Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14

Original poster

to think this situation's 'resolution' is completely unfair?

335 replies

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 22:50

My son who is 17 is gay. When people chat about their children in the office, I do so about my son and his younger sister. I've mentioned my son's boyfriend in conversation briefly. I've mentioned some bullying he got at school and how we dealt with it. I've mentioned how next year we're giving him permission to go to Pride because we think he's old enough now. I also talk about my daughter's activities and friends just as much. I talk about my son's school work, friends and activities too. Talking about my son within the context of him being gay has been no more than any other member of my office talking about their children's sexuality in the context of their boyfriends, girlfriends, dates etc. This chat does not go on all the time nor does it impede work. It will be while a few of us have our coffee break together etc.

One woman who has recently joined my office told me that she can't believe I'm so blase about my son 'being a homosexual and engaging in that type of behaviour'. She has also has told me that I'm an irresponsible parent for allowing him to go to Pride because 'goodness knows what he could get up to and surely you have to think of your daughter.' She has quoted scriptures at me and yesterday gave me a card that basically said that if he carried on in this course my son was going to hell and I would be to blame! Oh, and that she'd pray for me! Throughout all of this I have kept civil with her. I tried reasoning with her. I then said that we obviously would not agree but that I was as proud of my son as my daughter and would carry on being so. I made a point of trying not to be obnoxious and 'rub it in her face' to make a point but still not, when talking to the others, to change my behaviour or suddenly act as if I should be ashamed of him and talk differently. Every single member of the office has rolled their eyes at me when she has insisted on carrying on with her behaviour or has actually spoken to me in a "WHAT is her problem?" type of way.

Anyway, my boss approached me today. This woman had complained to him that I was 'inflicting my views upon her' and that she was being made to feel uncomfortable. My boss asked me to not mention my son in office conversation anymore. I asked him if he was going to make that rule for all or just me. His reaction was that I was being 'over-sensitive and should try to be more accommodating of others' beliefs.' He then had to rush off to a meeting so I didn't see him again today. We have the bank holiday and so I have until Tuesday to think of what I want to say as I feel I need to talk to him more and stress my firm objections to the way he is handling this. AIBU?

OP posts:

frumpet · 30/12/2011 23:03

Anal sex is DANGEROUS , how exactly ?

ImpOfThePerverse · 30/12/2011 23:03

If you or someone else who worked in the office was gay you would definitely be protected by employment law from harassment by imbeciles homophobes. I don't know how this relates to relatives of employees but I assume telling you not to talk about your son would still be considered discriminatory.

There are some work situations where I'd keep quiet in order to provide a peaceful working environment but this certainly isn't one of them. This woman and your boss need to realise that they can't treat people differently because of their sexuality.

If someone told me I wasn't allowed to talk about either of my DSs I'd have a very hard time remaining civil, telling you your son is going to hell is just vile. YANBU at all!

MsHighwater · 30/12/2011 23:03

I think it is absolutely vital that you remain civil, calm and measured. At the moment, you have the moral high ground and it is important that you do not lose it. Clearly your boss is wrong to ask you not to mention your son in office conversations again. My guess is he fears the problems she could cause more than he fears your reaction.
The next time you talk to him, have someone else neutral in on the conversation and explain your position on the matter; if it is a large organisation with an HR department, you might want to consult any applicable policies. While it would be useful to know what other colleagues think, be careful about doing anything that would seem to be ganging up on the other woman.

feelokaboutit · 30/12/2011 23:03

YANBU. There is no way you should stop mentioning your son in office conversation any more. Just as your colleague has every right to talk about her religion if she so chooses, you have every right to talk about your son. This is almost 2012, not the dark ages. Being homosexual is either something that you are or that you are not, and your son is very lucky to have such lovely parents (you are just being normal of course, but I'm sure there are other parents who would make it difficult for their children) who totally accept the person he is and he is therefore able to flourish and blossom into the person he is supposed to be.
I would ask to have a meeting with both your boss and your colleague (together). Your colleague has to understand that by quoting scriptures at you and telling you he is going to go to hell, she is inflicting her views upon you, not the other way around.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/12/2011 23:03

YANBU

But then I'm amazed how much of your family's personal life you discuss at work with someone who is clearly a colleague rather than a friend.

MrsCarriePooter · 30/12/2011 23:04

You need to go to HR, assuming you have one - your boss was totally out of order. You should be able to file a grievance of your own. You are being harassed because of your son's sexuality - which is associated discrimination because of sexual orientation under the Equality Act 2010, if you want to get all technical on them. She is the one being unreasonable, not you.

catsareevil · 30/12/2011 23:04

Of course YANBU. What about your right to not have religious nonsense shoved down your throat?

