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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not have any resoutions for myself but could write a LIST for DH

173 replies

catgirl1976 · 01/01/2012 19:25

I love him to bits but I have got a load of resolutions he should make.

I am not a naggy type and I don't want to cause a row on New Years Day but some of these things are driving me insane and I need him to sort them out.

I worry I may be losing perspective as, other than drop the baby weight, I haven't made up any for me. To be fair - we have a 5 week old baby so the drinking and smoking went out of the window when I found out I was pregnant and I don't really have any other bad habits (at least I think I don't).

DH's resolutions would be as follows:

  1. STOP leaving your coat on the floor. Whenever he takes it off, he drops it on the floor. Wherever he was at the time. I pick his coat off the floor upwards of 20 times a day.
  1. STOP staying up till 6am playing on the computer. I am sick of sleeping alone. We are married - I am not single so why do I sleep alone every night? You are nearly 40. This is insane.
  1. START getting up before the afternoon. We have a 5 week old baby. I do all the night feeds then get up with him at 7am. You come downstairs in the afternoon. This is not fair. I appreciate if he sorts No. 2, No. 3 will follow.
  1. STOP drinking so much. 1, sometimes 2 bottles of wine a night. Every night. Its a dangerous level. The other night he did 2 bottles of wine and half a bottle of port. I know its Christmas but you have a son now and he would like you to live a while.
  1. STOP leaving the fecking back door wide open EVERY night when you come to bed. The house is freezing when I get up and just because we live in a naice area does not mean we are immune for being burgled. Especially when you have pretty much fecking invited them in.
  1. STOP smoking. Again - you have a son now. For him and for you - stop. I know you are down to a few a day and you smoke outside (see back door issue) but STOP.
  1. STOP opening a nicotine patch and leaving the scissors, patch wrapper and patch backing on the work top EVERY SINGLE DAY. I am SO tired of picking them up.
  1. GO TO THE TIP. You have promised you will go every day for over a month. There is a pile of shite in the back garden and its getting bigger. Seriously - I cannot ask you again.
  1. START doing some housework. Any house work. Even if you just pick up after yourself it would help. We haev a 5 week old. I am tired. You don't even close cupboard doors when you open them. In the mornings I can see exactly what you have done the night before by the trail you leave me.

I make him sound bad here - he isnt he is great but these things are doing my head in. I have asked and asked but nothing changes. I have no intention of "leaving the bastard" - I love him and he is a great husband apart from the above and a brilliant dad but I am at my wits end.

How do I get him to stop without becoming a nagging old trout?

Sorry - that was long I needed to rant.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 01/01/2012 22:18

Sorry, but WTAF??? He doesn't work (apart from some freelance) and he'll be looking after your DS for ONE DAY PER WEEK??? Surely if he wants to keep the freelance going, he could look after him for three days per week (minimum), leaving the other two for paid work/housework. Seriously, I'm not being flippant. From your previous posts, you came across as intelligent and self assured. So how could you possibly think this is OK or even borderline acceptable?

SkinnyWhiteBoy · 01/01/2012 22:18

Why hasn't he got a job?
Ok, he lost his job a year ago - why hasn't he gotten another one. Even if it's stacking shelves in a supermarket.
Is it possible he's depressed? Being out of work can be a real blow to someone's self esteem, and I've been through a similar situation with my ex (job loss, up till all hours, sleeping til the afternoon).
I think getting a job that gets him up and out and doing anything would be a good start.
Do you really want to go back to work when your child is just 7 weeks old (even if only one day a week)? Would you rather stay home longer if it was financially possible?

SuePurblybilt · 01/01/2012 22:21

Lovely, HOW is he lovely in every other way? How many other ways can there be? He's not supporting you financially, around the house, parenting......
He drinks and smokes all your money away. He never does as you ask. I am guessing that you're not shagging all the time, as he's gaming every night and you have your DC around all day. He's not considerate, he lets you pick up after him constantly.

Honestly - how is he being such a great father/husband? When? Because being lovely 'the rest of the time' is not much cop when 'the rest' accounts for about 5% of your lives.

scottishmummy · 01/01/2012 22:24

vestibule you're not moderator,and im saying same as most other folks
so sugar coat any way. you wish,they are both being dysfunctional
and op venting staring folks

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 01/01/2012 23:48

Yes please Olivia thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
catgirl1976 · 01/01/2012 23:52

I don't want to go back to work when SD is seven weeks old but I don't have a choice. I will sort this with dh and things have only got this bad fairly recently.

