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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this situation's 'resolution' is completely unfair?

335 replies

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 22:50

My son who is 17 is gay. When people chat about their children in the office, I do so about my son and his younger sister. I've mentioned my son's boyfriend in conversation briefly. I've mentioned some bullying he got at school and how we dealt with it. I've mentioned how next year we're giving him permission to go to Pride because we think he's old enough now. I also talk about my daughter's activities and friends just as much. I talk about my son's school work, friends and activities too. Talking about my son within the context of him being gay has been no more than any other member of my office talking about their children's sexuality in the context of their boyfriends, girlfriends, dates etc. This chat does not go on all the time nor does it impede work. It will be while a few of us have our coffee break together etc.

One woman who has recently joined my office told me that she can't believe I'm so blase about my son 'being a homosexual and engaging in that type of behaviour'. She has also has told me that I'm an irresponsible parent for allowing him to go to Pride because 'goodness knows what he could get up to and surely you have to think of your daughter.' She has quoted scriptures at me and yesterday gave me a card that basically said that if he carried on in this course my son was going to hell and I would be to blame! Oh, and that she'd pray for me! Throughout all of this I have kept civil with her. I tried reasoning with her. I then said that we obviously would not agree but that I was as proud of my son as my daughter and would carry on being so. I made a point of trying not to be obnoxious and 'rub it in her face' to make a point but still not, when talking to the others, to change my behaviour or suddenly act as if I should be ashamed of him and talk differently. Every single member of the office has rolled their eyes at me when she has insisted on carrying on with her behaviour or has actually spoken to me in a "WHAT is her problem?" type of way.

Anyway, my boss approached me today. This woman had complained to him that I was 'inflicting my views upon her' and that she was being made to feel uncomfortable. My boss asked me to not mention my son in office conversation anymore. I asked him if he was going to make that rule for all or just me. His reaction was that I was being 'over-sensitive and should try to be more accommodating of others' beliefs.' He then had to rush off to a meeting so I didn't see him again today. We have the bank holiday and so I have until Tuesday to think of what I want to say as I feel I need to talk to him more and stress my firm objections to the way he is handling this. AIBU?

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 31/12/2011 08:55

rerevisionist is entitled to his beliefs. Lots of people are deluded. He is not entitled to tell the OP how to behave on the basis of them.

OP, depending on what happens with this, you might want to consider getting this thread pulled (and then starting a cryptic one to let us know how everything goes :o)

Hairynigel · 31/12/2011 08:59

Dp knows a lot about the equality act and he can think of several ways in which your boss is breaking it. I can get him to pm you if you need any advice. I would get HR involved, your boss can't be allowed to act like this.

I LOVE sashhs letter! Just shows how religious views have to be adapted to modern day life. seriously though, you know there's nout wrong with your son being gay so just ignore your boss and that awful woman. She is entitled to her views but that doesn't mean she has to share them with you

Akandra · 31/12/2011 09:05

Rerev - do you mean a Gramsci other than the Marxist who writes about hegemony or is it the Marxists who are trying to convince us homosexuality is safe? Just want to clarify...

Sudaname · 31/12/2011 09:10

I would report him and her both to HR. This is discrimination (third party maybe as its not directed at you but one of your family but nonetheless). Copy (without the Mnsnt or AIBU references as that seem you have gone 'public' berore giving them a chance ) more or less what you have stated in OP as it is factual and to the point. If you get no joy l would take this all the way to an employment tribunal. Speak to an employment solicitor or trade union if a member or one of the gay rights organisations. Dont let it drop - this sort of treatment is illegal these days. Hope someone with legal knowledge comes along soon - if not done so already - sorry not got time to read thread but your OP made me so angry on your behalf.

ps - you sound like a lovely person, a fantastic mum -and l bet both your DCs are as proud of you as you are of them.

lottiegb · 31/12/2011 09:14

Your boss has turned your colleague's harrassment into discrimination on the part of your employer.

I'd seek advice from a union or CAB so you're clear on the law and check the company's complaints procedure so you know what steps to take, then talk nicely to the boss, let him know how unacceptable this is and what steps you will reasonably take if he doesn't sort it out. Be clear about what you expect him to do. You can be kind, understanding that he was busy and just trying to get the situation dealt with as quickly as possible. He probably knows that you are more accommodating than the other woman so hoped you'd just go along with what is for him, the easy option.

If they want to ban all office chit chat, well good luck to them but, if there is normal friendly chat at breaks and the start and end of the day, you can no more be asked not to talk about a member of your family than anyone else and are being treated unfairly. Imagine if your son was disabled and your colleague found your support for him distasteful because in her view he was clearly being punished for sin, or misdemeanours in a past life. Crazy and a less common belief but in terms of discrimination, no different. Or if he had chosen to practise another religion which offended her (could he take up Buddism, Islam or Paganism for a week or two? Satanism might be going too far!) Really, how would this woman cope with a multi-cultural office?

Your colleague is welcome to her private beliefs and to talk about them in a non-confrontational way. No-one should attack her for these but you're welcome to be completely disinterested and say politiely that you disagree or don't share them. If she had any sense she'd realise she'd win more respect for her beliefs by being a kind, sensitive person, listening to and making friends with others, not lecturing them. Clearly she doesn't, so there's no point trying to reason with her.