You could just send your boss an email saying that you werent quite sure what he wanted you to do, could he just clarify it?

nancy75 · 30/12/2011 23:05

To be fair to the boss he has handled it badly but the woman has probably gone to him banging her big old religious drum spouting shit about how she's being victimised because of her religion blah blah blah, that kind of stuff tends to frighten bosses.

HattiFattner · 30/12/2011 23:05

Rerevisionist , I hate to break it to you, but many heterosexual couples indulge in consensual anal sex. Its not just gays. Even priests are doing it these days....

runningwilde · 30/12/2011 23:05

Bloody hell, I almost cannot believe I am reading this! Yanbu at all and that stupid woman is so out of order and your boss is too. Please take the advice about taking this matter further and complaining about her behaviour as she is being totally inapropriate and is discriminating against your rigt to talk freely. I am so mad for you! She needs to know that she cannot get away with this - the cow. Arghh! The cheek of her.

jasper · 30/12/2011 23:05

Rerevisionist, FYI male homosexual sex does NOT always involve anal penetration.
Google Dan Savage and educate yourself

squeakytoy · 30/12/2011 23:06

Male homosexuality involves anal sex which is dangerous

I suppose if you did it at 7am in the middle lane of the M25 it could be more dangerous than a man and a woman doing it in their bed...

jasper · 30/12/2011 23:06

Oolong those priests love a bit of DANGER

muffinino82 · 30/12/2011 23:06

I'd probably go to work wearing one of these (the t-shirt, not the bearded Ian!)

Get Over It

NannyPlumIsMyMum · 30/12/2011 23:07

O rerevisionist do get a grip.
Apart from your hateful attitude did you realise that quite a lot of heterosexuals have anal sex too ?

MudAndGlitter · 30/12/2011 23:07

You sound like a lovely mum. The religious fanatic is being very out of order and so is your boss.
I can't believe people still hold views like this, is she older?

thepeoplesprincess · 30/12/2011 23:08

Your boss is DBU. The other woman is entitled to her beliefs/lifestyle as is your son, but it's not ok for your boss to pick and choose who he discriminates against.

Original poster

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 23:09

The thing is that what astounds me is the ridiculous assumption that my son is some sort of perverted monster. I really think she thinks my daughter is in danger of 'catching' something off him. Just ugh!

We try to support both our children and my son happens to like boys. Who bloody cares? I'm looking forward to having a lovely son-in-law one day just as much as my dd's future partner hopefully.

OP posts:

missingmumxox · 30/12/2011 23:09

Rerevisionist I believe us hetros can indulge in anal sex as well...or am I missing that particular orific? that said after a wild night in the 1990's...we never did find that mouse trap!

tethersend · 30/12/2011 23:10

So does this mean that your boss is now refusing to employ anybody in the future who is openly gay for fear of upsetting this woman?

Or would he intend to employ that person but warn them not to speak about their private lives?

Because I'm pretty sure there are laws against both of those things...

runningwilde · 30/12/2011 23:12

Also am openmouthed at rerevisionist's comment...

What on earth has it got to do with you what people get up to in their own bedrooms rerevisionist?!

So sad that there are so many bigoted people out there still

marriedinwhite · 30/12/2011 23:12

Her attitude towards you is homophobic by association. Sexual Orientation is a protected characteristic under the Equalities Act 2010. The woman's behaviour is discriminatory and unacceptable.

What you can do rather depends on the sort of company you work for but if you work in the public sector this sort of attitude or your bosses response will not be deemed acceptable and is almost certainly covered by the disciplinary code. If you are in the private sector it might be more difficult. Can you have a quiet word with HR in a non confrontational way.

Having read your post carefully I suspect there may be other discriminatory issues in the mix because the woman's views seem very evangelical and she may feel there are counter claims in the context of race and/or religion or belief although from what you have share here these sound unfounded but are likely to make HR nervous.

Maryz · 30/12/2011 23:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/12/2011 23:14

I've been to Pride and it is great (except that Peter Andre wouldn't remove his shirt, which I thought was a smidge homophobic since he can't keep it on 99% of the time). Your son will have a great time. In fact, when I went (1990s) there was a huge emphasis on safe sex and healthy relationships, all good conversation starters for your home.

Your boss and this woman are very foolish. Either join a union or contact your union and have them explain why your being banned from talking about your son because of his sexuality is very foolish and could land them in very hot water.

I would also like to second, third and fourth the posters who say that you are fab for supporting and loving your son. It shouldn't need saying, since who you want to snog should be no predictor of maternal love, but well done you. I'm sure he is and will continue to be, a fine young man.

Original poster

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 23:15

Xmasbaby11, no more than others. In tea room- "So, who are you having over at Xmas?" "Oh, just family on Xmas day. Then son's bf and my sister on..." Woman sipping coffee in corner- "You have your son's bf IN THE HOUSE? That is totally wrong." etc. That is just a sample.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 13 14