to feel awkward about lesbian nanny

[WhatTheNannySaw]

I have name changed, for obvious reasons really as I am well prepared to get a flaming and would prefer that particular spectre not to follow me round MN.

I am also fairly ashamed/embarassed that I feel like this, it doesn't square with how I have previously viewed myself as pretty liberal and relaxed about everything and as such I have got myself fairly stressed about the situation and would really welcome some brutal honesty.

About a month ago I employed a new live in nanny, lets call her Sara. I wasn't aware that she was gay when I employed her. She is great with the children and I have absolutely no issue with that side of things, I should also stress that there is no question of her losing her job because of her sexuality, I realise that this is my problem not hers.

The problem is I just can't relax, it is not that I imagine that she fancies me but I suppose I feel the same as if there was another man in the house - I would be concious of the way that I dress, be more covered up etc and so I am with her around and as a result I am not doing the things I usually would.

DC4 has a room off mine, which means Sara sometimes sees me getting dressed or with a towel wrapped round me. In the morning I would come down a breakfast time in shorts and a cami PJ's but now feel uncomfortable. I am also more concious of getting my boobs out when I BF DC4.

I am being ridiculous aren't I? And I know I am behaving like a twat but I can't help but feel all wrong in my own house.

YABVU. I can't believe I'm reading this!

Well, you obviously aren't reading it if that's your reaction.

seeker Indeed

I am afraid that its entirely your problem and issues that you need to get over. Just because she is a lesbian, does not mean that she wants to jump on you and have passionate sex! As long as she is good with the kids, and what you expect of a nanny than yes you do have to get over yourself. Close the door when changing, don't walk round with a bath towel round you. I would do that anyway when I have guests in the house no matter what sexual orientation they are.

Do you really walk around in cami and short pjs when you have ANYBODY else around in the house? Or change clothes with an open door? Are you a bit exhibitionist and suddenly scared that you may have an audience to play to?

Or, are you .... curious?

mrsmango thank you for answering - at the risk of attracting more comments about my being an egocentric, vain, homophobe I suppose the reason I would feel uncomfortable with a man is because of the possibility that there might be some sort of underlying sexual attraction even if it is not acknowledged.

I suppose I do "size up" men I meet - zombi you put this so much more eloquently than me and I appreciate your post and I have always imagined that most men do the same. It is not that I expect any man to fancy me but there is an issue that I might be being "checked out", even if it is with a view to how much I fall short of the mark IYKWIM.

sunnydelight it is stupid in the extreme to comment without reading a thread, or perhaps you simply can't? I have repeatedly made it clear that I don't think she facncies me. Including in the OP.

To all those that asked no this is not my first nanny - and yes I need to remember what it was like in the early days with my last nanny. Our household is fairly relaxed, but busy, I am around a lot and previous nannies have always become very much part of the family and lines do become a bit blurred (in a good way) but I suppose that is something that comes with time.

Rereading this thread I am aware I may have given the impression that I run around naked but honestly I don't We have plenty of space and if I was feeding DD in the living room there are many other places Sara could be so I really don't see this as a case of me forcing my naked presence on her but she will sometimes seek me out whilst I am feeding the youngest - I suppose with 4 under 8 it is the best opportunity for us to get to chat, and often just passes through.

lots of very helpful (and kind) posts though so thanks.

You are being little bit funny!!!! So,basically,just because of her being lesbian,you think she fancies you???? Or ,you are bit unease when you are BF your DC4??? O my goodness.
Did she indicate anything or was she behaving in inappropriate way?? From my understanding no -so YABVVU to,first of all feel awkward and second,that she finds you attractive. It's in your head.

If she is good with your children and otherwise respectful , relax and enjoy and be happy ---and i would say that to any employer about their employee.
And ,by the way,bit curious ,how do you know what is her sexual orientation? Did she tell you or you were checking on her (facebook etc...)
My advice,chill......

Well, you are being ridiculous but that's not really what you're asking, is it?

Why not just cover up around her (e.g. stop breast-feeding your daughter since this seems to be causing you the most angst) and get to know Sara as a person/employee rather than imagining that she is walking round with a T-shirt on saying "I'm a LESBIAN and I'm WATCHING YOU".

Do you work? If so, just grin and bear it until you go back to the office and have less time at home.

So what if you are bf, don't you bf when out and about and all types of people are walking about. Really it is your issue. If your that hung up on bf in front of her get a bf cover then! She is your nanny of course she wants to talk to you about things to do with YOUR kids.

QS not curious honest

But walking round in shorts cami is hardly outrageous is it? I'm talking about the stuff you buy in M&S sleepwear not Ann Summers. I mean obviously if I have friends over for lunch I tend to get dressed but if it is my neighbours turn to do the school run I'll quite happily answer the door to her like that and if guests stay over night i'd potter around in the kitchen like that until after the bacon has been fried.

