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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel awkward about lesbian nanny

246 replies

WhatTheNannySaw · 03/01/2012 07:23

I have name changed, for obvious reasons really as I am well prepared to get a flaming and would prefer that particular spectre not to follow me round MN.

I am also fairly ashamed/embarassed that I feel like this, it doesn't square with how I have previously viewed myself as pretty liberal and relaxed about everything and as such I have got myself fairly stressed about the situation and would really welcome some brutal honesty.

About a month ago I employed a new live in nanny, lets call her Sara. I wasn't aware that she was gay when I employed her. She is great with the children and I have absolutely no issue with that side of things, I should also stress that there is no question of her losing her job because of her sexuality, I realise that this is my problem not hers.

The problem is I just can't relax, it is not that I imagine that she fancies me but I suppose I feel the same as if there was another man in the house - I would be concious of the way that I dress, be more covered up etc and so I am with her around and as a result I am not doing the things I usually would.

DC4 has a room off mine, which means Sara sometimes sees me getting dressed or with a towel wrapped round me. In the morning I would come down a breakfast time in shorts and a cami PJ's but now feel uncomfortable. I am also more concious of getting my boobs out when I BF DC4.

I am being ridiculous aren't I? And I know I am behaving like a twat but I can't help but feel all wrong in my own house.

OP posts:
BaublesandCuntingCarolSingers · 03/01/2012 11:02

You totes fancy her.

That's why you feel awkward.

Ephiny · 03/01/2012 11:03

Yes I know what you mean, the pool thing isn't exactly the same as being in a public pool or on the beach, it's a bit more private and 'intimate' if it's at home and just the two of you (plus kids of course).

Still think you need to focus on her being a professional doing her job. More like if your kids were having private swimming lessons or something, than like being in the pool alone with your BIL (which I agree might feel a bit awkward!)

Sorry if this is inappropriate to say, but are you sure it isn't that you feel maybe a little bit attracted to her, hence perfectly normal situations taking on more significance/awkwardness for you?

Ephiny · 03/01/2012 11:04

Oh I see someone got there first :) Honestly that's what it's starting to sound like though!

JazzAnnNonMouse · 03/01/2012 11:05

YABU

ilovemydogandMrObama · 03/01/2012 11:06

Thought I was over prejudices, but when pregnant with DC2, had a male midwife, can can kind of understand knowing theoretically that one's response is not logical and the feeling of being uncomfortable nonetheless.

BrandyAlexander · 03/01/2012 11:12

I actually think her sexuality is irrelevant and its more about exposing yourself in your own home and feeling comfortable in your own home with someone who at the end day is not your friend, is not a stranger and is your employee. I have fed my baby in just about every restaurant in town, on trains, in the park, in the library. You name it he has been fed there. I also feed him while conversing with friends and family and even on work conference calls. however, I feel slightly uncomfortable feeding him if his nanny is there and she is trying to carry on a conversation with me. The best way i can rationalise in my head is that it's the fact that she is my employee in my home that makes me uncomfortable. I think i would feel the same about feed my baby in front of my employees in the office.

While it is is a privelage to be able to afford a live in nanny, there are some significant challenges and lack of privacy is the major one. I am guessing some of the flaming posters aren't choosing to understand that aspect of it.

imaginethat · 03/01/2012 11:13

Or imagine that she was a hot, young, heterosexual Swede who got on horribly well with your dh. Now that would be worth worrying about...

stripesnotspots · 03/01/2012 11:27

Oh dear. Thing is she's NOT a bloke, and therefore doesn't act or think like one either, she's not programmed to get over excited at the sight of female nudity the same way boys are. We lezzers see naked women all the time, ourselves, gym changing rooms, saunas, our friends etc and it's really not a big deal...completely asexual. Not unlike you'd view other women's bodies for the most part. Close the door more if it really bothers you. BTW half the NHS is gay, midwives, nurses, docs the lot so if you've had a couple of kids chances are some lesbians have already seen a lot more than your nanny ever will...

upahill · 03/01/2012 11:35

While it is is a privelage to be able to afford a live in nanny, there are some significant challenges and lack of privacy is the major one. I am guessing some of the flaming posters aren't choosing to understand that aspect of it.

I understand what you are saying BUT that would apply to any nanny.
It is the fact that the op has mentioned the fact that the woman is a lesbian and that is why she feels uncomfortable. She states that she didn't have a problem with her before she found out that she was a lesbian.

That is the issue, not the lack of privacy.

