To not understand why he hasn't proposed yet...?

[Tanz825]

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 5 and a half years now and he still hasn't asked me to marry him. We have been living together for 4 years and have bought our own house together last year and are living there with our 9 month old daughter. There has always been talk of getting married ever since very early in our relationship, not just from myself but from my partner too but he still hasn't asked me to marry him. I'm starting to wonder why and sometime get upset about it because he knows how important it is to me. I wouldnt be so upset but he keeps referring to where we might get married (abroad) but he hasn't asked me yet and it's like pouring salt in a wound. Over Christmas two of my friends have got engaged and they have been together half the time we have which I was so happy for them but at the same time I felt like it was my turn. His family keep asking him why he's waiting and he just says theirs no rush. He is a romantic at heart and I believe he wants it to be perfect he says we can't afford it. I think hes setting his expectations to high, which is lovely but i dont care about those fancy things. He also thinks that once we get engaged I'll want to get married straight away which is not the case. I've told him I don't care about fancy rings or a big wedding all I want is to be married to him and have the same name as him and my daughter and be his wife. I just feel like the longer were together the less he thinks it matters and that he's just taking his time because he knows he can. Iv thought about asking him but he said a while ago that if I ever ask him he'll say no coz that's his job. I know I may sound selfish but it's getting to me and I'm feeling a little resentful which I don't like. Anyone know how I can't stop feeling like this? I generally just push it to the back of my mind but then something comes up about marriage or engagements and I get a hollow feeling in the pit on my stomach and all those feeling come back. I know I shouldn't feel like this and I should just wait till he's ready, which I will, but In the mean time I need to find a way to block these sad feeling. Anyone have and suggestions?

Thanx
Tanya

Last time thre was a thread like thiz, some bloke poster popped up and gave us all the benefit of the male perspective.

He'd had 3 different families with (obviously) three different women. Only married the last one 'because he wanted to' ..... the whole thread went cutsey and full of 'awww, romantic' - skated over he'd spread his seed and left 2 unmarried women behind him.

if he wanted to marry you,he would do so
it's not rocket science
ask by all means if you think he will. say yes

Why does he need to pay for his sweeties when they are offered for free

Sorry to be blunt (and not particularly helpful), but stories like yours are the reason I told DH that I wouldn't move in or have kids with him without a ring on my finger.

I'm afraid I second the post who suggested you tell him that marriage is important to you, and to either make up his mind to get married, or make a decision to let you go to find someone who wants the same as you do.

IME men don't see what's under their noses. Talk to him. Ask if he is planning on asking you any time soon because you are getting upset waiting. Then learn to use paragraphs, and you're all set for a fabulous 2012. Good luck!

lol,yes learning to use paragraphs is a panacea when groom is reluctant

Just to put another point if view....

My DH and i were together 8 years before getting engaged. We always talked about our wedding, having kids etc and knew that was where we were heading. DH always said he wanted to only get engaged when we were in a position to get married. So he proposed in June 2010, we got married in april 2011 shortly after our 9 year anniversary.

I never had any doubts about us. Always knew we'd get married and knew it had to be done in his own time. Incidentally, he always said if i proposed he'd say no, which makes him sound much more sexist than he is!!

Ditto shagmund No way I was shacking up and being treated like a wife in all but name. Neither would I tie up my finances (we both had our own properties).

We did a 6 month trial run in a short term rental (so no territorial issues) but I made it quite clear that it was 6 months and if he couldnt commit after 6 months then I wasn't prepared to be hanging around on the off chance that he might. He proposed within 3 weeks

No way I would have had a baby without the protection of marriage either.

Just you, scottish, but I did enjoy your last post. A grammatical advantage could make a big difference. Perhaps that's where you went wrong?

God, this thread is like being in the 1950s

The OP should have waited till she had a ring on her finger cause now he has the "sweeties" he won't want to pay for them???

Fucks sake.

OP.
Sit down and have a chat. If you think he would like to be the one doing the asking then talk to him about it. Don't drop hints, many men are terrible at picking up on hints.

"I have been thinking about us getting married. What do you think?"

Took 5yrs and two dcs before my dp caved in and proposed.

Tanya - I'm so sorry you are in this position, I'm in exactly the same place as you right now and really feel like I could have written your post.

To the other posters: please be kind with your words, I'm sure I'm being over-sensitive but some of these posts (not naming names) have made me cry and I'm not even the op!

Marking my place as I'm going to take some of this advice too. I've been with DP 4 years, expecting our first baby next month and been living together for 3 years. He told me 6 months ago that he was planning to propose but i'm still waiting. I've proposed to him countless times and been rejected so I'm keen to know what others think.

Tanya - good luck. Sending you love.

But she has, MME. They talk about it.

