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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this situation's 'resolution' is completely unfair?

335 replies

LearnerInLife · 30/12/2011 22:50

My son who is 17 is gay. When people chat about their children in the office, I do so about my son and his younger sister. I've mentioned my son's boyfriend in conversation briefly. I've mentioned some bullying he got at school and how we dealt with it. I've mentioned how next year we're giving him permission to go to Pride because we think he's old enough now. I also talk about my daughter's activities and friends just as much. I talk about my son's school work, friends and activities too. Talking about my son within the context of him being gay has been no more than any other member of my office talking about their children's sexuality in the context of their boyfriends, girlfriends, dates etc. This chat does not go on all the time nor does it impede work. It will be while a few of us have our coffee break together etc.

One woman who has recently joined my office told me that she can't believe I'm so blase about my son 'being a homosexual and engaging in that type of behaviour'. She has also has told me that I'm an irresponsible parent for allowing him to go to Pride because 'goodness knows what he could get up to and surely you have to think of your daughter.' She has quoted scriptures at me and yesterday gave me a card that basically said that if he carried on in this course my son was going to hell and I would be to blame! Oh, and that she'd pray for me! Throughout all of this I have kept civil with her. I tried reasoning with her. I then said that we obviously would not agree but that I was as proud of my son as my daughter and would carry on being so. I made a point of trying not to be obnoxious and 'rub it in her face' to make a point but still not, when talking to the others, to change my behaviour or suddenly act as if I should be ashamed of him and talk differently. Every single member of the office has rolled their eyes at me when she has insisted on carrying on with her behaviour or has actually spoken to me in a "WHAT is her problem?" type of way.

Anyway, my boss approached me today. This woman had complained to him that I was 'inflicting my views upon her' and that she was being made to feel uncomfortable. My boss asked me to not mention my son in office conversation anymore. I asked him if he was going to make that rule for all or just me. His reaction was that I was being 'over-sensitive and should try to be more accommodating of others' beliefs.' He then had to rush off to a meeting so I didn't see him again today. We have the bank holiday and so I have until Tuesday to think of what I want to say as I feel I need to talk to him more and stress my firm objections to the way he is handling this. AIBU?

OP posts:

saintlyjimjams · 31/12/2011 00:06

YANBU. Your boss and your colleague are being homophobic.

Melpomene · 31/12/2011 00:11

Some useful info in this booklet from ACAS

"Direct discrimination means that workers or job applicants are treated
less favourably because of their actual or perceived sexual orientation
or because they associate with someone of a particular sexual
orientation"

"Harassment -
Example: A worker has a son who is gay. People in the workplace often
tell jokes about gay people and tease the worker about his son?s sexual
orientation. This may be harassment on grounds of sexual orientation,
despite it not being the victim?s own sexuality that is the subject of the
teasing."

Melpomene · 31/12/2011 00:13

from the same source:

"Some of your employees may hold particular views about sexual
orientation related to their religion or belief. While employees have the
right not to be discriminated against because of religion or belief, you
can legitimately require that they do not manifest their religion or belief
in a way that breaches your Equality Policy (for example, by
discriminating against or harassing colleagues or customers of a
particular sexual orientation)."

Original poster

LearnerInLife · 31/12/2011 00:14

Wow, Melpomene! That is wonderful. i will read the booklet and quote that in my covering letter along with anything else I find. Thanks SO much!

OP posts:

MsHighwater · 31/12/2011 00:16

anonacfr, it is far from the case that all Christians would endorse this woman's position. Even many who might believe similar things to what this woman has said to the OP would not all condone her behaviour.

anonacfr · 31/12/2011 00:17

marriedinwhite I totally agree with you. That's why I wrote 'Christians'.

I used to work with one of those years ago. She used to complain loudly if anyone swore in her vicinity (stressful job environment) went around the office asking for donations to redecorate her church etc. Everyone tiptoed around her and praised her 'because she was rerligious' like she was some saint.
She used to get first dibs on all the Easter holidays because 'she was religious'. Same with Xmas.

Meanwhile she used to spend 2 hours a day on the phone to her relatives and passed on to others as much work as she could. No one picked up on it. And she was always off work with a mystery back injury at the busiest times of the year. Turned out her contract had allowed to accumulate 2 months paid medical leave a year and she took it every year.

Anyway enough with the rant OP I am so glad you kept the card. You definitely need to pass it on it is clearly discrimination and your boss should be telling her to back off not the other way round.

mayorquimby · 31/12/2011 00:20

your boss has dealt with this poorly, you're completely right to ask if this new no-child conversation dicta is company wide or specific to you.
I'd shiw him the card you were given and ask him if he thinks it's really you who is trying to inflict their views upon others.
Failing that ask him again if it is only you who is banned from discussing family members in the work place and if so ask him to put that in writing if it's something he feels so comfortable requesting from you in person.
it's ridiculous.

Rerevisionist · 31/12/2011 00:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

tigerlillyd02 · 31/12/2011 00:34

I'm inclined to think the discrimination is entirely the other way around. There cannot be any less favourable attitudes or treatment given to staff because of their sexuality. The same as in terms of the sexuality of those you know or are related to.

