to not have any resoutions for myself but could write a LIST for DH

[catgirl1976]

I love him to bits but I have got a load of resolutions he should make.

I am not a naggy type and I don't want to cause a row on New Years Day but some of these things are driving me insane and I need him to sort them out.

I worry I may be losing perspective as, other than drop the baby weight, I haven't made up any for me. To be fair - we have a 5 week old baby so the drinking and smoking went out of the window when I found out I was pregnant and I don't really have any other bad habits (at least I think I don't).

DH's resolutions would be as follows:

1. STOP leaving your coat on the floor. Whenever he takes it off, he drops it on the floor. Wherever he was at the time. I pick his coat off the floor upwards of 20 times a day.

1. STOP staying up till 6am playing on the computer. I am sick of sleeping alone. We are married - I am not single so why do I sleep alone every night? You are nearly 40. This is insane.

1. START getting up before the afternoon. We have a 5 week old baby. I do all the night feeds then get up with him at 7am. You come downstairs in the afternoon. This is not fair. I appreciate if he sorts No. 2, No. 3 will follow.

1. STOP drinking so much. 1, sometimes 2 bottles of wine a night. Every night. Its a dangerous level. The other night he did 2 bottles of wine and half a bottle of port. I know its Christmas but you have a son now and he would like you to live a while.

1. STOP leaving the fecking back door wide open EVERY night when you come to bed. The house is freezing when I get up and just because we live in a naice area does not mean we are immune for being burgled. Especially when you have pretty much fecking invited them in.

1. STOP smoking. Again - you have a son now. For him and for you - stop. I know you are down to a few a day and you smoke outside (see back door issue) but STOP.

1. STOP opening a nicotine patch and leaving the scissors, patch wrapper and patch backing on the work top EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am SO tired of picking them up.

1. GO TO THE TIP. You have promised you will go every day for over a month. There is a pile of shite in the back garden and its getting bigger. Seriously - I cannot ask you again.

1. START doing some housework. Any house work. Even if you just pick up after yourself it would help. We haev a 5 week old. I am tired. You don't even close cupboard doors when you open them. In the mornings I can see exactly what you have done the night before by the trail you leave me.

I make him sound bad here - he isnt he is great but these things are doing my head in. I have asked and asked but nothing changes. I have no intention of "leaving the bastard" - I love him and he is a great husband apart from the above and a brilliant dad but I am at my wits end.

How do I get him to stop without becoming a nagging old trout?

Sorry - that was long I needed to rant.

Ah okay -- I feel like I'm probably being too harsh with you, sorry! I am just very angry on your behalf, that you have to put up with all this.

Another thought -- you say he doesn't have the confidence to grow his own business, but could he try to develop his own online business? It's a lot easier dealing with clients and networking online if you're not feeling your strongest, and he could probably access a lot of support networks and resources, and it would be good experience at any rate.

My own DH is about to start his second stint as a SAHD -- the first time around he went a bit stir crazy, but this time he's going to work on setting up his own business (mostly online). We're really excited about it.

If he's making a lot of friends online through gaming, that's a natural base to start with.

you are very right apan

i dont know who i can get him to talk to but will give it some thought

i might show him some of the more helpful posts on here?

Hmm I don't know if I would show him this thread at all

If his self-esteem is low, it won't help to know his wife is talking about him on MN (not that you shouldn't be, I just don't know if it would help to share that with him)

If you can afford counseling, I would try to set that up asap
It doesn't have to be a long-term thing, even just a few sessions would help

You can present it not so much as 'omg you need serious help, go to the doctor', but more like, 'hey, new year, new start, why not have a little tune-up, get rid of unnecessary habits and thought processes'

oh and well done you for doing this thread.

He needs to practise your willingness to say " I think things are wrong, and I would like help in putting them right." That does need practise and a bit of bravery.

Just also wanted to say I've been the victim of the mumsnet 'he's an evil fuckwit, leave him now' and I found that confiding in a real life friend who actually knew more of the details was much more effective. There're a lot of people out there who seem to have perfect relationships that never need any work :)

Only you know your situation and whether you've got something worth saving. This behaviour isn't acceptable but that doesn't mean you give up rather than trying to change things. He really needs to talk to someone externally.

Please do not take this post as in any way condoning his behaviour or suggesting that this is all your worth. It's not.

