to feel awkward about lesbian nanny

[WhatTheNannySaw]

I have name changed, for obvious reasons really as I am well prepared to get a flaming and would prefer that particular spectre not to follow me round MN.

I am also fairly ashamed/embarassed that I feel like this, it doesn't square with how I have previously viewed myself as pretty liberal and relaxed about everything and as such I have got myself fairly stressed about the situation and would really welcome some brutal honesty.

About a month ago I employed a new live in nanny, lets call her Sara. I wasn't aware that she was gay when I employed her. She is great with the children and I have absolutely no issue with that side of things, I should also stress that there is no question of her losing her job because of her sexuality, I realise that this is my problem not hers.

The problem is I just can't relax, it is not that I imagine that she fancies me but I suppose I feel the same as if there was another man in the house - I would be concious of the way that I dress, be more covered up etc and so I am with her around and as a result I am not doing the things I usually would.

DC4 has a room off mine, which means Sara sometimes sees me getting dressed or with a towel wrapped round me. In the morning I would come down a breakfast time in shorts and a cami PJ's but now feel uncomfortable. I am also more concious of getting my boobs out when I BF DC4.

I am being ridiculous aren't I? And I know I am behaving like a twat but I can't help but feel all wrong in my own house.

delta - am with one of.. What's wrong with live in if that is what suits your family?

I wouldn't feel comfortable with someone staying in my home who wasn't part of my family. I wouldn't have one of my employee's living with me, I wouldn't want either one of my friends or one of my partners friends for anything other than a short period of time. If it wasn't your job, can you honestly say you would be comfortable with it?

I had a friend live with us for months as he had nowhere else to go. It was brilliant.

Maybe I am too jealous, or not strong enough to want to deal with competition.

Would you have been so happy for your friend to move in if she was hotter than you?

Of course, I trust DH implicitly. WTF would be the point if I didn't?

I am a lesbian and am not offended by your post. Dealing with the reality of your feelings with honesty, especially when they conflict with your theoretical liberalism, is a good thing :)

Does it help to remember that women tend not to be as visual as men? ie, a man gets turned on looking at photos of naked/semi-dressed women; I knew very few lesbians who do so. I have bf and sat in umpteen bf groups and honestly have never once had a sexual thought. I have been swimming with friends from work, showered/changed with them and also never once had a sexual thought. If I were ever caught staring at someone's breasts at work I know it would be all round the office, much faster than if I were a man. I suspect she is as good as me, as most lesbians who live in a mainly straight world, at filtering out any possibility of sexual imagery when it's inappropriate.

Otherwise, you could just keep being honest with yourself, and you may find that time and familiarity bring the reassurance you need to be able to relax around her in the same way you would a straight nanny.

delta you have isshoos, love

As well as being a lived in nanny I have also lived in a house share too - no issues; love it - friends on hand, but shut your door and it's your own place :) Don't find it strange at all.

Delta don't feel sorry for me, I have a lovely life (although sadly AF not a particularly pert bum!) - it is a great option which works really well for me and my family

mama , golden and all the other lesbians who have taken the time to read my posts and been kind enough not to flame, I appreciate it. I think the best explanationas per yonder is that I do see her a sexual being and feel that I may be being "sized up" and no rabid that doesn't mean I think I'm so sexy everyone wants me - I would probably be more concerned about being written off as an dull old mum of 4!

Has been good to have the opportunity to work things out in my head and I feel more relaxed about the whole situation now.

baubles if I ever do decide to lezz it up I promise to come back anr report

I think the posters saying that you must think she fancies you are being unfair. I can understand your comment about feeling you may be being sized up. I feel this with men, even if I fear the judgement is still mumsy old frump.

As a lesbian, I think she may or may not have sized you up. Its impossible to know this. But many straight women judge each other too on looks, even if it is coming from a slightly different place.

I think you both being professional and time will help to erode this feeling.

Hmm, I suppose this is the problem when a person is classified by their sexuality. Whereas heterosexual people are seen as "normal", gay and bi people are immediately classed as sexual beings: their sexuality is naturally out in the open, whereas with heterosexuals, it can almost be ignored. Don't know if I'm explaining that very well.

I am bi, and I definitely don't size up every woman/man I meet. Same way you don't size up every man you meet, if I fancy them, I fancy them, but if I know they are straight, then I instantly go off them.

Ok, I am a lesbian and I don't think YABU to be honest about your feelings. Sometimes you can't help how you feel and this is a good forum to be honest but discrete. I actually think you sound like a very nice person in a difficult situation.

I am almost certain that my straight women friends don't feel like i am checking them out if we go swimming together or whatever. I would be mortified if they did think that. I am far from a predatory lesbian and most of my gay friends are like me. On the very odd occasion people have said they were nervous of me because they thought I was attracted to them I say "I'm gay, it's not another word for desperate!" THIS IS A JOKE obviously but makes them laugh and realise that I don't actually fancy all women (very few in fact!).

I hope you feel more comfortable with your nanny soon, she sounds great.

Lesbians are women too, and so tend to be less about sex and more about love. She probably isn't looking at you. Do you look at every man in a swimsuit?

"Tend to be less about sex and more about love" - oh yes, I forgot that all men are raving hornmonsters and all women are fluffy ickle love bunnies.

loopsylou erm "tend to be less about sex and more about love" best let my friend in on that one then, she seems to have missed that page in the Lesbian Handbook!!

She's in a 'proper' relationship now but has spent a fair bit of time behaving like the blokiest of blokes! And says as much herself.

Surely people are people whatever their sexuality. Some will be looking for love; some will be after a bit of casual sex; some with think they're looking for one thing and realise they have found the other.

Is this about her being a lesbian? Or about a 'stranger' being in your space? I have assistants because I'm disabled; they're lovely but I wish they weren't here. It'smy house, but I can't read/listen to radio/make private calls/fart/shout at dd when I feel like it. It is intrusive and I feel awkward

Lesbians tend to be less about sex and more about love? LOL I can't believe you actually posted that

It's ok OP the nanny doesn't want to shag you she just wants to luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurve you

yellowraincoat I agree with what you're saing about the non-straight being seen primarily by their sexuality. If there's an article about a gay / bi person then their sexuality is always mentioned. Even when george Michael was in hospital the papers described ''his gay lover'' coming for a visit. Obviously his lover is gay!

You never read anyone writing about Prince william and his strawife katie, for example.

It's something that always pisses me off. Gay / straight / bi- it's ALL normal and not worthy of special comment imo

*his straight wife

I don't think she's being ridiculous and I am gay.
Let it be said that obviously gay women don't fancy the undesirable :) but yes, there is more of a chance of her developing a crush on you than a straight nanny. You could also feel the same about her which would really bake your noodle lol.
People are too busy trying to be PC to give actual advice.
Look, she is a great nanny- so keep her. And does it matter that you spend a bit more time on your appearance and being kept on your toes- nothing like a bit of adventure in life.
If I hired a lesbian nanny or straight male nanny, I would feel the same way as you- only minus the uncomfortable part. What I'd be interested in is is she married etc. I'd know very quickly if she/he had a thing for me and I'd defuse it or if need be, address it.
On the up side- and it's a damn good upside- she won't be found in bed with your husband!
xx

Am finding this thread interesting. Having never had a nanny, or a close frin

Ignore that

Bloody iPad plus sausage fingers.

OP I think it was inevitable you'd get a lot of FFSs but it's sometimes helpful to think through why you feel the way you feel. Seeker and zombi have articulated what I wanted to say.