The reason he isn't doing more childcare when I go back to work us because the plan us for him to get a job. I do think he was depressed but ds being born has changed that and now he just needs to break the habits he got in to

OP posts:
Original poster
catgirl1976 · 01/01/2012 23:56

And the positives are he is kind, clever, funny, my best friend my soul mate, good looking, good in bed, besotted with our son, knows me better than anyone else. Makes me laugh, gives ne good advice and us my favourite person in the whole world. I have been with him fourteen years. These problems are relatively recent

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 02/01/2012 00:07

OP, I really hope this thread gives you the reality check you need. He's behaving absolutely appallingly. Please take note of the fact that other women who've had similar problems with the men in their life are referring to their ex-husbands. I do agree with the others that you need to get this sorted now, before you lose all respect for him- for instance, you could very quickly start resenting having to go back to work and leave a 7 week-old baby. I don't know about your best friend and soul mate, you don't sound from your OP like you like him very much, and that will only get worse.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 02/01/2012 00:10

I do like him. I was just annoyed. I get a bit tired with the baby and it all just feels a bit much but I have probably made it sound much worse than it is. I just get frustrated as he acts like a teenager sometimes.

OP posts:
SantieMaggie · 02/01/2012 00:14

omg i could so write dp a list... he'd tell me to fuck off though!

scottishmummy · 02/01/2012 00:16

you make excuses and platitudes for this man
you're simply not ready to hear,or contemplate that your soul mate is a chancer

fair enough, but nowt will change until you two ae changes

McHappyPants2012 · 02/01/2012 00:31

she is not married to a wanker, she is married to a gamer.

perhaps her husband is depressed and using alcholic drinks because he feels like a faliure not being able to provide for his family.

tallwivglasses · 02/01/2012 00:34

And the positives are he is kind, clever, funny, my best friend my soul mate, good looking, good in bed, besotted with our son, knows me better than anyone else. Makes me laugh, gives ne good advice and us my favourite person in the whole world.

That's your reward for picking his coat up off the floor 20 times a day. You stop doing that, I wonder how lovely he'd be...

Frankly, I'd have murdered him by now.

scottishmummy · 02/01/2012 00:38

perhaps if he didn't tank 2 bottle wine night,he may be able to provide for his family,by being sober,alert,and help around house to his new baby

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 02/01/2012 00:42

He is great with the baby. Just in the afternoon and night but still great with him

OP posts:
LeBOF · 02/01/2012 00:43

When do you get time for this magical sex?

scottishmummy · 02/01/2012 00:44

every one of your posts op has but to excuse his fuckwittery

McHappyPants2012 · 02/01/2012 00:45

when someone is depressed then they can not see this.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 02/01/2012 00:45

To be fair there hasn't been much sec recently but ds was nine pounds one and a forceps delivery so its not top of my list at the moment :-)

OP posts:
Original poster
catgirl1976 · 02/01/2012 00:46

Sex even. Stupid phone.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 02/01/2012 08:52

'the plan was for him to get a job' but it has been a year and he hasn't. So you have to go back to work 7 weeks post birth and he isn't even doing the childcare?
Mate he is taking you for a MUG and you are making excuse after excuse. Nobody is saying he is a bad person but he is a lazy, entitled, selfish person by everything that you yourself have recounted. Jesus. You poor woman, he has done a proper number on you.

dreamingbohemian · 02/01/2012 09:07

Okay, if you've been together 14 years, and it's only the last year (right?) that he's been behaving like this, I can see why you want to sort things rather than bin him.

But you need to get a more realistic perspective in order to rein this in. Instead of saying, he's great, I love him, I'm just a little annoyed -- it really should be more like, what happened to the great husband I used to have? Because the one I have now is not acceptable. And he needs to understand that if he doesn't change things around, your marriage will not survive.

That is the ONLY incentive that will get him to change. And isn't it true? Do you really want to stay married to him if he is like this for the next ten years?

Finally, priority number one is to get him a job. Him losing his job a year ago is NOT an excuse for him not having a job now and you should stop portraying it like that, it's only enabling him. Yes there's a recession but no doubt he could be doing more work than he is now if he wasn't drinking and sleeping all day.

And the baby going to your mum if he's not working? That's just crazy.
It will, however, enable him to keep to his ridiculous schedule. Stop enabling him!
Tell him if he's not working by that time, he will be taking care of baby on his own one day a week. Surely he would want to??? And it will force him out of this rut.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 02/01/2012 09:07

the plan still is for him to get a job with him starting to look in the new year (well now). hopefully he will

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 02/01/2012 09:09

Is he going to find a full-time job in the next two weeks? No. Tell him he'll be having DS one day a week until he finds something.

Original poster
catgirl1976 · 02/01/2012 09:10

and i would have to go back to work thisearly even if he was working. thats to do with my job being very cut throat and male industry. my pregnancy is the 2nd in the companies 20 year history and is frowned on. not in a proveable at tribunal way but in a very real way in terms of career impact :(

OP posts: