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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should my friend's DH pick her up after work?

199 replies

totallyscunnered · 06/01/2012 20:32

I think he should, she won't ask.

She finishes work at midnight. It's a mile walk home, along a partially lit country-ish road (fields on one side)

He has the car, she doesn't drive.

They have 2 DC's who are 13 and 11.

He doesn't want to leave the DC's in the house alone.

I think he should go and pick her up and not leave her walking home.

MN Jury, AIBU to think this?

OP posts:
Original poster
totallyscunnered · 06/01/2012 21:01

I pick her up when I can and tonight I'm planning to kick my boyfriend out of bed to get her but he doesn't know that yet but yes, at the end of the day it's not really my business and i'll keep my opinions to myself

OP posts:
FredFredGeorge · 06/01/2012 21:02

It's a 10-15 minute walk, I would not be too impressed if DW needed picking up for such a short journey. Safety doesn't really come into it from the description.

SecretMinceRinser · 06/01/2012 21:03

Why are people saying that her dh 'shouldn't let her' walk home??? Do we have to do what our husbands say or something. She's got a job so she can get a taxi if she wants to. Especially if it's raining/cold/she's ill/tired etc etc

SecretMinceRinser · 06/01/2012 21:05

Has your friend asked you to ask your bf to collect her because if not I would personally find that slightly weird if I'd told a friend I was fine walking.

SantasENormaSnob · 06/01/2012 21:05

Yabu

I wouldn't pick dh up at midnight 4 times per week.

Original poster
totallyscunnered · 06/01/2012 21:07

I probably won't send him because he'll be worn out by midnight

OP posts:
Spuddybean · 06/01/2012 21:08

I would expect DP to pick me up. I also don't drive. Driving lessons are very expensive so saying to someone on min wage why don't you learn to drive can be quite frustrating (i have never been able to afford £50 per week for lessons).

Also i presume he benefits from the money she's earning so may have something to say if she got taxis which ate into the wages. If that is the case then i do think he should pick her up.

There is no fucking way i would walk a mile in the cold and dark if DP was at home and could just nip out to get me.

eurochick · 06/01/2012 21:13

I think he's being unreasonable about not leaving the kids. But I also think that if she is not happy with the arrangement (and it's not clear to me whether she is or not) it's up to her to change it - driving lessons, bike, scooter, there are plenty of options. TBH, I'd probably take trainers and run it and be home in under 10 minutes!

squishysquashy · 06/01/2012 21:15

Walking home in the dark on a pavement in London doesn't bother me at all, I don't have much 'fear of crime'. I also feel getting picked up is very lazy (unless it is literally icy/snowy and difficult to walk or completely bucketing it down).

However, one of my old friends got knocked down and killed walking down a non-pavemented country road late at night so I wouldn't ever do that. Cars can fly around those roads, it's dark, they could be drink driving. My friend probably wouldn't have died if the bastards had stopped, they didn't, there was no-one around to phone an ambulance Sad

Lueji · 06/01/2012 21:16

Why won't she ask him?
It probably hasn't occurred to him, as it has been a long term thing.

HipHopOpotomus · 06/01/2012 21:18

I would cycle the mile. It would be a quick journey.

Morloth · 06/01/2012 21:20

I don't see how it is any of your business.

She is an adult, if she is unhappy about the arrangement then she needs to change it.

Don't send your boyfriend, that would freak me the fuck out and there would be no way I would get in his car.

My husband doesn't 'let' me do anything. If I say i will be fine he trusts my judgment. If I want a lift he gives it. This is between us. If a friend decided to insert themselves into our relationship because he was 'letting' me do something they deemed unsafe I would tell them to do one.

JustAnother · 06/01/2012 21:22

he must get up at about 7 to leave the house at 8:30. Picking her up 4 times a week would mean that he'd go to be so late, he would only get about 6 hours sleep. I think YABU.

