Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to feel awkward about lesbian nanny

246 replies

WhatTheNannySaw · 03/01/2012 07:23

I have name changed, for obvious reasons really as I am well prepared to get a flaming and would prefer that particular spectre not to follow me round MN.

I am also fairly ashamed/embarassed that I feel like this, it doesn't square with how I have previously viewed myself as pretty liberal and relaxed about everything and as such I have got myself fairly stressed about the situation and would really welcome some brutal honesty.

About a month ago I employed a new live in nanny, lets call her Sara. I wasn't aware that she was gay when I employed her. She is great with the children and I have absolutely no issue with that side of things, I should also stress that there is no question of her losing her job because of her sexuality, I realise that this is my problem not hers.

The problem is I just can't relax, it is not that I imagine that she fancies me but I suppose I feel the same as if there was another man in the house - I would be concious of the way that I dress, be more covered up etc and so I am with her around and as a result I am not doing the things I usually would.

DC4 has a room off mine, which means Sara sometimes sees me getting dressed or with a towel wrapped round me. In the morning I would come down a breakfast time in shorts and a cami PJ's but now feel uncomfortable. I am also more concious of getting my boobs out when I BF DC4.

I am being ridiculous aren't I? And I know I am behaving like a twat but I can't help but feel all wrong in my own house.

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 06/02/2012 18:34

Whilst my eyes did bulge in surprise at the op whatthenannysaw I can't help thinking that, if you were a guy, who'd employed a male gay nanny and post the same topic, I'd be angry and frothing about you being pretty much homophobic (in its truest sense, ie unfounded irrational fear of, rather than being a homist cock) so I guess I have to feel the same way about your op, even though you put it gently and are, after all, being honest about how you feel... which is valid, no matter how liberal you are in the wider world.

I think most people, whether gay or not, can find attraction in others, we are all sexual beings. For what its worth OP I would probably feel the same, the sexual being comment is important, and actually I don't think sexuality is every simple as gay or straight, or bi, there's a huge spectrum in between.

If it were a hetrosexual male you'd employed, being hetro you'd probably have felt the same if they were completely unattractive to you. It is your issue though, and ego IS involved a little, but you're not being unreasonable to wonder about these things, although it is your issue to resolve within yourself.

Worst case scenario, you hire someone you find attractive (whatever gender, whatever sexuality) there's nothing wrong with finding anyone attractive, there's nothing wrong at all in that, the world's damnwell full of them (and often they arent of the gender I usually expect) but if you have respect, firm lines in the sand, get rid of the irrational fear I think its workable.

Whoever you hire, there's always a risk, in your home to get lines muddled, whether its worrying about your DH fancying the young au pair, or your lesbian nanny fancying you, or the gay nanny fancying DH, and vice versa... there's nothing wrong with acknowlegding it. Calculated risk.

If you're committed to your marriage and DH, the lines are secure even if you find your nanny attractive (she probably can't be arsed) or she you.

I was a bit scared of lesbians in my fear and niavity when young, some of it was ego trip, some of it was ignorance... turns out 2 of my school friends are and always have been lesbians, and wouldn't touch me with a barge pole, certainly not without my consent.

SlinkingOutsideInFrocks · 06/02/2012 19:33

This thread is hilarious! Grin

Band-wagon jumping, quack theories being put forward as hard and fast fact, anecdote as data and professionally offended frothing like it's going out of fashion. You couldn't make it up.

It's very telling that all the lesbian posters have come on and been sympathetic and helpful, while a load of (not all!) straight women have come on and been all righteous and indignant...

Anyway, OP - hopefully you have gleaned some good advice in amongst all the comedy.

I really think the crux of the matter is not the gay thing per se, but the new person in your house. You know what it is like when you have an unknown living in your home - it is all best-behaviour, uber-polite, 'oh no, you go, no you go' sort of stuff before you very quickly settle down into a comfortable and normal living arrangement, especially if the nanny is a good one and a good fit for your family.

Just give it a bit of time and I bet you will soon be cringing when you look back on these thoughts. Grin

runningwilde · 06/02/2012 20:01

Yes of course yabu but you know that and it's good you know that and are trying to work through your issues. I too agree that you seem to have had some great advice from lesbian posters so listen to them and try to make sure that you don't make your nanny feel uncomfortable with the way you feel! You are being silly, remember that!

AnyFucker · 06/02/2012 20:03

zombie thread

Quattrocento · 06/02/2012 20:20

Actually, I can totally relate to this thread. We had a male au-pair. Being entirely (in theory) liberal, I thought it would make absolutely no difference.

But it did make a difference. I was consciously covering up more, not strolling around in a towel, closing doors carefully when I was getting dressed etc. This is not because I thought he fancied me, and not because I fancied him, but simply because we can't really (or maybe I mean I can't really) be totally free and easy in a situation like that.

Quattrocento · 06/02/2012 20:27

And I was expecting to have to post some frothing stuff about homophobes-on-mn-what-is-the-world-coming-to, in a state of liberal righteous indignation.

Can liberals be righteous? Should they properly be lefteous?

CharmedLife · 10/04/2012 15:02

I'm relieved that I wasn't open about my sexuality when I was a live-in nanny....think of all the anguish I prevented!

Joystir58 · 30/03/2016 14:22

I'm a lesbian and think you are being very silly. Perhaps you feel attracted to her and this is what is making you uncomfortable around her?

NotNowPike · 30/03/2016 14:26

Zombie thread

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 30/03/2016 14:31

Think the op might have dealt with the issue herself in the last 4 years Confused

MartinaJ · 30/03/2016 14:38
Shock

I've heard stories about wives being afraid that their husbands will have a go at the young au--pair/nanny but this has a wow factor.

Sparklingbrook · 30/03/2016 14:40

.

to feel awkward about lesbian nanny
flanjabelle · 30/03/2016 14:42

joystir why have you commented on such an old thread?

purplefizz26 · 30/03/2016 14:46

Get over yourself.
That is all.
Biscuit

MartinaJ · 30/03/2016 14:50

Only just realized it's a zombie thread. Wow, why resurrect zombies?

BastardGoDarkly · 30/03/2016 14:58

How the Jeff do people FIND 4 year old posts?!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 30/03/2016 15:03

She's great with the children. That's all that matters, then.

Sparklingbrook · 30/03/2016 15:04
Buzzardbird · 30/03/2016 15:07

OH FFS!

splendide · 30/03/2016 15:09

lol

I presume you have to google "lesbian nanny" to get to this old thread.

cleaty · 30/03/2016 15:21

Most lesbians I know are extra careful in situations like changing rooms, not to look at other women at all.

cleaty · 30/03/2016 15:22

4 years old!!

Youarentkiddingme · 30/03/2016 15:31

So the only suitable nanny is one that isn't male or homosexual who at no point may find you being in a towel or skimpy pjs attractive?

Yep! You need a grip. Grin

Fwiw one of my closest friends is a CM and homosexual. She's rated outstanding by Ofsted and has been for over 10 years. Her sexuality and what she finds attractive does not affect her ability to do her job. All her mindees are aware she lives with her wife and my DS, 11yo has never ever mentioned it.

donajimena · 30/03/2016 15:34

Zombie FFS

BadDoGooder · 30/03/2016 15:57

He he, luckily I checked the date first!!

If you google "lesbian nanny" this thread comes up sandwiched between lots of porn! Grin

ZOMBIE THREAD PEOPLE!