Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of people saying 'well, it's alright for you...'

283 replies

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 19:43

DH and I are very fortunate to be in good jobs, and we are the first to admit this.

However, DH and I were over at a friends house when the topic of money came up. Basically, we were told that our opinion wasn't really valid (a chat about being frugal) because of the amount we earn. "oh, it's alright for you being on that wage".

If it's SO easy; you do it then. I work incredibly hard for my wage; so does DH. We don't broadcast our earnings, but we are fortunate enough to live a nice lifestyle. It feels like other people look at me and think I have it easy; like I do bugger all and somehow a pay cheque rocks up in my account every month Hmm.

We get this attitude fairly frequently from these people ('oh, it's not a lot of money for you I suppose', 'not with what you earn') and it embarrasses and frustrates me. AIBU, or should I think up a decent comeback?

OP posts:
inspireme · 30/12/2011 22:04

Brandy I will have a quiet word with your superiors consider it done.

( any chance I could do the same for me Wink)

SinicalSanta · 30/12/2011 22:04

Such horriblybinsensitive cross posting. I think wecall agree fuck all matters in the face of losing someone dear

Oblomov · 30/12/2011 22:08

no sorry's necesary, tis is not the thread for mc. we all know how traumatic they are.

Laquitar · 30/12/2011 22:11

But they earn twice the money as a couple because they work twice.
Family A for example 40hrs pw, Family B 40 X 2 =80hrs pw. Confused

inspireme · 30/12/2011 22:15

Yes sorry oblomov I've only been flicking through quickly, mostly just reading the op's posts. Can't begin to imagine that.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 30/12/2011 23:03

My post wasnt meant to shut anyone up Smile
I was musing really. I am still getting used to this new me.
Not that I was particularly jealous before or anything.
I was probably more envious and did a fair bit of yearning for better things.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/12/2011 23:08

try to be a bit more tactful. It can come across as tight or patronising if you bleat about money when you are comfortably off in comparison to them.

I'm sure it's not about whether you deserve it - don't be oversensitive!

Oggy · 30/12/2011 23:14

Well I'll spend the night picking splinters out of my backside because I can see both sides.

Yes OP is not on mega bucks but she is on twice as much as the other family so that is a significant amount better off, plus, the "if its so easy do it yourself" comment becomes harsher when we learn the woman in question is forces wife and therefore (presumably) it is not at all easy for her to hold down any kind og decent paying job.

That said, snide remarks always uncalled for. She possibly would prefer to work herself for the benefits that would bring but simply can't in the current situation, hence the slightly jealous comments.

To be honest I would be inclined to let it go on the basis of gratitude that I am better off and luckier to be able to work and make that extra income but I can understand it would bug on a constant basis.

olgaga · 30/12/2011 23:26

It sounds like there is a lot of resentment from your "friends". Could it be that you're drawing attention to the differences between you, without realising?

I'm not sure it's worth taking them on - you're unlikely to change their attitude. I hate to suggest this, but maybe they never liked you that much?

It seems some "friends" will drop you when you change jobs, get married, have kids, take up a new hobby "ooh, get you!" or if you do something like give up smoking or drinking ("you just seem so different"). It's something they feel excluded from, and can't cope with it somehow. Almost as though you've done these things deliberately to annoy them!

I think ignore it, or at the most remind them that you haven't always been as comfortable - so you do know what you're talking about.

But it sounds like you might need to accept they feel you've moved on, even if you don't feel you have.

Bumblequeen · 31/12/2011 00:18

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 31/12/2011 00:27

if you don't scrimp and someone else does,then you don't have a clue how it is for them

if you dont look at price of every item before you purchase,dont worry then,frankly it is all right for you.now why you have hump at this i dont know.it's a statement of fact

you work hard,v hard, and that is really really worthy,and shouldn't be denigrated,but nor should you expect praise. when you have enough it's hard for someone scrimping to think bet they got it hard

scottishmummy · 31/12/2011 00:36

however a friendship should feel mutual,and if they constantly make igs and you uncomfortable..then maybe its run it's course

you work hard, seek some supportive pals who it's more relaxed with

spiderslegs · 31/12/2011 00:38

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Why?

WHY?

Ten pages???

slavetofilofax · 31/12/2011 00:58

I think it's an interesting thread.

I also think the 'friend' was rude. There is a chance that she could feel uncomfortable around you because not only do you have double her income, you also do the same job as her dh and will know about and share a big part of his life that she can only hear about. That could be quite intimidating for some women, especially if she was feeling a bit insecure about her own life.

Either way, she was still rude.

garlicnutcracker · 31/12/2011 02:00

I disagree with most of you and agree with Spiders, at least on the interestingness of the thread. I was wondering why it was still on my Active list. Now it isn't :)

Mya2403 · 31/12/2011 03:25

OP I totally sympathise we have the same problem dh is a partner in his medical practice. I am a Dr also hoping to one day work up to cardio consultant. We get this all the time.

