To not understand why he hasn't proposed yet...?

[Tanz825]

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 5 and a half years now and he still hasn't asked me to marry him. We have been living together for 4 years and have bought our own house together last year and are living there with our 9 month old daughter. There has always been talk of getting married ever since very early in our relationship, not just from myself but from my partner too but he still hasn't asked me to marry him. I'm starting to wonder why and sometime get upset about it because he knows how important it is to me. I wouldnt be so upset but he keeps referring to where we might get married (abroad) but he hasn't asked me yet and it's like pouring salt in a wound. Over Christmas two of my friends have got engaged and they have been together half the time we have which I was so happy for them but at the same time I felt like it was my turn. His family keep asking him why he's waiting and he just says theirs no rush. He is a romantic at heart and I believe he wants it to be perfect he says we can't afford it. I think hes setting his expectations to high, which is lovely but i dont care about those fancy things. He also thinks that once we get engaged I'll want to get married straight away which is not the case. I've told him I don't care about fancy rings or a big wedding all I want is to be married to him and have the same name as him and my daughter and be his wife. I just feel like the longer were together the less he thinks it matters and that he's just taking his time because he knows he can. Iv thought about asking him but he said a while ago that if I ever ask him he'll say no coz that's his job. I know I may sound selfish but it's getting to me and I'm feeling a little resentful which I don't like. Anyone know how I can't stop feeling like this? I generally just push it to the back of my mind but then something comes up about marriage or engagements and I get a hollow feeling in the pit on my stomach and all those feeling come back. I know I shouldn't feel like this and I should just wait till he's ready, which I will, but In the mean time I need to find a way to block these sad feeling. Anyone have and suggestions?

Thanx
Tanya

Actually I broke up with someone who asked me to marry him after about 3 mos. I thought he was sweet but deeply foolish.

Yonder- goodness me you read a lot into my post! Every relationship is different and everyone should go with their gut instinct. Both me and DH came from horrendously broken homes and by 6 weeks in we saw a kindred spirit in one another. We have been together nearly seven years now, married eight months after meeting.

Marriage isn't for everyone, some people don't feel they need it. Some relationships are only meant to be for a certain time in your life. There is no hard and fast rule.

However, in the OP's situation, I would be wondering why my DP hadn't proposed especially if he knew how happy it would make me.

Yonder, I have also dumped two people who proposed to me, but with DH it felt right very quickly and time has proved us right.

PS I am not some kind of amazing person that people propose to by the way. You should have seen THEM! I had lucky escapes from Mr I-Don't-Wash and Mr I-Am-Always-Drunk.

I'm amazed that so many people here resist reading the links I have provided, preferring to plough on regardless with the anecdotes which suit their agenda, rather than accept the facts.

Yes you can nominate a next of kin - but that's as far as it goes, and it has no status in law. It doesn't give you anything other than the opportunity to discuss medical treatment with clinical staff.

Yonder, the point is that many occupational pensions do allow you to nominate a beneficiary. But that needn't necessarily be a "next of kin", and if you're not married, on separation your status as a "nominated beneficiary" can be altered at the stroke of a pen. And how many people are in occupational pensions anyway? In 2010 it was 8.3m - the lowest figure since 1956. The fact remains though that if you are married, any pension pot is a joint asset which cannot be taken away without your agreement.

There is absolutely nothing you can do, as a cohabitor, to cover yourself in the event of death with regard to inheritance tax, state pension or bereavement benefit. You are not entitled to support in the event of a separation.

If you find it hard to accept this from me, how about a reputable agency like the CAB? Perhaps you might accept that they know what they're talking about?

Please read the link. Please accept that I am not banging on about this because I want everyone in the world to be married. As far as I'm concerned, it's entirely a personal matter.

But please don't go around spreading the lie that cohabitation gives you just as many rights as marriage. It doesn't. I just want everyone to know that.

130 posts in how is this shaping up for you op?

OP. He is not ready to marry you...yet. He may be in the future or he may not. I don't know and I suspect neither does he.

However the drip drip drip nagging isn't going to help, do you really want him to go through a ceremony he is clearly not yet comfortable with? That would potentially place more pressure on your relationship then preserving the status quo.

Why are you so desperate to be married? From what you've said, he is a committed father and partner: why not treasure that?

I have also been disturbed by the number of posters advocating 'give him til x date and then leave the bastard if there isn't a ring on your finger.' If the situation was reversed and a man was trying to bounce a woman into a marriage she wasn't 100% about by placing undue emotional pressure on her, he would be derided as a misogynist and a bully (and rightly so.)

op,don't follow the marriage by 20xx or else ultimatums
or the leave him sista
if as you say he's great partner,good dad then certainly dont be rash and do take stoke of what you have

I am by the poster who said unmarried couples are stigmatised in the school she works at
how discriminatory and plain horrible

OP, would asking him if he will be proposing soon help?
You could make an appointment for the 2 of you (let him know ahead of time) to see a lawyer and make sure legally you are taken care of if he dies. It isn't married, but makes sense to me. You have a child and property together after all. If he protests going, you can still go yourself. Set the wheels in motion.

if a teacher stigmatises kids not of married parents, well it speaks volumes of their values,ethos and impaired professionalism

Why would he buy the cow when he is getting the milk for free?

Just Living together is fine if you are both happy that way but if i was with a fella who didn't want a wife then i would stop acting like his wife.

comparing capable adult woman to cow giving away milk, because she has somehow apparently, given away her favours by being unmarried,well that is bizzare.and deeply sexist

whats the alternative?only give ones milk and favours on production of said ring,and marriage?really is a woman's worth and favours only to be traded for marriage...?

