to not have any resoutions for myself but could write a LIST for DH

[catgirl1976]

I love him to bits but I have got a load of resolutions he should make.

I am not a naggy type and I don't want to cause a row on New Years Day but some of these things are driving me insane and I need him to sort them out.

I worry I may be losing perspective as, other than drop the baby weight, I haven't made up any for me. To be fair - we have a 5 week old baby so the drinking and smoking went out of the window when I found out I was pregnant and I don't really have any other bad habits (at least I think I don't).

DH's resolutions would be as follows:

1. STOP leaving your coat on the floor. Whenever he takes it off, he drops it on the floor. Wherever he was at the time. I pick his coat off the floor upwards of 20 times a day.

1. STOP staying up till 6am playing on the computer. I am sick of sleeping alone. We are married - I am not single so why do I sleep alone every night? You are nearly 40. This is insane.

1. START getting up before the afternoon. We have a 5 week old baby. I do all the night feeds then get up with him at 7am. You come downstairs in the afternoon. This is not fair. I appreciate if he sorts No. 2, No. 3 will follow.

1. STOP drinking so much. 1, sometimes 2 bottles of wine a night. Every night. Its a dangerous level. The other night he did 2 bottles of wine and half a bottle of port. I know its Christmas but you have a son now and he would like you to live a while.

1. STOP leaving the fecking back door wide open EVERY night when you come to bed. The house is freezing when I get up and just because we live in a naice area does not mean we are immune for being burgled. Especially when you have pretty much fecking invited them in.

1. STOP smoking. Again - you have a son now. For him and for you - stop. I know you are down to a few a day and you smoke outside (see back door issue) but STOP.

1. STOP opening a nicotine patch and leaving the scissors, patch wrapper and patch backing on the work top EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am SO tired of picking them up.

1. GO TO THE TIP. You have promised you will go every day for over a month. There is a pile of shite in the back garden and its getting bigger. Seriously - I cannot ask you again.

1. START doing some housework. Any house work. Even if you just pick up after yourself it would help. We haev a 5 week old. I am tired. You don't even close cupboard doors when you open them. In the mornings I can see exactly what you have done the night before by the trail you leave me.

I make him sound bad here - he isnt he is great but these things are doing my head in. I have asked and asked but nothing changes. I have no intention of "leaving the bastard" - I love him and he is a great husband apart from the above and a brilliant dad but I am at my wits end.

How do I get him to stop without becoming a nagging old trout?

Sorry - that was long I needed to rant.

I honestly can't believe it, He's not a family man if he stays up all night gaming when his wife has just had a baby.

I could not imagine anything worse than be married to a man like that!

Rika has a good point -- a relationship isn't just the fun times, it's the tough times as well.

I sort of get the impression that until a year ago life was grand -- you were both working, had money, drank and smoked, life was a lot of fun. It's a lot easier to have a good relationship and/or ignore troubling traits in those circumstances.

Well, now your DH is unemployed and you have a little baby and you have to go back to work a lot earlier than you'd like and worry about the impact on your career.

YOU are rolling with the changes and keeping things together. He is NOT.

He is treating you like his maid and actively endangering you all by keeping the door wide open all night. So you live in a nice area, where do you think 'home invasions' happen? I mean, for god's sake.

I am sure catgirl could have anticipated much of the comment made here when she started this thread. And from what you say cg, you know what the problems are and are venting to try to make a 'picture' for yourself rather htan for other people.
A loss of a sense of what is important in life. Depression. Some pretty poor habitual thinking and behavour that supports the depression. Escapism to escape the depression. Feeling of being overwhelmed. He will be aware of all of this. Would you wish to cut through all of the approbium and ask what to do about it all??

He is an alcoholic and you are an enabler. He wont change in the forseeable future. You are deluding yourself. It matters not a jot what he was like prior to this. I suggest you live apart and when and if he is sorted you can then become a family again. He has no respect for you and I dont think you have any for yourself either.

but anotehr question - does he have any friends?

APan - you are spot on - i think i was trying to make a picture for myself - thank you for your understanding

If you have an idea of what I should do (not leaving him) then I would like to hear it. I think I need to stop picking up after him and give him a firm ultimatum (but I wont threaten to leave as that isnt true) but I would be interested to hear what others think outside of "leave the bastard"

yes, just saying 'he's an alcoholic' missed their opportunity to assist Sherlock Holmes last night.

APan - no. He doesnt. He did but since losing his job has become more and more isolated and now he doesnt. HIs best friend moved abroad 2 years ago and they stay in touch on fb but rarely see each other and his family live 300 miles away. This really doesnt help as you can imagine

Taking everything here into consideration, I'd suggest to him that your joint NYR could be to go to bed together every night? There's no reason why he can't do his gaming during the day (or are you anti-gaming which is why he does it while you're in bed?), rather than at night.

Do it under the pretence of wanting to get some intimacy back in your relationship and he shouldn't need much convincing

He'll then drink less cause he won't get lost in his game while you're asleep, you will be able to make sure the door is shut every night before bed (and can gently remind him if he forgets - ahh, the amount of times my DH has left the back door unlocked cause he's just so forgetful!!)

And stop picking up after him. Don't nag, just don't do it.

Thats good advice To2012 - I think thats a good idea

I am not anti gaming - just anti the amount of time he spends on it and the fact he is using it as a substitute for life and his on-line friends as a subsitute for "real" friends.

Maybe the fairies will come along and change him.

Christ, I thought mine was idle sometimes.