He talks about where they might get married (but won't ask her)
He's told her if she asks him, he'll say no.
His family asked him when they were going to marry and he told them "there's no rush"
He says they can't afford it - even though she's told him she doesn't care about a fancy wedding, all she wants is to be married to him
He thinks that if he does ask her to marry him - she'll want to marry him right away, which is another reason he's not asking.
.
All taken from the OP

The only way he could more clearly say that he doesn't want to marry her right now would be if he hired the Red Arrows to write it in the sky in red smoke while he's strapped to a wing with a megaphone, yelling "I'm not ready yet!"

yes this notion of chaste no more=unmarriageable is deeply sexist
sweeties as a euphemism. for adult consensual sex, is quite gross. op is not sullied because she is in a consensual relationship and had a baby with man she love

Call me old fashioned and romantic, but I would like to think that my husband asked me to marry me because he wanted to, not because he felt forced into it. IF I thought he had asked me to keep the peace or to stop me nagging and hinting, I would forever have been wondering if he had really genuinely wanted to do it.

As for there being no difference between living together and being married.. oh there is.

Anyone can live together, and usually do these days, but when a couple get married, that gives it an upper edge and puts their relationship above all previous ones.

mummy tb perfectly h, if I'd proposed to my DP multiple times and he'd rejected me - he'd be XP now, DC or no.

Sorry.

Either you want the same thing (marriage or non-married partnership, whichever) or you don't. In the latter case, you're incompatible and you should move on.

Neither DP nor I is fussed about marriage so we are okay. But if I wanted to get married and he didn't, I'd tell him what I wanted and if he couldn't accommodate it, I'd be off.

You mean above any previous marriages, squeaky? ;)

Being married can be very very useful for pensions and all those horrible practicalities if one of you dies (I don't even know if someone CAN make a domestic partner into next of kin, actually).

Suggestion: registry office ceremony, very quiet, just a couple of witnesses, to get the legal stuff tied up.

Big shebang - public renewal of vows, party, rings, telling everyone you are married, all that stuff, if and when you both feel like it.

(we did the first bit and never the second. I completely understand why the second bit would be a ghastly experience for my partner and would never put him in a position of having to do that. Noone should assume that a big wedding is actually a gorgeous prospect for everybody).

Yonder
I have to agree with that.

If I really wanted to be married, and my partner didn't then it would make me sit down and assess what I wanted from the relationship.

I do think it basically a case of saying that you want clarity. The partner has to say if he is saying, "not now" or "never".

If there is not that much honesty in a relationship, then I suspect that there may be other issues.

I agree with squeaky you want the man you marry to be utterly devoted, want you more than anything and be excited about marrying you. If the op asks him under these circumstances or does persuade him to ask her she will never be truly satisfied

Thanks for your honesty yonder.

patently clear he doesn't want to get married?
what you going to do?
do at least see solicitor about wills, nominate each other as nok, discuss property etc

Mmelindor - not sure if you were referring to myself or op but if it was myself I can assure you that there are no other problems with our relationship. DP has said he will marry me but wants us to have the big wedding. We've discussed it (same as op and her DP) and decided that a register office wedding (whilst he is happy to go ahead with that) just wouldn't feel right.

Maybe the OP's DP is just holding off because he wants the big wedding himself and wants to make sure they don't miss out?

I'm thinking of all our friendship group (we were all dating at the same time and settled at the same time).

Two married ones - still married.
One Co-habiting couple - still together
Four other co-habiting couples (the men were the mainstays) all moved on and had another 2 to 3 relationships, with children, a piece. The original GFs to those men all married their second partners and remain married. Only one of those men has subsequently married (no children, but he has others, elsewhere).

People usually churn out the mantra that 1 in 3 marriages fail. Which means 2 in 3 succeed. The statistics aren't there (or easily accessible) for co-habition failures - which I would imagine are actually much higher as you might live with someone for a year or two then move on and you can do that several times in your twenties and thirties before finally settling down.

Now, as ever the "1950's timewarp" reference is made - which is very derogatory to our mothers and grandmothers (and just explains why so many posters have so many family issues with parents TBH).

I'll stick my neck out - I like being married. My DH is proud he's married to me. We give our children a common name, family background and security. We know we work as a team. There have been times where one or the other other of us could have walked away, leaving behind a holy mess to unravel. TBH, if we hadnt been married we would have walked in a fit of pique. But you make promises to each other and work issues through to keep those promises..

*discliamer. No one should be forced into getting married if they don't desire it. A woman is free to not marrry if she so desires to retain her single status.

I felt like you op. I didn't doubt my dp's commitment to me, but years rolled by and a proposal wasn't forthcoming. This wasn't because he didn't want to, as some posters are suggesting. It was purely and simply because he wasn't ready. Then eventually, one day, he was ready, and he proposed. I hadn't forced the issue (despite wanting to and tying myself in knots over it) so I knew it was what he wanted too. Some men just need to take their time, and you can't rush them.