To not understand why he hasn't proposed yet...?

[Tanz825]

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 5 and a half years now and he still hasn't asked me to marry him. We have been living together for 4 years and have bought our own house together last year and are living there with our 9 month old daughter. There has always been talk of getting married ever since very early in our relationship, not just from myself but from my partner too but he still hasn't asked me to marry him. I'm starting to wonder why and sometime get upset about it because he knows how important it is to me. I wouldnt be so upset but he keeps referring to where we might get married (abroad) but he hasn't asked me yet and it's like pouring salt in a wound. Over Christmas two of my friends have got engaged and they have been together half the time we have which I was so happy for them but at the same time I felt like it was my turn. His family keep asking him why he's waiting and he just says theirs no rush. He is a romantic at heart and I believe he wants it to be perfect he says we can't afford it. I think hes setting his expectations to high, which is lovely but i dont care about those fancy things. He also thinks that once we get engaged I'll want to get married straight away which is not the case. I've told him I don't care about fancy rings or a big wedding all I want is to be married to him and have the same name as him and my daughter and be his wife. I just feel like the longer were together the less he thinks it matters and that he's just taking his time because he knows he can. Iv thought about asking him but he said a while ago that if I ever ask him he'll say no coz that's his job. I know I may sound selfish but it's getting to me and I'm feeling a little resentful which I don't like. Anyone know how I can't stop feeling like this? I generally just push it to the back of my mind but then something comes up about marriage or engagements and I get a hollow feeling in the pit on my stomach and all those feeling come back. I know I shouldn't feel like this and I should just wait till he's ready, which I will, but In the mean time I need to find a way to block these sad feeling. Anyone have and suggestions?

Thanx
Tanya

kiwi,what a cliched post are you a life coach?
you couldn't make that stuff up, priceless
you got the power, yo yo go hear woo-man roar

you see the op cannot compel or cajole her dp to marry h.she can't power walk him up the aisle either. in fact the decision maker, and one who will determine when they marry is the op partner.she has already put her cards on table. he has not married her yet. so regardless of what ever inferred "power" you allude to kiwi,it looks pretty defunct. five and half years on...what power?

not much has changed for op
she wants to marry,but wont make ultimatum
he still hasn't set a date,no firm commitment.he doesn't want to marry.
now this naturally could change, and he may decide to marry. that choice will come from him, be under his volition.
it won't be as result of some woo hoo woman's powers

Not changed yourself either scottish

still as obnoxious, intolerant and condescending as ever

"Me and my partner have been together 5 and a half years now and he still hasn't asked me to marry him. We have been living together for 4 years and have bought our own house together last year and are living there with our 9 month old daughter"

You've answered your own question. Why does he need to marry you ? He has everything that a marriage offers without having to do it.
All my friends waited years and years to get married - I refused to live with DH and we were married within 2.5 years of meeting. I appreciate that that horse has bolted for you but that's my take on it

and you give measured response as a default?
without resorting to name calling...

kiwi post is absolute brag -3 marriage proposals I tell ya...how many did you say again op...?
and you is woo-man op, roar and use your power

I agree with kiwiinkits. In 2012 I see getting married as a joint decision. I wouldn't have a child with a man I wasn't married to and probably wouldn't choose to live with a man for years on end without marriage, I'd rather live alone.
This idea of the "perfect proposal" strikes me as very Disneyish for adults. The point of getting married is to be married and have that legal and society recognised bond. The proposal, engagement, wedding are all irrelevent compared to that.
Having said that I suspect if this my second marriage were to end I probably wouldn't marry again as I wouldn't have more kids and wouldn't want the legal hassle and earn enough to support myself.
I would never want to be in a relationship that was that unequal that I was expected to wait prettily on the sidelines until HE decided I was worthy of marrying.
It's the power imbalance that is the problem in this relationship. I would rapidly grow to hate a man like this, who didn't regard my opinion as equal to his.

op might well use homeopathy to get op up aisle
you got the power sure hasn't worked,has it?

his perfect proposal sounds a bitty whimsy and a big bit stalling

but pragmatically, the op and her dp should make wills, nok and adequate provision until they get married

Scottishmummy, your snide remarks are pitiful. Why do you have so much anger towards married women who express an opinion about the disadvantages of cohabitation?

advocating you got "the power" go girl to resolve, a difficult issue is trite and might sound good if you say it fast, but in fact says more about massaging your own ego than situation op finds herself in

and yes if you are going for this woo hoo stuff
maybe try
hypnotherapy
homeopathy
mooncups
....all as likely to work as "the power"

op has in fact came to a sensible resolution, she has a good partner, baby they love,and she's happy with that at the mo

She's not happy with it though, is she? In fact, she hates the situation. Why shouldn't she do so.mething about it? Should she deny her feelings? What would be the point of that? If op wanted a promotion at work would we advise her to a) waft about waiting for the promotion to come spontaneously from her boss, b) try to convince herself she's happy with her current role and doesn't want the promotion after all, or c) do something about it, like talking to her boss about upskilling and a timeline for moving up the ladder. You get jack shit in this life if you're not prepared to take charge of your own destiny. Nothing woo about that.

