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Original poster

To not understand why he hasn't proposed yet...?

287 replies

Tanz825 · 01/01/2012 20:02

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 5 and a half years now and he still hasn't asked me to marry him. We have been living together for 4 years and have bought our own house together last year and are living there with our 9 month old daughter. There has always been talk of getting married ever since very early in our relationship, not just from myself but from my partner too but he still hasn't asked me to marry him. I'm starting to wonder why and sometime get upset about it because he knows how important it is to me. I wouldnt be so upset but he keeps referring to where we might get married (abroad) but he hasn't asked me yet and it's like pouring salt in a wound. Over Christmas two of my friends have got engaged and they have been together half the time we have which I was so happy for them but at the same time I felt like it was my turn. His family keep asking him why he's waiting and he just says theirs no rush. He is a romantic at heart and I believe he wants it to be perfect he says we can't afford it. I think hes setting his expectations to high, which is lovely but i dont care about those fancy things. He also thinks that once we get engaged I'll want to get married straight away which is not the case. I've told him I don't care about fancy rings or a big wedding all I want is to be married to him and have the same name as him and my daughter and be his wife. I just feel like the longer were together the less he thinks it matters and that he's just taking his time because he knows he can. Iv thought about asking him but he said a while ago that if I ever ask him he'll say no coz that's his job. I know I may sound selfish but it's getting to me and I'm feeling a little resentful which I don't like. Anyone know how I can't stop feeling like this? I generally just push it to the back of my mind but then something comes up about marriage or engagements and I get a hollow feeling in the pit on my stomach and all those feeling come back. I know I shouldn't feel like this and I should just wait till he's ready, which I will, but In the mean time I need to find a way to block these sad feeling. Anyone have and suggestions?

Thanx
Tanya

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 01/01/2012 20:04

I can't read all that without paragraphs, sorry. I suggest you discuss it with him and agree a date when you would like to get married, then get married on that date.

MmeLindor. · 01/01/2012 20:06

It is a Leap Year this year.

Ask him.

Flisspaps · 01/01/2012 20:06

I honestly think the more you push it (even with tiny mentions, very occasionally) then the longer it will take.

DH and I discussed marriage and weddings before we were engaged. He made it very clear that he would ask when he was ready, and not before. He wanted it to be a surprise and to not feel he was doing it because he 'had' to.

You might not care about those 'fancy' things, but perhaps your DP does - he says he wants it to be perfect, and perhaps he actually means it, rather than just putting it off because 'he knows he can'. Put the shoe on the other foot - imagine you wanted it all to be perfect, but he didn't and yet he made you feel as though you had to compromise your dream in order to just get it done with.

Of course you could always ask him to marry you, this is 2012 after all Wink

OldMumsy · 01/01/2012 20:07

Tell him that it makes you feel he doesn't value you and it is corroding your relationship. He will either commit or release you to find the right person.

MmeLindor. · 01/01/2012 20:07

In fact, who cares if it is a leap year.

"I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?"

Do it now.

We will wait :o

EuphemiaAtHogmanay · 01/01/2012 20:07

Bugger Leap Years: it's 2012 - ask him!

ZillionChocolate · 01/01/2012 20:09

What do you want most, the proposal, the wedding or the marriage?

Lueji · 01/01/2012 20:10

Do ask him!

hwjm1945 · 01/01/2012 20:14

why on earth do you have to wait like a good girl for him to "ask" you to marry him? I can't believe that you would do that, if indeed marraige is so important to you. ask him yourself. what is more imprtant to you, being married or the outdated idea of being asked ot be someone'e lovely bride? If the former then just aks him, if he says no, you know where yuo stand.

Xmasbaby11 · 01/01/2012 20:17

You had a child with him before marriage and you bought a house together - and he still doesn't think the time is right? It you feel so strongly about marriage, I don't know why you agreed to have children with him without it.