Ragwort · 06/01/2012 21:25

I think her DH sounds very uncaring if he won't pick her up - it is totally reasonable to leave the two children in bed. Those of you who say she should get a taxi - it is obviously not easy to do that on a minimum wage. If my DH was out earning money for the family I would certainly go and pick him up at midnight. The fact that she won't ask him, and he doesn't offer, does make their relationship sound a little strained (to me) - are they otherwise happy?

Getting a free/cheap bike would be a good option - is this a possibility?

Actually I am quite shocked at the thought of a husband (or wife/partner etc) just falling asleep when his wife is walking home at midnight.

MarthasHarbour · 06/01/2012 21:27

i came on to say exactly what oikoplolis said

i hate to link to public stories but this was an example of someone who was walking home late at night, with tragic consequences - i would actually feel safer walking the streets of central london because it is so busy - walking a country road is frankly not safe.

And morloth and secret this isnt a feminism issue Hmm, it is about respecting the safety of our partner = DH wouldnt 'let' me walk alone that late and i wouldnt 'let' him do it either

OP - YANBU and it is very kind of you to go out and pick her up

JustAnother · 06/01/2012 21:28

Ragwort, so if your DP has been out for a drink or something, you wait up for him? I would never do that. If DH is out, I get an early night and sleep soundly. And he always walks back home.

Original poster
totallyscunnered · 06/01/2012 21:29

Like I said I didn't know she was doing it, I was coming home after a night out and saw her, stopped, she was walking home in the pissing rain, it was very late and she looked shattered.

I only do it on the nights it suits me Blush if my kids are here, I don't do it which is maybe a bit hypocritical

I haven't said anything to her about her husband not doing it, because that's not my business, but I just know if it was me I'd expect to be collected or do the collecting.

But I accept totally that it's up to them

OP posts:
Original poster
totallyscunnered · 06/01/2012 21:30

Ragwork - you hit the nail on the head. There are other issues, and she's struggling a bit.

OP posts:
pollyblue · 06/01/2012 21:40

I'm a bit suprised that a couple of posters inc OP say that a taxi isn't an option because it would be quite a chunk out of her earnings.....surely if she's married then her earnings and her husbands earnings are one family pot and her cab fares should come out of that?

I used to walk home regularly 3 miles after midnight from a pub job, partly through town and partly through more rural area - i found it unnerving at the time (was followed and threatened more than once) and wouldn't like to do it now. To be fair was quite a rough area, but even so.....can understand her DH not wanting to go out and midnight to collect her, but surely he would be happy for her to get a cab?

SecretMinceRinser · 06/01/2012 21:43

Martha you are being naive if you think most people would bat an eyelid at a man walking 15 mins after dark!
As tragic as any accident is you are far more likely to be hit by a car in the daytime when there are more cars about - that's not a reason not to go out in the daytime.

BertieBotts · 06/01/2012 21:43

I am lazy and ask DP to pick me up from town which is a 20 minute walk away Blush

I wouldn't mind walking and I don't think it's that unsafe, bit hysterical to say that it is, but I wouldn't want to be doing it in the freezing cold or if it was raining, so I'd want a lift then.

Morloth · 06/01/2012 21:45

We walk home late at night quite regularly. I wouldn't get out of bed at midnight and pick DH up if he hadn't asked and I wouldn't expect my friends to interfere like this either.

This is none of the OPs business.

BertieBotts · 06/01/2012 21:45

Martha, that story is eight years old, surely if it's so risky you could have found a more recent one?

jubilee10 · 06/01/2012 21:46

She could probably come to some arrangement with a local taxi firm and get a reduced rate for a regular booking.

MarthasHarbour · 06/01/2012 21:51

oh sorry bertie i will nip off and find a more recent murder for you then shall I? Hmm

actually it was 12 years ago - it immediately sprung to mind as it was very close to home at the time, just to highlight the risks of walking even a short distance after midnight

i am only giving an opinion just like the rest on the thread, but thank you for calling me naive secret Hmm Hmm

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