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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pretty sure IWNBU - 2 friends declare IABU - DP huffed off and not speaking to me over my choice -

239 replies

WelcomeToDumpsville · 04/01/2012 14:23

I was pretty sure I was not being unreasonable but now having spoken to 2 close friends who say I am - I'm now trying to wriggle off the hook by going for an appeal with the MN jury! nc in case they recognise me now!

Been seeing someone for almost 6 months now,early days, we're not living togther). We've had a couple of conversations about porn, lapdancing clubs, etc. we both work in an industry where it is still common for the men to take male clients out to Spearmint Rhino etc so in the context of that awful german news story we were both saying we wished they would clamp down on at that at work because removal of corp cc's has not done to much.

Anyway, he knows my views (ex porn user, read too much and learnt too much about the industry to continue wanking away to other people's misery etc) - I know his (he uses porn, I have no idea what, I have no interest in trying to lay down ultimatums, that's his choice just as I have mine,I don't think I'm anything fantastic but having used porn myself I know it doesn't have to be about betrayal and doesn't make me feel insecure so I treat it same as if one of my friends wasn't vegetarian and I was - choice of ethics)

Right so all that being said, am boxing up DVDs to donate to charity shop and he's laughing saying I'm trying to hide my porn stash from him (stupid joke, was just being silly). And I say oh I got rid of all that ages ago, he says well what do you use now? I say my imagination and my memories I suppose. So then he starts quizzing me on memories, what do I mean memories, and I said just that, you know great sex you've had in the past.

So then I can see he's getting huffy - and basically argument evolves he wants me to stop using memories of great sex I've had because this is a betrayal and means I am thinking about having sex with other people (even if i never intend on having sex with any of them EVER again!). His view is that porn is anonymous (he doesn't have any favourite pornstars apparently - he just looks for latest photos/movie clips on websites) and therefore it is obvious it is not a betrayal but that I am directly comparing him to other men I have actually had sex with in my head. I said there's no comparing, its just remembering but no, major sulk, why can't I use porn like I used to? (not as if that's going to delete my memories but by then i couldn't really point that out because not helpful).

so my thinking is that he's a great big twat who wants to attempt to police my thoughts (and my wanking habits) in a way in which I don't want to do to him despite my own objections to porn. He huffed off (didnt stay over as planned) and no contact today.

Met friends for lunch and had a moan/vent and apparently i AM the unreasonable one in all of this because I have hurt his ego apparently. WTAF? Am I REALLY the unreasonable one in all of this? I just can't see it.

(ps. You know I'm going to be the kind of OP that clings desperately to the one person who says IANBU don't you!)

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 04/01/2012 16:13

I think he is utterly unreasonable for badgering you to tell him what you think about when wanking and not letting you not tell him, then getting in a strop when he doesn't like the answer.

Very very dangerous to ask people questions like this (how many people have you slept with, what is the most outrageous thing you've ever done in bed, what are your fantasies etc) if you are not prepared to deal with whatever the answers are.

So YANBU.

rhondajean · 04/01/2012 16:13

Righteous not rite outs. Hate autocorrect.

SardineQueen · 04/01/2012 16:13

There was a thread about that German thing at the time, fucking outrageous.

Original poster
WelcomeToDumpsville · 04/01/2012 16:15

whatme - oh how depressing if you're right - what do you think they think their gfs/wives etc wank to then? or do you think the majority ofmen dont think their gfs/wives ever wank?After this i will have to learn to not be honest really won't I then?

OP posts:
ShirleyKnottage · 04/01/2012 16:16

Oh YES, YES, YES! SardineQueen - the dreaded "how many sexual partners have you had?"

Hmm

"Dunno" is my favourite answer to that question followed by "laters!"

ShirleyKnot is still single

WorraLiberty · 04/01/2012 16:21

well, you must have been there if you remember it so well, WL

Well yes, hence me mentioning it AF.

