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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of people saying 'well, it's alright for you...'

283 replies

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 19:43

DH and I are very fortunate to be in good jobs, and we are the first to admit this.

However, DH and I were over at a friends house when the topic of money came up. Basically, we were told that our opinion wasn't really valid (a chat about being frugal) because of the amount we earn. "oh, it's alright for you being on that wage".

If it's SO easy; you do it then. I work incredibly hard for my wage; so does DH. We don't broadcast our earnings, but we are fortunate enough to live a nice lifestyle. It feels like other people look at me and think I have it easy; like I do bugger all and somehow a pay cheque rocks up in my account every month Hmm.

We get this attitude fairly frequently from these people ('oh, it's not a lot of money for you I suppose', 'not with what you earn') and it embarrasses and frustrates me. AIBU, or should I think up a decent comeback?

OP posts:
runningwilde · 31/12/2011 13:19

Goodness! There are some really sour comments on here! Yanbu to feel annoyed at these remarks... Why should you be fair game for sarky, silly comments because you earn a lot? You work hard like you say and should not feel bad. Maybe you should tell your friends that 'look, I worked really hard to get where I am and I find your comments offensive so please stop'

I have a friend whose husband owns a string of dentists, they live in an amazing house with a cinema room and have loadsa money but I would never dream of making sarky comments - they have worked hard to get where they are and good luck to them!
(I would love that cinema room though! Envy )

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 31/12/2011 13:26

eh? Fucking hell, just scrolled back to find out how much you DO earn... I was expecting like £70 or £80K or something?
I earn about £10K on top of your salary - and we're broke as fuck in our house!!! Three kids, I work my arse off all the time (Assistant HT 2ndary school) but mind you, I'm a single wage earner.

Tell your friends to fuck off. Jealousy is a bit rank amongst friends, eh? Plus I guess they don't get the risk of being blown to buggery on duty?

Forget about it and pull an expensive Waitrose cracker with them to rub it in....

wanders off to find something more serious to stress about!

ComposHat · 31/12/2011 16:56

ComposHat - the OP is not well off. And she and her DH serve in the forces. You know, the people on the front line risking their lives for the rest of us. It incredibly bloody ungrateful to begrudge them anything they earn. Have you read the thread at all?

Risking their lives for the rest of us!!!! They are risking their lives and I have a degree of sympathy for anyone in such a risky situation. But they are not doing it in my bloody name or to keep anyone in this country safe.

The neo-colonial blunderings in Iraq and Afghanistan have fuck-all to do with protecting any of us and everything to do with vainglorious oil-thirsty tosspots such as Bush, Blair and Rumsfeld.

AnnieLobeseder · 31/12/2011 17:01

ComposHat - while I may agree with you on the politics of the wars currently being fought, none of that is the fault of the soldiers at the front line, and doesn't make the bullets they face any less real. Plus, if a 'proper' war ever broke out, the OP and her fellow service men and women would be the ones truly defending us. So your point doesn't hold any water in this discussion IMO.

Garliccheesechips · 31/12/2011 17:08

I'm with LostMyIdentity. We're on more than you and your DH, OP and we're not at all well off. I suppose it's all relative. My wealthy friends are on 70K+ and have no kids. Lucky bastards :o

ComposHat · 31/12/2011 17:46

If I'm honest I'd skim-read (10 pages! of the post and I hadn't read the bit about them being in the forces, however it doesn't fundamentally alter my opinion of the Original Post. It still came across as insensitive to complain about such things when numerous posters are struggling financially and bordered on stealth-boasting (this may not have been the OP's intention, but it is how it read to me. To my mind, the argument of 'ooh they are in the armed forces, they are beyond reproach' in any aspect of their lives, doesn't stack up.

AnnieLobesder - Of course it is a terrible worry for the OP's loved ones and obviously they aren't the architects of these absurd unwinnable wars. But the 'risking their lives for the rest of us' guff got my goat. That sort of unquestioning veneration of the military is dangerous.

Since the Second World War, when have British troops been engaged in any conflict that was genuinely about 'protecting us' from foreign aggressors?

Grumpystiltskin · 31/12/2011 18:14

OP, yanbu. I get this and despite me saying "well there are vacancies for the weekend work" I get "ooh no, I couldn't work on a weekend, when would I do the big shop?" and the like. Surely you can't complain if I'm earning a Sunday's worth of pay more than you but you can't be bothered to get out of bed an extra day per week!?

Scores of military wives get great jobs whilst following their husbands around. My DH's ex W is a great example of this as is my SIL.

Pagwatch · 31/12/2011 18:23

Fwiw the only people who have ever said 'well it's alright for you' to me were utter, utter twats.
But that is not very scientific.

LeQueen · 31/12/2011 18:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Becaroooodolf · 31/12/2011 18:49

I am sure you do work hard for your large wage 0OP but PLEASE do not assume that those on minimum wage dont work just as hard or as many hours! i.e. carers, HCP auxilliaries, cleaners etc - as that is really offensive!

