Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 11 12

Original poster

To not understand why he hasn't proposed yet...?

287 replies

Tanz825 · 01/01/2012 20:02

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 5 and a half years now and he still hasn't asked me to marry him. We have been living together for 4 years and have bought our own house together last year and are living there with our 9 month old daughter. There has always been talk of getting married ever since very early in our relationship, not just from myself but from my partner too but he still hasn't asked me to marry him. I'm starting to wonder why and sometime get upset about it because he knows how important it is to me. I wouldnt be so upset but he keeps referring to where we might get married (abroad) but he hasn't asked me yet and it's like pouring salt in a wound. Over Christmas two of my friends have got engaged and they have been together half the time we have which I was so happy for them but at the same time I felt like it was my turn. His family keep asking him why he's waiting and he just says theirs no rush. He is a romantic at heart and I believe he wants it to be perfect he says we can't afford it. I think hes setting his expectations to high, which is lovely but i dont care about those fancy things. He also thinks that once we get engaged I'll want to get married straight away which is not the case. I've told him I don't care about fancy rings or a big wedding all I want is to be married to him and have the same name as him and my daughter and be his wife. I just feel like the longer were together the less he thinks it matters and that he's just taking his time because he knows he can. Iv thought about asking him but he said a while ago that if I ever ask him he'll say no coz that's his job. I know I may sound selfish but it's getting to me and I'm feeling a little resentful which I don't like. Anyone know how I can't stop feeling like this? I generally just push it to the back of my mind but then something comes up about marriage or engagements and I get a hollow feeling in the pit on my stomach and all those feeling come back. I know I shouldn't feel like this and I should just wait till he's ready, which I will, but In the mean time I need to find a way to block these sad feeling. Anyone have and suggestions?

Thanx
Tanya

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 01/01/2012 21:30

Oh the "wedding" thing is crap and an excuse. We had a church wedding, a white "do" as well over 350 people. What we didnt do was do all the silly bollox like professional photographers, DJs , sit down meals, professional vieos, limos, button holes etc.

If you want to get married, you will get married; be that church, reg office, hot air balloon!

People love weddings and they love to help. We did all our own cooking; we hired the fuctions suite locally (didnt have to pay because it was our wedding presnt from the venue); My friend who was florist did all the flowers (weddng present), up early in the morning doing all the button holes ourselves; cars co-opted in from family. Another friend was a semi pro photographer, and another DJs on the side. Another was a professional cake maker. Cousin is a reasonably famous artist and did all our wedding invitations. All came under the guise of 'weddng presents'.

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 01/01/2012 21:35

trois some people just don't like weddings! I am honestly not fussed about being married either way - just doesn't mean that much to me after witnessing my parents for 30 years - but if I were with a man who desperately wanted to get married, I'd consider it - but no wedding, ever. Hate 'em.

Cheery fucker, ain't I...

mummy just realised my PP probably sounded pretty smug. Wasn't meant like that. I nearly had to make a comparable decision myself because DP couldn't decide whether or not he wanted ttc. Things were a bit more clear-cut because I had just moved out to take a new job - and I had to say to him, I want you to follow me - but not if you don't want children. So I have had that convo and it's not easy.

But better than being with someone who doesn't want what you want.

Crosshair · 01/01/2012 21:35

Dh randomly said 'Would you like to get married?' after 6 years of living together. Two months later we had a small family only ceremony and a big party on the night.

If you feel so strongly about it have a chat with him and tell him how you feel?

allagory · 01/01/2012 21:38

Far from being a 1950's timewarp, marriage is an institution that protects the interests of women and children in the eyes of the law. I waited 9 long years for a proposal. I made a mistake in the negotiation of my relationship: I gave my partner what he wanted (moving in with him) without asserting what I wanted (marriage).

In retrospect I can see I wouldn't accept a job without a formalised offer. I wouldn't buy a house without a contract. I wouldn't accept an offer for university without something concrete written down. So not sure why I thought I didn't need anything for my relationship I don't know.

I asked my husband how one would renegotiate a contract where no formal arrangement exists. He says you need to present an upside and a downside. He suggested that you would need to offer a performance related bonus in addition to normal deal for the upside. And to say that you will leave the arrangement if it is not formalised as the downside .

I didn't tell him what it was about. But when I did, he said same rules apply..

MmeLindor. · 01/01/2012 21:41

troisgarcon
The 1950s timewarp was in response to the comments along the lines of "why would he buy the cow when you get the milk for free". We are no longer in the 1950s when this idea was common. Men do not have to marry women in order to get sex, or have children. There is no social stigma to having a child "out of wedlock" as my granny would have put it.

I have utmost respect for my parents and grandparents, but have also seen aunts and uncles marry because she was pregnant and that was The Done Thing. Sometimes it worked out ok, sometimes it didn't.

Thankfully that is no longer the norm.

I also have respect for the institution of marriage, and love being married. Would I still be with my DH if he had not wanted to marry me? Yes, I would. I might not be totally happy about it, but I would still be with him.

I would however have had a frank discussion about legalities and had wills drawn up to protect me and my children in the event of something happening to him.

Mummymcar
I was talking generally. I don't doubt that your relationship is a good one, and that your DP is a good man. At the same time, it is ok to be honest with him and say, "Lets talk about a timetable. I would prefer to be married to you because I love you and want to make that commitment. If you don't want that ever then I want you to be honest and tell me that. And I want to talk about the legal steps that we can take to protect our children".

