Pretty sure IWNBU - 2 friends declare IABU - DP huffed off and not speaking to me over my choice -

[WelcomeToDumpsville]

I was pretty sure I was not being unreasonable but now having spoken to 2 close friends who say I am - I'm now trying to wriggle off the hook by going for an appeal with the MN jury! nc in case they recognise me now!

Been seeing someone for almost 6 months now,early days, we're not living togther). We've had a couple of conversations about porn, lapdancing clubs, etc. we both work in an industry where it is still common for the men to take male clients out to Spearmint Rhino etc so in the context of that awful german news story we were both saying we wished they would clamp down on at that at work because removal of corp cc's has not done to much.

Anyway, he knows my views (ex porn user, read too much and learnt too much about the industry to continue wanking away to other people's misery etc) - I know his (he uses porn, I have no idea what, I have no interest in trying to lay down ultimatums, that's his choice just as I have mine,I don't think I'm anything fantastic but having used porn myself I know it doesn't have to be about betrayal and doesn't make me feel insecure so I treat it same as if one of my friends wasn't vegetarian and I was - choice of ethics)

Right so all that being said, am boxing up DVDs to donate to charity shop and he's laughing saying I'm trying to hide my porn stash from him (stupid joke, was just being silly). And I say oh I got rid of all that ages ago, he says well what do you use now? I say my imagination and my memories I suppose. So then he starts quizzing me on memories, what do I mean memories, and I said just that, you know great sex you've had in the past.

So then I can see he's getting huffy - and basically argument evolves he wants me to stop using memories of great sex I've had because this is a betrayal and means I am thinking about having sex with other people (even if i never intend on having sex with any of them EVER again!). His view is that porn is anonymous (he doesn't have any favourite pornstars apparently - he just looks for latest photos/movie clips on websites) and therefore it is obvious it is not a betrayal but that I am directly comparing him to other men I have actually had sex with in my head. I said there's no comparing, its just remembering but no, major sulk, why can't I use porn like I used to? (not as if that's going to delete my memories but by then i couldn't really point that out because not helpful).

so my thinking is that he's a great big twat who wants to attempt to police my thoughts (and my wanking habits) in a way in which I don't want to do to him despite my own objections to porn. He huffed off (didnt stay over as planned) and no contact today.

Met friends for lunch and had a moan/vent and apparently i AM the unreasonable one in all of this because I have hurt his ego apparently. WTAF? Am I REALLY the unreasonable one in all of this? I just can't see it.

(ps. You know I'm going to be the kind of OP that clings desperately to the one person who says IANBU don't you!)

Doesn't that rather depend on context? Between a sexually active loving couple it could be a way into exploring each other's turn on's. I don't think you can judge by words on a screen.

That's fine though Nesbo in that context but the OP wasn't - her partner was asking her what she wanked to if it wasn't porn - not the same at all really

The OP was boxing up DVD's to take to a charity shop nesbo. I've no idea if subdued lighting, candles or Bazzer White playing on the stereo were involved but I'd say that it's likely it wasn't the right environment for that kind of 'discussion'.

so nesbo, you "explore each other's turn-ons" but throw a hissy fit if you don't approve of what you hear

ok

his "turn-ons" are porn

OP has already said "live and let live" even though she doesn't like it herself...she didn't throw a strop and start getting "shouty" then go non-contact

why are you not advocating he should do the same ?

Again, I don't know. He may have thought that she would just say she uses her imagination, and that may have led to a discussion about what she imagined and then who knows where it would have led. If so perhaps he got a bit of a shock when she said "memories" as well, and then fixated on that until it escalated into an argument as these things sometimes do.

I just don't know what was in his head, or how it actually played out. I'm not sure any of us do (even the op can only guess what was in his head and she was there!).

YANBU. If you don't want to know the answer, don't ask the question IMO.

I'd get rid, as he's behaved like a nob but also because he lacks imagination... what the hell does he think anyone wanks to if they don't use porn? Imagination and memories is pretty obvious isn't it? They feed off each other don't they?

Is he as shite in bed as his porn use and lack of imagination suggest he would be op?

I think if he was stupid enough to ask what you use for "wank fodder" then he needs to be grown up to live with the answer. YANBU.

No youre right Nesbo i cannto work out what the difference is in terms of 'betrayal' between him wanking to porn and me wanking to memories? What is it that is so offensive or liable to hurt someone when using porn isn't?I dont believe he is using webcam porn (dont know tbh and havent asked)but the ppl he is wanking to are REAL ppl and the memories I have are with REAL ppl - so what is the difference?He defintely viewed my wank fodder as a betrayal yet his is not - why is that?Can you shed any manly light on that pls?

I do think your'e right though and Dharma made me realise earlier that why it all turned so strnage so quickly was not only because I gave an honest answer I think he was also expecting a complimentary to him answer iyswim?LIke oh i think only of you dear and i completely missed the cue - thats what I am thinking now anyway, reading back over posts here.

