to feel awkward about lesbian nanny

[WhatTheNannySaw]

I have name changed, for obvious reasons really as I am well prepared to get a flaming and would prefer that particular spectre not to follow me round MN.

I am also fairly ashamed/embarassed that I feel like this, it doesn't square with how I have previously viewed myself as pretty liberal and relaxed about everything and as such I have got myself fairly stressed about the situation and would really welcome some brutal honesty.

About a month ago I employed a new live in nanny, lets call her Sara. I wasn't aware that she was gay when I employed her. She is great with the children and I have absolutely no issue with that side of things, I should also stress that there is no question of her losing her job because of her sexuality, I realise that this is my problem not hers.

The problem is I just can't relax, it is not that I imagine that she fancies me but I suppose I feel the same as if there was another man in the house - I would be concious of the way that I dress, be more covered up etc and so I am with her around and as a result I am not doing the things I usually would.

DC4 has a room off mine, which means Sara sometimes sees me getting dressed or with a towel wrapped round me. In the morning I would come down a breakfast time in shorts and a cami PJ's but now feel uncomfortable. I am also more concious of getting my boobs out when I BF DC4.

I am being ridiculous aren't I? And I know I am behaving like a twat but I can't help but feel all wrong in my own house.

The time you become more body conscious than usual - is when you actually care what the other person thinks of you, whether male or female

If you don't care what they think of you or have no feeling towards them, you carry on as normal.

Even with men, if you're heterosexual - a man you clearly have no interest in whatsoever, you'll just be yourself. However if you have some interest in them or there's some attraction, even if it's not acted upon, then you become a bit more uncomfortable in a sense and concerned about your image.

Perhaps you need to take a closer look at your own feelings.

I would close your door so she doesnt see you in your towel , just because she is a lesbian doesnt mean she is drooling over you , I can see why you may feel uncomfy a little but stop worrying , about sara im sure she has a life outside your home and doesnt lust after you

tiger makes some very good points!

OP - Dont beat yourself up too much. Your feeling are your own no matter how daft and irrational.

Take some time and look at the reasons why you employed Sara in the first place. Im guessing that she came with decent references and you liked her in the first place? Well guess what she is still that very same person.

Her sexuality is just one part of the person she is, just focus yourself on looking past that one part and look at the person she really is.

This is a woman you have employed to look after your children. So I would expect there to be a certain level of trust already in place (I dont trust just anybody to look after my children). If you were both comfortable with your level of dress or lack thereof before then it really is down to you to work through this and to not let an unexpected prejudice get in the way of things.

Your nanny is a whole person in her own right as are you. It would be a shame to let something like this sour things. Credit to you for dragging this into the open to examine your own self and feelings. Some of what has been said on this thread has been very good and some need to read better and grow up.

All in all though you really need to move beyond this for your own benefit as well as the benefit of your nanny.

Meh... OP I think it's just a new situation for you. You're panicking about your liberal credentials being tested. You'll stop feeling like this soon, especially as you seem to get on well with her, judging by your long chats etc. You'll soon just see her as Sara rather than lesbian Sara.

Ok just to deal with a few points I honestly don't fancy her, although I am aware that will fall on deaf ears .

I do like her a lot, and I think she is an excellent nanny which is why I employed her to look after my DC's. I have no intention of getting rid of her I just needd to guage how nuts I am being before I work out how best to deal with this.

mackeral I would probably feel the same way in a public pool if I was the only woman there with another man, likewise as I said I would feel odd if it was just me and another man in my pool. I would for example avoid going swimming with just my bil and the kids, or my DH's best friend even though I don't for a minute think they fancy me. there would just be something weird for me about being in close proximity to a man who does find some female bodies sexually attractive when I am wearing a bikini/swimming costume. I guess in my head however weird this might be for others to comprehend that strange feeling also carries over to lesbians who find some female bodies sexually attractive.

stripes thanks for your comments ludicrous as it sounds it is helpful to have that pointed out to me.

adversecamber I do know some lesbians but only through work, so more aquaintances (I don't work with the same people everyday) - this will surely sound absurd but it is a case of I just don't seem to meet any in my very child orientated life rather than I choose not be friends with someone who is gay.

anyfucker I'm sorry if this comes across as stealth boasty not my intention and why I initially declined to mention the pool but then realised I was tying myself in knots trying to explain the situations where I might be in state of undress.

maypole "droopy BF body" - nice

ZXeighty all genuine honestly. I suppose I could real off Judge flounce, moldies, pom bears, dizzymare and Terry Wogans cock but I guess that must be the standard troll response these days. I don't really know what I was looking for from the thread - I was genuinely interested to know just how unreasonable I was being.

And finally whilst I have of course witnessed the phenomena of people reading the exact opposite to what the OP has said I have never before experienced it first hand so for those still not getting it I DO NOT THINK SHE FANCIES ME.

Obviously you are being ridiculous about the lesbian thing.

But on the other hand - you should be covering up a bit around her! She is living and working in your house, she shouldn't have to see you half undressed at breakfast etc. You're her boss, it will make her uncomfortable.

What Tee2072 said but with LOTS more swearing.

