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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if all first time new mums find it hard at some point to some degree?

296 replies

Ohnoredundo · 31/12/2011 21:10

Was having a discussion my cousin the other day (no children). Her best friend has recently had a baby (4 months ago) and I asked how she was finding it. "Great!" she said. "She thinks having a baby is easy and wants another soon." "Oh," replied slightly miffed and a bit jealous. I didn't know which way was up for the first few months of DC's life, but even so...to say it's easy? Really? I said that I thought all new mums find it challenging at some points, and promptly got my head bitten off: "Not everyone finds it as hard as you have...". Ooof. So is it just me? Or are there people who did find becoming a mum for the first time easy?

OP posts:
toptramp · 01/01/2012 17:57

I think it is one of those things that will always have it's hard stages. It is a hundred times harder than I thought and also a hundred times more wonderful. I just can't wait until my 3 year old is old enough to sit and read books with me so I can finally sit down and read a decent book myself! Here's hoping she's like me in that respect! I am quite excited about moving on from toddler stage now.

WoodyAllenJesus · 01/01/2012 17:58

I think it depends how hard on YOURSELF you are, to some extent.
I'm a real perfectionist and if I feel it's going less-than-perfect (which of course it DOES, all the time) then I feel a failure. Combine this with my honesty about telling people this, and terrible self-deprecation, and I'm the exact opposite of your cousin's mate...

An acquaintance of mine has a DC1 2wks older than mine and if I try to engage her in any "ooh isn't it difficult when..." type convos she'll act like that never happens for her and she's just breezing through it and makes me feel like shit and the shittest. Mum in the world. She's v over-confident though so I've stopped bothering as it does zero for my self esteem.

In short I think you're right.

NoHunIntended · 01/01/2012 17:59

DS is coming up to 15 months, and I have found it very easy. Far easier than going to work. Not as easy as sitting on a sun lounger on holiday.
It helps of course that he has been a very happy, easy, charming baby: he took to BFing readily and easily, never had reflux/colic or threw up, sleeps great (well, we co-sleep, which makes things easy if he wakes for a feed or a snuggle), and I am a SAHM which means I have no demands on my time elsewhere, and I don't get frazzled if he is up late - we just sleep later the next day. Really has been very easy ... at least, up til now. He's just started talking, and he climbs up everywhere, and I have to run to keep up, so it's now that things may start getting harder - but I still can't believe it will be harder than the job I did beforehand, not so much the job itself, but dealing with certain colleagues who played games, that sort of thing, so compared to that, spending time with my baby has been a piece of cake!
And I have a sweet, supportive lovely DH, which always helps.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 01/01/2012 18:04

not so much toptramp but then I did go back to uni twice a week when DS was 5 months old and kept up hobbies then went back to work when he was 9 months so my own life was very much ongoing along with new parenthood. And I have had jobs that were so much more emotionally and physically draining and soul destroying than staying at home with my own child even on a bad day. I loved GF as well so felt some element of control over things too even though I was only picking and choosing bits (I didn't want to ALWAYS be housebound at specific nap times during the day)

and I had a spring baby, I really think that makes a difference - I got out every day even if it was just for a short stroll and spent a lot of mat leave sitting outside coffee shops which was quite pleasant. I imagine it's harder to stay upbeat with a winter newborn when there's only limited day light and getting out and about is much more of a commitment. I think I'ld have felt very much on house arrest if I'ld had him at a different time of year!

ReduceRecycleRegift · 01/01/2012 18:14

... till he was 3 months, then I didn't feel up to going anywhere but being a BF martyr probably had a lot to do with that.

molly3478 · 01/01/2012 18:37

I agree with other opinions written on here that if you go with the flow and are laid back then it is more fun and enjoyable. I dont recognise the needless worrying about things constantly, just enjoy it because when your older you will regret it and can never get the time back. Also some points are hard with kids at times but I dont think any harder than what life was like pre pregnancies (not for me anyway)

kellibabylove · 01/01/2012 19:25

I found it surprisingly easy with both of mine.... until they turned 2 & started running rings around us! Now they are 3 & 4 its back to being pretty much effortless & a complete joy again. We have decided not to have another because the terrible twos, twice is quite enough :)

naughtymummy · 01/01/2012 19:32

I wasn't bored we used to go and see people all the time. I found a soley bf baby highly portable, just took a couple of nappies and a sling. I also had a spring babyso it was pleasant to be out and about. It got harder when he started to need food and naps at certain times, around 7 months,this also coincided with winter, so was a much bigger faff. I never felt like I had lost myself, I just bought him along with me.

toptramp · 01/01/2012 19:36

I loved some of it but I'm not going to say that the life change wasn't a shock- because it was. But then I am a single mum, went through pregnancy alone and didn't do the settling down thing first. I went from single party animal to mum. I would love to have married first and eased my way into it.

I did get all nesty though and got REALLY into interior design, jewellery design and baking; hobbies which i still love.

I maintain that for me it has been a mixture of magic and mahem; the best of times; the worst of times.