I don't really get this "not ready for it" excuse, if I am very honest, unless the couple are very young.

Having children together is a massive commitment, much much larger than a marriage certificate.

To be blunt, if I had decided two years after my marriage that I had made a mistake, I could have walked away, gotten a divorce and been done with it. After the birth of my children, that would not have been possible. It was the birth of my children that bound me to my husband for the rest of our lives, not the marriage license.

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 01/01/2012 21:42

allagory, genuine Q, how does it protect the interests of women? I don't see that. If you are a SAHM, yes, but otherwise - ?

usualsuspect · 01/01/2012 21:42

'Why does he need to pay for his sweeties when they are offered for free'

FFS ,there are no words to describe how fucking stupid this post is

scottishmummy · 01/01/2012 21:44

yes,schockingly sexist. the sweeties eg sex given so readily.inference no wonder she's not married if not chaste

troisgarcons · 01/01/2012 21:51

There is no social stigma to having a child "out of wedlock" as my granny would have put it.

Isn't there?

GnomeDePlume · 01/01/2012 21:52

I did the asking and we have now been married for more than 20 years. DH probably wouldnt have got round to asking me, ever.

Stop hinting and tell your partner how upset this non-situation is making you. He possibly thinks that talking about the perfect wedding is what you want. He needs to understand that for you the wedding doesnt matter.

If he then wont do what is needed to stop you feeling upset then I am afraid you have your answer that he doesnt want to marry you.

usualsuspect · 01/01/2012 21:52

Nope not any more , this is 2012 in case you hadn't noticed

EdlessAllenPoe · 01/01/2012 21:52

possibly 1) he has decided to propose, but has a specific time/place in mind which he wants to be a surprise so he is not answering questions.
2) he does intend to marry, but at some woolly time in the future
3) he is wasting your time, telling you he will one day be 'ready' when really he is at the point where he has to take what little is left of 'the plunge' (as, once you have house and child together, you are already pretty tied..) and already knows he's too chicken to do it/ doesn't want to.

i don't think it is daft to have kids first, i did it myself. i do think if you want the protection and recognition of marriage you can't hang around for ever waiting for your OH to be on the same page. How long are you willing to wait OP?

rhondajean · 01/01/2012 21:53

Ignoring all the 50s argument, I have a serious point.

I'm sure there are statistics that say the longer you are I a relationship without marrying, the less likely the man is to propose? And if it's not within the first two years, the likelihood of him doing it drops drastically?

winnybella · 01/01/2012 21:54

'We give our children a common name, family background and security. We know we work as a team. There have been times where one or the other other of us could have walked away, leaving behind a holy mess to unravel. TBH, if we hadnt been married we would have walked in a fit of pique. But you make promises to each other and work issues through to keep those promises..'

Yes, and you can, and should, do the same if you are an unmarried couple as well. I can't imagine either me or DP walking off 'in a fit of pique' as we are comitted to each other and to providing a happy and secure environment for our children.

Being married will not make the relationship stronger (although it may make people stay together because they cannot be bothered to deal with the whole financial etc mess) and neither being unmarried will not make a good relationship weaker.

In OP's case, she wants to be married and he doesn't, which clearly is a problem.

But can we do away with that outdated 'how marriages are superior to unmarried relationships' crap, please?

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 01/01/2012 21:55

But rhonda surely that is because lots of couples have by that time figured out that they don't want to marry? I'd be astonished if DP proposed after 4 yrs but that's cos we've had that conversation.

troisgarcons · 01/01/2012 21:59

I'm afraid there is a 'stigma', whether we like it or not.

Scan any news paper link and find the surrepticious comments 'umarried mum' then scan the comments boxes at the end of the story - always scthing about the mum and the child having different surnames.

I work in a school - and believe me - the majority of teachers are younger than me , frequently barely out of NQT year and they are the most judgmental people I've ever had the misfortune to work with. Children are pigeon holed immediately on parental status and woe betide a step father on the scene.

Statistically, if you co-habit longer than 2 years then marry, it is because one partner is insecure. the marriage does not remove the insecurities which provoked the married and statistically are more likely to divorce than non-cohabitees who married.

MmeLindor. · 01/01/2012 21:59

Don't know about that, Rhonda.

We were together for four years before he proposed, but it had been clear for some time that we would marry at some point.

TheSecondComing · 01/01/2012 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MmeLindor. · 01/01/2012 22:00

We co-habited for 4 years before we got engaged, and for another year before we got married. Not because we were insecure. What rot.

rhondajean · 01/01/2012 22:02

Quite possibly yonder, and I think I read it written up in the sense of women being passive recipients of a proposal, but the article was saying that if you want to get married the longere you hang on in there hoping it will happen the more the returns diminish.

If I recall.

Problem is OP hasn't had the conversation and agreement you two have.

rhondajean · 01/01/2012 22:03

I'm going to go goggle see if it's any help. Sorry if ivejust confused things further.

usualsuspect · 01/01/2012 22:03

Well in my world there is no stigma ,thank goodness

winnybella · 01/01/2012 22:03

Well, I can only pity you, trois garcons, for having to work with people like that.

And the comments you're talking about...where, in DM?

I have never, ever, heard one disparaging comment made about any unmarried couple or single woman with a child that I have known or known of.

rhondajean · 01/01/2012 22:04

Mme again with you - the difference is the clarity was always there surely?

JustHecate · 01/01/2012 22:06

I've been married 13 years and I never get any damned sweeties.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 11 12