ComposHat · 31/12/2011 03:33

Fuck me a 10 page epic on the travails off the well off parent!!!!

Those parents struggling on benefits or minimum wage jobs (in which they probably work equally as hard as OP) are probably worried sick about your plight. It will give them a nice break from such existential dilemmas like: the choice between heating their home and decent food for their children.

imaginethat · 31/12/2011 11:03

i am really hard up these days but that's no one else's problem. i think it would be v. unfair of me to sulk to better-off friends.

i think maybe you need new friends... proper friends are happy for you/sad for you in appropriate amounts.

FinancialBurden · 31/12/2011 11:12

I think the hardest I've ever worked in my life was for about 15k - horrible job, rubbish money, zero appreciation.

I never discuss money with friends beyond "Pbought this" or "skint this month" for this exact reason. Whether you have it or don't, money breeds resentment.

Pekka · 31/12/2011 12:13

OP - YANBU. I do understand your friends POV, you can work very hard and earn a pittance, and feel resentful for anyone who earns over 20k. But they have to question the choices they've made. I have studied for qualifications, have never earned more than 19k and I believe that is mainly because I can't be bothered to apply for the more rewarding positions. For me, life outside work is more important. I don't begrudge people who are financially better off than me, as I understand they have made different decisions in their life. I genuinely believe they think about work more than I do.
Last year I worked nightshifts in a factory, earning 17k. Unskilled job, no qualification or training needed, and that was the best job I've ever had. No stress whatsoever. Most people around me earned more than I did, but it didn't matter to me.
Disclaimer - I understand there are disabled people who do not have the same choices as the rest of us. They are entitled to feel bitter IMHO. I hope my post hasn't offended anyone. Money is a tough subject, right up there with religion and parenting.

AnnieLobeseder · 31/12/2011 12:32

ComposHat - the OP is not well off. And she and her DH serve in the forces. You know, the people on the front line risking their lives for the rest of us. It incredibly bloody ungrateful to begrudge them anything they earn. Have you read the thread at all?

AnnieLobeseder · 31/12/2011 12:38

I really don't understand people who think that anyone who is slightly better off than them has no right to complain about anything ever. There are millions of people in the world with no heating or food. Or medical care. Or homes beyond a mud shack. It's all relative, and everyone has problems which they are fully entitled to complain about if they want to!!

NotaDisneyMum · 31/12/2011 12:48

OP - I understand what you are saying and YANBU Smile

I was made redundant earlier in the year and DPs redundancy started just before Christmas (we both worked in the public sector).
On DPs last day, we ran into someone who has kept a job, all be it on a lower salary and longer commute, and she basically said the same thing to us!

Her assumption is that because we are not wailing and gnashing our teeth, we must have the means to cope, so she claimed that she is far worse off than us both financially and circumstantially - in the same way as people assume you have it easy because of your income; but how do they know?

RudolphMinusRedNose · 31/12/2011 13:00

Surely the was to respond to such comments is to say you have no idea and refuse to discuss it further.

How you say that could vary - with a sad sigh, very matter of fact, with an ice cold glare or very dramatic burst into tears and run of out house.

People can be unthinkingly odd about money. When DH was made redundant everyone kept telling us to go on holiday Hmm.

Why anyone thought we had time and money to waste on non essential stuff fuck knows plus I was about to have a baby - so traveling really wasn't on my list of things I wanted to do.

sunshineandbooks · 31/12/2011 13:18

I think a little more thought could have been put into it on both sides. No one can truly get in someone else's head and understand what they're thinking. There could have been all sorts of motivations at play here.

THe OP's friends may have been bitter or jealous. Or they could be up to their eyes in money worries and just a little short-tempered. Or they could have been embarrassed by their poverty. Even in competitively poor Britain, many people still manage to feel ashamed of not having as much as others, especially the so-called squeezed middle.

Some people feel defensive about the fact that they've failed to live up to their potential, especially when they were once financial equals with their friends but have since seen their friend's fortune soar while theirs have stayed the same or diminished.

The OP may not have learned a valuable lesson yet - when your star ascends, you lose the right to talk with authority about situations that are no longer your own reality. Yes you can understand better than most if you've been there in the past, and yes empathy is a wonderful trait, but it's not your reality now and trying to discuss it as if it is smacks a little of the politician's attempt to get 'down with da kids'. If you feel your viewpoint is not being well received, better to shut up and steer onto less controversial topics. It doesn't mean your are wrong, but just as a white person's expert opinion on racism may be 'correct', it has to be presented in a way that is respectful to the person on the receiving end of that racism or it is of no use at all. Same goes for wealth and poverty.

In the OP's situation, I'd simply steer clear of personal financial matters and start practising some phrases meant to change the subject subtly and skilfully.