Pretty sure IWNBU - 2 friends declare IABU - DP huffed off and not speaking to me over my choice -

[WelcomeToDumpsville]

I was pretty sure I was not being unreasonable but now having spoken to 2 close friends who say I am - I'm now trying to wriggle off the hook by going for an appeal with the MN jury! nc in case they recognise me now!

Been seeing someone for almost 6 months now,early days, we're not living togther). We've had a couple of conversations about porn, lapdancing clubs, etc. we both work in an industry where it is still common for the men to take male clients out to Spearmint Rhino etc so in the context of that awful german news story we were both saying we wished they would clamp down on at that at work because removal of corp cc's has not done to much.

Anyway, he knows my views (ex porn user, read too much and learnt too much about the industry to continue wanking away to other people's misery etc) - I know his (he uses porn, I have no idea what, I have no interest in trying to lay down ultimatums, that's his choice just as I have mine,I don't think I'm anything fantastic but having used porn myself I know it doesn't have to be about betrayal and doesn't make me feel insecure so I treat it same as if one of my friends wasn't vegetarian and I was - choice of ethics)

Right so all that being said, am boxing up DVDs to donate to charity shop and he's laughing saying I'm trying to hide my porn stash from him (stupid joke, was just being silly). And I say oh I got rid of all that ages ago, he says well what do you use now? I say my imagination and my memories I suppose. So then he starts quizzing me on memories, what do I mean memories, and I said just that, you know great sex you've had in the past.

So then I can see he's getting huffy - and basically argument evolves he wants me to stop using memories of great sex I've had because this is a betrayal and means I am thinking about having sex with other people (even if i never intend on having sex with any of them EVER again!). His view is that porn is anonymous (he doesn't have any favourite pornstars apparently - he just looks for latest photos/movie clips on websites) and therefore it is obvious it is not a betrayal but that I am directly comparing him to other men I have actually had sex with in my head. I said there's no comparing, its just remembering but no, major sulk, why can't I use porn like I used to? (not as if that's going to delete my memories but by then i couldn't really point that out because not helpful).

so my thinking is that he's a great big twat who wants to attempt to police my thoughts (and my wanking habits) in a way in which I don't want to do to him despite my own objections to porn. He huffed off (didnt stay over as planned) and no contact today.

Met friends for lunch and had a moan/vent and apparently i AM the unreasonable one in all of this because I have hurt his ego apparently. WTAF? Am I REALLY the unreasonable one in all of this? I just can't see it.

(ps. You know I'm going to be the kind of OP that clings desperately to the one person who says IANBU don't you!)

you don't have to get it, nothinggoldcanstay

that's the point

you use what does it for you, the rest of us will mind our own business

^His ego must be pandered to at all costs, but her's doesn't matter?? Sweet Jesus.
Some utterly deluded people posting on this thread and it's NOT the OP.^

No, the only deluded people here are those frothing about what he "should" do when he has clearly shown what he will do. Anything else is utopian theory wankery.

If the OP wants him, she plays his game. If she doesn't, she doesn't.

Sorted.

nothingoldcanstay, the libido is a weird thing. I learnt that from Jilly Cooper novels.

If this bloke wants OP, he plays her game. If he doesn't, he doesn't.

Stalemate

The best thing would not to ask such stupid questions in the first place, but mostly not to throw a hissy fit if you don't like the answer

Absolutely what AF said.

If he was secure in his sexuality, he'd just accept it or, even, get turned on by it.

OP - presumably he doesnt lie to protect your feelings about porn because he knows you used to use it and because he wouldn't mind if you continued to use it (that is what it sounds like anyway). He also finds your memories of real sex with people more threatening than any imagined sex with people you see in photos who you will never meet.

You can argue with his position but I don't think that it is that unusual, most of us just don't dwell on what goes on in our partners heads when we have sex. Because of the way tour conversation went he has had to confront something that we might all know to be true but would rather not think about. He has also over reacted, but people do that sometimes, especially if they are unsure of themselves or in the early stages of a relationship. There is a tendency for some people on MN to react to any sign of weakness or irrationality with Jeremy Kyle style screaming of "dump the fucker". If DW and I did that the first time one of us had over reacted we wouldn't have made it past our first month together.

OP - presumably he doesnt lie to protect your feelings about porn because he knows you used to use it and because he wouldn't mind if you continued to use it (that is what it sounds like anyway). He also finds your memories of real sex with people more threatening than any imagined sex with people you see in photos who you will never meet.