Can only guess for now obv no contact, 2nd (not married) friend has sent me conciliatory txt but has also said 1st friend a bit upset now so even if i don't have to apologise to blokey looks like i've said too much to friends too! GAH.

YANBU

"In my opinion he is being ureasonable in the extreme. Your head, your memories, your masturbation. Not using the exploitation of others to fuel your pleasure, unlike him."

This ^^ A thousand times this.

Although there is a hell of a lot of wanking in your relationship!

"In my opinion he is being ureasonable in the extreme. Your head, your memories, your masturbation. "

True but learn some tact in the future.

No one's shite in bed with me balls i can make anyone look good with a bit of encouragement!

(dropping the bravado for a bit) - no he genuinely wasn't crap i nbed - not the best I've ever had but some of those are after years with someone or just one night stands when you're pretending to be someone else for a change and just have some fun so what do you expect really?I really thought we were just having a bit of fun, now I am sat here thinking about all other conversations we've had...if he doesnt phone me I dont think we will be talking again anyway so i'll just never know will I?

ok tactful ppl - when someone asks you what do you wank to if you don't use porn and you say imagination and memories and they say memories of what?

What do you say? What is the tactful thing to say then?

And also why wasnt him similarly tactful in lying about his use of porn to me then?Why did he think my ego could take it but his can't

I just don't see why you need to be tactful! He asked, if he didn't like the answer, he shouldn't have asked.

Unless your answer was "my massively hung ex-boyfriends who were all much fitter and better in bed than you", your answer was fine.

HRTFT but you are both ridiculous.

What on earth it HRTFT?

The tactful bullshit thing to say is 'him'

There is no difference tbh, and it's really shitty of him to not see this :( It was also really off of him to ask in the situation you were in (not exactly the best place for a 'what do you wank to' conversation) and then to keep pressuring you for an answer I am not entirely sure what I would have done differently.

Also why do you have to apologise to yur friend?

What do you say? What is the tactful thing to say then?

What you don't say is "memories of all my past partners". I think "My imagination" is probably where I'd stop.

^And also why wasnt him similarly tactful in lying about his use of porn to me then?Why did he think my ego could take it but his can't

Them's the breaks? Them's the breaks....?!

WTAF??

His ego must be pandered to at all costs, but her's doesn't matter?? Sweet Jesus.

Some utterly deluded people posting on this thread and it's NOT the OP. :(

You were being honest. God nothing wrong with a few nice memories. Far healthier than watching exploited women and men pretending to enjoy sex.
The male ego tis a fragile thing though sometimes.
He needs to get over himself and not ask a question he might not like the answer to.

tbf whatme i never said what you put. I said imagination and memories and stopped.It was him who wanted to know memories of what?and kept asking so i just shrugged and said you know memories of great sex you've had in the past.I don't think any 40+ bloke has got to that age without having had some great sex(even once!) - that would be silly.Why would he think I had?If I hadn't said that (which he had to drag out of me)wasn't it implied - who on earth wanks to memories of crap unfulfilling sex thats over in minutes and makes your side of the bed wet!

all i could find for HRTFT was head transfer surgery(maybe that was the suggestion!) or high resistant film something!so no idea. Yep I do think we're both ridiculous if that helps Hully.However i am maintaining that I am considerably less ridiculous than him so ner!

He asked you a personal and intimate question, demanded you answer it truthfully, pushed and shoved for details and then stormed off in a huff because it was neither a lie nor the answer he was looking for?!

What an absolute bus-wanker.

And you don't need to be tactful about your answer - he is big enough and old enough to realize that you weren't some virginal God-Botherer with a harp, fawning about a medieval tower wearing only your future wedding dress and a chastity belt firmly locked in place, until such time that your luck changed and he decided to stride in and split you open with a smouldering Mills-And-Boone look, his sexual prowess and his absolute gusher of a knob.

Some people need to grow the fuck up. And fast.

I think you're all weird. How can you wank over good times you 've had with someone in the past?
If someone was that good an experience I imagine it would depress me that they weren't in my life now rather than turn me on. Or I'd be remembering how wrong they and be grateful they weren't around. I've had some good times but only in the context of whatever/whoever of someone that's been and gone.
What happens to the other person/s in your wank memories? Do you think of them as they were and how do you stop thinking of the now. Mmm don't get it.

YANBU to do it, we all have our memories and it's none of his business.

YABU if you think this was going to go well I would be pissed off but then I wouldn't ask.

YANBU to think he is being a complete arse about this, total Omer reaction plus who does he think he is, its your wank not his. Do not concede to him. He did ask, classic ego thinking he was always the star of your show.

nothinggold - someone said it upthread its the sex you remember and it is kind of faceless if i really thought hard i would be able to say oh maybe that was with so and so but really because going solo is purely for your own pleasure you're not htinking about the other person involved at all!it's all about the effect it had on you!

Arf at buswanker stealthpenguin!you've given me an excellent idea - what with all this juvenileness (word?) i think that film and some wine would cheer me up tonight!

Oh dear. Over reaction. Mr Sharif would never react like that