to feel awkward about lesbian nanny

[WhatTheNannySaw]

I have name changed, for obvious reasons really as I am well prepared to get a flaming and would prefer that particular spectre not to follow me round MN.

I am also fairly ashamed/embarassed that I feel like this, it doesn't square with how I have previously viewed myself as pretty liberal and relaxed about everything and as such I have got myself fairly stressed about the situation and would really welcome some brutal honesty.

About a month ago I employed a new live in nanny, lets call her Sara. I wasn't aware that she was gay when I employed her. She is great with the children and I have absolutely no issue with that side of things, I should also stress that there is no question of her losing her job because of her sexuality, I realise that this is my problem not hers.

The problem is I just can't relax, it is not that I imagine that she fancies me but I suppose I feel the same as if there was another man in the house - I would be concious of the way that I dress, be more covered up etc and so I am with her around and as a result I am not doing the things I usually would.

DC4 has a room off mine, which means Sara sometimes sees me getting dressed or with a towel wrapped round me. In the morning I would come down a breakfast time in shorts and a cami PJ's but now feel uncomfortable. I am also more concious of getting my boobs out when I BF DC4.

I am being ridiculous aren't I? And I know I am behaving like a twat but I can't help but feel all wrong in my own house.

Christ, yes yabu but you know that. Tbh i suggest therapy as you obviously have issues with sexuality, body image etc.

Have you spoken to her much about this? Does she have a partner? Would it make you feel better if she did?

Poor nanny, i hope she hasn't noticed your attitude.

Look, will people either read the op and comment appropriately or shut up?

I find it a bit odd that you're perfectly comfortable walking around in shorts/cami in front of neighbours and friends/guests (including male guests?), but not in front of your nanny.

It's a simple solution though, get some pyjamas with longer legs/sleeves, or just pop a dressing gown on before going downstairs! And close the door while you get dressed, if you feel more comfortable, it would take two seconds to do. Really don't see why this is such a big problem!

I've read the whole thing, seeker. Get of your high horse.

Off*

Just wondered how the nanny's sexuality came up OP? Did she volunteer the information, or did it crop up in conversation? Just saying, because she might start noticing a change in your behaviour, no matter how hard you try to 'act natural'. Have you broached this with your DH?

OP how did you find out she was gay?
YABU but you've obviously recognised this and you can't help how you feel.
Is it just that your uncomfortable with a stranger in your house ?
I too think you maybe need to perhaps use a blanket to cover your not in use boob when BF. I wouldn't be comfortable talking to my best friend with a boob hanging out, so definitely not with a stranger.

Even if nanny found you attractive I would hope she had professional boundaries anyway.

Nanny sounds great from what you've said, hope you can get passed this.

I applaud your honesty OP - it is very disconcerting when your feelings in real life don't reflect the liberal general feelings about the concept. I'm sure most of us have felt like that, even if we are too ashamed to admit it to other people - it can be a bit different when it is something 'new' right under our noses. As you say yourself, it is not rational, and I strongly believe you will feel absolutely fine about this very soon - soon you will forget she is a lesbian and just think of her as Sara.

To give an example, I teach international students. The first time I taught a female student wearing a full hijab (sorry may not be the correct word - covered up apart from the eyes), I found it hugely distracting and difficult. I am not all against religious dress and covering up, but it was something new for me that took a while to adjust to because of various reasons, e.g. not seeing the mouth when speaking which makes it harder to understand a second language speaker, and harder to correct pronunciation, and also the impact it has on the rest of the class in that she cannot work with the male students. I also found myself making assumptions about her personality and lifestyle and had to remind myself to not get distracted by the hijab. Of course it was just a matter of adjusting my teaching style and learning to adapt to new requirements. But at first I saw her as 'different' not just another student, which was terrible to admit to myself. I'm not saying sexuality is 'the same' as religion, but they are both taboo subjects and people can be afraid of admitting they don't feel 100% comfortable at first.

OP, don't worry and don't overthink things. Cover up a little bit more than normal if you feel uncomfortable - hopefully with bf you are used to doing it in a cafe? But I suspect it will pass very soon.

You know lesbians don't fancy EVERY SINGLE WOMAN yeah? Just like you don't fancy EVERY SINGLE MAN.

Honestly.

QS ok - I shall try and be more decent

I have to confess that although I do do the shorts thing, and the BF thing (and hooray to MarshaBrady for also BF whilst wearing nice tops ) the other issue is (and I realise I am now going to get really slated for drip feeding this but would have felt to much of a twat for mentioning it in OP - I have been around long enough to know how nanny threads usually go)

We have a pool I feel odd being in the pool if sara is in the pool, because I tend not to wear long trousers and sleeves when swimming.

So there it is a bona fide reason for being in a state of undress in the presence of Sara? Not sure whether this makes me look better or worse

And before I get any stupid comments about cavorting with the lesbian nanny in the pool it is like this: sometimes I go out, sometimes Sarah (because she is a good nanny) takes the DC's swimming, sometimes when I get in kids go wohoo mum's home come in the pool, please please please please....

I would feel like a fool saying: Ok sara out you get now please, I am home I shall look after my own kids (would that suit you better A1980 ?) just get them all out whilst I change and then when you have exited the room I shall get in with them so thus far I have mostly avoided it which is sad really.

Anyway seriously thanks for all the kind words and this thread really has helped me work through my madness in my head - been a bit like therapy . I now realise just how silly I am being but don't feel so bad about it, because you've mostly been nicer than i expected.

erm. You dont know the sexual orientation of anybody on the beach, or by the hotel pool, or in a public pool. Relax. So what if she knows what you look like in a swimming costume (If you have a two piece, get a one piece).

