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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this situation's 'resolution' is completely unfair?

335 replies

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 22:50

My son who is 17 is gay. When people chat about their children in the office, I do so about my son and his younger sister. I've mentioned my son's boyfriend in conversation briefly. I've mentioned some bullying he got at school and how we dealt with it. I've mentioned how next year we're giving him permission to go to Pride because we think he's old enough now. I also talk about my daughter's activities and friends just as much. I talk about my son's school work, friends and activities too. Talking about my son within the context of him being gay has been no more than any other member of my office talking about their children's sexuality in the context of their boyfriends, girlfriends, dates etc. This chat does not go on all the time nor does it impede work. It will be while a few of us have our coffee break together etc.

One woman who has recently joined my office told me that she can't believe I'm so blase about my son 'being a homosexual and engaging in that type of behaviour'. She has also has told me that I'm an irresponsible parent for allowing him to go to Pride because 'goodness knows what he could get up to and surely you have to think of your daughter.' She has quoted scriptures at me and yesterday gave me a card that basically said that if he carried on in this course my son was going to hell and I would be to blame! Oh, and that she'd pray for me! Throughout all of this I have kept civil with her. I tried reasoning with her. I then said that we obviously would not agree but that I was as proud of my son as my daughter and would carry on being so. I made a point of trying not to be obnoxious and 'rub it in her face' to make a point but still not, when talking to the others, to change my behaviour or suddenly act as if I should be ashamed of him and talk differently. Every single member of the office has rolled their eyes at me when she has insisted on carrying on with her behaviour or has actually spoken to me in a "WHAT is her problem?" type of way.

Anyway, my boss approached me today. This woman had complained to him that I was 'inflicting my views upon her' and that she was being made to feel uncomfortable. My boss asked me to not mention my son in office conversation anymore. I asked him if he was going to make that rule for all or just me. His reaction was that I was being 'over-sensitive and should try to be more accommodating of others' beliefs.' He then had to rush off to a meeting so I didn't see him again today. We have the bank holiday and so I have until Tuesday to think of what I want to say as I feel I need to talk to him more and stress my firm objections to the way he is handling this. AIBU?

OP posts:

hester · 30/12/2011 23:16

Your boss is, I suspect, feeling that you are both entitled to hold your views and he doesn't want to mediate or judge who is 'right'. He has spotted that other woman is a zealot and he's backing off her, but you are more amenable so he's hoping you'll keep shtum if he asks you to.

He is wrong. It sounds as though you are doing what every other staff member is doing, that general chat about your family is the norm for that office. Asking you to keep quiet is treating you less favourably on the grounds of your son's sexual orientation. I don't know the law well enough to say whether this is not legal, but it is certainly counter to the spirit of the law. I suspect if you show your boss that, he will back down fast. Talk to your union, HR dept or ring Stonewall for advice.

festi · 30/12/2011 23:17

vaginal sex is dangerous how very dare anyone ever discuss hetrosexual partners, siblings, off springs or friends in public let alone the work place is beyond me knowing they may be indulging in such dangerous acts.

runningwilde · 30/12/2011 23:17

Leaner - please do not let this stupid woman's views affect you - but at the same time, make an official complant at work as even though she is entitled to her stupid views, she must NOT be allowed to act the way she has been at work.

You are an amazing mum and if all parents who have gay children were as fab as you then the world would be a better place. I know some gay people who have been so affected by the lack of support from their parents and it is horrible to see, yet thank goodness there are so many supportive parents too who clelebrate and love their children for who they are.

SalmeMurrikAgain · 30/12/2011 23:17

OP, you mentioned in your subsequent post that you do have a union. Great - I'm sure they'll help you, talk to your rep asap. In the unlikely event of your rep not being helpful, call their national helpline. I expect they'll be able to advise you about logging it with HR, too. Good luck.

SantieMaggie · 30/12/2011 23:19

look into the equality act 2010 which may be relevant to you and then speak to hr.

i think this woman is harrassing you and the company is.leaving themselves wide open to legal action by letting her act like this.

also read any company docs and take copies with you that are relevant.

good luck.

marriedinwhite · 30/12/2011 23:20

OP - if you don't get any joy from your union or HR - pm me and I will try to point you in the right direction but find out what they say first.

ZillionChocolate · 30/12/2011 23:21

Learner, what if your daughter starts fancying boys too?!

YANBU

BIWIshYouAMerryChristmas · 30/12/2011 23:23

My son is 19 and also gay. It would never cross my mind not to talk about him, as I love him very much and I am very proud of him. I would absolutely refuse to obey any instruction to not talk about him!

I would make an appointment to see your boss to talk this through with him. Take the card that she gave you, and say that this makes you feel very uncomfortable - and that it is also discriminatory. Ask him why he is supporting someone with such homophobic views.