ReduceRecycleRegift · 01/01/2012 19:38

I was also of the opinion that if 2nd, 3rd, 4th babies coped fine with tagging along with their older siblings time tables, so there was no reason why a first baby can't just tag along with a lot of its parents normal activities. We still did city breaks and festivals etc

toptramp · 01/01/2012 19:43

I did Glastonbury; without dd. It was amazing [GRIN]

I did take her to the local folk festival which we both loved but I did enjoy my wild weekend of rock n roll.

FreudianSlipper · 01/01/2012 19:45

i was lucky i found it easyish, but very tiring, can hardly remember the first few months but i was confident in my choices and ds was an easy laid back baby

but throughout my pregnancy i was being told how hard it will be for me coping on my own blah blah blah well the pregnancy for me was much much harder. yes there were some difficult times but looking after ds (apart from when he was ill and ended up in hospital) i didn't struggle with ds was everything else going on

when he turned two it all changed ... he is four now. i no longer find it easy but probably more enjoyable between the tantrums

Jojay · 01/01/2012 19:46

I found ds1 easy - he was angelic and I felt almost guilty when friends said how hard they were finding it.

Ds2 was different all together and I understood what everyone was on about - he was hard work.

I now have a 5yo, a 3yo and 5 mth old twins and life is definitely tough at times!

None of it was as bad as being pg with twins though. That took tough to a new league and having 4 kids under 5, as they were at the time, is a breeze in comparison.

bigkidsdidit · 01/01/2012 19:47

I didn't find it massively limiting as I bf too and had no probs doing it in public, and DS hated the pram anyway so we just wore a sling constantly. It was so much easier being at home than dealing with work and I loved not having a boss! So much so that now I'm considering becoming self employed.
I didn't miss going out to get pissed much as o never really liked that anyway - to me, having a baby is the best excuse ever never to have to go out again!

FlightRisk · 01/01/2012 19:50

Bloody Hell I still think its hard 10 years on. The friend will have them days at some point we all do Xx

JugglingWithGoldandMyrhh · 01/01/2012 19:52

I was very happy after the birth of dd, and found most things fairly easy perhaps as I'd looked after babies before so it wasn't all new. Also fortunate that BFing came very naturally to dd and I. Even so was slightly alarmed at lack of sleep ....

Found it all much more challenging 2 1/2 yrs later when DS arrived and joined the party Grin Juggling everything became more of a challenge and dropped more than a few of those spinning plates ! I guess I'm more of a one thing at a time person - no matter what it is I'm OK, but give me two easier things to deal with at the same time and I go into meltdown ! Women are supposed to be able to do multi-tasking aren't they ? Hmmm Xmas Hmm

ReduceRecycleRegift · 01/01/2012 19:55

good point there freudianslipper, I found pregnancy constantly exhausting, painful, terrifying and emotional. Having the baby out of me where I could see it was okay so much easier in every way, the instant relief was amazing.

And when you're pregnant and its exhausting you you still have to get up and go to work. New baby was easy peasy after a shitty pregnancy!

FreudianSlipper · 01/01/2012 20:07

i actually felt really well and full of energy while pregnant. it was working with the ex and getting no support from him (understatement) i needed him and that was so hard after ds was born it was not so important. i am glad i did feel physically well as i feel i really would have struggled after ds was born

thepeoplesprincess · 01/01/2012 20:16

YADNBU. Of course it's immeasurably difficult to go from suiting yourself all day to not even be able to do toilet or see a friend for coffee without World War III conditions. Anyone who claims otherwise is either a dullard, a martyr or flat out lying.

Firawla · 01/01/2012 20:16

birdsofshoreandsea that's a bit of a strange point of view - if people cope well and don't find their new babies and children hard then its because they not competant and they don't "get it" ?!?!? how do you work that one out exactly??
if they are happy and well, children are happy and well, cared for and looked after properly then what is it you think they are missing?

Firawla · 01/01/2012 20:22

peoplesprincess thats presuming there are ww3 conditions though! people can go to toilet and out for coffee whilst being a new mum, without it being a major event.
okay some people find it hard but why insult those who don't, just makes you look jealous, rather than accepting some people find different things difficult than others. why so difficult to believe that not everyone has the same experience?

birdsofshoreandsea · 01/01/2012 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Firawla · 01/01/2012 20:26

I know but just because they are not finding it hard does not automatically mean they are not happy and well, so how come you are presuming it does? Maybe they don't find it hard cos they just dont! rather than they don't find it hard cos they don't bother looking after them properly, which is what you seem to be implying

molly3478 · 01/01/2012 20:28

I think its madness when people talk about ww3 conditions, not being able to get dressed, eat out, go to the toilet just because they have young children. Unless they have pnd or a severe medical condition surely that isnt normal? Just put them in a sling and go in for a wee!

thepeoplesprincess · 01/01/2012 20:32

I fundamentally disagree with you on that one. My two are both at school and I'm now in the position of being able to go to Tesco without a small child threatening to piss on the floor in the bakery section, or go out for coffee without a bored toddler dropkicking any and all passing OAPS and it is 10000x easier by anybodys standards.

I can only assume you're so stuck in the mummy zone that your brain is simply incapable of remembering how carefree life was before you were dictated to by sticky midget-Nazis 28/7.