FFSTiggaxx

YABU. I play golf and there's a lot of gay women who do too. I've never given a second thought to getting changed with them after a round of golf... It's not the same as them being men.

Get over it.

I'm obviously not nannying right as in the 4 years I've been a live in nanny - and despite seeing my bosses drunk, hungover, in dressing gowns, I have never seen them naked and I have never fancied any of them

We (my employer and I) treat the house as our home but are conscious that we are sharing so we tell the other if we're just jumping in the shower, we close our bedroom door if we want privacy or if a child does go in to the room, we knock before extracting the child.

I agree about the breastfeeding though - I highly promote breast feeding and have seen my bosses do it and friends too - but they usually use bf friendly clothes - I would feel awkward if you were naked with the door open. Door open and nothing too much on display I wouldn't bat an eyelid though.

RE the children running around your rooom - this is one of the things that drive a nanny mad - as we're not sure if you want the children up there or not so 1) tell the nanny you're going upstairs, and not be disturbed and shut the door or 2) tell the nanny that it's ok if the kids are up there and she can do stuff downstairs 3) send the children packing when they come to find you.

As an employer you can tell Sarah to come out of the pool - "I'll take over now, why don't you... take the baby in, have a cuppa tea, sort out dinner" but even if she does fancy you like mad and is waiting to get you in the pool do you think she would try and do anything in front of the children - if you think she would then you have a problem, as whats stopping her going to see her gf when she's supposed to be at toddler group or hosting lesbian nanny playdates

Get over yourself !

OP, one of the things that really get to me about your posts are your repeatedly expressing that you don't know the reasons for these feelings; "I just do". This is a situation where that isn't really good enough.

We all have subconscious prejudices that are uncomfortable to face up to, especially if we consider ourselves open minded and liberal. But the way we stay open minded and liberal is to consciously attack those prejudices. I think you did a clever thing by posting about it on Mumsnet, talking about your prejudices openly is a way to give them less power but you can't keep going "I feel this way and I don't know why!" It is time to figure out why, whether or not it results in some uncomfortable revelations about yourself and your prejudices or not.

This is a great opportunity to really probe your feelings, OP and maybe actually change your views for the better. I think an important step is recognising that you're being irrational and you're already there! Now you just need to really think about what stereotypes you have internalised and which experiences have made you hold the views you hold.

tbh as well, some of the most "liberal" people I know have been those who have found it hardest to deal with their prejudices when i told them that I as a close friend or relative, am a lesbian. I am not attacking you - honest. But it is easy to see yourself as liberal about things when they don't really affect you. This sounds like the first time you have interacted with someone who is a lesbian in a more than superfacial way.

Perhaps you are not quite as liberal as you really think.

I am in a lesbian relationship and think you have been given a hard time here, OP. You've explained your feelings well and I don't think they are unreasonable. A skim read of this thread would seem to suggest other openly bi/ lesbian posters are quite supportive of you so don't feel too bad . I am impressed that you are here discussing it tbh.

(btw love the fact most MNers are indignant and ready to pile in when they think they see homophobia - usually someone gets a well deserved flaming!)

Anyway

I would personally want to cover up with strangers in the house regardless of their - or mine - sexuality but I have never had a nanny so don't really know what that working relationship is like.

Can you please lezz it up with her and post back a report?

Points will be awarded if you send your DH out for pizza afterwards.

Agree with GoldenGreen.

but, OP, do you have a pert bum ?

OP agree with TinyArmy and would also say that I think your feelings probably do depend very much on a feeling of being sized up - not that I think this is logical.

Straight women's relationships with lesbian women are really interesting. One of my bestest friends in the world is gay and when we first got to know each other we went through a phase of flirting quite a lot, in a playful way, kind of sizing each other up. Later that died down but there is definitely a quality in my friendship with her that isn't there in my straight-straight friendships - I don't know how to describe it quite - a kind of courtliness in her behaviour to me which isn't there with straight women.

Whereas with my mum's XP there was none of that and no real 'registering' of the fact that she was a lesbian.

I don't think it comes down to attraction, but to seeing her as a sexual being in some way.

However, I also think that that awareness on your part is unfair on her as a vulnerable employee. You say you won't fire her, but you could, of course, so you hold the power here. For that reason alone I think you need to consciously chill out. Cover up more - just an old shawl will do - get over the thing in the pool, your DC are there too - and then try to put it out of your mind.

I'd be astonished if Sara doesn't realise; I'm sure she's been subjected to weirdness from employers before - and I'd be astonished if her sexuality 'just came up', I'll bet she brought it up deliberately early on so you knew.

Goodness, you have a pool and a Nanny. I now have lifestyle envy.

So you are unhappy to BF in front of her, would you feel like that in front of "stright" women? How do you know when you feed in public that there are not "gay" women about, and are you that sexy that everyone wants you?

Goodness, you have a pool and a Nanny. I now have lifestyle envy think you should employ me to keep an eye on things

Well, at least she won't run off with your DH.

Sorry, but I wouldn't have another person male or female living in who wasn't family. Kind of feel sorry for you if you have no option.

Sorry, but I wouldn't have another person male or female living in who wasn't family. Kind of feel sorry for you if you have no option.

Really?

Really delta - I am a live in nanny; would like to know why not?