to feel awkward about lesbian nanny

[WhatTheNannySaw]

I have name changed, for obvious reasons really as I am well prepared to get a flaming and would prefer that particular spectre not to follow me round MN.

I am also fairly ashamed/embarassed that I feel like this, it doesn't square with how I have previously viewed myself as pretty liberal and relaxed about everything and as such I have got myself fairly stressed about the situation and would really welcome some brutal honesty.

About a month ago I employed a new live in nanny, lets call her Sara. I wasn't aware that she was gay when I employed her. She is great with the children and I have absolutely no issue with that side of things, I should also stress that there is no question of her losing her job because of her sexuality, I realise that this is my problem not hers.

The problem is I just can't relax, it is not that I imagine that she fancies me but I suppose I feel the same as if there was another man in the house - I would be concious of the way that I dress, be more covered up etc and so I am with her around and as a result I am not doing the things I usually would.

DC4 has a room off mine, which means Sara sometimes sees me getting dressed or with a towel wrapped round me. In the morning I would come down a breakfast time in shorts and a cami PJ's but now feel uncomfortable. I am also more concious of getting my boobs out when I BF DC4.

I am being ridiculous aren't I? And I know I am behaving like a twat but I can't help but feel all wrong in my own house.

You can not possibly be unaware that to thump means to punch whatever its colloquial meaning.

WTNS, personally I don't think you ave anything to worry about. You are not discriminating against her and have no plans to sack her.

All you are trying to do is work through some unexpected feelings. As long as you do not make the nanny aware of this and treat her as you would any other person you don't deserve the kicking you've got from some people here.

Make small changes to make yourself get comfortable and soon you'll forget it was ever an issue. It's only been a month.

SoupDragon Is there an issue here? Its a colloquialism. Meant in the most non-violent way. It is something I would write on an Irish forum, but have obviously forgotton that some things do not translate well on other boards. I have explained this to the OP. I dont know why I have to explain it to you, or why you have taken such offense and to call me dense...

So please take your sniping elsewhere please, I am sure that your posts, as well as mine are certainly not helping the OP.

Everyone needs a good thump from time to time. Relax about the phrase, would you?

(I missed the 't' the first time i wrote that: Everyone also needs a good hump from time to time, too!)

tee2072 I also thought I made it clear that I was not going to sack her

Seeker thank you for your post I am sure I will get used to it.

I had the older DC's nanny for a long time and I am trying to recall what it was like in the early days/months. I suppose over time we did develop a very good relationship and so for example I would think nothing of it if she came into my bedroom to discuss something and I was standing there doing up my blouse. Equally, when my DH was away on business she wouldn't bother to get "covered" before coming out of her room e.g. she might just wonder down in her PJ bottoms and a cami (I'm pretty sure she didn't cover up cos she thought DH fancied her, more to do with her own modesty)

Those of you saying you wouldn't want to see your boss naked, I agree. but (apart from the fact I am not talking about cavorting around with my bush out) it is different when you have someone in your home. The relationship is very different because the environement is home for both boss and employee.

wheresmejumper I did read your post as saying you wanted to punch me, I have never heard the word thump used otherwise but I will take your word that was not what was intended and be relieved that my behaviour is (not quite) worth that.

Puts the dictionary away and hands out
OP, I know you said that you don't know why you feel that way with a man in the house, but if it's the exact same way you feel with Sara, I think you need to try and figure out why, so you can stop feeling that way with your female nanny. The alternatives that I can see are to get back into you maternity tops and cover up, or to just continue feeling awkward and put up with it.

Thanks OP, Im glad thats sorted. No behaviour is worth a punch..unless someone eats my secret stash of chocolate..Im not responsible for my actions then!

I have a female friend that I often used to share a bed with (in a very normal, platonic way). 18 months down the line she 'comes out of the closet' and it is a surprise because she wasn't exactly shy around the male species!

Anyway, even after she declared herself gay, I would still share a bed with her (she often stayed at my house and the sofa-bed was broken). Never thought anything of it. I guess it is something you either are or are not comfortable with. YABU because she is unlikely to jump your bones when you least expect it. You'll get used to it eventually. Well I hope you do.

Does it help to think of her as a professional doing her job? So just as a nurse or doctor might see you undressed in some situations, if she's a nanny working in a home with a small baby, chances are she's going to see the mum breastfeeding at some point. To her I'm sure it's just a normal everyday thing.

You could just close the door when you're getting dressed, if you prefer a bit of privacy - I'd probably do that regardless of the gender/sexuality of the other person as I'd just feel more comfortable that way.

Otherwise I don't think it's an issue at all. Assuming she behaves professionally and doesn't do or say anything inappropriate, her sexuality is her business and shouldn't affect you at all.