Sorry - it's only my opinion.

gothicmama · 01/01/2012 20:18

Think what you want if it's the same name consider deed poll and wait till he is ready . If it is cos you feel it is something you need to feel secure or because it is the'norm' let him know that is why and acknowledghe how he may feel presirised by family etc

noblegiraffe · 01/01/2012 20:20

Tell him that you are going to plan a wedding for next summer so if he wants to propose he needs to get a shift on.

troisgarcons · 01/01/2012 20:22

Agree with XmasBaby

You don't buy the cow when you get the milk for free.

molly3478 · 01/01/2012 20:25

Hes obviously making excuses and to me it sounds like he doesnt want to marry you. Anyway would you want to marry him if you had to beg and force him to do it. Tbh if he wanted to do it he would of done it a long time ago

emsyj · 01/01/2012 20:29

Why hasn't he asked you? Because he doesn't want to.
Hope that helps.

JustHecate · 01/01/2012 20:33

I don't want to be cruel, but there is only ever one reason why someone doesn't ask you to marry them.

It's because they don't wish to marry you.

I'm not saying he never will. But right now - it's not what he wants. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you. It just means he - right now - doesn't want to get married to you, or start down that road with you.

When he wants to marry you - he'll ask you.

Or you could ask him. Maybe he'll say yes. But he knows how you feel and he hasn't asked you, so would he say yes if you asked him? and if he did, would it be for the right reasons?

olgaga · 01/01/2012 20:34

Oh dear. Agree with noblegiraffe. Tell him a wedding, whenever it is, needs to be organised - if he wants anyone you both know to be there.

I'm sorry it's this way for you, having had a child first. It does rather limit your options.

Ultimately it depends on how strongly you feel. But you are quite reasonable in wanting the protection and security marriage brings.

Make it clear to him that you expect to be planning a wedding this year. If he doesn't come up with a proposal within 6 months, I'd plan my exit. Don't go on waiting forever, and for goodness sake, don't have any more of his kids until he takes responsibility and shows you he is committed to you and your child.

You sound young enough to get a better deal than this.

scottishmummy · 01/01/2012 20:35

he's not asked because he doesn't want to get married
so stop banging on,stop hinting

TheAvocadoOfWisdom · 01/01/2012 20:36

Hello. Do you live in a remote archipelago off the windswept coast of outer space in 45545456 BC? There's this concept called feminism which has got into people's heads in the last century or two and the idea is that men and women are equal.

So nowadays, you don't have to sit there like a nice little girl waiting to see if the nice man is going to ask you today, if you've been good enough, and keep quiet if not. You're allowed to ask him yourself. It's not like being married is signing up to a contract where you become his property and the object of his general benevolence any more, honest.

squeakytoy · 01/01/2012 20:37

most people get married because the natural progression in a relationship is to get engaged, buy a house/live together.. get married, then have kids.

why does he need to marry you? you are tied to him for life now anyway..

laluna · 01/01/2012 20:39

Agree with previous posters - he has nothing to ask you for. You are living together, you have the house and the baby - you have it all really. Being married is no different in practical terms.

olgaga · 01/01/2012 20:40

Ah, scottishmummy again, giving us the benefit of her own sad experience. Take no notice, OP - it doesn't have to be like that unless you particularly want to spend your life thinking up excuses for your partner.

thepeoplesprincess · 01/01/2012 20:40

It obviously isn't as important to him as it is to you right now, for whatever reason.

So start planning it yourself.

starsintheireyes · 01/01/2012 20:41

I agree with what others have said tbh, say 6-12months and if he still hasnt, get out?
I was engaged 8! yes 8yrs but no plans were ever discussed and no date set. split after 9yrs+3kids and now 10months on from splitting hes met someone else and is going to marry her in june!

Without sounding harsh, Ive heard and seen it so many times recently - the bloke wont propose or set a date, then relationship breaks down and hey presto guy meets someone else and gets married 6/12months on

scottishmummy · 01/01/2012 20:43

do you plan address others who made same point,olga
or just me?

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