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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my friend's DH pick her up after work?

199 replies

totallyscunnered · 06/01/2012 20:32

I think he should, she won't ask.

She finishes work at midnight. It's a mile walk home, along a partially lit country-ish road (fields on one side)

He has the car, she doesn't drive.

They have 2 DC's who are 13 and 11.

He doesn't want to leave the DC's in the house alone.

I think he should go and pick her up and not leave her walking home.

MN Jury, AIBU to think this?

OP posts:
SecretMinceRinser · 07/01/2012 11:28

OP your friend is an adult woman. You, as her friend, have every right to tell her you are concerned about her walking home alone and suggest she asks her husband to pick her up. She then has every right to say thankyou for your concern but I'd rather not ask him as I'm fine with walking (which she clearly is or would pay 2 quid to go the mile in a cab). And that is where the conversation should end.

Original poster
totallyscunnered · 07/01/2012 11:41

And, Secret, that is, just about (apart from me saying I will pick you up if you like when I can if I'm still awake and her saying that would be fantastic there's no need for you to do that I'm so grateful etc etc) where it ended.

Hence why I posted on here and didn't vent to her in RL Smile

OP posts:
SecretMinceRinser · 07/01/2012 11:46

Well it didn't did it? You went to get the Mumsnet 'verdict', you have told her you will collect her when you can, you have considered getting your bf to collect her, you have 'rollicked' her about driving lessons. This would be overbearing if you were her mum! Seriously you are probably a lovely and concerned friend but if you were my friend you would be treading a fine line between lovely and irritating. Your friend has made her decision so let it go!

Original poster
totallyscunnered · 07/01/2012 11:53

Well, she asked me what would I do about driving if I was her and I told her I'd have got lessons years ago and not listened to husband. And I told her if she really wanted to learn to drive she'd have to get off her bum and do something about it. (she's been complaining about not being able to drive for as long as I've known her)

As far as boyfriend, well I thought of getting him to go but in the end I went up for her last night.

The collecting her when I can, well yes I do, if I'm here, the kids are with their Dad and I'm still awake I jump in the car and go for her. Will have a re-think on that.

OP posts:
yellowraincoat · 07/01/2012 15:23

She should get a bike OP. Her husband sounds like an arse. Bike will get you home in 10 minutes easy.

For everyone who's saying it's dangerous to walk a mile home in the country: get a grip. OP said the road is partially lit, torches exist for a reason. Yes something COULD happen, something COULD happen anywhere. Why are people so obsessed with eliminating every single little risk from their lives? I'd say you're a lot more likely to come to harm walking a mile home in the city.

rookiemater · 07/01/2012 16:45

Was just about to post what yellowraincoat did. She should get a bike, less likely to be attacked and perfectly safe if the road is not busy.

If I was the DH I would collect her because I would be worried about my DW walking home at that time of night, however when the DCs were younger he wouldn't have had that option, so perhaps he doesn't think of it now they have grown a bit. However presumably he works normal hours and I would be tired if I had to stay up until midnight if working the next day.

working9while5 · 07/01/2012 17:15

Ironically, the greatest risk is probably from being hit by a car.

Driftwood999 · 07/01/2012 17:25

OP, I really feel for your friend, and I think you are a very good friend for her to have. I've read/scanned up to page 5, looking for the suggestion that her H is dependent on alcohol, and there it was. So he is selfish. A way needs to be found to suggest to him how helpful it would be to collect his wife. I will read on...

Driftwood999 · 07/01/2012 17:30

yanbu at all - he sounds a bully and very controlling. Your friend is suffering domestic abuse imo.

Shutupanddrive · 07/01/2012 17:42

Isn't there anyone at her work that could give her a lift home? I know I wouldn't mind going a mile out of my way, she could offer some petrol money which maybe wouldn't be as much as a taxi?

Jasper · 07/01/2012 17:44

Any healthy adult should walk a mile at any time of day or night assuming it's not a crime hotspot.
Why have we become so soft as to think otherwise? A mile is no distance at all

Original poster
totallyscunnered · 07/01/2012 17:59

shutup that's a good point, I hadn't thought of that. Blush

Jasper - it's not just about the distance. I feel sorry for her, she's having a hard time, she's knackered, working two jobs, kids, her parents are ill, it's not just about the walk of a mile.

