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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this situation's 'resolution' is completely unfair?

335 replies

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 22:50

My son who is 17 is gay. When people chat about their children in the office, I do so about my son and his younger sister. I've mentioned my son's boyfriend in conversation briefly. I've mentioned some bullying he got at school and how we dealt with it. I've mentioned how next year we're giving him permission to go to Pride because we think he's old enough now. I also talk about my daughter's activities and friends just as much. I talk about my son's school work, friends and activities too. Talking about my son within the context of him being gay has been no more than any other member of my office talking about their children's sexuality in the context of their boyfriends, girlfriends, dates etc. This chat does not go on all the time nor does it impede work. It will be while a few of us have our coffee break together etc.

One woman who has recently joined my office told me that she can't believe I'm so blase about my son 'being a homosexual and engaging in that type of behaviour'. She has also has told me that I'm an irresponsible parent for allowing him to go to Pride because 'goodness knows what he could get up to and surely you have to think of your daughter.' She has quoted scriptures at me and yesterday gave me a card that basically said that if he carried on in this course my son was going to hell and I would be to blame! Oh, and that she'd pray for me! Throughout all of this I have kept civil with her. I tried reasoning with her. I then said that we obviously would not agree but that I was as proud of my son as my daughter and would carry on being so. I made a point of trying not to be obnoxious and 'rub it in her face' to make a point but still not, when talking to the others, to change my behaviour or suddenly act as if I should be ashamed of him and talk differently. Every single member of the office has rolled their eyes at me when she has insisted on carrying on with her behaviour or has actually spoken to me in a "WHAT is her problem?" type of way.

Anyway, my boss approached me today. This woman had complained to him that I was 'inflicting my views upon her' and that she was being made to feel uncomfortable. My boss asked me to not mention my son in office conversation anymore. I asked him if he was going to make that rule for all or just me. His reaction was that I was being 'over-sensitive and should try to be more accommodating of others' beliefs.' He then had to rush off to a meeting so I didn't see him again today. We have the bank holiday and so I have until Tuesday to think of what I want to say as I feel I need to talk to him more and stress my firm objections to the way he is handling this. AIBU?

OP posts:
nancy75 · 30/12/2011 22:53

I think your boss was wrong, she is forcing her beliefs on you. I don't really have an answer as to what you can do. I would rather my child be gay than religious anyday of the week.

Sirzy · 30/12/2011 22:53

She is being unreasonable as is your boss.

He is your son and his sexuality should have no impact upon you being able to talk about him. I wouldn't stop talking about him, i doubt there is anything your boss can do to stop you that wouldn't end up with him in trouble for discrimination.

How would they cope if they ever had to actually work with someone who is gay?

rogersmellyonthetelly · 30/12/2011 22:54

Yanbu. You are inflicting your beliefs on her? How exactly?

rhondajean · 30/12/2011 22:54

Do you have the card? Give it to your boss and tell hi it is his legal responsibility to protect you from this sort of harassment.

Then phone either ACAS or your union.

So sad and angry for you, you sound a lovely mum.

hester · 30/12/2011 22:55

Your boss is well out of order, and YANBU. The question is: what do you do about it?

I am gay and spend my life making quick judgements about when to make a fuss and when to just smile and wave, smile and wave. I have no idea what your workplace is like, or how secure your job is, so wouldn't dream of saying what I think you should do. But it is outrageous and you shouldn't have to put up with this. Does your organisation have an equal opportunities policy? Are you in a union?

PeaceofCakeAndGoodWineToAllMN · 30/12/2011 22:55

Surly she's inflicting her views upon you?? He's your son, you're proud of him. She sounds incredibly intollerant, she should be accommodating to you as well as you to her. I'd stand up and point this out to him.

rootietootie · 30/12/2011 22:56

You are not BU. If my boss had said that to me I'd be flaming livid. Its blatant homophobia imo displayed by the woman and poor hr management by your boss.

unreasonablemuch · 30/12/2011 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twoofus · 30/12/2011 22:56

certainly not bu, it was the quoting scriptures bit ... how did you keep your cool ? talk to your boss turn the tables the god bod is making you feel uncomfortable, ask what they intend to do about it

DreamsInBinary · 30/12/2011 22:57

Your boss is being hugely unreasonable. How large is the company? Do you have a documented diversity policy?

I think another chat with your boss and then a trip to HR is required.

molschambers · 30/12/2011 22:57

Sorry but your boss should have had that conversation with her. He is wrong and YANBU.