Goodness me what wishy washy bull, Tanz!

Is your dp a china doll?

It is his engagement also, and his proposal, which is why it is not forthcoming?
Because there is pressure from family, and some friends got engage, this means he cant propose to you? Because it wont be right?

Do you EVER think it will be right for this "man"?

If marriage was so important to you, why did you go on to buy a house with him, and have a baby, if he has not yet committed to marry you?

right kiwi,less oprah more sense there! less of the power talk

ideally yes people should have
plan,
a strategy
and work out potential options
the what ifs

so in op case the plan was :
marriage

strategy was:
loosely talked about marriage, no def date set,proceeded to live together,
have baby,buy house

potential options:
remain cohabitant, as have been
marry soon
marry at undefined period

what ifs
marry, as discussed and set date
don't marry-happy to remain cohabitant
ultimatum not an option

as op has said her decision is remain cohabitant with man she loves,and their baby. until her partner feels time right for him to marry.op cards are on table, she'd marry now

so how much preparation will it take exactly to execute this 'perfect' proposal?

So, should he be forced into proposing before he is ready to do it?

If he's not "ready" after 5 years and a child when will he be ready?
This is why I couldn't live with a bloke like this. I'm either someone who he wants to share his life and his worldly goods with or I'm not. If he's not sure I'm not playing house with him whilst he decides whether or not there may be someone better round the corner.

So, should he be forced into proposing before he is ready to do it?

no, but he should be forced to draw up a will and all that is neccessary to secure her future should something happen or should they separate. it is much more complicated doing that than just going to the registrars office.

yes to wills,nok and adequate provision eg property

pension, if he public sector eg nhs,fireservice, local authority, police he can nominate unmarried partner.increasingly, private businesses offer nominate unmarried partner as beneficiary

nok for health, easy to do. notify gp in writing. get a nok ifo and card and nok info web page and free nok card for a Sae

if unmarried do be sensible and see a solicitor,make adequate provisions

OP - I was in a similar situation to you until this year, I wanted to get married, OH said he did but wasn't sure when.

After 12 years - haha, yes 12 - I had a think to myself, what was more important, being married to him, or being with him. I chose being with him. I stopped mentioning marriage at all, acted completely blase about the whole thing and concentrated on the relationship we had, which was great.

Within 6 months he proposed - went to London, designed me a ring, asked my Dad in secret and everything. We got married in April, my 3yr old was our flower girl.

It was wonderful.

I think he just wanted the proposal to be on his terms, oh and he's definitely paying more for his milk now, because we've got married, I am demanding am politely requesting another baby

2 months after our 1st wedding anniversary we will have been together 15 years. Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing.

sounds lovely, nice to have your wee girl at wedding

Because he has had the milk with out having to buy the cow

I would not allow my bf to move in or stay more over more than two nights unless we were engaged he new right from the get go our relationship would never progress with a a promise to marry

I was engaged with in a year an married with in two by the time we were we'd we had been together for 3 years

Sorry to say this but most men I very driven when it's somthing they really want and will marry if they want to he just dosent want t o like starsinyoureyes says I know so many who have been with somone for years and years they split up and with in months their ex is enganaged to somone elese

I said on another thread like this if he dosent know by now he wants to spend the rest of his life with you

Time to rethink and also if having a child is seen as less comintment then getting married I would be very worried

"If he's not "ready" after 5 years and a child when will he be ready?"

He explained to the OP. He is ready but wants the moment to be right and not just because he is pressured into it.

that's a sexist analogy,but you're doggedly sticking with it i see

she's entitled to have consensual sex with her partner if she wishes, and this doesn't mean she gave away her charms too easily. if only shed been more chaste she'd be married,is that what you mean maypole

what's the alternative only give away ones "milk" on production of a ring?

Really wants the moment to be right or wants some breathing space to think of a reason why not

Then before you know it sorry honey no money for a wedding lets save for 5 more years and make it special hmmmm

The right time probably would have been before a house and a child

If he's not ready to marry surely he's not ready for the longest commitment of a child which he already has

scottishmummy I don't mean like that mearly she had a child, brought a home

Should of roundly told him marrige first children , home after if you can't commit to me then why should I have a child with you

If you give it all alway with out requiring comintment what do you expect

'Always the woman, always saying, "I want marriage" but never taking the initiative to demand it for herself. '

Er...no. Quite a few of us are turning down frequent proposals. (Admittedly from the same bloke. I mean, to me from the same bloke. Not from passers-by struck by my incredible loveliness or anything.)

Me, I'm sticking to the milk without buying the, er, bull.