However, as a heterosexual yourself (I assume) you are not being negative towards her for being heterosexual. And I also assume you've not discriminated against her because of her religious beliefs, even though she openly discusses these.

I would speak to your boss further and if nothing is done then go higher up and make a formal complaint.

exexpat · 31/12/2011 00:38

And is heterosexual sex not a health risk, rerevisionist? Sexually transmitted diseases apart, one of the most dangerous things a woman can do, globally, is get pregnant. Now, I wonder what the statistics are for deaths due to complications of pregnancy and childbirth versus deaths from anal sex. Hmm...

I presume you are celibate?

SweetLilyTea · 31/12/2011 00:45

YADNBU. In fact, conversely, your boss has a responsibility to protect you from homophobia and your colleagues homophobic harrassment. Saying he'll go to hell and it'll be your fault indeed! What a disgraceful thing to say to a mother.

Definitely show your boss the ACAS booklet, it sounds like he has dealt with it this way because your colleague ran to him first.

You sound like a fab supportive mum, and I don't think there's anything wrong with him going to Pride.

Mmmnotsure · 31/12/2011 00:48

Learner - Because I am a suspicious old so-and-so I'd make sure you keep a copy of the note. Don't just show it to your boss and perhaps end up leaving it with him. He seems a little out of touch with what he is allowed to do and say nowadays, and it might be very tempting for him to lose the note . . .

festi · 31/12/2011 00:48

life is a fucking health risk rereveisionist It may be your aim to get your disgusting views across the internet but they are not needed here and not relevent to this thread.

Maryz · 31/12/2011 00:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rerevisionist · 31/12/2011 01:26

Lol. You people are fools.

Original poster

LearnerInLife · 31/12/2011 01:28

Thanks! I just checked back here after spending the last hour writing up all the incidents. I've scanned the card and I will attach a copy to my report and letter. I'm going to bed now but I'll use those great ACAS quotes in the letter tomorrow. I'll ring my union and go from there.

Thanks for reporting that post, Maryz. Anyone who really thinks any loving, consensual, safe sex my son may have is more dangerous than nasty-minded views like that... well! Needless to say, I am 'getting on with my life'- supporting and loving my dh, ds and dd are big parts of that! :)

OP posts:

Heleninahandcart · 31/12/2011 01:39

Rerevisionist you are talking out of your own arse.

OP your boss is totally in the wrong, as per general management guidelines and as Mel quoted. In your bosses position I would have spoken to the other woman and made it clear her comments were homophobic and unacceptable.

I sincerely hope your son has a wonderful time at pride and continues to have his loving relationships with whomever he chooses.

muffinino82 · 31/12/2011 01:41

*Gosh, what a lot of self-congratulatory posts. Yes Jasper and 4 or so others, of course anal sex is a health risk. Check it out.

It amuses me how gullible you people are. It's the fashion, imposed probably by Gramsci or someone, to say homsexuality is wonderful and normal. It isn't. You should have the guts to see your boss's viewpoint - or indeed many other peoples'. Or just get on with your life.*

Never said it isn't a health risk. But so is vaginal sex. And oral. Not sure about cumming on one's norks, though. Mind you, there is a blinding risk with that, so better avoid it to be safe. Anal is a health risk regardless of the genders of the parties involved, as are all other types of sex. Your point being? Maybe we should just ban sex and if we wish to procreate, we could do so with the use of a laboratory so that it can all be done in a hygenic way. Sex is all a bit disgusting, really, if you think about it, putting bits of ourselves in to other people's bits and having things inserted about our person? Gross.

Gullible, fnar. Been on the bolly, have we?

Pandemoniaa · 31/12/2011 01:42

It had never occurred to me that bottoms were so dangerous. I shall treat mine with suspicion from now on lest it ambushes me when my guard is down.

But seriously, YANBU. Nobody should pander to the views of these appalling Godbothering homophobes. Your boss, if forced to be involved at all, should have pointed out the inappropriateness of handing out religious tracts in the workplace, not asked you to deny your son's sexuality.

If you have a union I would strongly advise you to consult your steward or convener about the matter.

ComposHat · 31/12/2011 02:40

I suspect that revisionist's greatest fear about anal sex, is the fear that he'd absolutely love it.

AitchTwoOHoHoHo · 31/12/2011 02:57

much as he is wildly in the wrong, i would go easy on your boss as clearly he hasn't thought this through at all or seen the card this ridiculous character has written. make sure when you speak to him (and i would speak to him, on the QT, to show him what you are taking to the union) that you give him an out, and say that you are going to the union in a way to help him to sort this.

it's him you have to work for at the end of the day, and this stupid bitch of an employee probably totally confused him with her religious claptrap.

spamm · 31/12/2011 02:57

I think banning sex for some posters would be a good idea. Some people with prejudiced homophobic views should not be allowed to procreate and poison their DCs.

Lutravers · 31/12/2011 02:57

at ComposHat, just what was going through my mind

jasper · 31/12/2011 03:12

rerevisionist, did you have a look at Dan Savage?
I'm not sure what you mean about self congratulatory posts.

ComposHat · 31/12/2011 03:13

Lutravers, great minds eh?

Be great to take Rerevisionist for a night on the tiles down Canal St.

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