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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of people saying 'well, it's alright for you...'

283 replies

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 19:43

DH and I are very fortunate to be in good jobs, and we are the first to admit this.

However, DH and I were over at a friends house when the topic of money came up. Basically, we were told that our opinion wasn't really valid (a chat about being frugal) because of the amount we earn. "oh, it's alright for you being on that wage".

If it's SO easy; you do it then. I work incredibly hard for my wage; so does DH. We don't broadcast our earnings, but we are fortunate enough to live a nice lifestyle. It feels like other people look at me and think I have it easy; like I do bugger all and somehow a pay cheque rocks up in my account every month Hmm.

We get this attitude fairly frequently from these people ('oh, it's not a lot of money for you I suppose', 'not with what you earn') and it embarrasses and frustrates me. AIBU, or should I think up a decent comeback?

OP posts:
habbibu · 30/12/2011 21:33

Thanks, but it was stupid of me. i do run off at the mouth/fingers.

Oblomov · 30/12/2011 21:34

Finally seen OP's job. sounds grand. what a great job. not the 200k i suggested in my Op then? so? these friends are taking the piss. how much do they think you earn OP ? they are obviously well wide of the mark.

Original poster
itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 21:35

Well insprinme if you think I deserve 100k a year then I shan't hear a word against it. Oh no Grin

OP posts:
marriedinwhite · 30/12/2011 21:36

Point taken Habibu - sorry you have suffered too. I agree - without loved ones and support it would have been impossible to come to terms with. I was one of the lucky ones. DD arrived 51 weeks later and I cannot imagine a life without that fantastic little girl, well lovely teenager now, who would not have been if DS2 hadn't been born too soon - very complicated, very blessed in many ways. Glad you got two more dc afterwards Smile.

LydiaWickham · 30/12/2011 21:36

YANBU - You get it a lot from people who have taken decisions not to do what it takes to be in your position. While there are people who are very hard working for very little money, there are many others who aren't earning much because they have chosen not to take a harder path that will lead to it.

I know DH could double his income, but the hours he'd have to put in, the stress he would have to endure isnt what we would want as a family, and he's not that ambitious, however I know other people have, and hats off to them - there's a few mums round here who's DH's don't see the DCs awake 6 days a week and on the 7th might need to be glued to the blackberry. They are effectively single mothers with a hell of a lot of money. I couldn't/wouldn't live like that, I don't begrudge them their long haul holidays, designer labels and big cars (well, I do a bit Wink ), but I know other mums who do get really jealous, as if the problems these woman have are unimportant because they aren't money related.

Original poster
itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 21:37

Well they know how much we earn. We work with her DH and in the forces, there really is no point in hiding your wages because we all get the same. The lady of the home doesn't work; SAHM but she did talk about starting her own business soon.

OP posts:
garlicnutcracker · 30/12/2011 21:37

Blimey! What a thread. I jumped to the end after page 4, OP, to see if you're still here ... hello :)

Erm, has anybody mentioned good old-fashioned grace? Your friend says "Well, you don't have worry about things like that", you say "We have been feeling better off lately, thank goodness, but I still wish I could make curry like yours."

Getting affronted because a friend feels inferior to you is very ungracious indeed.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 21:37

Thank you - and to you too. yy to the paradox of children born later.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 30/12/2011 21:40

tethers I just dont see the point in jealousy s'all.
It doesnt get you anywhere and takes a hell of a lot of energy.

I seem to totally lack the competative gene too - maybe thats relevant?

Dont invite me round for a game of Monopoly Grin

SlackSally · 30/12/2011 21:41

Hmmmm. I'm usually on the side of 'shut up moaning you lucky so-and-so' but these types of threads are usually started by the 'My DH works very hard and deserves every penny of the £300k he earns a year' types.

You and your DH do a very important job for a decent, but by no means huge, wage.

I currently earn c. £24k as a teacher. This will go up until I'm on a similar wage to you. DP is on a similar wage already. I feel genuinely well off. Ok, we can't do whatever we want all the time, or go on several lavish holidays a year, but we do more than alright. I am one of the highest earners among my friends (am only 24), and I rarely, if ever, meet the type of earners you read about on here.

So, while compared to a certain type of lawyer, or a certain type of banker, you earn peanuts, I can appreciate that you feel comfortable.

For what it's worth, I think you sound very appreciative of what you have.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 21:42

itsbrandy - do you reckin she's frustrated with not working? I think the Forces wife thing (if you're not serving yourself) would be too hard for me - obviously very stressful emotionally, but also really being tied to your partner's job.

Oblomov · 30/12/2011 21:42

I agree with inspireme. I think, that your friends think that you are on 300k combined. If not, they are talking nonsense. Anyone on 60k is not living the life of reilly, as many of us know.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 21:43

Can't be true, oblomov - op has pointed out that they all know slaries because of same scale.

tethersend · 30/12/2011 21:46

I don't know MrsDeVere, I think jealousy is a pretty standard human response. I mean, it's not something to aspire to, but not something to be denigrated for either. The idea that those with nothing should have the good grace to be happy for those with more really, really irks me.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 21:48

I think it depends a bit on where you live, Oblomov - up here you can have a pretty nice life for that.

Oblomov · 30/12/2011 21:48

o.k. habbibu, then the friends of Op are being unreasonable. what Op earns is not HUGE. I think her friends are being unreasonable.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 21:49

Well, yes, they probably are. I'm just prepared to accept that maybe the snide comments are triggered by some other underlying stresses that the OP doesn't know about, given that she was a good friend, and they've started suddenly. If she'd always been like that, then not worth being friends with.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 21:51

itsbrandy, are you going to namechange? you really should. I'd love to have a rationale for a MASH name.

Oblomov · 30/12/2011 21:51

Agreed.
I'm just saying that the Op was misleading. It made it 'sound' like these jealous friends were saying, we earn 25k and you on your 150k have no idea what is like for us.

But it turns out , that is not the case.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 30/12/2011 21:52

Well if you put it like that...
I dont meant the everso 'umble sort of being happy for ones 'betters'

But I am happy for people to be happy and well off.

As long as they are not lording it over me and telling me if i was a better person I too could be as happy and well off as them.

I think a lot is to do with losing DD. Fuck all really matters to me now. I only want one thing and I cant have it. The nearest I get to jealousy is when I see mums and their DD's out shopping or something.

It would be great to have enough money not to worry about stuff but I also know that money doesnt stop people you love dying.
If any of that makes sense.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 21:53

Yes, OP badly worded. It's the one thing I think an edit function might be useful for - just for OPs.

Oblomov · 30/12/2011 21:56

Losing a child gives totally different perspective on everything. When I lost second pregnancy, i cried and cried, it changed how i felt about 3rd pregnancy, which turned out to be ds2.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 21:59

Oh, Oblomov, I am sorry. I'm sorry for your loss, and for pretty insenstive posting. And yy to rotten subsequent pregnancy. I lived on a knife edge with dd2, and had my two other colleagues in our wee office pg too. Everything one of them did just drove me into a horrible (internal) rage.

Lord. I really am nicer than I sound. Honest guv.

SinicalSanta · 30/12/2011 22:02

Well you do earn twice what theyvdo. It's the ratio thatvmatters really. I agree with tethers that you should not expect people who have less to be happy forvyou. They often will butit's not to be expected. Sorry for crap typing have got new internet tablet thing for xmas and can't really work it properly. ((Stealth boast in honour of thecthread topic Wink)

marriedinwhite · 30/12/2011 22:02

Sorry - Mrs D and Oblomov >>.