to not have any resoutions for myself but could write a LIST for DH

[catgirl1976]

I love him to bits but I have got a load of resolutions he should make.

I am not a naggy type and I don't want to cause a row on New Years Day but some of these things are driving me insane and I need him to sort them out.

I worry I may be losing perspective as, other than drop the baby weight, I haven't made up any for me. To be fair - we have a 5 week old baby so the drinking and smoking went out of the window when I found out I was pregnant and I don't really have any other bad habits (at least I think I don't).

DH's resolutions would be as follows:

1. STOP leaving your coat on the floor. Whenever he takes it off, he drops it on the floor. Wherever he was at the time. I pick his coat off the floor upwards of 20 times a day.

1. STOP staying up till 6am playing on the computer. I am sick of sleeping alone. We are married - I am not single so why do I sleep alone every night? You are nearly 40. This is insane.

1. START getting up before the afternoon. We have a 5 week old baby. I do all the night feeds then get up with him at 7am. You come downstairs in the afternoon. This is not fair. I appreciate if he sorts No. 2, No. 3 will follow.

1. STOP drinking so much. 1, sometimes 2 bottles of wine a night. Every night. Its a dangerous level. The other night he did 2 bottles of wine and half a bottle of port. I know its Christmas but you have a son now and he would like you to live a while.

1. STOP leaving the fecking back door wide open EVERY night when you come to bed. The house is freezing when I get up and just because we live in a naice area does not mean we are immune for being burgled. Especially when you have pretty much fecking invited them in.

1. STOP smoking. Again - you have a son now. For him and for you - stop. I know you are down to a few a day and you smoke outside (see back door issue) but STOP.

1. STOP opening a nicotine patch and leaving the scissors, patch wrapper and patch backing on the work top EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am SO tired of picking them up.

1. GO TO THE TIP. You have promised you will go every day for over a month. There is a pile of shite in the back garden and its getting bigger. Seriously - I cannot ask you again.

1. START doing some housework. Any house work. Even if you just pick up after yourself it would help. We haev a 5 week old. I am tired. You don't even close cupboard doors when you open them. In the mornings I can see exactly what you have done the night before by the trail you leave me.

I make him sound bad here - he isnt he is great but these things are doing my head in. I have asked and asked but nothing changes. I have no intention of "leaving the bastard" - I love him and he is a great husband apart from the above and a brilliant dad but I am at my wits end.

How do I get him to stop without becoming a nagging old trout?

Sorry - that was long I needed to rant.

How does he work if he sleeps til the afternoon? I can sympathise, I too have a nocturnal DH who took a while to 'get it' after DS was born. You can't teach or persuade him to improve, he has to want to of his own accord. He may or may not.

He doesnt work. I work :(

Why doesn't he work? May I suggest that that might solve quite a few of your problems?

I really dont know where to start.
I could write a list for my DH as he likes to put things off, but am so :( for you reading your list :(

You work, you look after the baby, he plays games, sleeps, drinks and smokes, and doesnt help out at all? Am I missing something? Is he ill?

Er - wow. I came on here with a lighthearted YANBU because I informed persuaded DP that his NYR should be to come swimming with me once a week. But this is a bit more serious than that....

It strikes me that the drinking + 6am bedtimes are the biggest issue so rather than getting het up about his coat, start by having a conversation about those. Pick 2 things from that list and let the others go for now - except the back door, that is clearly nuts. Springload it if you need to so it swings back shut of its own accord.

I know you're saying you don't want to leave him and I wouldn't advise you to, but do you maybe need couples counselling or some time apart?

Jaysus catgirl

Let me get this straight, he doesn't work, he's an alcoholic, he stays up all night and sleeps all day, he does no housework, he's messy, he smokes and leaves the door open all night.

How do you fit great husband and father into that?

I think you could boil all his resolutions into one big one, namely: This year I will grow the fuck up.

And he's never going to change if he knows you still think he's 'great' and will never leave him. Why would he? IIRC you are a high earner so he's really got a nice life going for himself.