Is it low self esteem that drives a man to dropping his coat on the floor for his wife to pick up, or to drink two bottles of wine a night and stay up all hours playing games. It doesn't sound like that to me.

The thought of pushing this SAHD thing when he's an alcoholic is horrifying.

I think it's you who is suffering from low self esteem catgirl, that you're prepared to put up with all this, just because he's nice to you sometimes.

Well obviously the SAHD thing would be conditional on his not drinking!

There's a lot more to it than that.

At the time his wife and baby need him most he's drowning his sorrows in alcohol and disappearing into a world of his own on a computer game. People who behave like this (selfishly) dont' suddenly change because they don't have a drink in their hand. There's no evidence that it would be a good idea to leave a baby with him. There is however a lot of evidence to the contrary.

Hi, back from the milk run. Lots of helpful stuff has appeared, I've nothing to add except if you do show him any stuff from this thread you'd better disguise it in some way, I don't think any of our OH's would care to know just how much we reveal about them when we're here in the anonymous world of MN.
Happy new year and best luck to all three of you.

"...we mutually agreed he woulod stop looking in August so he could be at home with me for the latter stages of pregnancy and the early weeks of DS's life. It was from August always the plan he would start job hunting again in Jan."

And was that mutually agreed with the jobcentre and DWP ?

I don't understand that last post? He doesn't claim any benefits. We don't even get tax credits so I really don't understand the point being made?

why does dh not claim benefits
wouldn't it help finances a wee bit?

We don't qualify for any other than child benefit. I want him to get a job for his pride mental stimulation and the social side not for the money. Plus he would have to stop drinking and get up in the mornings

It says upthread that catgirl is a high earner so I guess that's why
I don't think finances are a problem SM :)

would he take up some exercise eg jog with baby to increase his motivation,get routine and decrease the drinking

That's a good idea. He can def get into a routine before looking for work.
And exercise (and fresh air!) will help him feel better, so he'll feel more up to job hunting/freelancing

Plus, can you plan things to do early mornings with him? So he needs to go to bed at the same time as you and can "fix" his body clock?

He has agreed to join the gym with me this week. I want to shift the baby weight and he wants to get back into his weight training which he wad enjoying and doing well at before the job loss. Am hoping the endorphins will be a.

big help. I like the jog with the baby idea do you just use normal push chair am?

These are good ideas. I think I do need to put a bit if work into changing things and not playing the martyr and this thread has helped me see that

If he wants to do weight training too, I wonder how safe it is to jog with a sling?
(not something I'd do, lol, so no idea if it is dangerous!)

I get that men, according to some people people sometimes find adjusting to having a new baby difficult. However, when one parent is feeding the baby, not drinking, not smoking, taking responsibility and the other is not, it is unfair. I will be blunt, Catgirl, if Social Services weren't so overworked and your DH was a lone parent they would be interested in him behaving in this way. If he drinks two or more bottles of wine until 6am, he is not sober at noon when you say he is mainly with the baby. If he is drinking three bottles of wine a night, he may never be truly sober.

I couldn't stay with a man who dropped his clothes on the floor for me to pick up.

Well ds if hefty so he'd bulk up in no time doing that :-)

you get jogging prams new or eBay
he needs routine, and work on motivation and activity level

catgirl, you've enough on your plate having just given birth and going back to work coming up. You don't need to find the solutions for him. You do need to convey to him that the current set-up isn't working for you, though.

Can you work out between you what expectations and standards you both have for the different roles (mother, father, wife, husband, income earner, household chore do-er, childcarer etc etc) and come to an agreement about them?

What was the agreement in August?

Hi Catgirl

My dh drinks too much, has long lie ins on the weekends, used to smoke and leave the back door unlocked. So I do empathise to a degree.

BUT he has is and has always been a domestic goddess - I too am main breadwinner but he has done the lion's share of housework always. He doesn't stay up all night gaming, he has stopped smoking, he is up and at them - and crucially he works. He lost his job six years ago but within a few weeks had set up his own (very small) company and works from home so he could do childcare too.

What I guess I am saying is I'm not a poster gasping/fainting at the wine consumption or lifestyle but I am saying the balance is horribly, horribly wrong for you at the moment but you know that.

I do think your husband has a drink problem and a gaming addiction Seriously. These are the core problems to be tackled.

Px