Here is a resolution for you: get rid of childish DP and trade in for a better one.

Was this how you envisaged it working when you made the agreement re him not looking for a job and being around for the last bit of your pregnancy and the first weeks of your son's life? Were there any specific practicalities discussed then?

Congrats on the baby.

no, not good re friends - they have a cruial role in 'controling' and regulating social and personal habits and attitudes., as well as problem-solving.

What's missing in this thread is any sense of him, and how he sees it all.

Bringing 'assistances' and services to people who didn't ask forthem in the first place will be met with suspicion and possibly aggression. How can he 'buy in' to changing. Does he see any problems with how he is?

You had a baby 5 weeks ago. Your H should be supporting you, looking after you and bonding with you and your DS.

Instead you are running around like an idiot picking up any shit that he feels like dropping anywhere because he thinks he is more important and you are there to pick up his shit.

He is going to bed at 6am you are getting up at 7am after doing all the night feeds! He is then not getting up until afternoon, how is he then having the baby for 12 hours from 12pm?

He is drinking 2 bottles of wine (sometimes more) a night. I don't see how he can be anything but a hung over wreck when he deigns to get up not a decent playful father.

You both agreed that he would stop looking for work in August so he would be here to bond with his DS and support you. What has he honestly done apart from treat you like a servant he can't even be bothered to share a bed with, drink, smoke and game?

He does know he is drinking too much. That we have discussed and he has promised to cut down in the New Year. The staying up late is tied in to this IMHO and if he sorted out the drinking the staying up all night would resolve itself (as would the back door issue)

He also knows he needs a job but there is a part of him would like to be a SAHD - I think has a "male pride" issue that makes him think he would be more of a man if he was earning (I do not share that view) He would like his graphic design work to be a full time thing but at the moment he lacks the confidence needed to grow this as a business / go out and sell himself etc. TBH he barely has the confidence to go for interviews and then getting rejected doesnt exactly boost his morale.

In terms of housework - he doesnt see an issue. He just doesnt give a shit and I think would live in a hovel left to his own devices. This issue I cant see getting resolved as he just thinks if I am tired I should leave it. However, this issue is the one I could suck up and live with.

That's a lot of "ifs" and "will do in the future".

Just dropping in to say that I was shocked at the sheer quantity and bitchiness of the 'leave the bastard' brigade at the beginning of this thread, and glad to see you didn't let them get you down.

My dp definitely went into a private time/place mode for some of the tiny baby stage, his was reading but it was the same mental thing as your DH. I did get annoyed that I seemed to be left all day (no recession then, so at least he was working) and half the night. It wasn't until the twins were about 2 months old that he started really getting into this parenting thing. He also drank and smoked. He's dealt with the drinking, but smoking has been a big bad fail.

Your poor DH, I'm sorry he's jobless, I'm sorry he's low on friends, and I'm sorry he's hitting the bottle a bit much... I wonder if showing him some edited highlights of this thread might help?

He is in danger of alcohol dependency at this consumption rate btw - voice of bitter experience here.

Sorry xposted. Damn out of milk absolutely have to go to shop now, see you later.

Maybe its my post natal hormones but the posters on here who have given some kindness, support , empathy and advice have nearly made me cry. Thank you :)

I, for one, did not say 'leave him', I said to tell him that if he doesn't shape up, the natural consequence will be the end of your marriage because no self-respecting woman would put up with this behaviour for years and years. That is not an ultimatum really, it is just stating a fact.

Saying you don't want to leave him now is not the same as saying that there are no circumstances whatsoever under which you would leave. He needs to know that your patience is not infinite.

You say things will be fine if he gets a job but your last posts do not give a lot of confidence that this will be happening anytime in the near future.

I think you would be better off arranging for him to be a SAHD for the next year. This will force him to go to bed early, drink less, etc, and get him in good habits that will then help him get back into the jobforce or start his own business.

I understand the male pride thing but if you say it's just for a year that should bother him less.

catgirl - why all the references to doing something 'in the new year' i.e. reduce drinking 'in the new year', look for a job 'in the new year'.

I'd worry that that's just an excuse to put off changing and in particular in relation to the drinking.

It's the 'new year', has he started anything?

I don't think you throw away a 14 year relationship for one hard year but I do think he's got a problem. You can't diagnose alcoholism / depression or anything else for that matter over the internet but maybe he should see his gp.

He certainly needs a confidence booster.

None of this excuses his behaviour at all but it might help you to understand how to get him to change.

dreaming - i know you didnt. you are one of the posters who has been very kind and helpful

bedu - i guess the new year seemed a logical place to make a new start following a baby born at the end of november and the chaos of the first weeks

as for what has he done.....well he is still in bed but his coat was hung up the back door was locked and he came to bed at 3:30am. I know thats not much but maybe its a start.............

maybe it is. Good luck! I still think he might not be able to do this on his own.

I know this is all 'instant' and over the internet, and we don't really know him or you. But there are, ime, a few very strong pointers:

• he needs someone to talk to outside of you. A family member whom he trusts. A friend of a friend. A clergy. A gp's counsellor. (gps aren't very good at this stuff usually)

• he is massively chemically-dependent ( we can diagnose that) and this is a manifest of his rejecting his life. Further drinking will undermine everything else.
• he isn't the worst - we have come across much much worse and hopeless - and he has some hope and motivation it seems.
• there is no talk of DV or sexual infidelities, yet, but they could become issues with someone in his position.
• the housework stuff is minimal re all of this.
• he desparately needs boundaries, and a compromised self-esteem erodes these.