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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel awkward about lesbian nanny

246 replies

WhatTheNannySaw · 03/01/2012 07:23

I have name changed, for obvious reasons really as I am well prepared to get a flaming and would prefer that particular spectre not to follow me round MN.

I am also fairly ashamed/embarassed that I feel like this, it doesn't square with how I have previously viewed myself as pretty liberal and relaxed about everything and as such I have got myself fairly stressed about the situation and would really welcome some brutal honesty.

About a month ago I employed a new live in nanny, lets call her Sara. I wasn't aware that she was gay when I employed her. She is great with the children and I have absolutely no issue with that side of things, I should also stress that there is no question of her losing her job because of her sexuality, I realise that this is my problem not hers.

The problem is I just can't relax, it is not that I imagine that she fancies me but I suppose I feel the same as if there was another man in the house - I would be concious of the way that I dress, be more covered up etc and so I am with her around and as a result I am not doing the things I usually would.

DC4 has a room off mine, which means Sara sometimes sees me getting dressed or with a towel wrapped round me. In the morning I would come down a breakfast time in shorts and a cami PJ's but now feel uncomfortable. I am also more concious of getting my boobs out when I BF DC4.

I am being ridiculous aren't I? And I know I am behaving like a twat but I can't help but feel all wrong in my own house.

OP posts:

fuzzpig · 03/01/2012 07:42

So just because she's a lesbian, she's lumped in with being a man. Niiiiice.

I wonder when people will stop confusing Sexuality with Gender. It's pretty basic: being gay does not mean you act like the opposite sex!

WheresMeJumper · 03/01/2012 07:43

And whats wrong with that? Its the same as saying get a grip!! Why pick on my post?

TroublesomeEx · 03/01/2012 07:44

OP, you are being a tad ridiculous, but then, hey, that's what coming on aibu is all about! Not only that, but if it's the first time you've been in this position, I don't think it's unusual for you to have a momentary wobble. As westley said.

I wouldn't even think about it, tbh. Re: the BF in front of her. What are you worried about?

I BF in front of my friend and it never seemed to be a problem. We to go the gym, sauna and get changed in front of each other too, so she's seen my boobs. Do you know what? She's never once tried it on with me!!

tigerlillyd02 · 03/01/2012 07:44

For what it's worth, I don't think the OP is the only female to feel this way. In some places I've worked, where there's been a lesbian working there too, although they're obviously polite (they have to be!) there is also a feeling of 'keep your distance' amongst some of them and as such they wouldn't be invited to outings on a 1-1 situation and not invited in general for nights out, unless in a large group. I suppose the same as they wouldn't go for a night out alone with just with a man (if they're married).

This is not the attitude of all - some would be quite comfortable and have no problem at all. But I have seen a fair few who find it difficult.

I always find it utterly ridiculous to be honest. It's quite easy just to say "no thank you" if anything ever did happen (which most probably never will!) - just like you would with any male you're not interested in who made a pass at you.

Vicky2011 · 03/01/2012 07:44

Yup you are being unreasonable, very very much so.

But your rational brain knows that. Listen to it.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/01/2012 07:45

How about you invest in some bf friendly clothes? I don't think I ever removed my clothing in order to bf but you seem to be pulling dresses and tops off all over the place.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/01/2012 07:45

I thnk a straight nanny might be uncomfortable with you sitting around topless too, I wouldn't want to see my employer doing that, even though feeding is natural etc etc.

Anyway you can't help how you feel, but am wondering why you posted this as you will just get roasted to smithereens

MrsMangoBiscuit · 03/01/2012 07:46

Saying someone needs to be thumped is not the same as saying they need to get a better grip on reality!

Gigondas · 03/01/2012 07:46

Can you not bf and mn snuggled up on your bed with door shut if you feel awkward - was never the most confident bf myself so used to do that. I know it's not as convenient but if you can't just get on with it as you do normally that seems a better alternative .

WheresMeJumper · 03/01/2012 07:47

Here it does!!! It means you need a good shake..like a jolt to reality!!! What does it mean to you?

TroublesomeEx · 03/01/2012 07:47

x posted with OP.

a "big feed" which generally involves me pulling off my top and settling down on the sofa for 30 mins with MN, no modesty at all involved.

but you wouldn't you feel uncomfortable doing that in front of anyone? I would and it would make no difference what the sexuality/gender of any other person present would be. I still wouldn't want to do that type of BF in front of anyone else.

Original poster

WhatTheNannySaw · 03/01/2012 07:48

flimflamerry

No I have my flame proof hat at the ready I knew I'd get a rough ride.

It's interesting that people have also questioned why I feel uncomfortable about other men seeing me in these scenarios. I honestly don't know. I can't explain why I feel less comfortable about a man seeing me barely dressed than I do about another woman. I just do and I am sorry that I cannot explain why I also feel that way about Sara. I just do.

