising themselves.

Original poster
totallyscunnered · 07/01/2012 06:11

I think I have already accepted IWBU

There are other issues than just her walking home. She sat in my car and cried because she is so tired and worn down. She has a ton of other issues to deal with and it just seemed to me that her husband could have picked her up for a few weeks and make it easier for her. But I accept its none of my business.

He doesn't want her to learn to drive.

She can't get a more "sensible" job as she already works a full time job in the day. This is her second job.

She does all the cooking and cleaning in the house. Her husband doesn't help. He also has alcohol issues and drinks himself to a stupor fairly regularly.

She is also an trying to cope with her elderly mother who has MS and her father has been in hospital and is just out and home. Both of them need a lot of care and she's struggling. She has two brothers but they aren't pulling their weight even though they both live locally the most of the caring and the practical washing/cooking is falling to her. Because she's the daughter.

As to moving to an area with a bus route, its a rural area. There are no night buses.

OP posts:
Original poster
totallyscunnered · 07/01/2012 06:19

Oh and for me its a "he's being a lazy unsupportive arse" issue, rather than she's so feeble or princessy that she shouldn't walk just because she's female.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 07/01/2012 06:28

If it were my dh or dw, I'd pick them up to help them out, if that's what they wanted. It's really not hard to do and as a gesture, it's a nice thing to do.

Plus I don't like the thought of anyone walking around alone late at night because I am a scardy cat.

WinkyWinkola · 07/01/2012 06:30

And is being afraid of the dark "infantalising"? I think it's an absolute natural instinct to be wary and cautious when one's senses are compromised.

cumbria81 · 07/01/2012 07:44

No, I don't think he should at all - in fact I think it's ludicrous. She is a grown woman. If it's a mile she can cycle it and it will take 5 mins. I am a single woman with no husband and no car. I manage OK.

SaraBellumHertz · 07/01/2012 08:00

I would be furious if my DH couldn't be bothered to pick me up despite knowing I was cold, tired and possibly scared whilst walking home at midnight.

FellatioNelson · 07/01/2012 08:04

There is a far greater likelihood of her coming to harm by walking alone at night than of the children coming to harm by being left in bed for 15 minutes.

MrsHoarder · 07/01/2012 08:08

"I would be furious if my DH couldn't be bothered to pick me up despite knowing I was cold, tired and possibly scared whilst walking home at midnight."

So would I. I would also be quite upset if DH was walking home in similar state feeling that he couldn't ask me for a lift (we only have one car, so only one of us can have it at once). We're a partnership, we look after each other and that means late night lifts if the other person requires it.

StealthPolarBear · 07/01/2012 08:15

well your last couple of posts make it clearer. He sounds delightful Hmm

working, as a car driver who got her lesssons from the bank of mum and dad, I agree with you Grin

yellowraincoat, not sure that's true. I used to walk back to PILs from the pub in the next village, about a mile, maybe a little more. The thing is it is pitch black, and because there aren't many cars , those there are tend to be going very fast, narrowly round the corners and not paying attention.

solidgoldbrass · 07/01/2012 08:33

Well there are obviously far more serious issues than her walking home. But has it not occurred to you that if her H is an alcoholic, she's still safer walking than having him collect her in a car when he's pissed?

StealthPolarBear · 07/01/2012 08:40

ooh that's a very good point.

FredFredGeorge · 07/01/2012 08:43

MrsHoarder I think the people who are saying it's unreasonable, are doing it because it's not a requirement to be routinely driven a mile, any time of day or night. On certain occasions, sure, but routinely no.

TroublesomeEx · 07/01/2012 08:46

Sounds to me like she has bigger problems than walking home alone at night.

She needs to sit down (if she ever gets a spare minute to do so) and honestly review what she has and what she wants.

He hardly sounds like a catch.

Dustinthewind · 07/01/2012 08:49

It sounds as if the walk home is only a symptom of far worse and more complicated issues in her relationship with her H. She needs to be thinking about what she can do to change things for the better, because living like that is not healthy or fair even for a short time.
All my family walk for extended periods of time, often in the dark, late night and after activities or work. If they want a lift, they ask. Sometimes I say no, with good reason. That's how healthy relationships work in my opinion.

Original poster
totallyscunnered · 07/01/2012 08:50

I did allude to the other issues up the thread - I agree he shouldn't be driving her home when he's pissed but if he had to pick her up, maybe he wouldn't get pissed?

As I said, I have accepted that IABU and I have no intention of saying anything to her, but I will continue to pick her up as much as I can. And try and be supportive to her in other ways like directing her to the Relationships board on MN

OP posts:
Dustinthewind · 07/01/2012 08:50

xposts, Folkgirl. Smile

QOD · 07/01/2012 08:51

Depends on the children, my dd is 13 and I couldn't leave her as she would be scared (they would have to know you were going in case of emergency - so they would know what to do) . . . But there are 2 of them which makes it much easier, safer. Do think it's a risk either way, to the kids and even more so to the mum. If she's following the same route every night

YusMilady · 07/01/2012 08:53

I'd be more worried about the kids being at home with someone who has drunk himself into a stupor, tbh.

Walking a mile in the dark is a red herring.

WinkyWinkola · 07/01/2012 09:01

Yes, if he's a pisshead, what good is he to look after the dcs anyway if there's an emergency?

Does he want to drink so that's why he won't pick up his other half?

Sounds like your friend has an awful lot on her plate, op.

Besides all that, I still don't get those who say she shouldn't be picked up - I mean, where's the instinct to help out someone who is weary? Why ever not?

WinkyWinkola · 07/01/2012 09:03

"I am a single woman with no husband and no car. I manage OK."

This is besides the point. It's not about whether you manage ok, it's about someone who should be kind enough to help not helping.

pigletmania · 07/01/2012 09:16

I think he should, especially if there is no other transport available. Or mabey half the week she gets a cab and the other half her dp collects her. I would not risk my life, not worth it.

pigletmania · 07/01/2012 09:17

The children are old enough, they are 11 and 13 not 1 and 3! They will be left only about 15 mins not the whole night fgs!

Original poster
totallyscunnered · 07/01/2012 09:20

If it was me, as I said, and it was my DP, as a matter of courtesy, because I care I'd pick him up. And he's a man, so it's nothing to do with her being a woman iyswim?

She's tired. She's got a helluva lot on her plate and this is just one small thing he could do (if he could be arsed) that would make her life a teeny bit easier.

But, I have accepted IABU and I will keep my nose firmly out and my mouth taped shut.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 07/01/2012 10:35

totallyscunnered

"Oh and for me its a "he's being a lazy unsupportive arse" issue"

Sorry but it sounds like you just don't like the man