to not have any resoutions for myself but could write a LIST for DH

[catgirl1976]

I love him to bits but I have got a load of resolutions he should make.

I am not a naggy type and I don't want to cause a row on New Years Day but some of these things are driving me insane and I need him to sort them out.

I worry I may be losing perspective as, other than drop the baby weight, I haven't made up any for me. To be fair - we have a 5 week old baby so the drinking and smoking went out of the window when I found out I was pregnant and I don't really have any other bad habits (at least I think I don't).

DH's resolutions would be as follows:

1. STOP leaving your coat on the floor. Whenever he takes it off, he drops it on the floor. Wherever he was at the time. I pick his coat off the floor upwards of 20 times a day.

1. STOP staying up till 6am playing on the computer. I am sick of sleeping alone. We are married - I am not single so why do I sleep alone every night? You are nearly 40. This is insane.

1. START getting up before the afternoon. We have a 5 week old baby. I do all the night feeds then get up with him at 7am. You come downstairs in the afternoon. This is not fair. I appreciate if he sorts No. 2, No. 3 will follow.

1. STOP drinking so much. 1, sometimes 2 bottles of wine a night. Every night. Its a dangerous level. The other night he did 2 bottles of wine and half a bottle of port. I know its Christmas but you have a son now and he would like you to live a while.

1. STOP leaving the fecking back door wide open EVERY night when you come to bed. The house is freezing when I get up and just because we live in a naice area does not mean we are immune for being burgled. Especially when you have pretty much fecking invited them in.

1. STOP smoking. Again - you have a son now. For him and for you - stop. I know you are down to a few a day and you smoke outside (see back door issue) but STOP.

1. STOP opening a nicotine patch and leaving the scissors, patch wrapper and patch backing on the work top EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am SO tired of picking them up.

1. GO TO THE TIP. You have promised you will go every day for over a month. There is a pile of shite in the back garden and its getting bigger. Seriously - I cannot ask you again.

1. START doing some housework. Any house work. Even if you just pick up after yourself it would help. We haev a 5 week old. I am tired. You don't even close cupboard doors when you open them. In the mornings I can see exactly what you have done the night before by the trail you leave me.

I make him sound bad here - he isnt he is great but these things are doing my head in. I have asked and asked but nothing changes. I have no intention of "leaving the bastard" - I love him and he is a great husband apart from the above and a brilliant dad but I am at my wits end.

How do I get him to stop without becoming a nagging old trout?

Sorry - that was long I needed to rant.

Sorry terribly written ^ am trying to bath kids and type on laptop!

Does he cook? Can you give him a few specific household tasks like daily washing up? I say 'daily' because I think with people who don't see mess as a problem then you need to specify how often things need doing. Try telling him you're exhausted and please will he do the washing up/tidy the living room/cook dinner regularly.

Is he spending money with this computer gaming? My DH went through a phase of spending ££s on an online game and I was shocked at the amount he could go through in a month, and he was working full-time so couldn't spend nearly as much time on it. It's not one of those games where you have to buy currency in the game world, is it?

Going to the gym sounds good - will help his self esteem if he takes care of himself.

In august the agreement was just that he'd aim to get a job.in the new year. We always knew o would have to go back fairly early because of the nature of my job and we found a nursery we liked and were comfortable with that and my mum having him one day a week. We didn't make arrangements or agree on how anything else would work as I was rather naieve and thought everything would just slot into place

catgirl I think perhaps you are far to easy on him. You look after the baby, you let him do what he wants. I think he may also feel sidelined with DS.
My DH lost his job prior to my DS being born and took on the role of house Husband as it was the logical step. This mainly was looking after DS.
I understand that you have already reserved the creche but if DH doesn't have a job can you postpone the position ?
I am the main earner in my home and the stress I felt when I went back to work was immense, if you don't work as a team to resolve these issues now you are setting yourself up for a failure. I also work in a male dominated industry where any " mum " behaviour is deemed weak. Shitty but true.
He needs to man up and start taking care of the baby to give you a break. Can you plan some 'you' appointments for pre lunch some days and see if he is willing to step up. This would then give you a measure as to where you are really at.

Thanks proud x appreciate that and it makes me feel a bit more normal and not alone. I agree he's addicted to gaming and drink at the moment

Turtledovea was spending money downloading games. Just ten pounds here and there but one month I added it up and it was over a hundred quid. He was horrified and has not done that since. He really didn't realise how it had added up. I do give him chores to do but most of the time they don't get done and I end up back to.nagging

Sorry for my spelling am on stupid phone!

Hi Jen I.am really worried about going back to work. I love my job but its not my whole world now ds is here and they will be looking for any sign of "mum" behaviour so they can say "ah.look now you've had kids you're not as good / weak / lack focus".

How.did you cope with this as your job sounds similar to mine?

Think he may be depressed. The man has lost his job (self identity) what he needs is help and support. You don't bail out of marriage just because you run into problems (apart from violence).

First thing he needs to do is see the GP.

Congrats on your baby.

Okay, that's good re the money.

How does he react to criticism? I mean, if you sat him down for a serious talk about his behaviour, would he get angry and defensive, or would he be able to have a rational discussion and stay calm? I do think you need to explain to him a) your worries about his drinking and gaming and b) your frustration over the lack of help with chores. I'm just not sure how you ought to approach it, because not knowing him, it's impossible to know how he'll react to different approaches.

It sounds like there are some real positives being found here. Are you pleased it looks as if things are moving forward?

mountain buggy Flint. and baby jogger do make sure you buy a pram specifically for jogging and not just with sport or performance or jog in the title. need bigger wheels and good suspension

catgirl what I wish I had done was to have been more organized. My learnings were to make sure my expectations of Dh were clear. We clashed terribly with regards to how he did things and how I did, though the end result was the same.
With regards to work I found it important to be upfront on the hours I could commit to, although I still ended up doing 70+ hours at the start to show my commitment. Unsure if they saw it but I felt it
Work with Dh to ensure you are aligned on what you both expect each other to do.
Also you need to know that you won't be able to juggle as much as you did before. Accept all offers of help, but that is for when Dh can't do it!
Also you need to be a team. I think you should start giving Dh Ds men time , alone. You need me time, you can't be all things to everyone all of the time. You will struggle with the separation and demands of work so get him sorted and give yourself a break!

Is he going to be looking after the baby when you go back to work? How is he going to manage if he is up all night, only gets up in the afternoon, and drinks a lot?

I feel for you, you must be at the end of your tether. It is exhausting caring for a baby and to feel you are passing ships as he stays up late and thus gets up late, meanwhile you carry on and on. I can empathise a little with a nocturnal husband who stays up late, has had lie ins until lunch time almost every day this holiday, and drinks far too much.However he does work very hard and so the similarities end there.

I think you need to talk to him seriously, otherwise nothing will change, he has to want to change his ways. I hope things work out for you.

To all those daft posts telling op her dh should be playing with and entertaining his ds - he is only five weeks old! At that age all babies do is eat, sleep, burp and shit! Op, it took my dp a good few months (years) to adjust and I'm pleased I never gave up on him or the love we shared for each other and our child. Stick with it and I hope things improve for you.

his drinking, nocturnal habits,late awakening are impacting upon his ability to help op, interact with baby, and be as responsible as op would wish. when she return to work will her dp be ready and capable of safely watching a new baby, that's the concern

I read the first post and thought WTF? Then I read the rest and I agree with coldwed, your husband sounds depressed.

I'd be telling him he needs to get himself sorted, get him a GP's appointment with you there to get counselling, and then sort out the sleeping/drinking/tidying as soon as that's sorted.

If he's depressed the last thing he should be doing is drinking, it's a depressent and will make him 10 times worse, also the lack of sleep with the gaming all night. The first thing he needs to do is go to the GP and get some help, then he needs to unplug the computer, just 2 weeks without it will get rid of his gaming habit, it wears of pretty quickly. He needs to stop drinking full stop, no odd glass of wine or a nice cold beer, once someone has a problem with alcohol they need to quit completely. He needs to start applying for jobs asap, it will give him something to focus on and because jobs are thin on the ground and he could be job hunting for some time he needs to start enrolling onto courses etc which will keep him occupied and raise his chances of getting a job. He needs to man up and start taking care of himself, you shouldn't be picking up after him, he's a grown man, draw up a rota and stick it to the fridge if you have to, tell him that you won't be doing it so does he really want his kids being brought up in a shithole?

There isn't a softly softly approach to this, if you pussyfoot he'll just carry on as he is, he needs a giant kick up the arse. He needs to do this to keep his family together because you might be commited to staying with him right now, but if this is still going on a year from now believe me you'll feel alot different.

The gym is a good start but you need to do so much more. Whilst you may be the main earner, planning a baby when your hubby had no job was a huge risk and letting your DH choose to not work for six months as you were pg has obviously led him to believe you support his choices.

As an aside, what do your parents think re providing childcare when your DH will just be sat at home?

My mum is dying to look after get grandson one day a week. They don't think this is an issue and dh is meant to be job hunting, doing his freelance work and when he does get a job, working.

There was no risk to me having a baby when dh was not working as this is a minor impact in financial terms. Him not working is only an issue as he has lost routine, pride and social interaction.

As an update, he cooked dinner last night and has promised to get up at ten am this morning to try to start getting back into a normal routine.

Throw the console / computer out of the window. (I personally would actually do this). Seems that's the main reason for the late nights, drinking and lack of routine.

I'm glad he is starting to make a bit of an effort.

I agree with the others that he is not being a great father or husband right now. Was he going to carry on sleeping in and letting you pick up after him until you dropped? I work long hours and did have a similar problem with DH for a while (without the drinking /smoking). He used to lie in, stay up late expect me to do a lot of the housework even though he was home all day and I was doing 10 -12 hr days in a high pressure job plus the school run.

DH was depressed although he wouldn't see his GP about it (apparently I was the problem not him ). He had been injured at work and lost his job. I made it clear to him that I regarded looking after the home and children as a very important job which did help a bit. However, I also used to bustle into the bedroom and put the light on / open the curtains etc so he couldn't comfortably stay in bed all morning (a bit of judicious hoovering can be very effective!). It took a couple of weeks of this to break the staying up late / sleeping late habit but his body clock did resent. DH is now working from home which has helped. Can your DH recognise that his graphic design work is a job not a hobby and so he has to take a businesslike approach to it.

One simple question, if you DH is getting through 1-2 bottles of wine a night is he buying it on a daily basis or are you bulk buying? If you are bulk buying, stop it now, if its not there he won't be able to absent mindedly drink it. It will take a lot more thought and effort to go out and buy wine every day which might help him recognise how much he is getting through.

Oh, and stop picking up after him. If his coat is on the floor leave it there, step on it if its in your way until he gets the message.

reset not resent

catgirl good news!