You can argue with his position but I don't think that it is that unusual, most of us just don't dwell on what goes on in our partners heads when we have sex. Because of the way tour conversation went he has had to confront something that we might all know to be true but would rather not think about. He has also over reacted, but people do that sometimes, especially if they are unsure of themselves or in the early stages of a relationship. There is a tendency for some people on MN to react to any sign of weakness or irrationality with Jeremy Kyle style screaming of "dump the fucker". If DW and I did that the first time one of us had over reacted we wouldn't have made it past our first month together.

am too old and decrepit for games - stalemate it is - ill keep my memories he can keep his porn

will work out how to smooth things over with 2nd friend tomorrow - wine will help me think later after dc bedtime god what a weird day

Sorry, repeating myself. Getting old.

Whatmeworry - come and join us here in the 21st century. It's quite nice here on the whole. :)

What rock do you live under that male egos need to be pandered to, but not female? That male games need to be played, but not female?

Your responses on this thread are getting a bit cringe-worthy. Just saying.

If this bloke wants OP, he plays her game. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Stalemate

Depends on who is more desperate keen.

I'll bet money he will be back in a few days, being vaguely apologetic-but-not-really, then it will be the OP's choice on what to do with him.

I agree with you there, WMW

when this bloke realises he has been a massive pillock, he will come back saying he "didn't mean it"

well, of course he did

people's first reactions often tell you the true person inside

or to polish a good ole MN saying "when someone tells you who they are, be sure to listen"

OP would be savvy to remember how he tried to apply his own force of will onto her, whilst being completely clueless about how it might appear

i don't get why you have to apologise to your friend????

look love, i am not sure why you would need to apologise to your friend for metaphorically holding up a mirror to her own crappy relationship

Oh hun!! After my marriage ended I dated a chap who had only had 2 partners to my, well, more than 2! He was insanely jealous of my experience - if we tried something different or I suggested trying something,he would then think about it afterwards and get all moody saying he didnt like to think of me being with anyone else or me doing what I did to him to anyone else - so I asked him if he would like me just to lay back and think of Britain while he fumbled in the dark then?!

He didnt last long lol

Whatmeworry - come and join us here in the 21st century. It's quite nice here on the whole. What rock do you live under that male egos need to be pandered to, but not female? That male games need to be played, but not female?

The ego that will be pandered to is the less keen one, it is true in the 21st century, was true 20 centuries ago, will be 20 centuries hence. To think otherwise is really sitting under a rock.

Your responses on this thread are getting a bit cringe-worthy. Just saying.

Hey, if arguing for tact and seeing the world as it really is is cringe-worthy, then I predict a life of continual mysterious disappointment for the non-cringers. .

Did anyone find out what HRTFT meant?

HRTFT... He Really Takesthe Fucking biscuiT?

"Hey, if arguing for tact and seeing the world as it really is is cringe-worthy, then I predict a life of continual mysterious disappointment for the non-cringers."

And yet, oddly, it's not.

Go figure.

But tell yourself whatever you need to, in order to normalise (at best) questionable behaviour.

Oooh, Flanelle...could be!

Och well,that went well NOT -he did phone,conversation did not go well. Am very glad i posted though because was much clearer in how i felt after a long bath & some wine (inbetweeners poised!) and rereading the thread.

Long & short of it is,he thinks that ofc i would not be offended by him watching porn,that's normal!He has never met these women,he has seen webcam sex "a few times" but not really his thing apparently, but that's different awnyway because it is 'virtual' so not cheating.I am abnormal, however,in his view and its kind of along the lines of a poster upthread who was saying if she remembered past sex it would remidn her of bad relationships or something like that(ie make her sad about how it ended?) so he couldn't see why i would want to.I tried to explain about it being faceless and more along the lines of it being about the experience and remembering the feelings but again,i was obv blundering and tactless because this made him upset (at which i got a bit impatient because i couldn't get what he was saying and he couldn't get what i was saying but he was still maintaining he felt 'betrayed' and he couldn't trust me in future because i might want to have sex with these ppl again).So i called time and said probably for the best if we part ways. He's got some stuff here I will be able to post through his door(books cds tshirts etc), he wanted to meet up to exchange stuff but not too fussed about some old toiletries of mine so can get his stuff back to him without having to see him again.UGH heavy shit.

Now not so sure i can face juvenile delinquents on summer holidays after that dammit.

Well done - if anything, his response should cement that you're doing the right thing. To call your perfectly legitimate fantasies 'abnormal' is horrible. Have another drink and celebrate your new-found freedom!

Thank you - don't feel too celebratory.Just mystified. I don't really get angry as such (ppl take piss out of how laid back i am mostly) but actually am now seething esp re the webcam stuff.I wouldn't have thought to ask before but that came up at lunch.Lucky escape. Think i will post an extra book through his door for free.He won't read it but i didn't really get to say what i wanted because i felt it was pointless quite early o nbecause he was obv still very much of same view as last night.

Oh yuck, I know breakups always suck but in the end you are much better away from him. Abnormal indeed!

Enjoy the wine, count your blessings, and look forward to finding someone who (shocker!) doesn't use porn at all.

ah

you dodged a bullet there, mate

seriously

onward and upward !