Remember the case of the B+B owners successfully prosecuted because they refused a room to a gay couple as this offended their Christian beliefs (or rather the idea of sodomy did - don't suppose they quizzed all their hetero guests about their sexual proclivities!)? That's provision of a service rather than work-place discrimintation but gives a clear idea of where the law is on this. (Hmm, I don't think mischief-making is the way to go on this but how funny would it be if all your colleagues started talking about their adventures with anal sex and on the swinging scene?! Sorry.)

wonkylegs · 31/12/2011 09:24

I would have a calm chat with your boss and point out unless they are going to ban everybody in the office from talking about their children (which is impractical and rather daft) he is discriminating against you for your son's sexuality by singling you out and treating you differently. I would say that you understand that he wants to take the path of least resistance and ask you to accommodate this woman's crazy beliefs however by doing this he is asking something unreasonable in a normal context i.e dictating whether or not you can chat about your normal family life.
The Acas website has a lot of useful info about the Equality Act if you don't get anywhere, which would cover this.

tribpot · 31/12/2011 09:33

My HR department would be having kittens about your boss' behaviour - and rightly so. He may have been in a rush but this was just cheap, lazy thinking and he needs bringing up on it sharply.

lisianthus · 31/12/2011 09:50

I am appalled at this. Go nuts OP. Talk to your boss, not the nutter (you won't be able to convince her, but he will have to take the law seriously) and make sure you use the actual words "harrassment" "diversity policy" and specifically refer to the Equal Opportunities Act. If he knows you know your rights and aren't going to just roll over, he's much more likely to take it seriously.

If no joy, definitely get HR and the union involved.

FionaBruise · 31/12/2011 10:09

OMfuckingGoodness this is outrageous. Yes as others have said this is definitely harassment/discrimination by association. Equality Act 2010.
Some massive education needs to take place in your organisation/bosses/colleagues head.
Would recommend calmly documenting something in writing to your boss factually summarising what he told you and then talking to HR.

maddening · 31/12/2011 10:18

I think you should lodge a complaint of harassment against her

TheDailyWail · 31/12/2011 10:31

I am glad that the Equality laws will protect you. Maybe (being devil's advocate) your boss thought that "religious views" trump sexual orientation. Which is why he fought her corner rather than yours. You are behaving remarkably civilised and please continue to do so. I really hope he will see sense when you provide him with the correct information.

I wish you the best of luck. You sound like a wonderful mum and your son sounds lovely too. I'm sure you know this already but not all Christians are as intolerant and nasty as this woman.

frumpet · 31/12/2011 10:42

You see i just assumed revisionist was speaking from experience Grin

AgentProvocateur · 31/12/2011 10:43

I could have written your post word for word this time last year. I shared an office with two women, one of whom belonged to an extreme Christian church (ie, wasn't "allowed" to read adult books or watch movies over a U certificate in case they had corrupting scenes).

I mentioned my son's boyfriend, she called them (and me) perverted sinners. I then moved room and put in a formal complaint, and changed jobs shortly after.

As others have said, you are protected by the Equality Act now. Please take this further. I'm with you in spirit all the way!

spottyock · 31/12/2011 10:46

This woman is a bigot and using her religious views as a platform. YADNBU

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 31/12/2011 10:59

So angry for you OP. It is not ok to be discriminated against at work.

I would guess that he's just reacted in fear because evil colleague has kicked up a fuss first. That's obviously not ok, but I do agree with others who've said you need to be careful how you approach this.

You sound lovely, all DCs deserve parents who are proud of them and stick up for them. I know that if I was gay my parents would hide it, and that hurts.

Does your DS know about all this BTW? I'd be tempted not to tell him yet, he might feel guilty if he knows you are in trouble for defending him.

Averyyounggrandmaofsix · 31/12/2011 11:00

YANBU but I think your boss should have told you all to work more and talk less!!

Seriously you should request, in writing, a formal meeting with said boss, you are being discriminated against (be sure to use that phrase!) and are considering taking out a grievance on the grounds of bullying and harassment.

Good Luck and let us know how you get on!

sayithowitis · 31/12/2011 11:01

this is a good outline of how the Equality Act 2010 works.

Hope your boss has had the chance to give this more thought over the break and that your letter has the desired effect.

Rerevisionist · 31/12/2011 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

AitchTwoOHoHoHo · 31/12/2011 12:07

do not feed

QuietNinjaMincepie · 31/12/2011 12:11

Reruvisionist do go away with your absurdity. You're a lone voice talking utter shite. No one is listening to you!

QuietNinjaMincepie · 31/12/2011 12:12

Sorry aitch x post Blush

FabbyChic · 31/12/2011 12:13

Of course a 17 year old can be gay. rerevisionist stfu and get a grip.

gottagetanewcalender · 31/12/2011 12:20

Revevisionist- did you have homosexual experiences at 17 and that is what you are struggling with? If not, why not, how did you decide to be hetrosexual?

IDontDoIroning · 31/12/2011 12:21

This is terrible. Imagine if her ds was disabled or mixed race and wirk colleague said they didn't like her to talk about him because they were offended by it. There would be uproar quite rightly so why is it different because of ds's sexuality.
Her attitude is no less offensive but somehow it's perceived as ok because of her religious beliefs.

TheBossofMe · 31/12/2011 12:21

How is the fact he was Jewish relevant to your assessment of his policies? Or are you a racist as well as a homophobe?

On second thoughts, don't bother answering that....