Pretty sure IWNBU - 2 friends declare IABU - DP huffed off and not speaking to me over my choice -

[WelcomeToDumpsville]

I was pretty sure I was not being unreasonable but now having spoken to 2 close friends who say I am - I'm now trying to wriggle off the hook by going for an appeal with the MN jury! nc in case they recognise me now!

Been seeing someone for almost 6 months now,early days, we're not living togther). We've had a couple of conversations about porn, lapdancing clubs, etc. we both work in an industry where it is still common for the men to take male clients out to Spearmint Rhino etc so in the context of that awful german news story we were both saying we wished they would clamp down on at that at work because removal of corp cc's has not done to much.

Anyway, he knows my views (ex porn user, read too much and learnt too much about the industry to continue wanking away to other people's misery etc) - I know his (he uses porn, I have no idea what, I have no interest in trying to lay down ultimatums, that's his choice just as I have mine,I don't think I'm anything fantastic but having used porn myself I know it doesn't have to be about betrayal and doesn't make me feel insecure so I treat it same as if one of my friends wasn't vegetarian and I was - choice of ethics)

Right so all that being said, am boxing up DVDs to donate to charity shop and he's laughing saying I'm trying to hide my porn stash from him (stupid joke, was just being silly). And I say oh I got rid of all that ages ago, he says well what do you use now? I say my imagination and my memories I suppose. So then he starts quizzing me on memories, what do I mean memories, and I said just that, you know great sex you've had in the past.

So then I can see he's getting huffy - and basically argument evolves he wants me to stop using memories of great sex I've had because this is a betrayal and means I am thinking about having sex with other people (even if i never intend on having sex with any of them EVER again!). His view is that porn is anonymous (he doesn't have any favourite pornstars apparently - he just looks for latest photos/movie clips on websites) and therefore it is obvious it is not a betrayal but that I am directly comparing him to other men I have actually had sex with in my head. I said there's no comparing, its just remembering but no, major sulk, why can't I use porn like I used to? (not as if that's going to delete my memories but by then i couldn't really point that out because not helpful).

so my thinking is that he's a great big twat who wants to attempt to police my thoughts (and my wanking habits) in a way in which I don't want to do to him despite my own objections to porn. He huffed off (didnt stay over as planned) and no contact today.

Met friends for lunch and had a moan/vent and apparently i AM the unreasonable one in all of this because I have hurt his ego apparently. WTAF? Am I REALLY the unreasonable one in all of this? I just can't see it.

(ps. You know I'm going to be the kind of OP that clings desperately to the one person who says IANBU don't you!)

Cherriesarelovely, OP is NOT, repeat NOT, thinking of exes when having sex. The 'when' is when she is masturbating, alone, without her partner being there. And what she is thinking about is NOT, repeat NOT, her exes, but "great sex you've had in the past" - "kind of faceless because youre not thinking of who is in the memory its what they/you are doing".

OP, I think YANBU and are well shot of him.

So why do people hear "memories of good experiences" and think it's a reference to Algernon in the shrubberies, in 1999, anyway? I heard "memories" and assumed you'd be thinking about how particular activities themselves have felt, not Algernon, or even Ernest.

Well rid. Was shocked when I read this thread that people would say otherwise!

Surely if you ask someone what they're thinking of whilst masturbating, and push and push them to say, you have no right to get offended at the answer?

And he uses porn too! What a hypocrite. Honestly, you have had a lucky escape. Who thinks it is reasonable to police someone elses' thoughts?

your imagination, none of his fucking business.

It would probably have been better to have refused to answer his question but frankly he sounds an entitled twat so would probably have huffed anyway

I'm still boggling over here in the cheap seats by all the usual Stepfords telling you that you should still be pandering to his ludicrous ego.

Why am I not surprised that on MN, suggesting the use of tact is labelled "Stepford" and pandering to egos.

Makes you wonder if some of this advice is something some posters would use themselves?
Tact and diplomacy is part and parcel of every relationship not just an intimate one.
Social skills don't mean anything when a bunfight is in the offing.
OP..ask your milkman or post worker you'll get better advice.

Well he's just made sure that he is never going to feature in your future fantasies. Don't be surprised is he keeps on at you for a while as he clearly thinks he has every right to tell you how you can think.

He's really tripped himself up here, he wanted to invade your space and has actually revealed far more about himself. Arse.

neshnosher - I would have said that it was none of his bloody business. And if he'd gone on and on at me, I probably would have said what the OP said. Why should she be tactful when he is demanding to know and dictate her private fantasies?

Anyone who was tactful and diplomatic wouldn't ask in the first place, surely?

How is "my imagination and memories" not diplomatic? It's bleedin' obvious. You imagine sex, and you remember what it did feel like.

What do you have to say? "I meditate and clear my mind of everything except you, darling", perhaps?

Thing is he sounds so much like my ex (mentioned in previous post) that I know in the same circumstances my ex would have battled for me to tell him exactly what I was imagining. Trying to side step it would have escalated it or at best set him off on a "huh ya won't tell me cos its your exs your dreaming about "etc etc etc and accuse me of ridiculous things. Its clever and manipulative bullying behaviour.
My ex once kept slapping me across the face until I agreed (in fear) with him that my friend was a "whore"
Guess what he did then ..... beat me up for having a whore as a friend.
OP is well out of this relationship. Guys that try and control your thinking are experts at making you feel responsible for all the bad things .

PS.... this was in the 90s ...I am a much stronger person now and my husband is tops!(and very lucky to have me

ChristinedePizan
Well said and agreed, diplomacy would dictate that he didnt ask in the first bloody place

Tact works both ways though doesn't it, so a few posters (perhaps myself) were talking about general tact? Ie., her now ex, was stupid to ask. But the OP should have known from the line of questioning that it was approaching a dodgy area of discussion...

Have to say though, saying even 'memories' to a partner IS saying that you think of past lovers. Even if its the sex you think about and not the person. I can't separate the great sex I had circa 1992 from the absolute knobhead who was also involved, not in a memory anyway.

The op's ex is obviously an arse, and she is well shot, but I still think the ONLY answer to give to someone who's quizzing you, if the answer is likely to make the other feel emotionally wobbly is a simple "None of your business, its private".

I don't use porn, I don't feel the need for it and tbh it doesn't little for me, I end up putting my specs on an wondering where the person in the clip got their shoes. I'm pretty sure DH has some porn on his pc, but its in some file that can't be found easily by curious children. I have no idea if he wanks to it, or which is his favourite clip and I don't need to know.

fit2drop I am very glad you are away from that piece of shit that is your ex

Oh OPs (now) ex is definitely a wanker! and I don't mean of the watching porn kind either