To be sick of people saying 'well, it's alright for you...'

[itsbrandybutterandtinseltime]

DH and I are very fortunate to be in good jobs, and we are the first to admit this.

However, DH and I were over at a friends house when the topic of money came up. Basically, we were told that our opinion wasn't really valid (a chat about being frugal) because of the amount we earn. "oh, it's alright for you being on that wage".

If it's SO easy; you do it then. I work incredibly hard for my wage; so does DH. We don't broadcast our earnings, but we are fortunate enough to live a nice lifestyle. It feels like other people look at me and think I have it easy; like I do bugger all and somehow a pay cheque rocks up in my account every month .

We get this attitude fairly frequently from these people ('oh, it's not a lot of money for you I suppose', 'not with what you earn') and it embarrasses and frustrates me. AIBU, or should I think up a decent comeback?

How do you know I'm not a nurse who works shifts???

If it's recent, has she had a change in circumstance that may be making her more stressed? fwiw, yes, that was rude, but then it depends if you think it's an aberration or actually what she's like. I am pretty sure that I was fairly bloody horrible to a number of people when I was extremely stressed - people knew, and forgave (which I'm grateful for).

habbibu I have let it slide; I just don't get the sudden snidey comments

Realty

How vulgar

Why do you need it to judge the situation reality?

I have read the whole thread and think YANBU. People can be very bitter if they perceive others as having more or being better off. You are clearly not sitting there moaning about not being able to afford 3 foreign holidays whilst others are struggling to pay their mortgages.

I had a lot of silly "jealousy" in the past from certain work colleagues because I was a single parent and claimed some tax credits to cover my (then astronomical) childcare costs. I was told things "it's alright for you as you get loads of benefits". I was working FT in an average salaried job and the jealous colleague worked only PT as she was married to a high earning engineer and her standard of living (size and grandeur of house, number and style of cars etc) was clearly vastly superior to mine.

Well, if they're sudden, maybe there is something you don't know about.

The problem with this kind of thing is people assume implications where there are none.

Someone says, "I worked hard to get the salary I do." That statement is true. It does not actually imply that other people can't have worked just as hard for less, but those who earn less tend to believe it does. The truth is, a lot of people who earn high wages worked DAMN hard to get there. They should be allowed to say so without being hung, drawn and quartered by those who don't earn as much.

does this mean that if one has never had trouble conceiving say, one cannot have anyting to contribute to converstaions about fertility? or that if one has two paretns still married to eahc other one cannot talk about divorce? Surely the OP is entitled to talk about frugality etc ? Is she meant to take all the sniping remarks on the chin just cos she is "lucky" enough to have a well paid job? If we follow this argument then no one is entitled to pass comment on anything unless they have absolute personal experience of it, and are able to get their right to maje the comment agreed by the thought police, who decide whether they are worthy of inclusion. Her mates sound as though 'tthey just don't like her. Maybe she does flaunt it or maybe the mates are jut a bit pissed off with her

Maybe not so much needing to know the figures, but more the ratio. Do you have twice the income she does? Triple? A third as much again?

It does make a difference, IMO.

what pantofino said exactly

The thing is, it is alright for you. If you own your own home/ have a decent income/ have a happy family life/ have good health/ have parents alive whom you love, etc etc, then you are heaps better off than people who don't have those things. And, IMO , those of us who are lucky enough to have those things - whether or not we've worked to achieve them - should always appreciate them and realise how fortunate we are.

At the same time I think it is deeply unkind to try to heap guilt on someone because you are lacking. I don't have some of the things on my above list, and almost all my friends do have what I lack. I very occasionally tell them about the hurts I feel or hopes I have which relate to those things, but I would never try to make them feel bad for what they have.

The bitterness that they feel cannot be doing the 'friends' any good and tbh perhaps they should feel grateful that they can afford a big enough turkey to get leftovers from.

It's all relative though. There are people who work damn hard, there are people who work hard and try to better themselves at the same time - training/courses after work etc. I have an old friend I met at work who has done stupendously better than me, because she worked all day and studied nights and weekends. It would be very churlish of me to begrudge her her success. There are some for whom these opportunitties just don't arise.

No, hwjm, and no-one has said that. Just that in this particular situation it's probably wise to just let it slide with good grace. If with other friends they don't seem so touchy, then obviously the conversation could be very different.

If this is a discussion about how hard some people are finding things financially, and you aren't, then maybe they are right - it is alright for you.

hwjm - well I wouldn't contribute to a discussion about the difficulties of TTC, because I got pregnant first month both times we tried and therefore don't consider myself qualified to comment.

I wasnt saying you werent. Alright what i mean is some people work hard in certain jobs and still bring in very little. I used to work 12 hours shifts with no breaks (yes i know not legal but i was desperate) and i earnt next to nothing. Im trying to highlight working hard doesnt always = deserving of more/a lot of money thats all. I now earn much more and in fact dont work anywhere near as hard. Which is great .

I wasnt trying to have a go , just i dont know, you know you are lucky then it might be better just to smile and nod to spare feelings all round ? Unless you dont actually like these people in which case make new friends.

I am saddened to read this commetns. They sound so bitter:
Habbibu- "I'm not bitter at all. I feel perfectly well off. But I am willing to accept that sometimes people feel fed up and tired of struggling and just can't do being pleased for people." - er yes, actually, you do sound completely bitter.
tethersend - "It's a bit much to have more than other people and get pissed off that they're not pleased for you. Christ"

yes, I'm sorry but you sound completely bitter aswell.

My playground mum across the road, with children same age as me, last week took over another dance studio. I was genuinely happy for her. Why wouldn't I be ? To see someone doing well? what sort of people are you ?