BrandyAlexander · 03/01/2012 11:38

upahill, you're right. Blush i was trying to give op the benefit of the doubt based on her later posts.

Hogmanayhoneyblossom · 03/01/2012 11:52

I think you fancy her!

MackerelOfFact · 03/01/2012 11:57

I think you fancy her. Hence the coyness and the apparent inability the keep your clothes on in her presence. Grin

But seriously? YABU. The swimming pool thing is bizarre, would you feel the same in a public pool? There is nothing at all sexual about going swimming with someone. Your Nanny is a professional woman doing the job you employed her to do. If that involves swimming or witnessing you BF, respect her enough not to assume that she is checking you out or being at all inappropriate.

MackerelOfFact · 03/01/2012 11:58

PMSL Hogmanay, cross-post!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 12:07

is she fit ?

valiumredhead · 03/01/2012 12:17

I have skimmed the thread -

  • would you presume a man fancied you, just because he was a man and straight? Of course not, so why presume she will fancy you! Keep your ego in check Wink

  • I worked as a nanny for years and know lots of nannies, I have NEVER met a nanny who fancies their employer no matter how good looking they are - it's something that is in film plots and books as far as I am concerned.

  • PLEASE cover up and be a bit decent, it's likely to make anyone feel a bit uncomfortable, this isn't a member of your family or a good friend. A dressing gown is a good idea.

  • If she is good with the kids, get a grip and stop being such a naner! Grin

ilovemydogandMrObama · 03/01/2012 12:49

yes, definitely cover up in your own home Hmm

Adversecamber · 03/01/2012 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZXEightyMum · 03/01/2012 13:02

Sorry OP because reading your posts you sound genuine but my first thought was that this sounds like the plot of a porn film or a dodgy fantasy and strongly suspected the "hand" of the juvenile nice men from the car forum given the recent threads.

What do you want from the thread? It is surely illegal unreasonable to sack someone for their sexuality so if it's support and a kick up the arse or whatever I hope it has been useful Smile

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 03/01/2012 13:27

it's a bit non-stealth-boasty too

live in nanny, private pool, having all manner of people fancy me as I pad around with pert bum in little itsy pj shorts

but then, I am Envy

maypole1 · 03/01/2012 13:38

I would have more issue with a femAle straight nanny around oh

Btw I thing you thing far to much of your self to imagin just because somone like women they would find you attractive

Most people man or women find droopy brestfeeding bood sexy

Get over yourself

IndianOcean · 03/01/2012 13:53

I think it's really odd having non-family members living in your hime, anyway, and it would make me feel a bit self-conscious. I feel self conscious when our cleaner is in the house, I close the bedroom door when I am dressing if my mother or ILs are staying, maybe you are just reacting to the unfamiliar closeness of having someone live in your house?

If you are secretly imagining what would happen if she she fancied you (and she may well, or may well not - there are some Hmm comments here about the apparantly repellant nature of the bodies of mothers) just try and calm down and stop being so melodramatic - it would only be a problem if it was a problem. And either way, at the moment it isn't, so stop thinking about it.

ElsieMc · 03/01/2012 13:56

From another perspective, I worked for a lesbian couple, knew before I signed up and had absolutely no problem with this or so I thought at the time. It wasn't an issue, just a job. However, one of the couple used to come down to the office in her nightie each morning and massage my shoulders. Now I did find this uncomfortable and inappropriate whatever the orientation of the person involved.

Your nanny is not doing this and is behaving perfectly appropriately. However, no manner of flaming on here is going to make you feel any differently and sadly I just don't think this is going to work out for you. The comment about perceptions of ourselves is right and it ain't going to get any better.

valiumredhead · 03/01/2012 13:57

Re covering up - shorts and t shirt are fine, walking around naked is not. B feeding obviously fine - it's what boobs are for!

zebras · 03/01/2012 14:14

You know you are being irrational (as you put it very honestly "a twat"), but it is your house and it must be hard to have these feelings in your own home. tbh I would feel uncomfortable about anyone I didn't know being around me when I was undressed/dressing - regardless of their sexuality. Maybe you just need to give things a bit more time, and stop giving yourself such a hard time. Anything that you spend so much time stressing about will inevitably become a much bigger issue than it needs to be. Cover up a bit more if you feel more comfortable, keep things as natural and relaxed as possible and get to know your nanny better. Hopefully before long it will become something you can look back and laugh about just what a state you got yourself into.

TotemPole · 03/01/2012 14:21

The OP has said a few times that she doesn't think the nanny fancies her.