While you tell us your husband is great, OP, I'm afraid your post contains an awful lot of evidence to the contrary. I'm even more to discover that you are keeping this cocklodger in the manner to which he has become accustomed and cannot, at the moment, see what you might be getting out of the relationship. Because it is very far from a partnership.

So I wouldn't be writing him a list of resolutions. I'd be sitting him down and making myself abundantly clear about the changes that need to occur and why.

I say this from the experience of being far too laid back and tolerant about my former husband's drinking and general attitude to parenthood when ds1 was born. I assumed he had recognised that life as a parent would be different. It's not as if ds1 wasn't a much wanted baby and in fairness, he loved him very much. But actually, I'd assumed wrong. By the time I'd reached the point of complete intolerance about us being fitted around pub opening times or other convenient moments when he was ready to be some use around the house, it was rather too late to initiate any meaningful change.

Kick his arse into touch; unless he's ill he needs to get a job, or step up to the plate and start being a SAHD.

dreamingbohemian is spot on - he just needs to grow up, become nice, be thoughtful, change completely. What the fuck are you doing with this man? Not only does he have his cake, he's eating it and then demanding you go to the kitchen and bake more. And why would he want to change any of his behaviour? He has things sorted just as they are.

He's not a great husband or a brilliant dad. Really, he just isn't. Men are better than this - you're insulting the men who actually do give a flying fuck by saying that.

He doesn't work, does no house work, won't look after his own baby at night time even though he's up playing computer games anyway??

He sounds like a catch!

He doesn't work, drinks waaaaay too much and stays up all night gaming?
So when does he look for work/interview/do housework/childcare?

Not seeing the attraction, sorry.

That's a teenager you're living with, not a man. Pick his coat up 20 times a day?! I'd kick it out the back door, once.

Exactly how is he a brillaint husband OP?? Seriously??

I think dreamingbohemian has it. Rather than you making a list for him (yet another thing that you have to do, provide, police) he needs to be presented with the problem, which is that he is attempting to live as if nothing has changed.

Is it ultimatum time? Is the message that you CANNOT live like this any more? I would think you would be very justified in saying that, but obviously you need to be willing to carry it through if he doesn't change, and that's quite a big decision. Maybe just start by saying you don't want to live like this any more, and what does he suggest?

Are you OK CatGirl? This can't be easy reading for you - I'm sorry. I'm guessing that none of what we're saying is news to you but seeing it out there is still a shock.

hes lazy and you tolerate it,and pay for his 2 bottle wine habit
you need to stop the but I lurrve him and set some boundaries

I can only echo what everyone else is saying here..

No need for that long list.. just one thing.

1. Get a job.

All the other problems would then be more or less gone.

my DH needs to STOP going to bed at 10pm so that he can get up with the DC at 8 while I sleep, he needs to STOP doing the washing and ironing so that I can get some practice, he needs to STOP cooking the dinner every other night, he needs to STOP being a great dad so that I can practice being a great mum.

So, I have a normal DH, who participates in family life and all that goes with it. Do you see any difference here? OP your DH needs to sort himself out, what he is doing is selfish and far from normal.

Oh and DH needs to STOP working FT as a teacher and STOP looking after the DC for hours after school and in the holidays while I am at work (also FT)

Catgirl are you married to my dh

sorry - havent posted and run but dh is now in room so a bit tricky to post

and this doesnt make easy ready but perhaps i need to hear it

I should say, by inclination I would love to stay up all night and sleep all morning (and have done in the past when I worked nights)

I used to drink a bottle every night and smoke

I still have these same urges. Why don't I act on them? Because I know DH would not be having it AT ALL. It would a) make him massively unhappy, and b) eventually drive him to leave me.

You cannot nag your DH out of this. You need to explicitly stake your marriage on his turning things around.

I'm really sorry to be harsh btw but I'm just gobsmacked to read this.

I know you're very smart and accomplished and kind and you deserve so much better than this.

he lost his job a year ago which is why he doesnt work, although he does freelance graphic design from home, its just not very regular

and i adore him and he is lovely in every other way. i just feel like i do too much. i know i am enabling him on the drinking though and that i have to change that for both of us

And he's 40?????????????