O just read your reply op. Well,basically,it's you and your problem...Shake it off and don't make situation awkward for yourself and her. She probably wont have clue why are you being tensed ---no need to say,people feel it!!
And as i said ,if she is good,enjoy and be happy that your kids are well looked after....

You know YABU. I can't believe I'm reading this.

I'm prepared to be flamed back for this comment but you appear to not to work from the comments you've made. If so, why don't you look after your own kids and then you won't have to worry about the nanny ogling you.

What if your neighbour secretly fancies you????

Look on the bright side, she won't shag your DH

HA HA A1980--most likely you will be flamed -but secretly i agree with you

O i love posts like this on windy mornings,they make me happy and,yes, SirSugar---maybe husband should be worried

Oh god some of you are hard work - are you even reading what I am writing?!

piglet i have explained that i don't bf when I am out. I have no issue with her wanting to talk about MY kids.

This is my home as well as, for the present time Sara's. we all need to be comfortable and it is finding a balance bewteen constantly feeling the need to be covered when most of us wouldn't in our own homes and feeling exposed.

And in case there are still a few thickies who haven't heard me I DONT THINK SHE WANTS TO SHAG ME.

I don't know why it's ridiculous to feel something. If she was even hinting that she was going to treat the nanny prejudiciously or unfairly, yes, but as it is the OP is just uncomfortable with the idea of someone who will view her as a sexual being (whether she fancies her or not) being around the house. No, the nanny is not a man. No, she probably doesn't fancy her and she certainly won't make a pass. However, like all humans who are attracted to other humans of a particular gender, she will have sized up her attractiveness for better or for worse, even if at a subconscious level, and this is something that can be uncomfortable in a situation where an employee is in the home.

I am not particularly confident about my body or my looks in the slightest and I never consider a man will "fancy" me or want me, but I would feel uncomfortable being in any state of undress (e.g. pyjamas/dressing gown) around a man working in my home e.g. the gas man etc. One might argue this is because men are potentially more predatory, but I think it is as much to do with not really wanting to think even fleetingly about the sexual aspect of when two members of the opposite sex who are hetero meet. I have a good number of lesbian friends and acquaintances, and the dynamic can be different and sometimes almost flirtatious in an office-banter type of way even though I am straight. We are comfortable with this as we are friends but it is that very slight difference that doesn't mean we are about to rip eachother's clothes off or even that we have the vaguest inclination in that direction, just that there is a recognition of that difference between us. Lots of men and women have this, for want of a better word "chemistry", even though they really don't have any thoughts of doing anything even vaguely sexual with eachother. It's just a difference.

I suppose a great many women have lesbian feelings of their own, however covert, and this may complicate things.

Also, women can be quite uncomfortable about their bodies and their boobs anyway after having a baby.

And learning to adjust to having an employee in the home, gay, straight, bi or asexual, is also a challenge.

It's worth exploring without screeching "RIDICULOUS HOMOPHOBE!" I think.

I agree with what seeker said.

I don't think the OP deserves a flaming for this. She's having feelings that she's trying to understand and deal with.

I think that, if you choose to employee a live in nanny/ other live in employee, then you do have to make some adjustments. It must be hugely helpful to have someone to look after the children, et but you have to accept that there are some disadvantages too. Obviously, you know this having had other nannies but this nanny is new and you need to get used to each other.

You can't pop downstairs without any clothes on/ snog your husband in front of her, say exactly the same things that you could within your family, etc.

I think that you need to adjust the way that you BF. There is no real need to take your top off to BF, it's just a habit that you have. Perhaps you just need to get out of this habit and cover yourself as you would if you were feeding in public (i.e. with a top/ bra). I'm not sure why she needs to keep going in and out of DC4's bedroom while you are feeding. If she is putting laundry away or something, it could be done later, surely.

sirsugar every cloud and all that

A1980 cos i'm too busy having blow dries and getting my nails done, or maybe I'm too busy looking after a seriously ill relative and juggling 2 SN kids or maybe it's much more mundane and like millions of other mums I just have a job to support my family.

I think you might feel better if you buy some bf'ding tops that you can lift up rather than take off.

But I will admit I much prefer to do this than even have a top with buttons.

Time will sort this one out, you will just get used to her and relax. Wouldn't worry about it too much.

In your shoes I would question myself, just as you are doing

Personally, I would not walk around like that. The "problem" seems to be more related to the fact that you like to walk around in a state of semi undress!

In the name of Decency, COVER UP! You have another adult living with you now, who is not family, it is no longer appropriate regardless of gender and sexual orientation.

I had an au pair like that. It made me uncomfortable. Most likely your nanny, whether she is straight or gay, will be uncomfortable with your dressing habits.

Get a dressing gown, or long trouser pjs rather than shorts. It is winter now anyway. By summer you may be comfortable enough to wear short pjs and cami with her around. (But honestly, you shouldnt)

OP no I dont think some people are reading what you say before making comments - its not a long thread and its very easy just to read OPs posts as you can highlight them - how many people are still going on about OP assuming the Nanny fancies her!