Other woman sounds very much like my MIL God help me a nightmare.

frumpet · 30/12/2011 22:58

I have been to a pride event ,i'm hetrosexual , rather regrettably nothing untoward happened to me . I think you need to make this person look as stupid as she sounds , therefore from now on refer to your son as ' he who must not be named ' in all converstions . If anyone asks why , say you could not possibly say as you wouldn't want to upset anyone who is homophobic .

Or

Take her outside and give her the kicking that God believes she deserves .

I am sure someone will be along with something more substantial soon.

raffle · 30/12/2011 22:59

She gave you a card? Was it your birthday? Late Christmas card? Or just a general-common-everyday Homophobic rant card?! What the actual fuck?

Maryz · 30/12/2011 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepingWithGhosts · 30/12/2011 22:59

YANBU at all!

You have just as much right to talk about your son as any one else does and if any one is trying to force their views on others it is the other lady.

I would question the boss about this, surely it comes under discrimination laws.

Also as an adult in a same sex relationship I want to say a huge thank you to you for being so supportive of your son. I wish my mum could be as open and accepting as you are and I promise you that your son will appreciate you for it.

Rerevisionist · 30/12/2011 22:59

This reply has been deleted

You are bieng somewhat unreasonable. Male homosexuality involves anal sex which is dangerous. Don't imagine everyone ought to tolerate any behaviour. Just get on with your life.

jasper · 30/12/2011 23:00

I'm shocked. The woman is astonishingly rude and your boss is in the wrong to try to smooth over her rudeness . Boss should be having words with rude woman , not you

missingmumxox · 30/12/2011 23:00

If you still have the card, I would just hand your boss that, she is intitled to her ideas however horrible they are but she is forcing them on you as well, so unless you have tried to sign her up for a pride event :) I would having put my point across to the boss, just act all reasonable and ignore the witch and carry on talking as you do about your son and daughter as I imagine I do about my littlies (6) with pride, love and exasperation :)

muffinino82 · 30/12/2011 23:01

YANBU at all. FFS, maybe this bigot should not speak to anyone/watch television/read books if she doesn't like the mention of beliefs that contradict hers. She is being ridiculous and your boss is discriminating against you on the basis of your son's sexuality (although whether that would stand up in court, I don't know!). Of course you should not have to avoid mention your son or any other homosexual you may know for that matter! I'm seething for you Angry I would say that she is 'inflicting her views upon me' and that I was being made to feel uncomfortable.

I'm very lucky as where I work (civil service) there is a diverse work force in terms of gender/sexuality/race/disability etc. I've only heard of one case of a staff member having trouble due to their sexuality which is currently being investigated. The managers will come down like a tonne of bricks on anyone who discriminates for any of these reasons.

WorkingClassMum · 30/12/2011 23:01

Put this on a small card on your desk

^?Some people say homosexuality is a sin. It?s not. God is perfectly cool with it, God feels the exact same way about homosexuality that God feels about heterosexuality. Now you might say, ?Whoa, slow down. You move too fast. How could you have the audacity, the temerity, to speak on behalf of God?? Exactly, that?s an excellent point and I pray that you remember it.?

Ted Alexandro^

chinam · 30/12/2011 23:01

YADNBU, I cannot believe your bosses attitude. Why should a biggot be allowed to dictate what you can and can't talk about???

jasper · 30/12/2011 23:01

Rerevisionist, good point. There are unexploded bombs , gunpowder and alsorts up the average back passage

Original poster
LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 23:02

I've tried to be nice so far. I was going to see my boss today about the card because that was a step too far as far as I was concerned. It actually made me cry because it was so hateful wrapped in this 'nice' coating of being so concerned. Before I could, I got asked into his office. He quickly explained and then said that I was being too PC and 'over-sensitive...'. Then, he just said that he had to go because he was running late before I could get anything else out! I was just speechless.

I've not spoken up before because it wasn't work related but you all think that HR and my union would back me up even though it isn't directly about me or my work but my family?

OP posts:
NannyPlumIsMyMum · 30/12/2011 23:02

I am sorry but you sound like you are experiencing victimisation - from not only your colleague but your boss too . He is treading a very fine line by saying that to you. In your position I would get half an hours free advice from a local solicitor if you don't have a union.
You sound like a brilliant mum .
Do not let these people bully you.

muffinino82 · 30/12/2011 23:03

You are bieng somewhat unreasonable. Male homosexuality involves anal sex which is dangerous. Don't imagine everyone ought to tolerate any behaviour. Just get on with your life.

Good one. Is opposite gender or female/female sex that involves anal sex ok? Have you ever tried it?

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