But marriage isn't just about sex. She is acting as a wife with none of the legal protection of being a wife. Why?

Does she cook, clean, shop for him? Does she have joint finances with him? does she support, listen to and act like he is an important part of her life towards him? look after him when he is ill, let him off doing the washing up because he has had a hard day, pick up his dry cleaning just because she is going into town and it will save him a job, buy a bottle of his favorite wine with the weekly shop when she would rather have something different, let him have a lie in on a saturday morning because he went out with the boys friday night?

All the little things that couples both married and unmarried do. But she wants to do them as his wife and not his partner. There is no middle ground here so she has limited choices she either forgets about marriage and lives in hope that one day he might decide to marry her and runs the risk that he never will and she will get bitter and even more resentful of him or she can stop letting him have all the benefits of having a wife without actually getting married.

Fucking hell, cantspel. Is that your idea of being a wife?

cook, clean, shop for him? buy him wine, and allow him to not do the dishes.

Ok, here is MmeLindor's idea of marriage.

In marriage, I promise to love, honour and cherish my husband. In sickness and and health and all that.

Marriage has NOTHING to do with the wedding or being a "wife".

And, to be really honest, the way in which couples relate to each other has nothing to do with marriage.

A good relationship is one where the partners respect each other, love each other, allow each other to be their own person. Where they are confident in each other's love and trust so that they can go out alone, but also enjoy each other's company.

You do not have to be married to have a good, steady solid relationship.

And please can we stop with the "to be financially secure" crap. Yes, legally you have a slightly better footing if you are married, but lets be honest. That is fuck all use if he decides not to pay.

2 in 5 men do not pay maintenance for their children. TWO IN FIVE. Don't think just because you are married, that it means that your DH will pay up. Many will, some won't.

Have a look at threads on MN where women complain that their Ex-H has not paid maintenance.

So. Basically.

Be honest. Yes, I want to be married. No, I don't want to be married. Either option is ok, as long as both partners are fine with it. If one is hoping that the other will change their mind, or trying to blackmail them (whether consciously or not) then don't be surprised if it causes tension in your married life.

How odd, troisgarcons. In my DD's school and among her friends (she is 7) I have to work very hard to identify children who live with their two biological parents who are both on their first marriages and were married before their children were conceived and have no children from previous relationships.

DP just asked me to marry him (half asleep/joking). I said no, I'm not ready yet and a have few things I want to sort out before being able to properly consider it. We've been together over 6 years, one DD and DSD from a previous relationship.
OP maybe your DP is just not ready yet?

well maybe he does want a big wedding and doesn't feel that you can afford it yet? the fact that he's talked about getting married abroad suggests he's at least mulling it over for some time in the future. Unfortunately for you though he's right - there is no rush is there?

What a surprise - troisgarcons, who thinks marriage is the be all and end all, has a load of imaginary colleagues who totally agree with her skewed line of thought, but don't tally in the slightest with the sorts of thoughts that any of the rest of us in the real world have.

I say this as someone who married before having children, because it was right for me. But who, unlike troisgarcons, isn't deeply threatened by people who don't follow an utterly traditional path in the life.

Yes: all this stuff about the financial security of being married. If your high-earning H turns into a knob, dumps you and then stops working and goes on benefits, you won't get a lot of child maintenance, married or not.

Hi OP - you need to decide :
A) Do you want to be married above all else?
If he does not ask you to marry him will you leave him?

Do you have a time limit in mind?
Or
B) Are you just wanting to find a way to nudge him into asking, but willing to accept the status quo if it does not go the way you want?

if A - be the bitch - say I want to get married, do you? I don't care when, but if it is not going to happen, please let me know and I'll try to find someone who has the same plan in life as I do.

if B tread carefully. Suggest spending money at a lawyer, fixing your legal position - wills, parenting stuff etc.... "If we are not getting married, then I want our child's position secure". This probably costs as much as a cheap wedding.

Well, as I say on all these threads - don't hint, don't sulk (preferably don't have DCs until you've actually got married and therefore know you want the same things from life, but that's ship has normally sailed on these threads).

Sit him down, calmly tell him that you want to get married, and set a reasonable deadline for that to happen (by the end of 2013?). Make it clear you'll need to have booked venues etc a few months before if you're doing a big wedding, if small, then less planning time. However, if he wants to do the big proposal, then fine, but that's his deadline. If he doesn't want to get married, he owes you as the mother of his child to be completely honest about the fact, stop dangling it as a possiblity if it's not going to happen (completely cruel in my opinion), and accept the fact that you'll have to consider if this limited level of commitment is enough for you. He should be prepared to explain why not if he doesn't want to get married.

If he says "yes I'll marry you, but I'll ask in my own time." He means "I don't want to marry you, but I don't want you to leave me, I'm stalling and hoping the problem goes away."

You will then have to decide if you want to live unmarried to this man for the time being, knowing that he wants an exit option, and therefore you can't count on him staying in this relationship long term.

However, in my experience, men in this position genuinely don't think you're all that fussed about getting married, because your actions (living with him, having DCs with him without being married) show him that you're not all that bothered. It's often a shock when you do calmly explain how important it is.

Lydia how can you describe having a child and a mortgage as a 'limited commitment' presumably they are jointly named on the mortgage and OP's partner has parental responsibility, so their lives are linked in more complex ways than a marriage certificate, so his attitude to their relationship is hardly casual.

Have you ever heard a man say any of this tripe

Noddy no I really can't! Also if other males then posted that the best way to get what you want us to threaten to leave them and take their child away, they would rightfully be labelled as vile manipulative bullies.