SardineQueen · 04/01/2012 16:21

Teehee at "yes Yes YES" from shirley. I'm glad it was good for you Grin

Original poster
WelcomeToDumpsville · 04/01/2012 16:23

yep sardinequeen & shirley- my xDP (DCs father) was sensible on that score - i was nosy enough to ask and know his but he never ever asked back(all way back at the start of relationship years ago)- i'm just being dense i think by assuming that if someone asks that kind of question they actually want an answer (even if they won't let you not answer by keeping on asking) why ask otherwise - there's plenty of stuff id rather not know so don't ask about

OP posts:
ShirleyKnottage · 04/01/2012 16:25

Course you can Welcome. Ah screw it - he's no loss, I guarantee that in another 6 months he'd have been criticising your taste in clothes and switching over the TV when Johnny Dep came on.

SardineQueen · 04/01/2012 16:25

I am very honest too and would have trouble lying if put on the spot like that. Decent man wouldn't put you on the spot like that in the first place.

Nesbo · 04/01/2012 16:26

I do love the way that when women comes on here upset about some comment their partner has made it is invariably because he is an insensitive twunt who had no consideration for her perfectly valid feelings.

Whenever there is any mention of a man being upset over a comment it seems to be because he has a fragile ego and fuck him if he thinks you should pander to it! I guess it still holds true that it is "unmanly" for a guy to be upset over stuff like this.

Anyway, nothing wrong with wanking over whatever you want but if I made a comment like that to my wife I would expect her to be pretty upset. There his such a thing as tact!

Casmama · 04/01/2012 16:27

I think it is a matter of don't ask the question if you are not prepared for the answer. He should never have asked, and kept asking.
I think if he comes back and apologies to you then I would maybe give him another chance but I'm glad that you are not going after him

ShirleyKnottage · 04/01/2012 16:28

That's what happens on a predominantly female site Nesbo! A bit like the sort of bias towards women being a bit fluffy and silly total bitches that happens on sites dominated by men.

Cor, I dunno - how weird!

scarletforya · 04/01/2012 16:30

I agree with you Nesbo. Double standards.

OP, I think you were unwise to admit to what you wank over. No good can ever come of those conversations. Certain things you should keep to yourself !

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 04/01/2012 16:33

Surely some things don't need to be said and can be ones own private thoughts..?

Original poster
WelcomeToDumpsville · 04/01/2012 16:33

but if she kept asking you nesbo? I didnt make a comment, i was asked a question and (unthinkingly) replied honestly (although i do think honesty is best but can see tact too) and then was asked and asked?

OP posts:
warthog · 04/01/2012 16:34

yanbu at all.

ShirleyKnottage · 04/01/2012 16:35

And actually I think that's pretty unfair. If the OP had said she'd asked the question about her DP not using porn, then followed it up with a jokey "sure you haven't got any porn" and then "what DO you think about then?" and was told that he used his imagination, past experiences etc and she'd thrown a wobbler - she'd have been given short shrift too.

so. y'know gonna have to throw a Hmm face at all the "Double standards" boring bollocks. Grin

Nesbo · 04/01/2012 16:39

But it is a bit like the proverbial "do I look fat in this?" question. Part of the art of maintaining a relationship is negotiating around tricky points - use distraction if necessary (try faking a heart attack). The point is there are some things I know should always be avoided, and I don't consider that "pandering to my wife's fragile ego", it is just because she is human and we try to bolster each other up when we can!

Whatmeworry · 04/01/2012 16:42

I think tact is waaay under-rated as a relationship skill.....

ShirleyKnottage · 04/01/2012 16:42

Do you feel the need to know exactly what runs through your wife's mind when she is masturbating Nesbo?

doggiesayswoof · 04/01/2012 16:43

"there are some things I know should always be avoided"

Yes indeed - for example, asking your partner repeatedly what he/she likes to wank over.

dreamingbohemian · 04/01/2012 16:44

AF -- for your amusement Wink

www.seacaptaindate.com/browse.html

Actually I'm not sure it's even real. I'd like to think it was though. All those lonely old men of the sea...

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 04/01/2012 16:44

scarlet he wouldn't let her "keep it to herself"

he kept badgering

was she supposed to lie to shut him up...say "yes dear, I do really love porn after all, you were right and I am wrong, so it's ok for you to use it too"

that is what he wanted her to say

Original poster
WelcomeToDumpsville · 04/01/2012 16:44

so he should not have spoken about his porn use either then surely and lied to me to save my ego?As it happened my ego didnt need saving but why do i only have to be the tactful one!Grrrrr!

OP posts: