to not have any resoutions for myself but could write a LIST for DH

[catgirl1976]

I love him to bits but I have got a load of resolutions he should make.

I am not a naggy type and I don't want to cause a row on New Years Day but some of these things are driving me insane and I need him to sort them out.

I worry I may be losing perspective as, other than drop the baby weight, I haven't made up any for me. To be fair - we have a 5 week old baby so the drinking and smoking went out of the window when I found out I was pregnant and I don't really have any other bad habits (at least I think I don't).

DH's resolutions would be as follows:

1. STOP leaving your coat on the floor. Whenever he takes it off, he drops it on the floor. Wherever he was at the time. I pick his coat off the floor upwards of 20 times a day.

1. STOP staying up till 6am playing on the computer. I am sick of sleeping alone. We are married - I am not single so why do I sleep alone every night? You are nearly 40. This is insane.

1. START getting up before the afternoon. We have a 5 week old baby. I do all the night feeds then get up with him at 7am. You come downstairs in the afternoon. This is not fair. I appreciate if he sorts No. 2, No. 3 will follow.

1. STOP drinking so much. 1, sometimes 2 bottles of wine a night. Every night. Its a dangerous level. The other night he did 2 bottles of wine and half a bottle of port. I know its Christmas but you have a son now and he would like you to live a while.

1. STOP leaving the fecking back door wide open EVERY night when you come to bed. The house is freezing when I get up and just because we live in a naice area does not mean we are immune for being burgled. Especially when you have pretty much fecking invited them in.

1. STOP smoking. Again - you have a son now. For him and for you - stop. I know you are down to a few a day and you smoke outside (see back door issue) but STOP.

1. STOP opening a nicotine patch and leaving the scissors, patch wrapper and patch backing on the work top EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am SO tired of picking them up.

1. GO TO THE TIP. You have promised you will go every day for over a month. There is a pile of shite in the back garden and its getting bigger. Seriously - I cannot ask you again.

1. START doing some housework. Any house work. Even if you just pick up after yourself it would help. We haev a 5 week old. I am tired. You don't even close cupboard doors when you open them. In the mornings I can see exactly what you have done the night before by the trail you leave me.

I make him sound bad here - he isnt he is great but these things are doing my head in. I have asked and asked but nothing changes. I have no intention of "leaving the bastard" - I love him and he is a great husband apart from the above and a brilliant dad but I am at my wits end.

How do I get him to stop without becoming a nagging old trout?

Sorry - that was long I needed to rant.

OP, I think you've had a hard time on this thread. Your baby is only 5 weeks old - it can take a while for some people to realise just how much both your lives have changed and adapt their behaviour in response, especially if you are breastfeeding and therefore the feeding inevitably has to has to be mainly your job. I remember when DS1 was born and every time he whimpered in the night I would rush to pick him up and feed him because I thought it was so important that he didn't disturb DH who needed to go to work the next day. It took a while for both of us to realise how much of a joint effort raising a child is.

You need to sit down with your DH now and talk to him. Don't wait until you're in the middle of a row about it or until you collapse with exhaustion. Do it today. Try hard to keep it calm and good-natured rather than bitter and angry. Don't give him the above list of things he needs to change. Instead, explain how tired you are and how unsupported you feel and ask HIM to come up with ways of how he could help more and pull his weight. You could say that you have some ideas too, but try to put the responsibility on him. I believe that he is more likely to make the changes if HE realises that he needs to, rather than you telling him.

If you don't get this sorted soon I agree with other posters that your marriage could be in trouble. You simply can't carry on like this now you have a child, especially when you return to work.

"Great with the baby" how? You're breastfeeding, so he's not helping with that. Nappy-changing? Asleep in bed or gaming for so much of the time, that's unlikely.
So I'm guessing your interpretation of "great" means he bounces him on his knee from time to time and chats to him in an amusing way that makes you smile.
So that's OK then.

thank you mrspepperpotty. i think thats useful advice and i appreciate the empathy

i will talk to him and i will keep it calm rather than ranting or giving him an ultimatum. i think what you and another poster have said about empowering him or putting the responsibility on him is really useful

He sounds so lovely. If you leave him pls give me his phone number to pass on to another mug. What woman in her right fucking mind would make a single excuse for such a waste of space. He doesn't help you, he leaves the house at risk, he drinks heavily rendering him unable to deal with a baby safely. He sleeps during the day so as to avoid any work. How the fuck will he get to interviews? Find a job if he is ASLEEP?!?!

I'm sure he is a great guy though. Really I am. He does sound clever and funny. So very clever.

It does seem unnecessary to pay for 2 days a week of nursery when DH could look after the baby. I know you're both hoping he'll find a job, but couldn't you enter the baby in nursery when that happens rather than beforehand?

From your OP: 'I have asked and asked but nothing changes.'

This is why I didn't suggest talking to him and trying to empower him and yadda yadda yadda. I took from this that you have already talked to him about all this and he's not willing to change.

And, someone who drops his coat on the floor 20 times a day expecting his wife to pick it up, clearly knows what he's doing. Do you really need to empower him to make him pick up his own coat?

I'm not suggesting ranting. Yes, talk to him in a calm way. But if this has been going on for a year and he's not done anything to change even with a new baby! then it's not about empowering him, it's about scaring the crap out of him that he could lose everything if he doesn't shape up.

Interesting, you've been together for 14 years and are 'soul mates' etc but as soon as you need him to step up (eg you go from being a couple to being a family) you realise that he can't/won't...

Can't really add any more to what others have said, but seriously he shouldn't need to be told this stuff. It's the hard times/changes and how we deal with them that demonstrate character, could be that you've never realised before that he is a manchild.

I really feel for you OP, you have had a hard time here

But I think everyone has a point. Your DH is a lazy shit and while he is doing exactly as he pleases he won't change. It is madness your mother is looking after the baby while you go back to work - she will probably love it, but the point is, he has a father who is available to care for him and he won't!

I feel bad now for getting annoyed with my OH who gets up every morning with our twins while I lay in with the baby, and who voluntarily does the washing up and other things. He may not notice mess as much as me, but he does try, and he does things if and when I have to ask him to!

When you go back to work, what is the incentive for him to look harder for a job?

Wow.

The whole coat issue is just a microcosm of the entire problem isn't it? He does whatever the fuck he wants, knowing full well that YOU will run around after him.

I'm sure you know this already - and it is probably irrelevant because of his nocturnal habits - but please, please don't ever let him share a bed with your baby.

fuzzpig - we dont and wont co-sleep due to the smoking and alcohol. ds sleeps in a moses basket next to my side of the bed at the moment

I don't know why you say he's a great husband, what exactly does he do to support you? No housework, no work, no night help with the baby, leaves his crap laying around everywhere, he leaves cupboard doors open!!! Is he twelve? He's a lazy git and you are letting him get away with it! A good relationship isn't just about getting on, having a laugh and good sex, you have to support each other with the boring every day stuff too otherwise resentment sets in and bye bye lovely relationship.

Seriously, there is no way in hell I would let dp behave like a teenager. Your hubby is a grown man fgs, make him start acting like one. The housework etc should be 50/50 while he's home, so should the childcare. Dp and I are gamers, we love playing but we don't stay up until stupid o clock and sleep in until the afternoon.

Wow, it would be a shame if someone 'broke in' and stole his computer when he left the door open, wouldn't it?!

oh boulevard that is soooooooooooooo tempting :)

I think you do need to make one very simple new year's resolution, though;

Stop picking up after him

Don't pick his coat up - step over it. Even better, step on it. Run the pushchair over it. If you can add dog poo into the mix here, so much the better.

It's the only way he'll see that actually, there are no tidying-up fairies, it's all work that has to be done by someone.

Seriously, looking after a baby is hard work. Not only are you doing it essentially as a lone parent, but you have to look after this overgrown teenager as well. Not fair. Not on!

You can't co-sleep because of your husband's drunkeness and smoking.

Whether you want to leave him or not, it has to be a serious alternative for you, otherwise he's going to continue like this.

He also needs to go to Alcoholics Anonymous if he can't stop drinking without help.

I have heard some accounts of laziness and entitlement, but this is the single worst example I have ever heard in my life. I am astounded! He sounds like a very small child and you sound like his mother.

I can't understand how a man who loves you can stand back and watch you run yourself ragged (presumably even soon after the birth!!). And if he adores your DS, why does he choose to absent himself for most of his waking hours, either by being asleep or by being drunk?

He doesn't sound very kind, tbh.

catgirl1976 - I just wanted to sympathise with your situation. It sounds like a nightmare, and made worse by the fact these things don't always happen at once. It kind of creeps up doesn't it?

If it was more sudden then it'd be easier to see what was going on, and be more pro-active.

Good luck whatever you chose to do.

I am aghast that you will be putting your tiny baby into nursery when his father is at home and could be looking after him.

His behaviour is shameful.

Heaven help you when your son is older - at school, doing exams, being a teenager. Your DH is going to be a fantastic role model.........

Her baby is better off with someone else if its father is a drunk.

There's no point in pretending that the way this man is at the moment is of any use to his family.

Catgirl I think you're in denial about how bad this is. Just because he's nice to you sometimes really doesn't compensate for his behaviour.

Fair point, thunderbolts. But how sad for that poor child to have such a man for his father.

Thanks Smacca - it has crept up and it hasnt always been like this

Thunder and 3frogs - he IS great with his son -he spends around 12 hours a day with him (between say 12pm and 12am) which is plenty. He isn't better off with someone else - he IS a great dad. I dont want DH to look after him full time, I want him to get a job - he needs the routine, the pride and the interaction with other people. Yes its been a year but we are in a recession and jobs are thin on the ground, plus we mutually agreed he woulod stop looking in August so he could be at home with me for the latter stages of pregnancy and the early weeks of DS's life. It was from August always the plan he would start job hunting again in Jan.

He cant job hunt easily if he is looking after a baby and the baby doesnt start nursery till April when hopefully he will be working. the 1 day a week with my mum from mid-jan is something she is dying to do and gives DH 1 day to do graphic design work

things are not right at the moment but he is not a terrible person - things have just got a bit out of control and he lost so much confidence losing his job and being stuck at home for a year

There is nothing more unacttractive to me than a man who is a bad father.
And this is what he is.
You are paying for nursery when your child is so yong because your husband can't be bothered to look after his child?
What???
I won't get into the ins and outs of arguing about nursery but a baby that young thrives with his or her parents.
You are clearly far more tolerant than me!

Ah okay the above doesn't really apply then.
You say he spends 12 hours a day with your son.
Our of those 12 hours how many are spent getting pissed?

none of them - he doesnt start drinking until I and the baby have gone to bed (outside of maybe 1 glass of wine or a beer with dinner)

its when he starts gaming that he starts drinking. i think because he is "lost in the game" he loses track of the amount he is drinking. he will stay up to sometimes 6am gaming and drinks while he is doing it

Also - the nursery I want I had to book BEFORE DS was even born. So he is down to start in April when hopefully DH will be working. It's not that he can't be bothered its that we both expect he will be working by April.