Is this the first time you've had a live-in nanny? Maybe you just need to adjust to having another adult in your home, it can take a bit of getting used to.

mrsmango do you not feel strange with a man you are not in a relationship with seeing you dressed less modestly? Sorry to turn it around on you but I genuinely didn't consider it to be an issue that I wouldn't want a man seeing me in varying degrees of undress - I thought it was a very common view and the reason why, in this country at least we have seperate male and female changing rooms.

Maybe the feeling isn't exactly the same as with a man, additionally I suppose i feel differently with different men.

Oh I don't know what it is I can't unravel it in my mind.

But just to reiterate in case any of the first posters still don't get it: I don't think she is secretly lusting after my milky tits It was just one example out of many that makes me feel for want of a better word odd.

do you not know any lesbians you could talk this through with?

what's the nanny like? is she open? why not talk to her? i don't mean bombard her with all this but just ask her if she is seeing anyone, about ex's whatever - just get it all more 'normal' and out there for you.

tbh though gay or straight i wouldn't want to be exposed to an employee in the house. there is nothign wrong with wanting privacy when feeding in the morning - work out a system. there's nothing strange about not wanting to wander around in the house in cammi and shorts with an employee in the house - i personally wouldn't. and as an employee i'm not sure i'd want to see my employer naked or half dressed.

have you had a nanny before? because some of this sounds like normal boundaries stuff but because of your discomfort with her sexuality you are complicating it instead of just putting in boundaries where they feel appropriate.

I'm bisexual and have faced this problem with some female friends in their homes. I understand it. It's base animal instinct not to want to make yourself physically vulnerable around someone who may or may NOT find you attractive. No-one wants to be sized up in their own house.

On a basic level your Nanny will have decided if she fancies you or not but we are ALL like that. Everyone sizes up members of their desired sex as a purely instinctual thing. Unless they don't have eyes. A straight Nanny would know if she found your hubby attractive and he would make the same judgement back. We're animals. We are SUPPOSED to notice these things.

BUT

Noticing / not noticing is really irrelevant. Why she's there is what matters.

I've had to be quite short with friends who can't apply logic to what instinct is telling them and I have sadly lost some along the way. It pisses me off that they can't get passed what my sexuality is to embrace a friendship with me. One former friengot quite an earful for refusing to go to the dressing room with me.

I should add that my sexuality isn't overt- especially with my being married to a man -but it's no secret either as it comes up in casual conversation (who we all fancy, former experience etc)

Please make effort to deal with your feelings sensitively and fairly. You could be missing out on a wonderful friendship.

Completely agree with seeker.

FWIW Our nanny wasn't live in, but even so can be hard to get used to someone working in your home. It turns your private space into a public space and some adjustments have to be made no matter who the nanny is.

Perhaps it would help to see your discomfort in this light? People often want to treat nannies as part of the family, but it might be better to extend a bit of professional distance and remember that while it's your home, it's also her her place of work.

Ephiny you may have put this better

I don't think I would like to make a Nanny, regardless of her sexuality, uncomfortable by being naked/semi naked. Just get dressed.

I think the way you feel is understandable.

But you know it's slightly irrational, so just allow yourself some more time to get used to it.

I don't feel comfortable being dressed less modestly in front of anyone (except DH and DD) even my mum! I don't think you not wanting to be undressed in front of a man is an issue either. It's certainly not uncommon. But your nanny isn't a man. I think if you could figure out why a man would make you feel like that, then you could apply that reasoning in reverse to get your head around being more comfortable around your nanny. Sorry if I'm not explaining that very well.

It"s egocentric in the extreme to think she might fancy you - do you think all men do? That is one of the things most of my gay friends find so tedious; people's assumption that they are are so irrisistible nobody will be able to resist making a move. Get a grip.

Oh Ffs, read the op before commenting!

OP do you think you may get over feeling like this when she has been with you a bit longer? I think it's a shame you feel so uncomfortable around this woman, especially in your own home. Really, you KNOW the fact that she is a lesbian should not matter at all and perhaps if you just look at her as the person you have trusted to help look after your children, and not 'a lesbian' you may feel better about everything.

Well said megatron

You need to stop seeing your nanny in terms of her sexuality, OP, and just see her as a person first and foremost.

Indeed, selks.

At least you realise you are wrong to feel like this. I suppose it is not the OP who should be blamed but the often inaccurate portrayal of gay people on TV (eg all gay men being promiscuous, all lesbians being butch etc - to be fair I haven't watched TV much lately but I doubt the stereotyping has entirely stopped?) - what the OP is feeling is not unusual unfortunately.

Animals feel things viscerally. One of the things that makes human animals different is that they are aware that their visceral response to a situation is often wrong and we modify our behaviours appropriately. The op has a visceral response which she knows to be wrong and which she is dealing with. Stop trying to make her out to be a mad eyed homophobic bigot and respond to what she says rather than what you think she has said.