Am I the only one beginning to think that the OP is really a lesbian porn producer trying to look at new angles and is really canvassing our opinion? Will the nanny and the mum in the pool be a hit production, pushing the right buttons or not?

I just think the OP is a bit of a muppet TBH. But ooo as a nanny and a lesbian, that might be intriguing porn!

If people don't want to read the whole thread before replying, in Customise you can change the background colour on the OP's posts. Then you can skim through the page(s) and just read the OP's posts.

You can also change the number of posts per page.

The fact that she will sit and talk to you whilst you are bf shows that, even if she is not comfortable with it, she has accepted that is how you do things.

I bf in front of anyone and everyone unless I am aware that it will make them uncomfortable. I don't take my top off, I wear v necks or vests so i have easy access and if I need to be covered up I simply thread a muslin through my bra straps. I feel comfortable doing it because I have accepted that my tits are not objects of sexual desire atm they are for feeding my baby and I don't care how anyone else views them. Your lesbian nanny is also able to see them in this way because she is a woman no matter her sexuality.

Having said that, I wouldn't do it in front of the gas man if I were in alone (I would if someone else were here) because of the risk of him being a wrong 'un and putting myself in a dangerous situation.

I think the issue is with how comfortable you feel exposing yourself and being in varying states of undress in front of people general, not with the nanny being a lesbian. Speak to her about it and tell her that when you are feeding you would prefer she left you to it - as people have commented this is her employment and you are just laying the guidelines for how you want things done. If you don't want to do that then cover up, I don't see any other options!

Do you never go swimming in a gym or public pool. i.e. in full view of various strangers, including men, and women who may well be lesbians? (well, you probably don't now, if you have your own pool at home, but never in the past? Or on holiday?).

It just seems very strange to me. I know some people are very modest or shy about their bodies, but you sound quite relaxed and comfortable in that way generally, it's just with this one particular person you have the problem. That's why I wondered if there's something else going on, if it's more a case of adjusting to having a non-family member living in your home.

Have you had a nanny before OP?

And are you sure it's her sexuality bothering you, and not just the shock of suddenly having a perfect stranger in your house with your DC?

I sometimes get a bit cold with the nursery girls because I'm jealous and resentful to be paying them for the privilege of watching my baby grow up, and spending all that lovely time with him. Can you tell I'm back at work today after the longest, most perfect Christmas break?

Right last comment before i have to get on with the minor matter of work.

She mentioned her sexuality very early on, no big (or indeed any) deal made by either of us. She mentioned an ex girlfriend and we talked (general chit chat) about the circumstances surrounding their split. She's also mentioned becoming a parent one day and how her sexuality effects that. Nothing deep just as you would with any co worker I suppose. The on off nature of my work means we can spend a fair amount of time together and I can witter for england (as can she) so most topics seem to have been covered in a relatively short period.

Ephiny I know I know it is ridiculous because of course I have been to the gym/pool/beach before and it hasn't crossed my mind.

Again at the risk of putting me back in line for a flaming I supose it is the being alone (well as you can be with 4 kids) that feels a bit odd (do I need to reiterate at this point that I don't think she fancies me !)

Like I would, for example, sit on the beach with my bil without a second thought but would feel a bit odd if it was just me him and the DC's in the pool. I wouldn't feel odd if it was my sil though. Does that make sense at all?

I am a lesbian and I do understand you feeling this way. IME though my lesbian friends are all very aware that straight women may feel like this and are very careful in certain settings e.g. changing rooms, not to look anywhere near other women.

You can't help your feelings. SAo your only choice is to cover up or try and ignore your feelings and hope they go away.

I think this is rather sad but agree with other posters who have said you will get over it in time as you get to know her.

My best friend is a lesbian and I can assure you that your nanny is probably not thinking about anything but doing her job to the best of her ability. The bottom line is that Sara is no different to any other woman you know and by thinking of her differently you are actually doing her a great disservice. Sad.

It would be interesting to see what the thread made by the lesbian nanny would look like here

Although, you could say that about a lot of threads...

I am wondering if it is just that you are comparing the ease you felt with your old Nanny to the way you feel about this Nanny. It is to be expected that you are not as easy around someone new than you were with someone you had built up an easy working relationship with.

Could it be that these totally natural feelings are just being muddled in you head?

What.

I used to wear a very thin silk skirt under dresses so I could bf anywhere but also not render 75% of my wardrobe defunct for over a year.

Still not much help in a pool!

It sounds more like you're uncomfortable in the new dynamic irrespective of the nanny's gender or sexuality.

Telling you to get a grip is unhelpful, if you feel odd you do.

You've identified some key areas in your posts that could easily be addressed. Try them and see how you feel initially.

Remember as well, the nanny is your employee. Keep the relationship professional, once you get into discussing really personal stuff with an employee it's really hard to back track.

One of my sort-of-friends found out 6months down the line that her nanny was a lesbian and I did laugh because my friend is such a bigot.

However in your case... I think it sounds like you are feeling weird about it and that's the way you feel, whether you like it or not. So you need to find a way to feel more comfortable with her.

I agree with the poster who suggested viewing her as a professional. (Have to say I felt slightly odd when I found out my midwife was a lesbian. For me it just sort of turned her into a person and really I just wanted to know nothing about her so I could focus on the pregnancy and birth. Anyway...)
If you view her as a professional going about her work rather than a sexual preference, you may start to feel more comfortable.

Whatever her lifestyle/religion etc it is important for you to trust each other in order for the relationship to work.