Good luck. It's shocking that people still have such views in the 21st Century.

hester · 30/12/2011 23:24

Lesbian sex, on the other hand, is rather safe and hygienic.
Just saying.

blueemerald · 30/12/2011 23:24

I wonder if your boss panicked in reaction to her OTT complaining. I would speak to him (with a neutral witness or union rep in an arranged meeting, not passing by the corridoor) and, essentially, ask him if this is the course of action he plans to stick to (I imagine that, upon consideration, he may well reconsider). If he decides that he does indeed want to carry on then I would go in all guns blazing, get HR, the union, your partners/CEO/Board/Equivalent involved.

Sadly I don't think there is much you can do to change the religious woman's views but I would make it very clear that you would see handing out such cards and phrases like "I'll pray for you/him" as homophobic harrassment.

Original poster

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 23:26

Thank you. I'm going to write down an account of what has happened and ring my union on Tuesday, get some advice and then see HR / my boss.

Rerevisionist, not only is that a stupid thing to say as it is untrue if safe sex and is, as others have said, something some heterosexual couples do too, but the assumption that my son is even having sex at the moment by her is just as stupid. Just like a lot of teenagers he is at the making out (and a bit of touching probably) stage with his first bf. He has been supported and advised throughout his teen years by us. He has a lovely bf and they are totally sweet around each other. There is no more danger there than a basketful of puppies! When THEY feel they are ready for any types of sex it will be a private decision. No bloody business of bigots like her!

OP posts:

Maryz · 30/12/2011 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 23:38

Thanks for your support everyone! I will let you know what happens. Thanks marriedinwhite for the offer. Hopefully, it won't be needed but it was very kind.

Maryz, I think I've gone through the upset stage and reached anger, no, fury. I need to take a deep breath and write my account in clinically calm terms.

Thanks. :)

OP posts:

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 30/12/2011 23:40

I would raise it as a formal grievance, speak to ACAS and to your union if you have one. I am gobsmacked that this has happened in a workplace in this country in the 21st century.

skybluepearl · 30/12/2011 23:43

She is on very dangerous grounds giving you a card. Can you go to citizans advice - your boss should be taking a firmer hand with her

Original poster

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 23:51

Skybluepearl, just to be clear, it was a charity card with the name of a church on the back. It had a big cross on the front and a scriptural quote. Inside, she wrote that she was sad that her Christian encouragement had not had the effect she hoped, that as part of her god-given role of ministering to the community she felt she needed to help me onto the right path, that i was letting my son stay on a dangerous course of perversion and sin and that he would unfortunately suffer hell's damnation if he did not repent and to talk to her for advice from her Church on how to help my son to 'recover'. I am not exaggerating. This was the card.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 30/12/2011 23:53

Its out and out prejudice and homophobia is what it is and it is wrong.

Im sure its not allowed.

Id swing for the bible bashing witch.

pixielicious · 30/12/2011 23:54

No particular advice to add, but YANBU!! I wanted to ask: how on earth would your boss have dealt with this if she was doing the same thing to someone on the team (assuming someone in your office is gay)? She presumably would not have been allowed to get away with that sort of behaviour then, so why should it be any different in this scenario? It is homophobia however you look at it, and she should not be accommodated just because it makes your boss's life easier!

FabbyChic · 30/12/2011 23:55

And hey you, your son should be proud of his much, just as much as you are of him.

FabbyChic · 30/12/2011 23:55

His mum.

anonacfr · 30/12/2011 23:57

Holy shit. Did you keep the card?

I hate the way 'Christians' give themselves the moral high ground and feel entitled in the name of their God to dish out the most horrendous comments in a disingenuous bid to help.

Original poster

LearnerInLife · 31/12/2011 00:00

Yes, I kept the card so I'll scan it and pin a copy to the report, I think.

OP posts:

BlueFergie · 31/12/2011 00:02

You are right here. Your boss is on very very dodgy ground. He can't tell you not to discuss your family unless he is telling everyone else the same. That is blatant discrimination. talk to your union and or a solicitor. ignore rerevisionist btw.

marriedinwhite · 31/12/2011 00:02

anonacfr I don't think true christians do give themselves the moral high ground - Jesus certainly didn't - remember Mary Magdalene.

Branches of the recognised Anglican church do and as far as I am concerned the sooner the Anglican union splits the better. I would have loved to have seen Jeffery John appointed as Bishop of Southwark and believe he should have been a bishop at least 9 years ago. He is by far the most enlightened and intellectual clergyman the Anglican Church has at present!

Sorry didn't mean to have an Anglican rant but we can be profoundly spiritual christians and accept everyone.

GincogniHoHoHo · 31/12/2011 00:03

YANBU. YAB a fabulous mum.

Good luck - keep us posted.

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