To not understand why he hasn't proposed yet...?

[Tanz825]

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 5 and a half years now and he still hasn't asked me to marry him. We have been living together for 4 years and have bought our own house together last year and are living there with our 9 month old daughter. There has always been talk of getting married ever since very early in our relationship, not just from myself but from my partner too but he still hasn't asked me to marry him. I'm starting to wonder why and sometime get upset about it because he knows how important it is to me. I wouldnt be so upset but he keeps referring to where we might get married (abroad) but he hasn't asked me yet and it's like pouring salt in a wound. Over Christmas two of my friends have got engaged and they have been together half the time we have which I was so happy for them but at the same time I felt like it was my turn. His family keep asking him why he's waiting and he just says theirs no rush. He is a romantic at heart and I believe he wants it to be perfect he says we can't afford it. I think hes setting his expectations to high, which is lovely but i dont care about those fancy things. He also thinks that once we get engaged I'll want to get married straight away which is not the case. I've told him I don't care about fancy rings or a big wedding all I want is to be married to him and have the same name as him and my daughter and be his wife. I just feel like the longer were together the less he thinks it matters and that he's just taking his time because he knows he can. Iv thought about asking him but he said a while ago that if I ever ask him he'll say no coz that's his job. I know I may sound selfish but it's getting to me and I'm feeling a little resentful which I don't like. Anyone know how I can't stop feeling like this? I generally just push it to the back of my mind but then something comes up about marriage or engagements and I get a hollow feeling in the pit on my stomach and all those feeling come back. I know I shouldn't feel like this and I should just wait till he's ready, which I will, but In the mean time I need to find a way to block these sad feeling. Anyone have and suggestions?

Thanx
Tanya

I've got two children, a house, a chap who does the washing and whose pension I do have rights to. And wills, obviously.

If you give it all alway with out requiring comintment what do you expect

Is a long time, cohabiting relationship not a commitment? A house? A child?

Why does there have to be something sinister behind wanting something but not being 'ready' for it yet? Happens to me all the time, I wouldn't say it was worth throwing away an otherwise happy relationship for.

I'm not really sure what I've 'given', in any case...I hate to confess this but I had actually had sex before I met Mr Inferior

you slaaaaaaaaaaaaaag.

"Should of roundly told him marrige first children"

Why? Perhaps her priorities at the time were that she wanted a child and marriage at that time was not the most important thing. You can, after all, get married at any age. Having children becomes more problematic the older you get.

"If you give it all alway with out requiring comintment what do you expect"

I imagine she expected marriage would follow. It does for many people. Is it so difficult to understand?

I think marriage must mean something different to those who feel "ready" to have a child and shared house with a man but not "ready" to marry him and the same for men who behave like this to women.
I don't get the "special moment" when you propose thing.
To me getting married is a serious committment to a man and a sign I want to try and make the relationship work long term and possibly have children. If you decide to live with a man and have children with him without getting married than marriage is meaningless apart from the security you have for the lower waged if you separate/ wills etc. I agree some of the legal stuff can be sorted without getting married but getting married doesn't have to be that complex and sorts most things out in a short ceremony.
If you want special proposals, fancy engagements and an expensive wedding then getting married does become more of a big hurdle you have to get worked up for before you jump over it, and pointless if you are already together from a higher earning bloke's point of view.

"If you decide to live with a man and have children with him without getting married than marriage is meaningless..."

No it isn't. That's rather a blinkered view IMO. I am firmly in the marriage-before-children camp but that doesn't stop me seeing the marriage of people who already have children together as being special.

It seems that, in the eyes of the OPs DP, everyone around them is getting engaged, everyone expects them to get engaged and he feels pressured into doing it. In that scenario, being able to propose somewhere meaningful and in a special way negates all the expectations around them. When people say "Oh, so you're finally engaged then!" they will be able to say "yes, we went to blah blah blah" and makes it a special moment (as it is for couples with 'surprise' engagements) rather than something dull and practical.

In this case, provided he doesn't drag it out for ages and it isn't just an excuse I can't see the problem.

I'm someone who really felt that I wanted to get married before children, however, due to different circumstances the wedding had to get put back and put back. In the end we decided we would have our first child and get married straight after as I felt very broody and wanted children while I was young. So caught up in lo for first year, then decided we would try for number 2 rather than plan a wedding. Number 2 came along and then decided we'd quite like dc2 to be old enough to be part of the ceremony. Fast forward to today, we've been together 8 years, 2 kids, live together, so according to a lot of these posts I've had it. No chance of ever getting married now and somehow it's MY fault as I should have pressured, forced, coerced him into marriage before dc's came along and now, because I haven't, any marriage would be meaningless (other than for my own financial gains). Now I feel really stupid and naive for falling in love and following my heart.

Why?

Because now she is stuck with a relationship with a man who cant seem to get his finger out, and she yearns for marriage, and he doesn't seem to want to progress the relationship, despite a home and a child.

"she is stuck with a relationship with a man who cant seem to get his finger out"

No she isn't. She's not stuck anywhere. As she herself says "no matter what happens even if we never end up getting married I love him and he loves me and is that really worth throwing away over marriage. I would much rather have the man I love in my life than not have him in it because he didn't propose by X date"

I missed that the op had gained some insight along the way, Soupy.

Glad to see it.