OP posts:
elinorbellowed · 07/01/2012 18:00

Agree with Jasper. Of course there is nothing wrong with a mile long walk for a perfectly healthy adult. As a feminist I would be very annoyed if my partner insisted on picking me up every night. (obviously in appalling weather I would be ok about it.) I do it all the time. Last night in fact. It's good to incorporate exercise into your lifestyle.
It is far worse (environmentally speaking) to drive a car such a short distance and the sooner we stop short car journeys the better. And the risks of being hurt in a car accident are far far higher than those of being murdered in a country lane.

SaraBellumHertz · 07/01/2012 18:02

It's the risk of being hit by a car on a dark narrow lane that would bother me not being attacked.

FlangelinaBallerina · 07/01/2012 18:03

OP, if her husband is an alcoholic then she probably doesn't trust him to stay sober to pick her up. You can't always rely on them. There are a number of alcoholics in my extended family, and tbh I don't think any of them would regularly stay sober until midnight to pick someone up. Even if they ought to, they won't. OPs husband may well be the same- the thing about addicts is that you can't trust them not to succumb to their poison. So your friend is probably taking the safer option. It would be a good idea for her to get flourescent patches for her coat though, if she hasn't already. Especially if there's no pavement for her to walk on.

Jasper, surely it must be obvious that this isn't just about the distance. A mile in itself certainly isn't much, no. I used to walk two miles to work and two back, and had no problem with it, but that was in a well lit city area so isn't remotely comparable. I wouldn't personally fancy a mile walk at midnight after having worked two jobs in one day, in a poorly lit area. And that's speaking as someone who likes a nice walk.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/01/2012 18:03

Driftwood999

"yanbu at all - he sounds a bully and very controlling. Your friend is suffering domestic abuse imo."

and there it is.
maybe she should just leave the bastard:(

Jasper · 07/01/2012 18:06

Me too Sara , and when I walk home alone the mile or so from my best friend's house at all hours( once or twice a week ) along deserted country lanes I always jump well in to the grass verge whenever A car comes. It's actually very easy to do in the dark on account of the cars' headlights.

FlangelinaBallerina · 07/01/2012 18:15

Do country roads mostly have grass verges then? I live in the city so I'm no great expert, but all the ones I can think of have been a road with a fence or hedge on each side. I suppose you can jump in the hedge if it's low and pliable enough. Wouldn't fancy it if there were brambles though!

FlangelinaBallerina · 07/01/2012 18:15

Or sort of jump on the hedge, if you see what I mean. I don't know really, never tried!

solidgoldbrass · 07/01/2012 18:19

Oh, and whichever buckethead was whining about the risk of murderers in the bushes: two women a week are murdered in their homes by their husbands or partners. Statistically a woman is actually a lot safer roaming the streets at night.

AKMD · 07/01/2012 18:22

YANBU to be concerned about her and you're a lovely friend to drive her but in a normal relationship I would not expect my DH to come out late at night to drive me a mile, nor would I be happy about doing the same for him. A bike with lights or someone from work going the same way would be the best solution.

TapirBackRider · 07/01/2012 20:00

Just as a note - for those that are saying taxis are relatively cheap - I had to get a taxi home from work last week (1am); it was three miles and cost £10. On minimum wage, 4 nights a week, that is a lot of money.

WinkyWinkola · 08/01/2012 05:01

The woman is tired and could do with a lift.

I don't really see how that's got anything to do with being a feminist. Hmm

BertieBotts · 08/01/2012 08:48

But look - your posts from 7 Jan onwards tell a totally different story. If everything is fine and she's happy with the arrangement, then I don't see a problem with her walking home. When she's knackered and generally feeling crap then, yes, a lift would probably be appreciated, but it sounds as though their problems go much deeper than whether or not he gives her a lift. So it seems like what you're actually asking is "Is my friend's relationship crap?"

soandsosmummy · 08/01/2012 11:10

Wish people would stop saying X should get a driving lesson. I don't drive. People say it about me without knowing I'm epileptic and wouldn't be allowed to drive. I've even been called lazy or stupid for not learning before now. Think before you come up with these suggestions.

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