OP posts:

Gigondas · 03/01/2012 07:49

And agree with fanjo- dd2 due in a couple of weeks and I know that as nanny will be around that how I cover up /act around house when she is here will account for fact that neither of us would be comfortable with me being in State of undress .

WheresMeJumper · 03/01/2012 07:49

I would be concerned if I saw my boss half nude, but then again he looks like Mr Bean

OP You know you ABU. You say you always thought you were a liberal type of person..How so? Can you apply your liberal practices here?>

AmyHS · 03/01/2012 07:50

It sounds as if you know the answer.

At best you are being ridiculous and at worst I'm afraid that you are being extremely narrow-minded, and some might even see it as homophobic. I do also think that you sound quite ignorant and foolish. It is opinons like this which fuel peoples prejudices.

I am sure that you have heard some judgemental people argue that "gay men are more likely to be peodophiles" or that "gay men are still more likely to have Aids" We know how ridiculous these staements are, and so is the assumption that a lesbian might sneak a look at you when BF.

The truth is that some lesbians, and some men for that matter might well act unprofessionally in this situation, but most would probably not!! You can not generalise and the fact that you beleive you have employed a professional and capable person would suggest that your fears are unfounded.

I think that it is commendable that you do realise that this is your issue, but i think you need to do you very best to challenge your opinions.

SoupDragon · 03/01/2012 07:50

Saying someone needs a "good thump" means they need punching. don't be so dense.

NorksAreMessy · 03/01/2012 07:50

tigerlily the way you speak of 'them' and 'some of them' makes me very sad and reminds me of trying-to-be -tolerant people talking about 'some of my best friends are black' :(

MrsMangoBiscuit · 03/01/2012 07:52

WheresMeJumper, I've always seen it used to mean hit or punch, hard.

Definition of THUMP
transitive verb
1
: to strike or beat with or as if with something thick or heavy so as to cause a dull sound

From here.

It's too early to be quoting dictionaries!

WheresMeJumper · 03/01/2012 07:52

SoupDragon Now that was uncalled for. I am certainly not dense, but in my part of very rural Cork, that is what it means. If it means punching where you are the OP, No offence intended.

tigerlillyd02 · 03/01/2012 07:52

NorksAreMessy - In terms of "them" I was referring to other members of staff - not the lesbian women who I clearly referred to as such.

Awayinamangercooper · 03/01/2012 07:53

Are you sure it's not just (a) she's not actually a friend of yours, she's an employee; and (b) you're feeling a bit self conscious/emotional ATM and your sleep deprived hormonal brain has put two and two together and decided you must be post natally homophobic? You say you're normally a liberal sensible sort, OP. I reckon you're likely as not over thinking this one.

WheresMeJumper · 03/01/2012 07:53

Christ, the dictionary is out...put it away!!! Read my other post and make me a cuppa!

Tee2072 · 03/01/2012 07:53

Look, you know you are being unreasonable and that this is your issue. So the problem remains...what do you do about it?

Well, don't take your shirt/dress off, to begin with, to breastfeed. Buy the appropriate clothing to allow you to feed without striping. I would be uncomfortable to be in the same room with you if you had your shirt/dress completely off, and I am not a lesbian. Not because of the feeding, but because your other breast would be hanging out there! Also...isn't it chilly?!?!

So you do need 'to get over it' and find a way to deal. Or fire her. And tell her why. And get sued for discrimination...

seeker · 03/01/2012 07:58

I don't think the op needs to be told to get a grip, does she? It's clear from her OP that she thinks she does too! Not entirely sure why people are giving her a hard time when she has made it clear that she is giving herself one- kick a sister when she's down, why don't you?

Op- it's a new situation. You will get used to it. Honestly. In the meantime, maybe cover up a little more? She's your employee not your friend, so slightly different rules apply anyway, surely?

Original poster

WhatTheNannySaw · 03/01/2012 07:59

Argh fast moving I am trying to answer questions as it is interesting to be challenged on my views.

obsidian re the clothes, I know I sound like I'm flinging stuff off all over the place I'm slowly getting back into my pre baby wardrobe - fitted tops and dresses etc etc and really enjoying being out of my stretch vests which have kept me going for the past 9mths. Most of them do need to be removed.

And yes I could go into my room and shut the door. I have done this on a number of ocassions but with DC4's nursery being a sort of ante room off ours, Sara does tend to be in and out and I feel like a twat saying "please do not disturb us" Also the older DC's have a tendency to run in and out and I know sara then feels she must stop them so she will come into my room.

I try not to be uptight about it (really I do) but earlier this week there was me on the bed in my jeans and bra feeding, DC1 and DC2 running around like loons, DC3 trying to empty a drawer and sara trying to organise them, once this was done she sat on the bed to talk to me and I just felt a little uncomfortable about it all. I'd been chatting whilst she was actively involved in sorting the kids so again would have felt like a total knob saying "could you now leave"

OP posts:

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