Tbh you cant have much to add to a debate on the need for frugality, surely?

slavetofilofax · 31/12/2011 19:04

I really don't see how the op has implied, or assumed, that people with less income don't work hard.

Saying that you work hard for what you have does not imply anything except that you work hard for what you have. Nor does it mean that you assume that people who have less don't work hard.

If other people want to read non existent hidden meanings into perfectly simple statements then that is their problem. It says something about the way they feel about their own situation, it does not come from what was originally said.

Pagwatch · 31/12/2011 19:09

I have said this before but I do honestly think that sometimes people say 'i work hard for my money' not as a means of implying that others don't but as a means of assuring others that they didn't win the lottery or inherit - that they do the daily grind thing albeit with better results than others.

I am fucking lucky. Lucky lucky lucky. Anyone who can pay the bills without thinking about it is.
But that does not mean my life is breezy. It isn't. And a lack of empathy, in whichever direction it is sent, is shitty.

Becaroooodolf · 31/12/2011 19:13

Ahem.

I am a sahm atm so I have no "situation" (?)

If the OP is that annoyed/offended then why socialise with these people who have the temerity to point out that, actually, someone earning that amount has no need to count the pennies and therefore has little to contribute to the conversation on frugality????

Why are people even discussing what they earn at a social gathering anyway? And how do they know what the OP earns????

Becaroooodolf · 31/12/2011 19:16

pag yes, I get that, but why???? Why would anyone even discuss what they earn with anyone except their OH or accountant/bank manager???

A sure fire way to end friendhips/cause envy/upset IMO

slavetofilofax · 31/12/2011 19:17

I agree Pag, but I guess it can sometimes be hard to show empathy when someone has just been rude to you out of nowhere.

I am fairly lucky too, when it comes to finances. But I'm not when it comes to other important things, so I would resent anyone saying to me 'it's all right for you'. Some things are more important than money, being poor is by no means the worst thing to happen to people in this country. I expect there are many people out there that would give up all their money for good health.

Grumpystiltskin · 31/12/2011 19:17

Almost every payscale in the military is published so it's easy to find out/know and if your DH does the same job as someone else then they will be on the same pay, give or take other allowances such as specialist pay.

SlinkingOutsideInSocks · 31/12/2011 19:20

Hilarious thread. Grin

Is it meant to be? Not sure. But it is.

ladyasriel · 31/12/2011 19:21

We are also in a very fortunate position financially, largely thanks to DH.
If people chat about having to be frugal, I shut up, or just sympathise or moan generally about the price at the pump etc. People can see our lifestyle and know we are fortunate, so I don't think they want my opinion on cheap cuts of meat or freecycling. I think you can come across as a bit insensitive even if you mean well.

Kellogg · 31/12/2011 19:21

I have been plagued by disastrous relationships , bereavement and ill health however I have the common sense to know that comfortable finances make my life a breeze compared to most .

ladyasriel · 31/12/2011 19:23

I also meant to say, your opinion on being frugal isn't really valid is it? It's not to say you didn't/don't work hard for your money (although I see plenty of people working hard for low wages, the old MN debate) - but you don't really know what it feels to be skint.

Fluffycloudland77 · 31/12/2011 19:23

We are related to a couple with really good jobs, but one of them is up at 2am working, the other is on shifts, yes they have more than us but I'm home at 2pm. She has never been home at 2.

Becaroooodolf · 31/12/2011 19:24

I have never, ever in a social situation brought up the subject of money.....or politics or religion.

Its a no win situation for all concerned IMO

The OP works hard for their money. So do their friends, but the OP earns more so the friends dont feel inclined to listen to their views on frugality.

See?

I really dont think the friends were implying the OP doesnt work hard or that their money comes "easily" either, just that they dont need to budget/do without.

Kellogg · 31/12/2011 19:24

I know how it feels to be skint having been there. It is truly shit which is why I would not swap tips on frugal living with someone in that situation.

usualsuspect · 31/12/2011 19:25

I'm a work shy fucker according to some on this thread

But this is MN though

Grumpystiltskin · 31/12/2011 19:30

Has anyone thought that what may appear a lavish lifestyle is brought about by being frugal in other areas? Maybe you can afford a great holiday because you walk everywhere and don't use a car? A car was a luxury for us so we got rid of one and my bike has never been so well used, the transport is free saving us at least £200 a month. DH commutes too far to cycle but I don't.
"Ooh, I couldn't do without my car"... "you probably could but don't want to" is my usual response. For many people, indulgences aren't something which just fall out of their wallet, they are a reward for sacrifices made in other areas.

ladyasriel, if I had a menu plan that could feed a family of four for £20 for a week (I don't) would it be less valid because I don't have to choose between the gas bill and that £20 or would it still be a great way to save money? Obviously not according to your philosophy.

BTW, many people are aware of what it feels to be skint, no-one was born with a job that pays well and many have worked their way up long ladders to be where they are. Including OP who hasn't always been a level 4 corporal.

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